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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I contact OW again?

157 replies

PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 12:21

Husband had a short affair at the start of the year with a colleague. I found out in April, we are trying to work through it but I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. I’m still up and down all the time. DH has blocked her and not had any contact with her since the day I found out, she hasn’t tried to contact him apart from on one occasion after I sent her a text- her number was blocked so he didn’t speak to her but got a notification that she had called. I messaged her in the beginning telling her exactly what I thought of her, she has never responded. I get an overwhelming desire to text her again to tell her what a disgusting person I think she is. Childish- yes, I should direct my anger at him-yes, won’t make me feel better- probably not. but I feel like I want to humiliate her like she did me. I hate that she just gets on with her life, it’s nothing to her. Yet mine is in bits. Had anyone ever contacted the ow? Did you feel better for it?

OP posts:
category12 · 31/08/2019 13:10

What Astralplaning said.

Also, how about journalling your feelings? Write everything out you want to say to her, what you want to say to him, get it out of your head. I actually wrote a private blog to work through my feelings so it wasn't around the house.

astralplaning · 31/08/2019 13:11

You say OW is a colleague. It must be even harder knowing they work together. I really think the stress of coping with the original affair and this too is going to make you suffer.

Missillusioned · 31/08/2019 13:12

I did send one text to the OW. It wasn't a ranty one, it simply said ' why are you messaging my husband?'

As I think in my case he had told her we were separated, this did result in some trouble for him and I assume gave her pause for thought.

We split up anyway.

FizzyPink · 31/08/2019 13:17

I’ll get flamed for this but I was the OW a long time ago. While he got off Scot free I was harassed, stalked and humiliated for over a year with the police eventually getting involved.
All she achieved was getting a criminal record and convinced everyone who knew us both that she’s a complete nutter.
Perhaps direct your energy into your relationship instead.

CalmFizz · 31/08/2019 13:21

Do you think the man you share a bed with is a disgusting human being?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/08/2019 13:23

Why are you angry with her and not your husband? She didn’t force him to cheat or break his wedding vows. He’s the one in the wrong.

koffeetoast · 31/08/2019 13:23

You need to direct your energy to your husband, if she knew you were married then of course she is in the wrong too but your hubby made the vows to you. I just hope he isnt lying to you about having blocked her, he could well have another form of communication with her. You found out He didnt confess it to you himself, how can you be sure it's totally over or that there isnt another woman.

BrokenWing · 31/08/2019 13:29

She is a stupid weak lonely woman with questionable morals that your dh also probably lied to and hurt. She is nothing to you, she is not the problem in your marriage. Save your ongoing anger and need to vent for him.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 31/08/2019 13:32

I did and the cheeky cow hung up on me. Top it all off, exDP had a go at me for calling her.

I found out that she was one of those women who needed men to dance to her tune to feel validated, despite being married. I pity her for that. And I pity her husband.

Rainbowknickers · 31/08/2019 13:37

Years ago I had a boyfriend who behind my back had been seeing another woman
We knew nothing of each other at the time
One weekend I’d gone down to see him-slept together twice and I went home again
About a week later I got the nastiest Facebook message from her (as far as I know they are still together) ranting that I had the morels of an ally cat and I should have known better than to go after the prize of her boyfriend
It just made her look like a nutcase (he was hardly a prize!) and it bigged up his ego to have two women fighting over him
I walked away and met someone else who I’m really happy with
Shame the same couldn’t be said for them when I saw them a year later in the street
Not my problem-I was well shot of them both

astralplaning · 31/08/2019 13:41

This website may help you, OP:

www.chumplady.com/2018/08/dear-chump-lady-im-obsessed-with-the-ow/

You won the pick me dance. Apparently that prize feels like misery. I suggest you examine your choices and make some new ones.

Set aside the cheating husband and the purportedly fabulous OW for a moment — what do you want? I know that sounds like a throw away question — but if you’re a chump, thinking about your needs and happiness is radical disrupting stuff.

What. Do. YOU. WANT ?

A faithful husband?

Dump the one you have.

To be athletic?

Work out more. Join a kickball league. Take up salsa dancing.

A higher degree?

Go back to school.

A better job?

Get that degree/certificate and aim higher.

You have agency. All that energy you’re directing at the OW, you could be investing in yourself. Not to compete with her (see “turd” above), but to work on your own awesomeness. THAT pays dividends. The pick me dance? Not so much.

^ The above are not my words, they are from the site.

Drabarni · 31/08/2019 13:42

Write her and him a letter and give it to him.
Get everything you can off your chest, how you feel and what they have done to you.

MustardScreams · 31/08/2019 13:43

Op do you actually want to stay with your DH? Everything you’re writing just sounds so unhealthy and bad for your self-esteem, your mental health and your wellbeing. Are you really the kind of person to send ranting messages to people you don’t know? Is this who you want to be?

This anger is going to eat you up. Surely it would be better to have short-term pain (get divorced) rather than struggling through this for months/years/however long and by the end be an absolute shell of who you once were?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/08/2019 13:49

You don’t know what BS tale he give her. You assume she was in some way in competition with you when she might have thought your marriage was already dead. You just don’t know.

