What would you do? 35, want marriage and a family and he’s great but...

[Whattododots]

I don’t fancy him.

We dated for 6 months last year. I ended it as I wasn’t sure I had proper fancying feelings, although I loved chatting with him and we had a lot in common.

He’s got back in touch and the conversation is great still. He wants to give it another go. I really want a family and to settle down and to be honest he is completely on the same page as me where that’s concerned. Of course I don’t know him THAT well and further dating could end up that it goes nowhere.

But would you date this man again? Can I be with someone I don’t fully fancy? Do people do that?

You might no fully fancy him now but if conversation is great and he has great humour he will become very attractive to you as your relationship grows.

A person can be become extremely attractive or extremely ugly regardless of how "pretty" they are based on your own feelings for them as a person.

What I mean is many very attractive men who the woman has fancied the pants off initially have become extremely ugly to them once they split after a bad relationship.

I always remember Katie Holmes saying that after her split with Tom Cruise. He is (to some) an extremely attractive man and women fancy the arse off him all over the world. But to katie, although she fancied him at the start, he was very ugly to her now. His personality and what went on in their marriage completely overtook any superficial "good looks" he had and ugliness was all she saw.

Where as a person who you can have hours of great conversation and humour with a nice life with, who you don't initially fancy, can become the most beautiful person in the world to you.

It really doesn’t have to be either, or. Many people are happy in relationships that have a bit of both - I couldn’t imagine being happy in a relationship that didn’t

Of course it doesn’t have to be either/or. But if I had to compromise, that’s the compromise I’d choose. Obviously there are some relationships that are as passionate after 20 years as they were to start with but from what I’ve seen among friends, family and on mn, they’re rare.

Have you actually ever met anyone who you totally fancied before or are you on some quest?

My DP and I didn’t have the best sex life to begin with. He is excellent now!!! So don’t let sex hold you ha k of everything else is perfect. You can work on that.

My last boyfriend said he had fallen in love with me but for me there was no spark.
I'd stayed with him to see if my feelings would develop but they didn't.
I tried a passionate kiss - he didn't repulse me & was an attractive man but I didn't go as far as having sex with him.

I felt bad that he had fallen for me while I was still making up my mind. I finished with him straight away as I couldn't 'lead him on' any longer.

You see, I've felt that spark with other men. I've met couples who had & still have that spark years later. That's what I'm looking for.

A marriage without love or a spark of attraction is basically an arrangement.

If this man is happy being used as a sperm donor & wage earner that's fine... but only with his knowledge.

If I was 35 I'd personally plan to have a child alone while searching hard for the right man.

Are you willing to give up having family with an adequate partner for the chance (possibly a slim one if it’s not happened for you yet) of finding someone better?

This man looks good on paper at present but imagine if he gets poorly & you have to become his carer.

What if you meet a man in a years time at work who you really do fancy.

Could you really stop yourself cheating?
I always thought I'd NEVER be the OW until I fell in love with a colleague.
It didn't last because the guilt for us both was too much but I know I want to meet a single man to fall in love with like that.

In fact one of my friends remarried last year & now she's unexpectedly her husbands carer...

If I could do it all again I'd wait until I found someone I really fancied

So I'll say no don't do it !

Same as tierraJ

I was on the rebound, broken hearted and went for a friend

I wish I'd waited to feel how I felt with the boyfriend I feel in love with

@tierraJ

And when one is young like you are - this sort of romantic expectation is exactly where you should be. And hope. And - maybe you even meet that romantic love you are after....
However - when one is a bit older and time is running out on your fertility - one needs to be pragmatic IF she wants to have children.
At that point - the question of

• what if you wait for that ideal partner and he doesn’t come along and you MISS out on your chance to have a child -

That question tramps all. So - yes in 10-15-20 years time this relationship may fall apart. That is true for at least 50% of most marriages anyway.

And it’s still better for that baby to have an involved and interested father, even if they split up.
And there is a high chance that they won’t. Because they both have the same goal of having a partnership.

