Should I contact OW again?

[PrimroseDot]

Husband had a short affair at the start of the year with a colleague. I found out in April, we are trying to work through it but I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. I’m still up and down all the time. DH has blocked her and not had any contact with her since the day I found out, she hasn’t tried to contact him apart from on one occasion after I sent her a text- her number was blocked so he didn’t speak to her but got a notification that she had called. I messaged her in the beginning telling her exactly what I thought of her, she has never responded. I get an overwhelming desire to text her again to tell her what a disgusting person I think she is. Childish- yes, I should direct my anger at him-yes, won’t make me feel better- probably not. but I feel like I want to humiliate her like she did me. I hate that she just gets on with her life, it’s nothing to her. Yet mine is in bits. Had anyone ever contacted the ow? Did you feel better for it?

@BendicksBittermint, can I ask if you through any counseling after his affair?

I find it very sad that you’re happy to hold a grudge for the next 25 years for this man.

Lots of good advice on this thread OP.

The best thing you can do is live your life to the fullest. You owe it to yourself to be happy with or without your dh. Treat yourself and be good to yourself. Meet with friends and work colleagues. Read a good book, go to a spa, whatever you enjoy.

The OW is not thinking about you even a quarter as much as you are thinking about her (if at all). She is only concerned with herself. Your dh meanwhile will be reminded of his actions every single time he looks at you. That is punishment in itself.

Can fully get why you hate her as well as him. She is not irrelevant in this like some are saying.

Let's look at it this way. She knew he was married. She didn't care that he has a wife and possibly children. She didn't care that by shagging him could break up a family, cause depression in another person, cause the children to go off the rails later in life. It can get worse than that. She did all of that knowingly, and didn't care. That is very relevant. Tells you everything you need to know about a person. There is not an ounce of humanity in her. She had a choice those nights, she could find a single guy and sleep with him, or sleep with the married guy. She chose married. The married man is responsible in ruining his marriage, but the other woman is responsible too. He didn't force her, she could have said no. I could have said yes to married men that propositioned me, claiming to be separated. Difference is I am not stupid enough to believe it, and I refuse to be as bad as they are. It's very easy to say no. Some just choose not to, by doing so they are just as bad.

Now yes, your husband is exactly the same. He didn't care either. He just wanted sex too. Problem is you've spent years with this man, either being fed lies about who he really is or he's changed a lot. You love him, or rather you love who he used to be. He may never do it again, or he may continue to do it. Who knows, only him really. He may just get better at hiding it.

I don't think you can ever forgive him for it. I know i couldn't. You'll be much happier by yourself than with him, and you will find it easier to not think about her with him not around. He is a constant reminder of her after all. Because of what they did.

so I will wait for her to grow up a bit, and if I am still alive and still care, I might write to her

Won't you be about eighty? I really hope you don't care by then, I really do. It would be incredibly sad for you if you did.

As someone who was the other woman (Not affair though- left partners once we realised) trust me she won’t care one single ounce. I had it all from her and her friends and I didn’t care. I’m so sorry this happened to you though

Thanks for the condescending comments.

Bendicks -my grandmother and her three small children (incl. my dad) were left briefly for an OW in the 1940s. The OW wasn’t younger afaik (my grandmother was only 25 herself) but my gm was bitter and brooding until she died in the 1990s. I was just a kid of course but it was really sad to see. Don’t let your scuzzy ex and his sidepiece have that much influence.

Interesting thread.
I completely understand why you feel as you do.

I also think ow is relevant .
And yes if it wasn't that one it would be someone else.

But it was that one.

And while she owes you nothing her actions were deplorable.

Yes your dh is just as responsible but he is 'sorry ' and is trying to make it up to you.

Ow isn't.

You're an inconvenience to her and given half a chance would be back like a shot - maybe.

BUT you do need to move on from this.

If you're working at your marriage you have to get passed your anger.

(And maybe sending anger towards ow Is better than massive rows with dh every other day ).

It's still earlier days but eventually it will fade.

PrimroseDot

I think you'd be best advised to ;

Hold your head high, retain your dignty and treat the OW as if she doesent exist. No contact with her at all.

And keep the old man on a short leash till he knows how to behave better;!

Interesting that some posters still feel angry to other woman, laughing at the "your DH is sorry and is trying to make it up to you, but ow isn't!!!!!!" Why should she? She has been hurt too, by your philandering husband who in all probability (although obviously we don't know for definite anything) has told her a pack of lies too! i.e. "Yes I am married but we have made a decision to have other relationships outside of marriage. None of us know what he told the OW but we definitely know that he is a liar!

"She has been hurt too, by your philandering husband who in all probability (although obviously we don't know for definite anything) has told her a pack of lies too! "

The difference is that his wife is unwittingly hurt through no fault of her own, while ow is hurt by pretending to believe the lies of a lying shitbag, cheerfully fucking said lying shitbag and plotting to devastate his wife/children when - she desperately hopes - lying shitbag chooses her and leaves his family.

To my mind, her hurt is self inflicted.

But pp are right op. Don't contact her. She won't care. If she was the sort of kind, honest person who would care about hurting someone, she wouldn't have involved herself in the first place.

I think you should ltb. You sound lovely and sensible, and you won't know a minutes peace if you stay.

The nature of this affair is just so opportunistic. Even just reading about it, it is very hard to believe he won’t do it again. Cut your losses OP, leave while you at least have some dignity left.

