To confess to an affair?

[Charly108]

Need some straight up opinions. Do you confess to an affair? Yes or no? Any experience?

If your partner suspects already (no solid evidence) but the affair is officially over, sex involved, feelings involved. 6 months. You name it

Since March this year.

Shall I just leave it?

As you aren’t married and don’t have children, tell him. He deserves to make an informed decision about whether he wants to commit his life to you.

The bigger issue here, as I see it, is the “thrill” you describe. Besides being an indication of immaturity, it also suggests to me that you don’t love your partner, or at least, not enough that this won’t happen again.

A horrible thread to read. I feel so sorry for the poor fella who is with this OP. As someone upthread mentioned, she was obviously dumped by the other man and is scrambling her crap together with a tinge of fear at being found out in the future. Yes these self-serving creeps live amongst us, confirmed again. I hope he finds his own path away from this person who could not give a shit about him on any level.

@Charly108 I have to say I respect your honesty. It may be unpalatable to some, but the reason most people cheat is for the thrill of it. I was the OW and I married my affair partner. But it wasn't love at first sight, it was, at first, sexually motivated. It's an uncomfortable truth, but it is a truth nonetheless.

That being said, I get the sense your DP is something of a placeholder. You don't have an affair when you respect your partner, and you can't build a future with someone you don't respect. By your own admission, he is more invested than you are. You feel he wouldn't leave you even though you've treated him badly. Maybe you're right, maybe not, but either way, you don't respect him.

Your partner deserves more than being your 'safe option'. He deserves more than a life of suspicion and insecurity. He certainly deserves more than to be unwittingly exposed to STIs.

If you care about him at all, let him go. He's not your guy, is he?

There are many reasons people have affairs.

Loneliness.
Excitement
For validation
Because it's romantic
Being in an abusive relationship
Because tv and film promote / make it seem exciting / romantic
Depression
Isolation
Mostly because they are unhappy.

Affairs do not fix these problems.
And are a selfish and desperate way are trying to fix your life.

But life is not always black and white.

You most certainly can love your dp and find comfort with another if the relationship is lacking - and it will be if your heads been turned.

If you haven't got the tools or the maturity to communicate to your dp you will be vulnerable to an affair.

@crestar has got it right imho
Charly108

If you really do want to stay with your DP and you know it won't happen again (and there is no risk of him finding out), then i strongly advise you not to tell.

It will only likely destroy him and it will likely take years (perhaps never) for him to get over.

Don't put either of you through that if you truly want to make it work.

Robin2323 have you actually had an affair?

There are many reasons people have affairs.

Loneliness.
Excitement
For validation
Because it's romantic
Being in an abusive relationship
Because tv and film promote / make it seemexciting / romantic
Depression
Isolation
Mostly because they are unhappy.

Yes these are many reasons people use as "reasons" to explain why they had an affair. But they're just excuses. The other option is to leave and find someone else. Once you have an affair it can't be undone and this list of excuses doesn't cut it. Those who enter into them deserve what they get after the fact just as the OP should. They're untrustworthy people who by having a affair, show their true colours.

So they pretty much are black and white because unless someone tripped and fell on a dick or into a vagina, the affair was planned and carefully carried out in secret for the obvious reason: they knew it was wrong. No excuses for that.

have you actually had an affair?

So true. Honestly though, people who make such an comprehensive list of why people have affairs and why it's not always bad usually have them or condone them due to the poor person not getting enough attention or insert reason here ... So either way...

Sorry I'm rather late joining the thread but my first thought is that you got together when you were very young. I think you need to think about how you feel about him now. Are you really happy with the relationship and do you want to stay together. Why did you have the affair in the first place? Personally I think maybe you would be better to end the relationship if you are not happy not tell him in the hope he makes the decision? Does that make sense?

Because you're not Peggy Mitchell and this isn't your pub?

Hahahahaaaaaaa! @herculepoirot2 😂😂😂

I'm wondering if the OP will actually do the decent thing and inform her partner if it turns out that she has an STI, because that will mean she has to admit to the affair. Or will she take the cowards way out and choose to end the relationship, disappearing into the sunset, without also telling him that he may have caught an STI from her?

@Notallitseemstobe
No actually I haven't.

I happen to think women who have a affairs are 'stupid' and desperate , and a little sad.

I cannot understand anyone taking second helpings, sat waiting for the next free moment, while mm is having a jolly old time with his wife and kids. (How boring is that for the ow?)

And on off chance he leaves his wife/ she chucks him out how would you live with the guilt / build a happy secure relationship on lies and deceit?

With one in 3 marriage ending in divorce I've lived long enough to know people who have had affairs.

Ok mums net women are always blindside when dh has an affair but there is always resins / excuses.

And it would be lovely if people did the kind thing - worked on their relationships , and if it wasn't working , split up amicably, paid maintenance and fully co patented supportively.

But this is REAL life. Not everybody has the strength, maturity, know how or the money to do this.

Everyone is vulnerable to an affair and it would be foolish to think other wise.

