Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I contact OW again?

157 replies

PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 12:21

Husband had a short affair at the start of the year with a colleague. I found out in April, we are trying to work through it but I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. I’m still up and down all the time. DH has blocked her and not had any contact with her since the day I found out, she hasn’t tried to contact him apart from on one occasion after I sent her a text- her number was blocked so he didn’t speak to her but got a notification that she had called. I messaged her in the beginning telling her exactly what I thought of her, she has never responded. I get an overwhelming desire to text her again to tell her what a disgusting person I think she is. Childish- yes, I should direct my anger at him-yes, won’t make me feel better- probably not. but I feel like I want to humiliate her like she did me. I hate that she just gets on with her life, it’s nothing to her. Yet mine is in bits. Had anyone ever contacted the ow? Did you feel better for it?

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 31/08/2019 14:39

You KNOW you're projecting your anger onto the wrong person.

I get an overwhelming desire to text her again to tell her what a disgusting person I think she is....I feel like I want to humiliate her like she did me. I hate that she just gets on with her life, it’s nothing to her. Yet mine is in bits
Replace 'her' with 'him.

Then you can project your anger at the person who is responsible - your husband.
He's the one who's living his life 'as normal' and not paying a price for doing this to you.
Then you can actually take a good look at yourself as well - why are you even 'trying' to have a relationship with someone you know you can never trust again?
Why ARE you even giving him a 'chance'?
If you or your marriage had meant anything to him he would never have looked elsewhere in the first place.

It is ok to be angry at the OW though, she had my husbands dick in her
You mean YOUR husband CHOSE to put HIS dick in someone else?
Now he's just going through the motions of 'repairing' what he broke, biding his time...so he can put that same cheating dick back inside of YOU....and you're thinking of letting him?

I understand why you're angry at OW - but i think you're using her as a convenient scapegoat.
Some people 'work through;' affairs and stay together - good for them if that's what they want.
Personally, i have far too much self respect to allow cheaters to use every excuse under the sun to justify their actions, pass the blame onto others and then give them a second chance.
Sorry mate - if what we had wasn't 'good enough' for you before the affair then there sure ain't anything left to 'work with'.

TanMateix · 31/08/2019 14:41

I was contacted by a woman who hated me because her partner had a crush on me. I had only talked briefly to him and he sent me flowers... 4 years earlier.

When I got the message I felt a bit flattered someone I hardly remembered still cared so much about me but felt very sorry for the damn man for marrying such nutter.

It is good you are not sending it OP, it would make her feel as if he still cared much about her or even prompt him to protect her from you.

InsertFunnyUsername · 31/08/2019 14:42

Well OP I would feel like you too, I wouldn't send a text and I'd probably ditch the cheating bastard, but you will realise that.

I'm not about to pretend on MN that I'm oh so understanding and I wouldn't hold even a small amount of anger towards the OW especially if she knew. They're both disgusting but ultimately hes the one who owes you the loyalty, not her. Im not in the game of sleeping with married men and do not think highly of others who do.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 14:48

@Bluntness100

I’d be fine financially on my own, I’ve worked it out, seen solicitor etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 14:50

@TanMateix

I hadn’t thought of it like that. I don’t think I ever would have actually sent the text but really glad I didn’t now

OP posts:
TimeForNewStart · 31/08/2019 14:54

Glad you’ve decided not to send it.

If I received a text like that I would just think: ‘No wonder he preferred me’.

Faith50 · 31/08/2019 14:55

Do NOT contact OW again. You have told her what you think of her and she has decided not to respond. The more you message the more you bring yourself down.

Decide what you want to do- work on marriage or leave. The OW is no longer relevant and in the past. Do not allow her any part of your future. She has no right to this.

Yes, I contacted OW once. Told her exactly what I thought of her. I received no response and left it at that. I immediately removed her number from my phone so I was not tempted to look at her WhatsApp profile photo/update.

OW is NOT more important than you in any way. There was nothing special about her. She was simply available at the time to your dh who was weak. It took me months to accept OW was not 'better' than me. I wanted to die throughout the first month of discovery. I stood on platforms and considered jumping.

I am no longer in that place. You too will come through. Five months is very early on.

Flowers
TheCatsACunt · 31/08/2019 14:57

I feel like I want to humiliate her like she did me

But she didn’t humiliate you, your husband did.

And you’ve taken him back so obviously you’re ok with that.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 14:58

@Faith50

Thanks- it’s encouraging to hear that you have come through that

OP posts:
Faith50 · 31/08/2019 14:59

How did you find out?
How long was the affair?
Are you going for joint counselling?
How closely does your dh work with ow?

Mydogmylife · 31/08/2019 15:00

@Notallitseemstobe
Oh dear- I think you need to really think what you're doing- you're obviously not happy with your behaviour as you feel jealousy towards the wife- don't you think you're worth more than being a bit on the side to someone faithless?

Sorry to go off topic - op I think you've done the right thing - write it down then rip it up,, take some time and YOU decide the future , not him

Hadjab · 31/08/2019 15:05

She didn’t humiliate you, your husband did. He stepped out of your marriage, the blame lies squarely with him, not her.

