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Original poster

What would you do? 35, want marriage and a family and he’s great but...

174 replies

Whattododots · 31/08/2019 21:01

I don’t fancy him.

We dated for 6 months last year. I ended it as I wasn’t sure I had proper fancying feelings, although I loved chatting with him and we had a lot in common.

He’s got back in touch and the conversation is great still. He wants to give it another go. I really want a family and to settle down and to be honest he is completely on the same page as me where that’s concerned. Of course I don’t know him THAT well and further dating could end up that it goes nowhere.

But would you date this man again? Can I be with someone I don’t fully fancy? Do people do that?

OP posts:
1300cakes · 01/09/2019 10:26

yulet read OPs posts. She already said if she ever does enter in to a marriage, it will be with full commitment, not to "cheat and ditch him" asap. And she has her own wealth so she's doesn't care about how much money he has.

Josuk · 01/09/2019 10:28

Just go for it, OP.
He isn’t the Perfect One but he is the One That Might Work Well.

As to not knowing how future would unfold - no one does. No one marries to then become unhappy, or divorce or have an affair. These things happen to people who married the Loves of Their Lives. Every day.

yulet · 01/09/2019 10:30

I have read the OP's posts thanks, and the little "can't say I wouldnt cheat" before it all says it all.

Yes OP, I saw that you'd broken up with him, but now it seems you're more desperate. Will you be honest with him about your feelings?

Because that's the only way forward where you're not being deceptive and manipulative.

Pretending to feel more than you do, just so you can get your kids and plan vaguely on a divorce when you feel like it is not acceptable. And weirdly enough it will have a life long impact on those children too.

Henrysnoopy · 01/09/2019 10:32

Could you imagine the uproar if a man was posting about a woman he was settling for and thought her body was abit repulsive and turned the lights off for sex and she was crap at oral but wanted to settled down as there was no one else available there would be uproar. Mn double standards here.

yulet · 01/09/2019 10:35

Yy Henry! Honestly, this thread and the replies are an absolute feast of delight for MRAs out there.

StarlingsInSummer · 01/09/2019 10:35

I’m with @AfterSchoolWorry. I spent my 20s and 30s looking for Mr Right and ended up with what I thought at first was Mr Right Now aged 36. But very quickly he became Mr Right and 10 years and 2 children later, he’s most definitely Mr Right. I can’t imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else.

ZenNudist · 01/09/2019 10:42

Let him go. He sounds great and deserves better than you. Sorry thats harsh, but you dont sound like you love and respect him, which is what's most important for a life partner. By the time you are older or coparenting then the physical side will be less important and enjoying each other's company and getting on well together is paramount.

Is it possible that you need to talk to someone about an unrealistic attitude to sex and relationships. Family life is not all sex on the kitchen table, non stop shagging and always wanting to tear someone's clothes off.

Its never occurred to me that being in urgent lust with some one was a requirement for a long term relationship. Unsuitability can be a big driver for lust. You wouldn't necessarilly settle down with the good shag, you'd find the good guy.

Most people I know find someone nice/compatible fancy them enough to get the relationship going and then grow together over time.

You are contemptuous towards this man and think you're doing him a favour considering him. You're not. Its poison for LTR. Walk away.

Notthetoothfairy · 01/09/2019 10:44

Sounds good to me (and you mention the sex is good), go for it!

Tyjaro75 · 01/09/2019 10:46

I was in a long term relationship with someone I didn’t fancy. We got on really well but after a couple of years, I couldn’t stand him touching me. Sadly I did cheat on him and then ended it with him. I feel bad to this day about treating him the way I did because he was a genuinely decent guy who loved me.
How you can even think about marriage and kids when you already say that you might cheat is beyond me. This is a real person with feelings that you have no respect for already.
By the way, I met my husband when I was 37 and we had 3 kids pretty quickly. 7 years later, we don’t have sex too often (knackered all the time) but I do still fancy the pants off of him and I can’t imagine having kids with anyone else.
Please leave this guy to find someone who wants to be with him for the right reasons. Otherwise you are just being cruel.

Original poster
Whattododots · 01/09/2019 10:46

I wouldn’t say I’m more desperate, I feel the same as when I dated him a year ago. But yes I do want to settle down and would rather get on with it.

I wouldn’t tell him I didn’t fancy him. It wouldn’t be true to say that anyway. I don’t fully fancy him, he doesn’t knock my socks off. He has many a flaw but doesn’t everyone, most of them don’t bother me at all whereas they may well bother the next person. He is for instance very right wing minded and whilst I don’t agree with his thoughts on this in the main, I understand where it comes from and so it bothers me less than it would for many of my friends. That’s just one example but I think what I mean is we’ve had a similar upbringing and so there’s a lot about general life and bringing up a child that we would make us compatible in that area.

OP posts:
KUGA · 01/09/2019 10:51

Don`t go there.
You finished for a reason.
You have to love to be married

Shelby30 · 01/09/2019 10:57

Start seeing him again, you sound like you would be quite compatible. The more you get to know him and if you like him the more you will become attracted to him.

Ask yourself this question though. What you you prefer: To end up not meeting anyone and have no children or (worse case scenario) you have kids together but it doesn't work out and you eventually split up/divorce.

