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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I contact OW again?

157 replies

PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 12:21

Husband had a short affair at the start of the year with a colleague. I found out in April, we are trying to work through it but I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. I’m still up and down all the time. DH has blocked her and not had any contact with her since the day I found out, she hasn’t tried to contact him apart from on one occasion after I sent her a text- her number was blocked so he didn’t speak to her but got a notification that she had called. I messaged her in the beginning telling her exactly what I thought of her, she has never responded. I get an overwhelming desire to text her again to tell her what a disgusting person I think she is. Childish- yes, I should direct my anger at him-yes, won’t make me feel better- probably not. but I feel like I want to humiliate her like she did me. I hate that she just gets on with her life, it’s nothing to her. Yet mine is in bits. Had anyone ever contacted the ow? Did you feel better for it?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 31/08/2019 14:10

It’s just my personality to hold onto things, bear grudges- I can admit that. I do need to let go of the feelings towards her, I know that. I can’t keep letting what they did occupy my thoughts.
That's what it comes down to.
If you have a personality that holds grudges and you're still wanting to harass and insult her for no gain the only person who gets hurt is you.

If I'd been seeing someone in those circumstances, it ended and then I got nasty messages months later from their wife then all it would to in my mind is confirm what the man I'd been seeing had probably already said in his usual lines (there's a script isn't there, wife doesn't understand me, we're distant, she checks up on me, she's paranoid about things, we don't have sex etc often there's some truth in some of it but the OW gets a distorted view) and that his wife is indeed a bitter woman who is irrational.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 14:11

At this moment in time I cannot see how it’s possible to trust fully again. But thats a whole other post!

OP posts:
CalmFizz · 31/08/2019 14:12

I think what people are saying is it’s futile having so much anger when you continue to stay with the source of the anger.

Crinkle77 · 31/08/2019 14:13

Don't do it. The one who humiliated you is your husband.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 14:14

@LolaSmiles

Yes it would indeed only go to prove to her all the things he probably said about me. And I am only hurting myself. Glad I didn’t send it!

OP posts:
DoulaDaisy · 31/08/2019 14:14

You do not know what he told her about your marriage. No, it doesn't make her 100% innocent if she knew he was married but the ol' 'we're basically divorced' line was probably used there.

Do not text her or contact her. Leave her be and concentrate on either fixing your relationship or getting out of it.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 14:15

@CalmFizz

I get that, I question why I have stayed everyday.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 31/08/2019 14:15

Exactly that calm. If you make a decision to move forward and draw a line under a situation then from that point it has to be drawn to a close, not festered over, not brought up regularly, not used as ammunition in arguments.

There's nothing productive in staying with the source of the anger and mistrust if there's not the ability to move forward. It's not a healthy situation.

Nothingcomesforfree · 31/08/2019 14:15

She doesn’t care about you.
She diesn’t care that you hate her.
She doesn’t care what you think about her behaviour.
She doesn’t care that you are sad, or unhappy or angry.

You don’t matter to her otherwise she wouldn’t have gone there.

The only things that concern her are her feelings and possibly your husbands.

I don’t understand people who say don’t blame her though. Your husband knows what he is risking and what impact his actions will have on you.He’s in the marriage too and knows he is risking something. She doesn’t.She just meeting her own needs.

Be upset, hope she has a miserable life and then consciously make the decision to not give her headspace ever again.

beccarocksbaby · 31/08/2019 14:23

I did and it brought nothing but trouble and pain.

She used it to fuel her victim status.

Stop giving her room in your head. If you want to focus on your marriage focus on it. You'll be up and down for a long time. I'm nearly 18 months on and still have wobbles but largely it's good now. It's taken a lot of work to get here.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 14:23

I don't understand this either. If you hate him and think he's a disgusting human being, why are you with him, getting into bed with him every night, desperately trying to make it work.

If you daid you loved him, didn't wish to be away from him, that you'd been going through a rough patch and you both think you can rebuild, fair enough, but you're not. You're trying to stay married to someone you hate and who disgusts you.