With all the misery in the world I can't see how op confessing ti her dh will help him?
He'll be hurt and if does want to stay with his dw because he loves her, it just throwing more problems in on top of an already troubled marriage.
IMHO

Everyone is vulnerable to an affair and it would be foolish to think other wise.

No, that's untrue. Not every person is vulnerable to an affair.

With all the misery in the world I can't see how op confessing ti her dh will help him?
He'll be hurt and if does want to stay with his dw because he loves her, it just throwing more problems in on top of an already troubled marriage.
IMHO

They're not married. They are not tied by children.

I believe in these circumstances, he should be given the option of deciding whether he wants to stay with her. It's the only fair thing to do.

I sincerely hope that in those 6 months while you were shagging OM you weren't also shagging your partner.

Unbelievably reckless and selfish to risk his health like that if so.

If your partner has suspicions you absolutely should tell him.
Can't believe you would question it to be honest.
How would you like it if the roles were reversed?!

If your dp neglects you and some else pays you some attention you are vulnerable to friendship/emotional affair/ physical affairs.

How many times on Mumsnet
Have we read about a dh who has suddenly left his dw/dp.

Only to be told that is not the type / last person to have an affair. Yet suddenly a ow comes out the wood work.

All relationships go through bad patches , this is the vulnerable time - sadly.

They're not married. They are not tied by children.

I believe in these circumstances, he should be given the option of deciding whether he wants to stay with her. It's the only fair thing to do.

So it is okay for married women with kids to just bury affairs and risk their husband's health?

They say that confession is good for the soul. Yes, it's good for your soul, but not necessarily for his.

I'm not really able to offer you too much advice whether or not to confess, but if you do, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

ie. Because he really needs to know, not because it will make you feel better....

@Charly108

DO NOT TELL. Do not.

A clinical psychologist and I were discussing this. This is the one time, if the affair is over and you feel guilty and remorseful, YOU DO NOT TELL.

Why? Because this guilt is yours to carry, not to try and relieve it by telling someone else. And secondly, the pain caused by intimate betrayal is so huge, that you cannot knowingly inflict that kind of pain on someone, for an event that is over.

Instead, move on and try to become a better and more integrity filled human being. DO NOT TELL you will hurt him in ways that are just not worth it.

I think you need to explore in yourself why you had the affair. You are so young. It looks as though you have outlived this relationship and need to be on your own for a while.

Be kind to him but IIWY I would end the relationship without traumatising him with a confession, and spend time focusing on you for a bit.

Good luck @Charly108, work on being a better person going forward.

PS I absolutely believe you about the thrilling illicit sex.

Why else would you do it?

What @ScreamingLadySutch
Said with bells on.

Confess.

My h had an affair and gaslighted our son and me for the 4 months that we knew something was wrong. It was absolute torture and worse than the shock of knowing for definite what happened.

You'll have to accept that he may still want a divorce or for you to move out while he clears his head.

I agree with @ScreamingLadySutch

Get yourself tested. If you are clear, draw a line under it, learn from your mistakes and keep your guilt to yourself.

If you are not clear, then you have to have a difficult conversation.

Good luck OP

Also agreeing with ScreamngLadySutch and GinDaddy.

Charly you're posting about a taboo subject. It doesn't matter that it's more commonplace than people realise, it's a subject that causes outrage for many women and they will not temper their responses to you. Be aware of that.

Now that you've had the thread moved to relationships, you'll find even more damaged women posting; they've been badly hurt by affairs and will probably lash out at you. Be aware of them too and don't lash back.

Follow what ScreamingLadySutch said, don't tell. Whether you end your relationship or not, this is your burden to carry, not your partner's.

So it is okay for married women with kids to just bury affairs and risk their husband's health?

No, but I believe a married woman has more people to consider. She has to consider breaking a stable home for her children. In this case, it is unfair not to tell her partner that she has strayed.

I think any woman who has an STD has an obligation to tell her partners.

I've never had an affair. However, I did become too close with a male friend of mine. He admitted he had feelings for me (knowing I was married with DC). As soon as that revelation came out, the friendship ended particularly as I realised I was changing how I thought about him. I didn't want an affair, emotional or physical. It's sad I've lost a friend who really helped me out a lot, but the fallout just wouldn't be worth it.

I made the right choice.

I've just found out, my husband cheated on me three times. Once ten years ago prior to marriage and kids (full on affair) second time he tried it on with his friend whilst drunk (she rejected him, she's gay! 🙄😑) and third time a few months ago with a work colleague where they engaged in sexting, and foreplay. This is the one he was caught at, and the prior too he eventually admitted. I threw him out, but maybe stupidly, because he has shown nothing but remorse since, we are giving it another go. Marriage counselling the lot. I do not forgive him, in fact I pity him. He's been pathetic, but we are taking baby steps. I hope he doesn't prove me to be an idiot, but I have to try for my kids, and annoyingly, I still love him. Time will tell.

So YES, confess. You'd have to give the person that has been betrayed the choice to continue the relationship, or end it.