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 15:05

@Faith50

He told me,
3 months- they met up 4 times
They no longer work at the same company but he had never worked with her before he met her at the Xmas party!

OP posts:
Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 15:05

Not having joint counselling yet, I’m having my own, going to go to one together in a few weeks

OP posts:
xsamix86 · 31/08/2019 15:07

You could always try to write a letter. Well, maybe 2, 1 for the OW and 1 for DH. Put in it everything u are feeling, all of the things u wish u could say and all of the pain they caused. Then rather than sending/giving them to the recipients burn them and let your anger blow away with the smoke. To have the chance to move forward with DH u need to let this go and move past it. Also, look at some counselling for ur self, I did the free 30 mins with one of the charities and it helped me massively!

TheCatsACunt · 31/08/2019 15:09

she had my husbands dick in her

Yes. She had sex with a man she likes, who probably whispered all kinds of sweet words to her, festooned her with gifts, and generally behaved like a loving and attentive partner.

You’re having sex with a man you hate, who has hurt and humiliated, and whom you don’t trust.

Don’t be so blinkered.

Faith50 · 31/08/2019 15:12

Primrose It has been an extremely difficult year. I have swayed between leaving, staying and having a revenge affair. I physically hit dh a good number of times and swore at him. I generally do not swear.Blush

Funnily I feel stronger and more confident than ever before. I feel the ball is in my court and I can walk at any time. Dh knows I do not 'need' him. I know I would move on quickly and meet someone else if for any reason our marriage does not work out.

Feel free to PM.

Faith50 · 31/08/2019 15:15

Primrose

It is good your dh confessed. Many spouses are caught.

They slept together four times. Was there a lot of correspondence over the three months?

So they met at a Xmas party and hit it off?

Did he confess to having feelings for ow?

EssexSexpot · 31/08/2019 15:17

She's not the one who hurt you, your husband is. He's the one who is disgusting.

Put her from your mind. Don't torture yourself with ideas of revenge or retribution.

BoredMouse · 31/08/2019 15:20

I would still like to send his OW a message 20 years down the line. But I always stop myself

TaskMistress · 31/08/2019 15:20

Write it in a diary. Never let her know.
She is nothing to you

Original poster
PrimroseDot · 31/08/2019 15:33

They had a ons at the Xmas party- he had known her for 4 hours. I’m under no illusion that if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. He loved the attention- it was all a power thing.
He says he didn’t have feelings for her, but I won’t ever really know.
There wasn’t really loads of correspondence- it was like “I’m in town today, staying in a hotel do you want to have drinks and stay?” That kind of thing.

OP posts:
BendicksBittermint · 31/08/2019 15:47

Interesting that people are so unanimous and so clear in their minds. I feel a very strong desire to write to the OW in my life.

At the moment, I am thinking that I will write to her in 25 years, when she reaches the age I was when I found out that she had been in my my life for 3 years.

Of course my husband is a great deal more culpable than she is, and I have watched him suffer and fall apart under the weight of guilt and unhappiness.

She, young and unencumbered, with no kids, no bereavements, no deep disappointments, and her whole life in front of her, has blithely moved forward, ready to enjoy the next new experience that life has to offer. I get the feeling that she is a nice person, enthusiastic, positive, cheerful, friendly, easy going. I know that my husband never lied to her about our marriage.

She never promised me anything and does not personally owe me anything more than what we all owe to all our fellow humans (perhaps all our fellow creatures). I think that includes not doing anything for our own whimsical pleasure which clearly and demonstrably causes tremendous pain to someone else. What she did has hurt me and one of my kids more than I can explain. The fact that she never specifically promised not to collude in my betrayal doesn't make it ok to do that.

I want her to have a moment when she realises what it means to watch the family which has been the focus of your life just turn to ashes in front of you. I think when she is in her late 50s she might look back with more understanding, so I will wait for her to grow up a bit, and if I am still alive and still care, I might write to her.

Weezol · 31/08/2019 16:03

You need a Big Book of Fuckery.

Go to the pound shop, buy a notebook and pen that you will use for no other purpose. Every time you get the urge to text, or start thinking about what you'd like to say to her, get it out of your head and into the book.

There is a saying about how the best way to punish the OW is to let her keep your husband

Never heard this before, but that's what I did. He was out the door sharpish. I still needed my Big Book of Fuckery in the aftermath and it became really useful in counselling. If you leave stuff rattling around in your head it will sneak up and bite you on the arse at the worst time.

It doesn't sound to me like you want to continue with the marriage - it's okay to have given it a shot at working it out and then decide it's just not for you any more.

McTits · 31/08/2019 16:03

The OW is irrelevant in the situation. You need to decide whether you can forgive your ‘D’H. I actually think your update makes him sound even worse; he obviously doesn’t value your marriage if he was willing to jeopardise it for 4 meaningless shags! I could almost understand it if he’d grown attached to someone over time. There’s no way I could ever trust him again. It took me 5 years but I finally kicked my cheating ex out and the only thing I regret is bothering to try to repair the marriage in the first place. Hopefully you’ll come to the right decision.