Walkaround · 01/09/2019 11:01

Henrysnoopy - the OP has not said she finds his body repulsive. As for oral sex - it is not a compulsory part of a sexual relationship. Plenty of people could quite happily live without it and live with knowing their partner doesn't think they are much good at something they aren't that into, anyway. If they do like it, but aren't hitting the right spot, it's not like they can't get better at it over time, as they learn what stimulates their partner, in any event. Sex is just not such a massive issue for some people as others. The problems arise where a couple have massively different sex drives, or one has fetishes the other isn't into. Not being great at oral sex - so what? Really not a problem for everyone. Infidelity, however - that is a problem. whattododots needs to work out how important a thrilling, adventurous sex life really is to her - it sounds like that is not high on her potential partner's list of priorities.

Walkaround · 01/09/2019 11:09

He may well also be settling - finding the partner with a similar background to have kids with and keeping the secret dungeon for the kinky bits with his mistresses...

Walkaround · 01/09/2019 11:11

What I do know is it is not unreasonable for the OP still to be considering the potential of this relationship and getting to know him better.

OccidentalPurist · 01/09/2019 11:17

This just doesn't sound right.

IME initially fancying someone is the backbone of an enduring marriage/relationship. If you fancy someone and like and respect them as a person, well that's love right there.

While few really fancy their partners after years together, I think it's those initial feelings that, while you might not acknowledge them, still act like glue and get you through the regular tricky times in a long relationship.

I'd go on a few more dates and not rule him out, but you need to be really careful about starting a family with this man - it sounds like he ticks only one of those three boxes.

Hauskat · 01/09/2019 11:17

Do you think that with another six or months or so together the sex could improve? I am sure you can show him what you like and maybe he just needs more time and encouragement to reveal or discover less vanilla sex? I mean maybe not but would it be fun to find out? Presumably only if there is no ick factor. If there is any repulsion I wouldn’t bother but I can tell you that long term bodies change, and then change again, and again! Dh and I have each been fatter, thinner, more muscular or differently shaped over the years.
How open do you think he would be to working on the relationship over the years? Do you think you could have a good dialogue - both of you - about what works and doesn’t? Do you think he would be open to counciling and would he be aiming to meet all your needs as it sounds like you would AIM to meet his? Or is he also looking for a sah wife to provide him with a family and manage life at home? If you both aim to develop a partnership and see marriage as an ongoing relationship that deepens with time then that’s great as how you feel right now is only a starting point. If you both want something more mercenary then that seems fine too as long as you are aligned in your expectations, but I wouldn’t give up work in that case.

mamaraah · 01/09/2019 11:26

@Whattododots I've just readrrad my comment. The words later years sounds a bit horrible sorry op Blush

Absa · 01/09/2019 11:48

I'd say go for it, agree with @Skittlesandbeer post a while back.
Had a friend in similar situation except guy/girl other way around.
He went for it and after their first DS fell head over heels for her because of what an incredible woman she is - he just hadn't seen it then. 5 years on, 2 kids later they are at it more than me and my DH because they have come to absolutely adore each over.

If this is your chance at family / kids and you miss it, would you be sad?

Can you deal with the fact that you may have a family with this guy and Mr Right could pass you by without you ever know / on the flip side that may never happen.

If you can deal with the above, go for it. Keep him in the loop though.

Absa · 01/09/2019 11:52

Also I can say for a fact that mine and DH sex is much better than it was in the first couple of years of our relationship. I was too shy to ever properly get into it. Lack of confidence is a killer. I didn't ever really enjoy having sex with him and now it's great. We've explored together over the years and are now both confident and secure in our relationship to say what we want (I still give him the occasional slap and f**k off every now and again when he gets too cheeky!)

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 01/09/2019 12:22

After reading the first few pages I was really going to blast you OP as I thought you were being very shallow.

However your subsequent posts read to me like you're just having a maturity crisis regarding relationships and life really and just questioning if it's ok to step away from this ridiculous ideal we set ourselves up for.

The Western concept of romantic love is frankly ridiculous. Utterly and completely. It puts all the emphasis on feeling and therefore what you are getting and little to nothing on what you are giving or on the reality of living with a flawed person, sometimes deeply flawed.

When hormones and idealism are raging strong in your 20s its all good to pursue the ideal of a love that rocks your world 24/7, but as you get older we do (ideally) start to realise that other things matter more in the long term. Mr hot cassanova or hard to get may leave you just as your child bearing years are finished to pursue other conquests, while Mr dependable is busy planning your next honeymoon trip together.

Actually a relationship that has a certain dose of pragmatism where lower expectations are exceeded can work much better than one where too high expectations are not met leading to disappointment and frustration.

Give it another go.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 01/09/2019 12:25

Anniversary trip!

StarlingsInSummer · 01/09/2019 12:35

I do think in 10 or 20 years, you’ll be happier with someone like him who you get on well with and has the same world view as you, than a someone who starts off as a passionate lover who you have nothing in common with. For most people, the passion eventually declines, but the affection and respect hopefully wouldn’t.

Pinkblueberry · 01/09/2019 12:44

I don’t think it’s a good idea - because who knows, sometime in the future someone you do actually fancy may come along, and where will that leave your DH that you don’t fancy and the family you started together then?

Pinkblueberry · 01/09/2019 12:46

I do think in 10 or 20 years, you’ll be happier with someone like him who you get on well with and has the same world view as you, than a someone who starts off as a passionate lover who you have nothing in common with.

It really doesn’t have to be either, or. Many people are happy in relationships that have a bit of both - I couldn’t imagine being happy in a relationship that didn’t.