LolaSmiles · 31/08/2019 14:25

bluntness
I think she's doing it because the OP is still in the stage of doing the pick me dance.

He might have been unfaithful but because she has kept him and is in a relationship then it's a "victory" against the other woman.

beccarocksbaby · 31/08/2019 14:27

Still don't get the anger for her, if it wasn't her it would be some other woman. She is irrelevant in this situation. You have no idea what lies he told her either....................

The OW is often vitriolic towards the wife, she plays the victim when very often knew what she was doing getting involved with a married person, and more importantly they often show absolutely no compassion or remorse. Or at least the wife doesn't see it.

The husbands usually do if they want the marriage to continue so you build a forgiveness of sorts.

You can be very angry at two people at once also. She's not misdirecting her anger. She has every right to be angry with someone who knew they would cause pain to her for no apparent reason. Both parties are 100% responsible for their own parts.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 14:27

@Bluntness100

I feel like I hate him sometimes and his behaviour was disgusting. So far from the man I knew and the man he is being now. I do love him though, but it doesn’t stop me feeling like I hate him for what he’s done and caused somedays. I’m giving it time, hoping that those days will be fewer. But I honestly don’t know- I’m confused by everything right now

OP posts:
RedRec · 31/08/2019 14:27

With you on this PrimroseDot. I have not been in this position but feel that I would react just as you have. And you are trying to work on it with great dignity and restraint, I must say.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 14:29

@LolaSmiles

There was no pick me dance. It was never me v her in that sense.

If there had been she would have won really as I’m the one with the cheating husband

OP posts:
AmIaskingfortoomuch · 31/08/2019 14:29

Could you have a week away with some friends? I think distance and being around new people would be great for you. Might also make him wonder what you might be getting up to. I'd honestly do that, and I wouldn't check in with him every day either. He needs to feel the fear of losing you, don't you think?

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 14:30

I absolutely do not feel like I’ve won a prize in “keeping my husband” if anything divorce would have been easier.

OP posts:
beccarocksbaby · 31/08/2019 14:30

At this moment in time I cannot see how it’s possible to trust fully again. But thats a whole other post!

I really recommend the website letters to my husbands affair. There are tonnes of resources and a lot of it resonated with me when I read it.

Www.letterstomyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com

(I think)

She talks about SAFETY being more important than trust in the first place. You can create safety trust is an after effect. It takes a long time to come.

You world has been turned upside down and you don't feel safe right now. What you believed was true wasn't in a very core part of your life.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 14:33

@AmIaskingfortoomuch

I have done this and it was great to have time apart. He is in fear all the time that he is loosing me. Doesn't make me feel any better though- it’s all such a mess

OP posts:
Notallitseemstobe · 31/08/2019 14:36

I'm an OW, and have had couple of other affairs.

I have no interest in the wife, no guilt and would not engage with one of they contacted me. Their husband made the decision to have a relationship with me, he was the one who broke his oath to his wife.

I've even tried to suggest to someone that maybe cheating wasn't a step they wanted to take, but was convinced they did.

I have no loyalty and no guilt towards a woman I have never met. My only emotion is jealousy she has more of him than I do, but I know in my current affair its mutual.

Your husband was a willing, active and enthusiastic cheat, and you need to be honest in your relationship why that happened.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 14:37

@beccarocksbaby

Thanks- I’ll take a look Smile

OP posts:
womenspeakout · 31/08/2019 14:38

I get an overwhelming desire to text her again to tell her what a disgusting person I think she is.

Maybe send it to your husband instead, he's the one who deserves it more, he's the one who vowed to commit himself to you and only you and cheated.

She had no attachment to you.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 14:38

Op, are you financially reliant on him?

AmIaskingfortoomuch · 31/08/2019 14:38

I'd be tempted to shag someone else tbh. In fact, in my first marriage my H had a few affairs, and that's exactly what I did. Then I left the twat.