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Original poster

What would you do? 35, want marriage and a family and he’s great but...

174 replies

Whattododots · 31/08/2019 21:01

I don’t fancy him.

We dated for 6 months last year. I ended it as I wasn’t sure I had proper fancying feelings, although I loved chatting with him and we had a lot in common.

He’s got back in touch and the conversation is great still. He wants to give it another go. I really want a family and to settle down and to be honest he is completely on the same page as me where that’s concerned. Of course I don’t know him THAT well and further dating could end up that it goes nowhere.

But would you date this man again? Can I be with someone I don’t fully fancy? Do people do that?

OP posts:
Namenic · 01/09/2019 07:48

Talk to him about it OP. He may be willing to settle too. Maybe not - in which case he may leave, but you would have done the right thing and potentially saving yourself lots of grief later.

Itsjustmee · 01/09/2019 07:55

I just wonder how you would feel if you though he was settling for you
Maybe imagine the conversation with his friends
She’s ok, makes me laugh and we have a nice time when we go out
But when I fuck her I have to pretend she is someone else
I don’t particularly like her body she isn’t the usual sexy sort of woman I fancy
Her titts well they feel like an empty ballon and I know that when she has kids she is just going to blow out like a pig and have two bums .
But I want to get married and have a few kids while I'm still young enough to enjoy playing with them
I mean if you’re happy that he might be settling as well then crack on

museumum · 01/09/2019 08:03

It depends what you mean by “don’t fully fancy”. If you really don’t fancy him and don’t want sex with him then no. Don’t do it.
But if you just mean it’s not all panting lust the moment you see him then I wouldn’t worry about that. My husband of ten years walks past me a hundred times a day and it’s very rare I’ll notice nevermind be overcome with lust as I was with flings from my 20s.

TorchesTorches · 01/09/2019 08:06

There is a great book called 'Mr Good Enough' by Lori Gotlieb, which discusses/ investigates your quandry in a really engaging way. Give it a read and make your own mind up.

Hopoindown31 · 01/09/2019 08:29

Please don't lead him on. It's okay if he isn't the love of your life but if there is nothing there then the relationship won't last and he'll end up just being another sad bloke in his 40's stuck in a bedsit seeing his kids EOW. I honestly don't know how some women can want a child so much to intentionally do that to another person.

cranstonmanor · 01/09/2019 08:31

He sounds like a nice decent man. If you can be with him for the rest of his life, be content and make him happy then go for it. I'm wondering if you are looking for the perfect prince of a disney fairytale and are realistic enough? Having said that, don't do it just to have children, he deserves a family and happiness too.

LellyMcKelly · 01/09/2019 09:08

This is horrible. He’s a decent man with feelings and hopes and expectations of a loving family. Imagine how he would feel to know you’ve ‘settled’ with him. He deserves better. If you don’t want him, set him free to meet someone who deserves him. You are talking about treating him badly, misleading him.

insideoutsider · 01/09/2019 09:29

I'd certainly do it. I married for head-over-heels love and passion and thank God I had DCs with him. I hate him with a passion now and he still triggers anxiety in me many years later. I wish I had married a kind and stable man who I wasn't as passionate about.

I would be honest with him from the start though. That you like him but you're not attracted to him and see if he's happy to proceed.

I actually like @AfterSchoolWorry 's sentiment To be honest, I'd bang out 2 kids with him. Stay for 10 years and then move on.

Misskg1982 · 01/09/2019 09:30

Just having read through and lots of posts mention how over time a relationship changes and you don't overly "fancy" or wanna jump all over your husband so much now. But at one time, especially when you first met, you did!
Relationships do change, especially with children in the mix. But them unimaginable feelings that made you do crazy things just because he set you alive was what got you going. It started your life together and became the beginning building blocks that is now your life.
As pp advise I'd be upfront with how you're feeling and see where he stands. You can then both decide the path which your relationship should take. I dont think its very fair jumping into this, having him believe you're in heart and soul when really you're there to tick a few life boxes off.

Walkaround · 01/09/2019 09:32

LellyMcKelly - the OP has already dumped him once because she wasn't sure she fancied him enough, despite enjoying his conversation and having lots in common with him. He has nevertheless chosen to come back and ask for another try - he knows he is not Mr Superhunk so far as she is concerned. Nobody is talking about treating anyone badly. The OP does not want to be a single mother, he would not just be a sperm donor - she wants a lifelong companion to have a family with. He wants a lifelong companion to have a family with (or so he says). I see no reason whatsoever to suppose that the longer they are together and sharing important life experiences, the more physically repellent they will find each other. That just not the way that sort of love works - that is more of a risk if you place too much importance on physical attraction and ignore the fact you don't actually have anything else you like about each other, and then you grow older and unattractive, or get ill.

CrispMornings · 01/09/2019 09:39

Hmm. Lust or Love. 30 years ago all the lights came on and I met "the one". Love him to bits but like every other man he farts, snores, spills stuff in the kitchen, cd be more romantic, etc, etc, and has a bald patch, peers over his glasses and often doesn't consult.

But he's good, decent, loyal, moral, hard working, loves us, and looks after his widowed mother. All worth far more than steamy sex. Oh no physical or emotional abuse or money worries either.

Now I cd have gone for the bloke who was exciting and v v v v good in bed ............ who is now on his third wife

BraveGoldie · 01/09/2019 09:42

OP, for you it may work.... and your posts are telling me that you pretty much know you would like to try this.....

You haven't talked much about him. Is he crazy about you in the way you are not about him? If so, I think being with him could be a bit cruel - especially if you are not clear and honest about your reservations.... if you are honest about them, then you would both be going into things as consenting, informed adults....

I suspect you could teach him to do a better job at oral!? WinkGrin

Scott72 · 01/09/2019 09:44

There seems to be a lot of definitions of what constitutes "settling" here. From "doesn't enjoy kissing" him, "can't imagine having sex with him", "doesn't like his smell" to "feels anything less than completely intoxicated in his presence". Anyhow, that she feels such hesitation and doubt is evidence enough that, yeah, she'd be settling for him. Its best she let him go.

joystir59 · 01/09/2019 09:46

What if the children don't materialise or you are unlucky enough to have a child with special needs? Why on earth would you or anyone just settle?

mamaraah · 01/09/2019 09:47

Don't settle . You can always try ivf if necessary in your later years

joystir59 · 01/09/2019 09:48

And how about you share this thread with him and see what he thinks about marrying someone whose stated clearly that they don't fancy him?

joystir59 · 01/09/2019 09:51

You sound a very cold and calculating op. I can't imagine weighing up my darling partner in life in such cool terms, or discussing on an online forum or rating their sex techniques.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/09/2019 09:52

You can never tell, until you're in a relationship with kids, what kind of partner you have.

Men who seem perfect, who are caring and reliable, can go off the rails at the responsibility.

Men who are a bit fickle can sometimes shape up and be perfect dads.

And, with the pressure of crying babies, not enough money and no real time together, even the most perfect, adorable, caring and gorgeous man can just be a shadow on the landing in the middle of the night for years.

Maybe date him a while longer, OP. He may grow on you. Or he may do something that puts you off completely. 'Fancying' is not the be all and end all, especially after twenty odd years.

Walkaround · 01/09/2019 09:55

Scott72 - I disagree. She is talking about giving the relationship another go, not marrying him and having kids with him now. She has already said the relationship could end up going nowhere - again. She has also said he is a good kisser and the sex is good, except he is not good at oral sex... It really doesn't sound like a no-hope relationship to me, but that entirely depends on the personality and understanding of the parties involved. He may grow on her, she may continue to feel like there's something missing, even when she knows him better. Not all long lasting love begins with lust.

IamtheOA · 01/09/2019 10:06

So, would he know that you're using him to have babies?

Original poster
Whattododots · 01/09/2019 10:07

Thanks for the comments. To answer a few questions...

Firstly yes sex was good enough to live with and it was enjoyable. Oral terrible and he’s not the sort of person who wants to be particularly creative on the bedroom, which I’d prefer.

If I had a family with him I would put everything into the relationship and honour all those things that come with marriage. However I can’t say hand on heart id never have an affair but who can?!

He was very very into me which was why it ended horribly...I had to say I just wasn’t ready to be so serious when I wasn’t sure about someone yet. Since we’ve been back in touch we have chatted brilliantly and now he wants to meet and has said let’s give it another go.

He’s not perfect by any stretch...he can be selfish and he wants a family and could certainly have one with someone else if he wanted. He is hugely financially successful which is irrelevant to me as I am financially secure on my own, but what I mean is he doesn’t struggle for women he could settle with even on that horrible basis and he’s even mentioned this in the past to me and said he can tell when women are just interested in that. So a big thing to him is that I have my own career etc and didn’t need him financially. In the same way u d been on plenty of dates and not met anyone who shares the outlook of living expectations and general life. I don’t know if this is relevant but it maybe shows that he has options and so do I but I really would be entering into it because I wanted to make a marriage work with him...not because there’s nobody else, but I suppose because nobody else is ‘the right one’ for me

OP posts:
yulet · 01/09/2019 10:18

A lot of people can say hand on heart they won't have affairs. I'm one of them. Just because you would doesn't make it the absolute norm.

I would absolutely hate my brother to end up with someone as calculating as you - who thought he was shit at sex and overall pretty selfish, but hey, he's dedicated and a good way to have a baby. You can just cheat on him and ditch him in a few years if you feel like it, he's rich so child support will be great won't it?

Really - the way you're thinking is really unpleasant, and if you don't believe me there, imagine saying all this stuff to him - because I think you'd hesitate.

Veda33 · 01/09/2019 10:19

@madcatladyforever I agree with your post about having a donor. At 35, I’ve decided to have a donor when the time is right. I don’t want to be with someone I don’t want 100% - just so I can have children.
I have desperately wanted children for over a decade, so the risk of losing them for half of the week is not a chance I’m willing to take.

1300cakes · 01/09/2019 10:23

For all the people saying to settle so you can have kids - how would you feel if you found out your partner had settled for you

If my husband wrote that we had great conversation, great sex and a good time together, but that my body wasn't 10/10, I'd be fine with that. In fact I'd be really happy with it. Sounds like a great relationship. And I already know my body isn't every (or any) man's dream and thats fine.

Every man's dream is probably a photo shoot of a model or porn star, and even actual models and porn stars don't look like that in real life.

Original poster
Whattododots · 01/09/2019 10:24

Yulet I’m not sure it is that calculating. I ended it before as it didn’t feel he was the love of m life. I’ve reflected on it, had many other offers of dates and second dates and third dates and actually I’m more certain of him than anyone else. I can’t say I love him truly madly deeply. Maybe I could in time, who knows.

If I was to have that sort of future with him though, I would absolutely put my all into it and do my best by him. I know that for sure. I suppose what I’m asking here is when to know when to ‘deal.’ There can always be someone better, no?

OP posts:
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