What would you do? 35, want marriage and a family and he’s great but...

[Whattododots]

I don’t fancy him.

We dated for 6 months last year. I ended it as I wasn’t sure I had proper fancying feelings, although I loved chatting with him and we had a lot in common.

He’s got back in touch and the conversation is great still. He wants to give it another go. I really want a family and to settle down and to be honest he is completely on the same page as me where that’s concerned. Of course I don’t know him THAT well and further dating could end up that it goes nowhere.

But would you date this man again? Can I be with someone I don’t fully fancy? Do people do that?

freezing your eggs is a good idea.

The saddest thing I've read over and over in this thread is the having children and then separating down the line to find someone else. I often see the effect of parents separating on children and it can be very unpleasant for all. Not something to take lightly. Though a loveless marriage, particularly if resentment builds, can be equally damaging. In my opinion stability and honesty are a necessity for raring children.

I was looking through your posts OP, and I am I interested in the context.

Have you been in love before, and experienced a strong sense of passion for a man before? Or are you still waiting for this?

Did you ever feel right about this bloke? Do you have experience of feeling that basic ‘you’re my man and I want you’ feeling?

How important is sex and sexual connection to you generally?

Have you been to see a counsellor to really work through what matters most to you - relationship or kids?

The thing is, there’s no ‚right‘ answer because people have different priorities. I struggled with my own quandary at your age, in a similar situation. Personally I dumped my (sexually and generally) not quite right bloke. I did find mr right and have kids - but i’d accepted before that it might not happen. Good luck because it is very hard and it depends on your priorities xxx

I was you, in a way. Or rather - I have met the One in late 20s and it all went spectacularly painful and I left.
So - by your age - I was you. I wanted kids and a partner. And - given my recent heartbreak - I wanted it with someone who is also family-minded and wants the same.
(One if the issues with The One was that he didn’t want that future, in general)
So, like you I met a man who was OK, but I didn’t have those same feelings like o had for The One. He wanted me and wanted to settle down. And I wanted a relationship without the roller coaster or emotions and drama...
So - I married him.
Had my kids with him and it all was OK. And I was happy in my bubble.
Years passed and my H changed. Became a controlling and unpleasant person. So - the partnership I wanted wasn’t that anymore.
So - I am leaving.

But - I have no regrets whatsoever. Would have done it the same again.
How I felt about my H when I married him has no bearing on what is happening to the marriage now.
People change, relationships change. Ours has reached its end.

Good luck, OP

There are far more women who end up married or in LTR where fancying him and the good sex is the only thing he had to offer.

unemployed or unstable
drinking/gambling/drug
abusive/controlling
lazy

but they fancied the pants off him and that seemed to make up for the rest!

Is it just his body that's putting you off then?

Because a hot body won't last anyway, most likely. And frankly, a husband and father who spends every evening pumping iron when you've been at home all day with a baby and a toddler going slowly insane for lack of conversation is a shit dad.

And finally, now I am almost 50, those guys I would have rejected at 35 for being insufficiently muscled, are looking attractive and trim relative to the Gerard Butler types (formerly buff, now just bloated)

If you look forward to his company, is the first person you want to tell new and exciting things to, want to do things for him to make him happy and he feels the same way about you, then that's what it's about, surely?

I don’t know if it would work but could you be friends that have kids together? In fact, I feel silly typing it now but I’m wondering if two people that get on, want kids together but unsure of a relationship then maybe it could work or am I living in fantasy land lol

Not everyones husband can look like Tom Hardy!

Anyway usually the guys who are great looking and have amazing bodies turn out to be dickheads cos they dont need to be nice to pull women

@Whattododots what did you decide?

I married someone who I really fancied but after having kids, I'm constantly knackered. No time or inclination for sex
Luckily my husband is very patient

OMG I just read that he's a TORY #shriek #horror... you might end up with TORY KIDS!!!!!! Bugger the body shape...run for the HILLS!!!!