I wouldn't go back to him no.

You're really under estimating your ''value'' as a young woman with no children (yet). I was doing OLD when I was 44 ish and there were SO many men that age and a bit younger (and a bit older of course which would be too old for you I know) but still, no shortage of men who are looking for what you want.

Only a bitch would do this to a man

If you decide you want to give it a go, are you going to tell him all this, that you don’t really fancy him but are willing to settle to get what you want? Or are you going to let him go into it with his eyes closed, thinking that you feel the same about him as he does you?

Maybe you need to give him the opportunity to decide whether he is prepared to be your ‘will do for now’ or maybe he can find someone that loves and cares for him the way he deserves.

When I ended it last time I told him why. I said I’m not sure how I feel and that I sense I should feel more for him, fancying wise, and on that basis I couldn’t carry on.

He wanted to wait and see if things developed for me.

Nonsense. Men care less about being desired. Look at all the men with trophy wives. They dont find it humiliating as a woman would. OP sees a lot of good points in him and says she is more sure about him than anybody else. Saying "only a bitch would do this" is ridiculous.

I do agree that there needs to be a spark of attraction though. DH wasn’t my type at first and I wasn’t sure how much I fancied him on the first couple of dates but once we kissed, there was definitely a spark. But he was a lot more into me that I was him for quite a while. I was used to falling head over heels into love/lust/limerance so didn’t realise what a good thing we had going on to start with. I was also used to that rollercoaster “does he like me/does he not” rush feeling, which I didn’t get because DH didn’t play games or mess me about, he just made it plain he liked me and wanted to see me. That felt weird to start with.

Does any of that sound familiar, OP? Or is it that you just feel quite platonic towards him, no spark at all?

If he doesn't care about being desired then the OP can tell him the truth, that she still doesn't feel the same way but wants a family.

Personally I think that's nonsense though, and that men want to be loved and appreciated as much as women do.

Starlings that’s exactly how it was last time round!

I often thought if he didn’t make it so clear he liked me then I would want this more. I know that’s not sensible though and that’s why I am trying to properly think about this.

My best friend and I used to joke our relationships with men mirrored that Groucho Marx quote about club membership: “I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member”.

I now think, as well as being addicted to the adrenaline rush from rollercoaster relationships, it was also linked to my low self-esteem. I couldn’t believe anyone worth loving would love me, so I settled for emotionally abusive/absent fuckwits and when they were nice, it felt so much better than when they were being dicks, that I mistook that for being in love with them. It took letting a good man in for me to realise. I’m so glad I have him a chance now - and I know I wouldn’t have done in my 20s (before my biological clock had started ticking loudly!).

@31RueCambon75001 There may be a superabundance of men on OLD, but finding one of them who she feels some chemistry for (as she does apparently, but not quite enough unfortunately) and who is willing to commit, and who wants children, and all the relatively short time she has to have children would be difficult.

MMmomDD actually I'm not young I'm 43, but I missed out on having a child in my 30s sadly for poor mental health reasons.
I could still have a child but I would need to be in a good relationship as i would need a lot of support due to those health problems.

I know there are several single men around my way who find me attractive & want to settle down but unfortunately I just don't find those particular men attractive.

I don't understand how anyone can sleep with a man they don't fancy?
Even when I've had a one night stand Ive had to fancy the man concerned.
I couldn't bear a man to touch me if I didn't fancy him.

Basically like the OP I'm desperate for a child.

But my situation is a lot more complicated. If I didn't have my health problems I would've had a child by myself.

I will regret not having children but I will never regret not settling for just any man who liked me.

I don't get why you would go on a second date with someone you don't fancy, let alone sleep with, let alone marry!?! Madness. Not fair in him either.

She does "fancy" him, just not enough apparently.

I would say give this man another couple / few dates, see how you feel this time around.. But don't try for kids with someone you don't fancy / are not planning to stay with. That's really unfair on him and future kids. Have you thought about freezing your eggs?