Seriously OP you want to send OW a nasty text yet you are (presumably) shagging your husband (who clearly didnt give a shit about you when he was shagging OW)? Aim your anger at him, he is the one who broke your trust and brought you to where you are now. Is he really worth it? Surely you are worth more than this.

Hi OP.

I’ve been off Mumsnet for a few months but recognised your username and sorry to hear that you discovered your H was indeed having an affair as was suggested in Feb.

Our situations are fairly similar in both circumstances and timelines so please feel free to DM me. I had great support on here earlier this year. My H also had a 6week affair with someone from work. Ended (when he told me) a week before Christmas and we are still trying to work out if things might be repaired. Not helped by the fact the OW lives round their corner and her DS starts at the same school as ours next week...

Responding to your post here: I called the OW a month after I found out as she wouldn’t leave either of us alone. Not only was she begging at him (understandable I guess) but she was messaging me and trying to play the victim, which was what hurt me the most. She should have left me well alone and I really hate this “poor woman, led astray by mean man thing”. She knew exactly what she was doing and was not forced by my h. Equally I understand he and her are both equally disgusting for doing it in the first place. But the woman victim thing really doesn’t wash with me. Anyway I called her and I felt much better!

I then changed my number, blocked her on all social etc (as advised by the police when I reported her for harassment!)

But anyway, since then I had my say and left her alone for the sake of my own dignity (despite more contact from her). I’d say be the bigger person and she will soon realise the tramp she is. Xx

I would tell her husband, but only face to face, and only if they don’t have children. A woman who hops into bed that quickly probably is not a one time cheater. He deserves to know.

"Aim your anger at him, he is the one who broke your trust and brought you to where you are now. Is he really worth it?"

Well she's still trying to work out whether he's worth it or not isn't she.

And I am sure he's received - and is still receiving - plenty of anger. It isn't a finite pool, there will be plenty to go around.

It's just that she has years of history and shared experiences with him, children, a home, a whole life and he is apologising and begging and promising. So all of that muddies the waters and is balanced against the hurt and pain he's caused.

Whilst ow, obviously, has no redeeming features. All op knows of her is that she readily embarked on an affair with her husband. As far as op knows, she thought nothing of causing op pain or colluding in an event that could destroy a family. She may not have made any vows to op, but most right-thinking people avoid intentionally causing pain to other people, even strangers.

Never let the OW see you sweat. Wood u give this much attention 2 a cokkroach? She's beneath u, hun. xxx

The ship has sailed OP. She’s away. I think there was a time but it’s passed now.

Time to concentrate on your healing x

A woman who hops into bed that quickly probably is not a one time cheater. He deserves to know

Interesting point. On that basis, OP’s husband is likely to cheat again (or has previously, but didn’t get caught).

I wouldn't op it hurts but your still with him and to her it's almost like your the one who can't let it go and is humiliating yourself it's horrible. I had the same experience years ago with my then partner he slept with her and I confronted her she didn't give a fuck said they both arranged it and why was I moaning he's still with me isn't he?. That felt like a slap in the face, she then used it as a way to contact him telling him to tell me to leave her alone it was just horrible. This was 7 years ago but even now in the back of my mind when I think about it, it still bothers me now knowing she didn't care and I felt like a trophy prize. He had his cake he ate it then he came home to me

@TheCatsACunt has put it very well (and lots of good advice on this thread).

Let’s look at this another way. If your husband staged a robbery at your house to steal all your jewellery etc and roped someone else in, would you really want your husband to hurt the other person like he hurt you whilst effectively getting away with it scot-free himself (maybe even carrying on sleeping with you)?!

You say you can never trust him or anyone else again. I totally agree you can never trust him but not re other men (there are plenty of decent ones out there). Don’t keep living a lie with this one, just watch Sliding Doors and picture yourself as the character who didn’t realise her boyfriend was cheating on her.

If you plan to humiliate her, do the same with your husband, it's only fair. They both played a part and he actually played a bigger part than her as he is the one commited to you, not her. Sure it's wrong but she didn't make vows to you, he did. She's left you both alone so why stir it all back up again?

If you don't intend to send abusive messages to your husband and humiliate him, don't do it to her. I'm sure she's far from happy and going around living her life like nothing happened. Maybe she is but I doubt it.

Your husband has decided to stay with you and work on things and you've accepted that so I would put your engery into that. I get your anger and it's totally normal but it won't help anything and will probably just make you look bad

I just noticed that you said you won't contact her. That's a good idea. I don't understand how you feel but I can imagine. You need to keep it in your head that while he had an affair with her, he didn't 'choose' her (not that he should even get the choice and he's very lucky you're giving him the chance!). He could have run off with her perhaps but he never. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, it maybe sounds like I'm trying to say find good in the fact he never left but I'm not. Maybe find good in the fact that he'd rather tough it out and work on the marriage with you than take the easy route and run off with her because it would be easier. He obviously didn't love her, maybe find solice in that?

but I can still be angry that someone who doesn’t know me decided to enter my life and my marriage

She had an invite.

Your husband invited her - and if would've been on more than one occasion/episode where he knew what he should do, and did the opposite.

Forget about her, she could've been anyone with the 'right" set of circumstances.

You hate him and will never trust him again. Do yourself a favour and walk away sooner rather than later.