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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I contact OW again?

157 replies

PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 12:21

Husband had a short affair at the start of the year with a colleague. I found out in April, we are trying to work through it but I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. I’m still up and down all the time. DH has blocked her and not had any contact with her since the day I found out, she hasn’t tried to contact him apart from on one occasion after I sent her a text- her number was blocked so he didn’t speak to her but got a notification that she had called. I messaged her in the beginning telling her exactly what I thought of her, she has never responded. I get an overwhelming desire to text her again to tell her what a disgusting person I think she is. Childish- yes, I should direct my anger at him-yes, won’t make me feel better- probably not. but I feel like I want to humiliate her like she did me. I hate that she just gets on with her life, it’s nothing to her. Yet mine is in bits. Had anyone ever contacted the ow? Did you feel better for it?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 31/08/2019 12:27

It won't humiliate her, she'll just use it to convince herself that you're a nutter.

whattodo12345 · 31/08/2019 12:28

Yea I contacted her....but it was a waste of time....she never ever replied and just blocked me 🤦🏻‍♀️
Did make me feel slightly better tho tbh that she knew I thought she was a bitch....but it was very short lived and it just made her contact my ex again 🤦🏻‍♀️

So really it back fired and wasn't worth it

Littlechocola · 31/08/2019 12:28

Be the better person

FrenchSchnoodle · 31/08/2019 12:29

You need to concentrate on your relationship. Do you honestly think she cares? I understand that you're hurt but what are you going to achieve? You won't be able to humiliate her in the same way as she humiliated you.

If you contact her again what are you going to say? She's unlikely to respond to you but she may well make contact with your DH in order to question what you're doing.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 12:29

Well you already know you're directing your anger at the wrong person
If she's disgusting he's even more so, he was rhe one who committed to you.

Texting her insults will just make you look like a right nutter. I doubt she will pay much attention and she certainly won't feel humiliated.

TheStuffedPenguin · 31/08/2019 12:30

You can't humiliate her so don't bother . Concentrate on repairing things with your H if you want to .

AgentJohnson · 31/08/2019 12:30

Do not contact her again. You’ve decided to forgive your H, you can’t use her as a convenient substitute to dump your anger on to. If you can’t/ won’t express your ongoing difficulties with the person who made promises to stay faithful to you, then long term your relationship isn’t going to work.

This OW was complicit in your pain but your H is the one who betrayed you, don’t outsource your hurt about that.

DameXanaduBramble · 31/08/2019 12:30

She wont care and you’ll feel worse.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 12:33

Yes you are all right- I won’t send what I wrote. It will make me look crazy and she won’t care

OP posts:
Ilikethisone · 31/08/2019 12:34

You will just make her think that it's no surprise he had an affair. She will use it justify their affair.

You are having to deal with the aftermath because he fucked up.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 12:36

Part of me wants her to contact DH so he can tell her to fck off. I wish he could hurt her like he hurt me, I feel like I am actually crazy sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 12:37

I’m glad I posted as it stopped me sending a text that probably would have made her justify why he had an affair

OP posts:
Ilikethisone · 31/08/2019 12:41

OP I am sure most people would want to.

Glad you arent doing it. Chances are though she didnt come out of it not getting hurt at all. When he broke it off. At the very least her ego would have been hurt.

teenagetantrums · 31/08/2019 12:42

You are definitely directing your anger at wrong person. She didn't cheat on you he did. I really wouldn't blame her I'd more concerned as to whether you can every trust your husband again.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 12:42

The thing is op, she's irrelevant if it wasn't her it would be someone else. She's not some irresistible vamp who lured him against his will.

If you need to warn other women off to keep your husband faithful you've a major problem on your hands. Abusing her isn't the answer. Whilst desperately climbing into bed with him each night.

That's fairly fucked uo thinking. Yes of course she should have got involved with a married man, morally. But she owed you nothing, and god knows what he told her about your marriage.

Deal with him. Sending her random abuse and wishing to humiliate her whilst trying to stay married to him just makes you look as fucked up as it gets.