The only person who had made any promises to you was your DH. He is the one you need to focus on.

Spinzy · 31/08/2019 13:50

No, I don’t think contacting her will make you feel any better. No idea of the kind of person she is or what she knew of your relationship, but there is always the chance that she may enjoy knowing she got under your skin. It gives her a place of importance in your relationship. The most cutting thing you can do is act as though she is completely irrelevant to you. Which she should be. You should direct your anger at your husband and work through things with him if that is what you want to do. She should be absolutely nothing to you, not worthy of your time or attention. I think adopting that attitude and behaving accordingly will mean you can keep your head held high in future when you look back at this period of your life.

KUGA · 31/08/2019 13:50

Wedding vows mean nothing to some people.
Your dh is an arse.
As for sending her a txt she would probably enjoy how hurt you are.
Any women that goes out knowingly with a married man is just a slut.
And vica-verca
YOUR dh needs to hear that from you.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 31/08/2019 13:50

Whenever an OW posts on here it's almost without fail glaringly obvious that she's been told a pile of bullshit by the cheating husband - the usual script of we never have sex, we sleep in separate bedrooms, she's crazy, we're only together for the kids blah blah blah...

The only one of the three of you who's known the truth throughout is your husband which makes him infinitely more disgusting and deserving of humiliation than her. So all the while you hate the OW so much why are you trying to forgive someone who is way worse than she is? If you text her you'll either be letting rip at someone who along with yourself was fed a ton of lies and taken in by your husband, OR on the 1% offchance she's gone into this with her eyes wide open she's the kind of person who won't give a shiny shit about your opinion let alone feel humiliation.

I'm glad you've decided against it - stay strong.

HuggedTheRedwoods · 31/08/2019 13:51

I wish he could hurt her like he hurt me

How do you know he hasn't?

Its possible she had some feelings for him but he has apparently cut off all contact, you and he are together (and you dont know what he's previously said about you/your marriage) so its entirely possible she has been hurt. I definitely wouldn't contact her.

astralplaning · 31/08/2019 13:53

There is a saying about how the best way to punish the OW is to let her keep your husband Wink Sorry to be flippant, but an unfaithful husband is no prize, is he?

dottiedodah · 31/08/2019 13:57

I feel for you and realise that you must be hurt shocked and angry.Of course the temptation for you is to want to give your husband the benefit of the doubt ,and think of him as a weak willed nice chap who got ensnared by a shameless scarlet woman!.You say you are working through it but are unsure of your future together.Have you had any counselling at all?.Affairs are usually symptons of problems in the marriage not the cause .Try to avoid feelings of spite towards the OW if you can .I know its difficult but the negative feelings are wasted on her and you are upsetting yourself not her. If you can ,see if you can arrange some time together as a couple away from the children if possible .Talk things through together and see if you can find a way forward.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 13:58

Im no sure where I said I wasn’t angry at him! Of course I am! And yes of course I think he’s a disgusting person! I’m not actually going to send the ranting text....I had a weak moment, wrote down my anger towards her (like I also do to my husband many times) was tempted to send it but haven’t and won’t.
I get that he owes me faith not her but I can still be angry that someone who doesn’t know me decided to enter my life and my marriage. But yes ranting at her will only make me look crazy.
I am having therapy weekly which is helping me loads. Ive gone from a size 16 to an 8 and feel amazing in myself. My work is going great, my social life is 100x what it was. I’m actually still 50/50 about staying with my DH- who I will never trust again. So it’s working out if I can live like that.
It’s just my personality to hold onto things, bear grudges- I can admit that. I do need to let go of the feelings towards her, I know that. I can’t keep letting what they did occupy my thoughts.
It is ok to be angry at the OW though, she had my husbands dick in her, I think anger is a basic human reaction to a situation like this...it’s not in place of any anger towards my husband. I’m just being open and honest- I hate them both!

OP posts:
astralplaning · 31/08/2019 14:02

It’s just my personality to hold onto things, bear grudges- I can admit that. I do need to let go of the feelings towards her, I know that

I know I'd feel like you. I tend to hold onto feelings a lot. Completely get that.

I think it's just a question of working through these feelings in therapy - it's a safe place to do this. Also, in weak moments, just rant and rave and post here. You would probably find the Relationships board particularly helpful for this.

It's great that you are doing so much work on yourself. You never know your 50% wanting to stay with your husband may soon diminish to 1% or 2% and you will be ready to move on. He'll have no-one to blame but himself if you do.

Keep at it, OP, we're all rooting for you!

peachypetite · 31/08/2019 14:05

You’ll never trust him again - what future is there for your relationship then?

callmeadoctor · 31/08/2019 14:07

Still don't get the anger for her, if it wasn't her it would be some other woman. She is irrelevant in this situation. You have no idea what lies he told her either....................

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 14:10

She 100% knew he was married, knew all about me. Stalked me on social media for months. But anyway it’s not about her. You’re right. I need to move away from giving her my thoughts

OP posts: