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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I contact OW again?

157 replies

PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 12:21

Husband had a short affair at the start of the year with a colleague. I found out in April, we are trying to work through it but I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. I’m still up and down all the time. DH has blocked her and not had any contact with her since the day I found out, she hasn’t tried to contact him apart from on one occasion after I sent her a text- her number was blocked so he didn’t speak to her but got a notification that she had called. I messaged her in the beginning telling her exactly what I thought of her, she has never responded. I get an overwhelming desire to text her again to tell her what a disgusting person I think she is. Childish- yes, I should direct my anger at him-yes, won’t make me feel better- probably not. but I feel like I want to humiliate her like she did me. I hate that she just gets on with her life, it’s nothing to her. Yet mine is in bits. Had anyone ever contacted the ow? Did you feel better for it?

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 01/09/2019 13:21

I had an acquaintance (a very provincial, traditional one) say once that if a woman decided to go after a married man, she could use all her wiles, use sex etc to.trmpt him and make him stray etc etc (she was referring to a cheating man she knew) ... I replied that no, all he had to say was no, and keep saying no; men are good enough at saying that if they choose to. She had no response.

Her narrative also assumed the(convenient) cliche of the man stealing, predatory woman ... Ime the vast majority of women are not - they are told a pile of bullshit by the man (some don't even know he's not single early on) and believe him tk be in a mutually indifferent, dysfunctional marriage that only exists for to.domd impediment he will.overcome in future. That is part of the fabric of affairs - how many women, in all seriousness, do you think would get sexually and emotionally involved with a man who said 'i love my wife and family but the sexual sparks not there, I want it on the side, I want both'?

Very very few.

The only place men are honest is on married cheating sites where they assume the potential partner is in the same boat and of the sand mindset.

GilbertMarkham · 01/09/2019 13:22

*same

Robin2323 · 01/09/2019 14:05

I really hate this “poor woman, led astray by mean man thing”. She knew exactly what she was doing and was not forced by my h. Equally I understand he and her are both equally disgusting for doing it in the first place. But the woman victim thing really doesn’t wash with me.

This.
Some ow are very predatory.
I knew someone who tried everything in her power to get mm ti leave his wife.

When dw found out she told me 'I must go to him immediately and prove I'm the one'

Mm actually put the breaks on (and stay with dw).

Original poster

PrimroseDot · 01/09/2019 14:09

Some really good advice on here- thanks everyone. Sometimes it takes others to point things out that I knew deep down.

I do of course realise my DH is a liar and probably told her a pack of lies. For me it isn’t blaming her instead of him. He is totally to blame for my hurt. I just hate her that’s all

But actually today when ever I’ve been drawn to thinking about how much I hate her, I’ve had the advice of many in my head that she doesn’t even think of me- and it’s working. It’s stupid of me to give her my time and headspace.

OP posts:

Weezol · 01/09/2019 14:22

A woman who hops into bed that quickly probably is not a one time cheater.

Misogynistic crap. I've had one night stands and I've never been unfaithful in any relationship.

In my situation I put 90% blame on him 10% on her.

She knew me, knew we were married - that's on her.

However she was also very early 20's with a history of horrifically abusive violent relationships and had recently lost her dad.

Not a place in which most would make smart choices, especially when being flattered by a man over 15 years her senior who was one of her musical heroes (he was a big fish in a small alternative sub culture pond).

Now she's hit 30 and is enjoying some success of her own the cracks are showing. She recently left him behind when she went away touring for a few weeks as he'd totally failed to plan or save for flights, insurance etc. It's good to see her come into her own and I strongly suspect he's on the road to another wife divorcing him.

His star has fallen, his drinking is taking its toll and he's aging badly so I think he'll struggle to pick up a 20 year old replacement this time around.

ConfCall · 01/09/2019 14:48

I wouldn’t assume that she doesn’t think of you OP or that she doesn’t care. She may reflect on the fling and cringe with shame, regularly. She may have been misled (“my wife and I are separated”) and severely hurt. But it doesn’t matter. Forget her.

Robin2323 · 01/09/2019 16:21

Some ow feel guilty.
Some obsess over the dw.
But she isn't worth the head space.

Winterlife · 01/09/2019 21:00

Misogynistic crap. I've had one night stands and I've never been unfaithful in any relationship.

What a lazy and uninformed post.

A married woman who beds a married colleague the first time she meets him, probably is not a one time cheater.

TimeForNewStart · 01/09/2019 22:33

What a lazy and uninformed post

I’m loving the idea our posts are being assessed on effort now!

Winterlife · 02/09/2019 08:18

I take my posting responsibilities seriously!

category12 · 02/09/2019 08:38

Can I be one of the judges? I have my own highlighter and red pen.

barryfromclareisfit · 02/09/2019 08:46

I haven’t read the thread, just the opening post.

OP, as far as I can tell, the ‘disgusting’ person is still living in your house.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/09/2019 09:47

I absolutely do not feel like I’ve won a prize in “keeping my husband” if anything divorce would have been easier
Absolutely OP.
I always say this.
It is the longer and harder path to go down.
It can take years and years to gain the trust back.
Do what is best for YOU in all of this.

Bouledeneige · 02/09/2019 10:10

Having been in your boots - but with a long term affair, I know how it feels. Of course your main anger is directed at your partner but it's perfectly natural to feel deep anger at the OW too. A good vent is fair enough. Never apologise for it - it's a terrible way to be treated and people should understand the consequences of their their behaviour. And anyone who thinks you shouldn't hasn't been through the hurt, misery and betrayal it involves. To move on you need to let out all those feelings - it will get better I promise.

But. You've vented. Well done. Move on. Don't look back or think about her and her life. Her karma is her shit - you now need to focus on you and your life. So honestly I don't think it's worth another go. Write her a letter you don't send. Write your partner a letter you don't send. Have counselling with him and make sure keeping him is the right decision. Get it out of your system. But now choose your own life and your own future. She's dirt on your shoe and he has a lot to prove - does he deserve you? What do you want for your life?

Faith50 · 02/09/2019 10:27

Whether you stay or leave, you will have to go through pain. However if leaving you only need to focus on you and dh becomes a thing of the past. If staying you are dealing with your pain alongside working with your dh. If staying you cannot continue to hate and punish your dh as reconciliation will be almost impossible. Shaming, shouting makes you feel good for a minute but brings no benefit to the marriage. I went through this stage and it was awful. I needed to get the hurt and pain out of my system rather than suppress it.

Pinkmonkeybird · 02/09/2019 10:40

She's not worth it OP. But agree that your DH is the one you need to aim the anger at.

ravenmum · 02/09/2019 11:27

The only contact I had with OW was when I told my exh I knew everything, and he went AWOL. He'd been planning a long car trip to his dad, and when he didn't turn up, his dad was worried. So I wrote to OW briefly and factually that exh should contact his dad as he was worried about him.

Did you feel better for it?
I feel great that this is the only contact I had with OW - acting decently on the day the seedy details of their affair were exposed. I definitely did not also write to her to demonstrate that I knew her full name and email address.

Primrose, you've chosen the difficult route of trying to patch things up, but this is your choice, and you have other options in future. Even if you never select any of those options, look into them in detail, as things are not so scary when they become familiar. You're only human, so you're angry and lashing out, but the sooner you can regain your dignity, the better you will feel.

MaximusHeadroom · 02/09/2019 11:33

Definitely write it down and throw it away. And repeat as many times as you need to feel the urge has passed.

She will have her own narrative in her head of what happened with your DH and nothing you can do will change that. If you are aggressive she will see herself as the victim. If you try and show how hurt you are, she will see you as weak.

There is absolutely nothing you can say which will make her feel the way you want her to feel.

But do write it down and express what you feel. It will be a good process for you.

MaximusHeadroom · 02/09/2019 11:39

What a lazy and uninformed post.

A married woman who beds a married colleague the first time she meets him, probably is not a one time cheater.

But that is not what the PP had said. The PP said A woman who hops into bed that quickly probably is not a one time cheater. He deserves to know

Obviously there are details specific to this OW, but the PP didn't reference the fact that she was married or that the man was married. Just made a statement regarding a woman "quickly hopping into bed with a man"

It is neither lazy nor uniformed to point out the casual misogyny

pelirocco123 · 02/09/2019 12:05

Would she care ? Yes probably because you can bet all the time your husband was with her he would have been telling her he loved her not you , and that he wanted to spend his life with her
And although I am not condoning the OW , logic tells me she probably fell for everyline he fed her
Your anger is misplaced

whattodowith · 02/09/2019 14:09

She probably wouldn’t care or would perhaps get a kick out of it, you’d be someone to laugh about with her friends.

Your husband is the one who betrayed your trust, not her. Channel all of the anger towards him, he deserves it.

Faith50 · 02/09/2019 16:03

whattodowith The ow's friends would need to be the kind of people to condone affairs if they would be willing to laugh about it.

Years ago a friend informed me she was seeing OM behind her partner's back. I clearly told her it was wrong and she accused me of judging her. A year or so later her partner was caught seeing another woman. She was devastated and came to me for comfort.

Winterlife · 02/09/2019 23:08

But that is not what the PP had said. The PP said A woman who hops into bed that quickly probably is not a one time cheater. He deserves to know

It is neither lazy nor uniformed to point out the casual misogyny

Nope. This is the entire post -

I would tell her husband, but only face to face, and only if they don’t have children. A woman who hops into bed that quickly probably is not a one time cheater. He deserves to know.

Do you always play so fast and loose with facts?

It's not misogynistic to point out that a married woman who falls into bed with a man on the day she meets him is probably not a one time cheater.

Witchinaditch · 03/09/2019 08:28

I think it will just vindicate her thinking of how you are nuts and maybe make them both look less guilty. It’s hard but take the high road, she’s not worth your time or the money it will take to send a text. Good luck OP

Rainbowhairdontcare · 03/09/2019 08:39

I know of a couple who started as an affair. They've been together for some time now, have a family of their own, etc... They were both married and jumped into bed fairly swiftly, they always say both were on the verge of marital collapse with they're ex's and we're just lucky to find each other. Neither of them were serial cheaters and are very happy couple/family. The difference is that they both knew (or so they claim) that they never had any intention to work it out with their ex spouses.

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