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Original poster

What would you do? 35, want marriage and a family and he’s great but...

174 replies

Whattododots · 31/08/2019 21:01

I don’t fancy him.

We dated for 6 months last year. I ended it as I wasn’t sure I had proper fancying feelings, although I loved chatting with him and we had a lot in common.

He’s got back in touch and the conversation is great still. He wants to give it another go. I really want a family and to settle down and to be honest he is completely on the same page as me where that’s concerned. Of course I don’t know him THAT well and further dating could end up that it goes nowhere.

But would you date this man again? Can I be with someone I don’t fully fancy? Do people do that?

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 23:44

Based on your last post, I'd go for it.

Scott72 · 31/08/2019 23:45

So to avoid "settling" a woman needs to have "butterflies", be head-over-heels completely besotted? How badly do you want children OP? Would you consider single parenthood?

Original poster
Whattododots · 31/08/2019 23:48

I don’t want to be a single parent by choice. I really really want kids.

I’m quite independent and so would be ok without that constant connection and focusing on a child, but I suppose ultimately I may get bored and that’s definitely a possibility later down the line. I’ve dated though since I ended it with him and to be honest I’ve not met anyone as stable as him and as keen to settle down, although I’ve had many a second date!

OP posts:
Letthemysterybe · 31/08/2019 23:55

What does ‘fancy’ mean to you? Have you ever had ‘fancying’ feelings combined with a decent bloke?

Bringonspring · 31/08/2019 23:58

You have a great sex. Go for it. See where it goes. No one really fancies their husband in the same way they did two years later.,,!

Original poster
Whattododots · 01/09/2019 00:01

I was only seeing him for 6 months.

The sex was great but not adventurous. Basically the entire relationship is steady and calm. That’s a good thing though, it just missed the oh my god take me now part. In fact that was never there.

OP posts:
Namenic · 01/09/2019 00:02

You can talk to him gently about how you feel, so he knows and can make a decision too. Maybe you can phrase it that you think he is a great guy, but you’re not sure about if there is a ‘spark’... and ask what he thinks?

Nearlyalmost50 · 01/09/2019 00:05

I don't really understand how you can have had great sex with someone you categorically don't fancy. Or perhaps you mean you do find him pleasing to look at but you don't want to rip his clothes off all the time.

If you find him reasonably attractive, don't wince when he kisses you, find his smell nice but you just don't have that incredible sexual spark then thats fine.

If you feel vaguely repulsed by the thought of kissing him, or would rather play being asleep than sleeping with him, then no way. You can't marry or settle down with someone you find physically unattractive.

Original poster
Whattododots · 01/09/2019 00:15

He doesn’t repulse me but I don’t find his body attractive. He’s not got much shape to him and I find that a bit unattractive. The great sex was when I switched the lights off which I know is terrible. He’s a good kisser and I enjoy kissing him though.

OP posts:
bionicnemonic · 01/09/2019 00:17

Does he smell right?
Are you on the pill?
If you don’t feel he smells right come off the pill for a while and try again (very basically the pill fools your body into thinking you’re pregnant and so you’re more likely to be drawn to someone who smells like your own family, whereas to find a mate (so not pregnant or fooling your body that you are by being on the pill) we are naturally drawn to people with a dissimilar immunity (to make a stronger more immune child) so you’ll be drawn to people who smell different. And how someone smells is pretty intrinsic to fancying them

Blamangeme · 01/09/2019 00:18

A nice man who you don't fancy. Not the love of your life. A bit boring edging on the repulsive then if not now then 6 months that'll be the story. Life's too short. Move on.

MMmomDD · 01/09/2019 00:20

OP - you had great sex. And he sounds like a good solid guy. And you have lots in common.
Many married women can say a lot less about their H’s.
And - not that many married women want to grab their H’s and shag them.
Just look at how many threads on here there are women talking about losing desire for sex with their H’s after having children, or years of married life.
I think approaching marriage/family as a partnership to be together and raise children has a lot more staying power than the romantic notion of meeting a prince and happily ever after.

Original poster
Whattododots · 01/09/2019 00:20

I don’t think I will ever find the love of my life though. I honestly don’t. So at this point I have accepted that that won’t be part of a life for me. This seems like a good option.

OP posts:
bionicnemonic · 01/09/2019 00:21

Perhaps you could joins gym together and get him in better shape...and teach him what you enjoy!

ChristItsAlive · 01/09/2019 00:22

Is it a weight thing by lack of shape? (that's not an accusatory question , just wondering).

Yeahsurewhatever · 01/09/2019 00:23

This is obviously a no

Original poster
Whattododots · 01/09/2019 00:23

Not overweight, more than he’s underweight or not as classically manly as I usually like

OP posts:
Scott72 · 01/09/2019 00:26

Most men seem to put on weight when they get older, so if he's a bit too skinny for you now perhaps he'll look okay later? Ha.

But if you're having all these doubts then he's probably not for you.

summertime06 · 01/09/2019 00:30

If he's kind, treats you well and is nice to your friends and family then I would just go for it. We had 2 children in close succession after getting married (mainly because we were edging towards 40) which was great but I have found that whatever happened to my hormones after all of that has completely put me off any intimacy. Luckily he is understanding but my point is that what's important to you now may not be important to you in a couple of years time when your life has changed. Kindness and understanding and a positive attitude have turned out to be the main attributes that I appreciate in a partner mows

summertime06 · 01/09/2019 00:30

*now, not mows

bluebell34567 · 01/09/2019 00:31

it sounds like he is a very good friend, father material but dont float your boat much.
its hard to meet someone like you want. do you have many opportunities to meet new man?
would you be prepared if you dont meet anyone, have a baby by a donor further down the line?
life can be miserable if you are not with the right person. you may feel like there is something missing and you feel trapped especially having children with him.

championquartz · 01/09/2019 00:35

I’m wondering how would you feel if you ‘settle’ for this man and then have fertility issues - either of you? How would that be?

Tbh I think Hollywood has sold us a pup with this romantic happy ever after love. I did meet and marry a man I was nuts about and we are happy but we have settled into an ordinary couple. As a pp said, the baby and toddler years are brutal, esp if you have an ill child as we did and it’s not romantic love that gets you through that. Mutual respect, tolerance, similar life views, basic compatibility does it.

Give this man another go if you get on so we’ll with him - if he repulses you, then leave it.

MaderiaCycle · 01/09/2019 00:35

If you marry him he’ll be the only man you’ll ever have sex with again. Are you happy with that? Also you’ll have to speak to him every day for the next 60 years....

ChristItsAlive · 01/09/2019 00:37

It's a tough one isn't it? I mean I'm a qualified yoga teacher and I DO know people can change quite a lot physically from shapeless to a bit more toned with just a few lifestyle changes - for a guy in his 30s with no health issues 30 minute home weight session 4 days a week would do it easy.

Equally shallow but I'd say for men I think just a little change in presentation \physical appearance is often the difference between "hot or not " e.g. teeth, dress sense, dry skin (not Joey Essex levels but just a bit of care). It's self care really - we're biologically programmed to be drawn to those who like themselves physically .

Stay friends and send him to Gok Wan Grin

MyNewBearTotoro · 01/09/2019 00:41

I’ve literally never ‘fancied’ someone in the way you describe - wanting to grab them/ rip their clothes off etc. I thought that level of passion was only true in films and TV.

With my DP I got on with him as a friend and then things sort of just naturally turned into a romantic relationship. We’re very happy but there’s never been the kind of passion you’d get in a film - I think your expectations of what real love is are unrealistic.