I don’t think everything is about looks. If you get on really well and fancy his personality and the rest of it I’d say go for it.

Going back to this guy just sounds sad OP. Don't do it.

I would give the relationship a go and see how it evolves. It could go either way really although if you already notice his faults now, they may become more obvious and irritating later on

I would try again, and see where it goes.

I have been with DH for over 30 years. I do fancy him , but his kindness, sense of humour and intelligence are what I really value. Quite simply, he always puts me and the children before himself. He would die for us (and I would do the same) That is love, IMO.

Hollywood/books/tv sell a fantasy. We are taught to put a huge value on a mad, passionate, all-encompassing atttraction, but that won't last. There are always multiple posts on here from women with the most shitty "D"P's possible. I expect some of them went for the "connection", and ignored the rest.

You are looking for a life-partner, not a fuck-buddy. It's a big, grown-up decision, and deserves more consideration than "Do I fancy him as much as my (fantasy) man?" Give it a go, what do you have to lose?

Good luck!

the spark goes but you have a couple of kids so stay together, being able to rub along nicely and parent together is really the best you can hope for.

I would worry more about the politics than attraction long term.

I’m 51. I’m single & child free by choice.

My experience of mates who waited for the ‘huge rush of live’ were disappointed.

I have 2 in particular who wanted husband & kids but wouldn’t ‘settle’.. every man they went out with weren’t talk/ rich/clever/ sexy/ whatever enough. They are both still single at nearly 50. One had a baby by donor egg last year. The other says she’s still waiting!!!

I’d say if you really like this man, he makes you laugh & is kind &!respectful go for it. Nothing is perfect.

As for freezing your eggs look at the cost & the likelihood of a live birth from frozren eggs of a 35 year old.

You dated for 6 months and it didn't work out. If you go ahead and get married and have a family with this guy you are setting yourself up to fail. Trust me, divorce is not fun.

Someone said, don’t settle! Actually I think we all do that, no one is perfect!

Sex isn’t everything! Many people will tell you that it changes after children and is never the same again.

The other thing to consider, is that this could be “the one” but is a slow burner.

I agree, we all settle obviously. Even Brad Pitt has too many kids and a temper (allegedly). There is nobody perfect.

I am with somebody atm and the dynamic between us is good and we can go out together and be in together but the thoughts of his friends and family meeting my friends and family gives us both a bad feeling. So do you push that uphill or what. I envy people who meet somebody who just fits in with their f&f seemlessly. I've dated men who my f&f would have likes and accepted but either I felt I was put in the position of trying not to keep them interested (ffs) or their were a bit dull / insecure ... I think I am accepting this relationship I have now because everybody's perception of me is long term single so there is no pressure on me to have a bf to integrate in to any wider social circle.

But to define settle. I would define it as knowing that the relationship, the core dynamic between you isn't quite right.
Some (younger?) people might define ''settle'' as well she's a bit fatter/older/less attractive than I think I could 'get' if I kept on dating. Or he's a bit shorter / less qualified than I am.

I haven't read all the messages

I think you should give the relationship another go to see if a chemistry develops. Attraction doesn't always have to be physical

However if there is none, please let him go. When you are tired, kids playing up, parents ill etc - it's the love that keeps you going. And between husband and wife there should be a physical love as well and for that you need attraction and chemistry

If your under 35 freeze your eggs asap. Then there no limit on finding mr right and having a family.

If you was talking about my son here, or roles reversed and I was him I would be horrified. Do not date him. Dont piss him about about either.

He is human with feelings not a sperm donor. But there are sperm donors who sign up to just being used for sperm. With frozen eggs you have at least a decade to find your spark.

Life is short so why settle for such mediocre boring family life. Yes kids are hard and yes you loose yourself a bit being a mum on maternity leave. Do you at that point with a crying newborn want to look at your life and think "is this it?" I looked forward to my soulmate coming home, making me laugh and having my back. Plus when things are hard now with little kids we can still be happy together when the kids grind us down