NoCauseRebel · 31/08/2019 12:44

Honestly? If I were an OW or knew someone who was and the wife of the man contacted me some months after it had ended and they were supposedly making a go of things, I’d assume that he actually regretted staying with his DW and wanted me/her back. And that might not actually feed into my/her ego as some people like to think on here.

Let’s be honest here, plenty of OW come out of relationships where they have been an affair partner and realise that actually they were worth so much better than that. Plenty of OW post here in fact that they’ve come out of an affair and are told that they’ve had a lucky escape and to gain some self respect and use this as an opportunity to realise that they’re worth so much more.

The thought that the OW is going on to live her life as if nothing has happened is an illusion which fuels bitterness and no good can come of it.

Truth is that the OW may in fact have decided that she’s had a lucky escape from your DH, and that she’s worth better.

You’ve decided to work on your relationship with your DH, and that’s what you need to concentrate on. Yes, he betrayed you, and your hurt at the time is understandable. But if you are going to stay in your marriage there has to come a point where you let it go and move forward. Otherwise the marriage has no chance of surviving.

travellersglitch · 31/08/2019 12:44

Write it down what you want to say to her and then throw it away. Might make you feel better getting it all out.

Forflipssake2 · 31/08/2019 12:49

@PrimroseDot I agree with @travellersglitch write it down and throw it away

Thatnovembernight · 31/08/2019 12:50

No it didn’t enter my head to contact her. My (now ex) husband was the one that made and broke the vows to me, not her. Plus I think ranting and raving makes people look a bit sad and pitiful and the last thing I wanted/needed was to be pitied.
I think you need counselling to work out if and how you can get over what happened because living with this (totally understandable) anger and upset is unsustainable. I didn’t even try but then my exh had put me through a lot of hard times prior to cheating and it was the last straw.

MargoLovebutter · 31/08/2019 12:51

My ex-H had an affair and I'm with all of those who are posting that you are targeting your anger at the wrong person.

Do not contact her at all - ever.

You and your husband need to sort this out and if you are full of rage, then it should be for the husband who cheated on you, lied to you etc. Who knows what bullshit he told her. I internet date and there are more married men doing it pretending to be 'separated' than you would believe.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 12:53

Op she doesn't need to justify why she had an affair. Your husband does. Not her. Unless she herself is married she doesn't need to justify it to anyone.

She knows more than you. She knows what he said to her. How he acted. Why he decided to be unfaithful to you, why he likely went after her.

She didn't humiliate you. He did. Why are you so scared to address your anger and humiliation to him?

astralplaning · 31/08/2019 13:05

Don't do it. She won't care. Empathy is like not her strong point, is it?

You have justifiable anger but direct it to a better target. Your husband!

You say you are up and down all the time. Hardly surprising as you've been going through hell. Take some time out to think what you really want. Do you want to keep going in your marriage? Have you had counselling? How's your self-esteem?

The first question is should you save your marriage and do you even want to?

My point being, if you are just trying to brush all the hurt and pain under the carpet without getting to the bottom of your feelings and your right to be angry and so on, you are going to keep feeling angry. It's going to leak out all over the place, hence why you feel like contacting the OW again to give her another piece of your mind.

Sorry you are going through this. Flowers

You need to give yourself time to think. If your husband is rushing you through this process because it suits HIS agenda, don't allow him to. HE did this to your marriage. HE changed it forever behind your back without a word to you. Now put YOURSELF in the driving seat and decide what's best for YOU.

speakout · 31/08/2019 13:06

OP it was not her who broke vows to you. It was your OH.
She had no promise to you- your husband did.
She has the right to have sex with who she wants- if she is married then she broke vows to her husband- not you.
She may be single- she may not have known he was married.

You need to direct your anger to your player of a husband.

TwoCanPlayAtThatGame · 31/08/2019 13:08

Honestly?

It won't do anything except for weaken you. At the moment, she's living in your head rent free. If you message her, she'll know that. And she'll know she's not irrelevant to you. You'll be giving her power.

It's your husband you need to me angry at. At best she won't give a shit, at worst, she'll laugh at you.

CupoTeap · 31/08/2019 13:09

Write it down here if you need to get it out but your are directing it at the wrong person, he cheated on you not her.