To confess to an affair?

[Charly108]

Need some straight up opinions. Do you confess to an affair? Yes or no? Any experience?

If your partner suspects already (no solid evidence) but the affair is officially over, sex involved, feelings involved. 6 months. You name it

Since March this year.

Shall I just leave it?

Hammondisback Fri 30-Aug-19 10:23:06 Get tested for STD first. If negative and all is good with your relationship, don’t confess. If not, you must confess.

An STD test might be inaccurate if the affair has only just ended. Some things don't show up on a test for months.

Notice how you're replying to the softer messages 😂😂😂

You're mid/late 20s and clearly wanting to try out new experiences. If you leave now, you'll have plenty of time to do so. If you stay, and if you want children, in a few years' time you'll be facing the decision of whether to have children with a man you've already cheated on once.

Because you’re not Peggy Mitchell and this isn’t your pub?

😂

FGS OP, just break up with your partner, and move on.

Why is this even a discussion?

You're not married. You don't have kids.

Less drama needed. Seriously.

Charly, just ignore herculepoirot. She’s no better than a troll. If you engage with her she’ll make the whole thread about her and her inflexible view of life. A couple of weeks ago she spent an entire thread of 1000 posts repeatedly arguing that her three year old toddler should have the right to exclude people with disabilities or of a different race to her if they made her feel uncomfortable. She’s a bigoted entitled woman. Best to just ignore her and hope that one day her life spirals out of her control and that she grows some empathy.

My belief that it is wrong to expose someone who loves you and who you are meant to love to HIV, gonorrhoea, syphilis and god knows what else is “inflexible”? Well, I can only weep for what passes for open-mindedness these days.

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

@gingerginger2 I had sussed them out from post 1, don't worry

Wow your kidding?! Too much time rings a bell....

Get yourself tested. If anything comes to light, you have to tell him.
If not...I wouldn't say anything. If it was a mistake, it is over and you are both happy in the relationship who will it really benefit?
You have to live with the guilt and that's a pretty heavy punishment.

@gingerginger2 I had sussed them out from post 1, don't worry grinwine

There is nothing to “suss out”. I have told you what I think. You don’t like that, even though you asked. That’s the beginning and the end of the story.

@Charly108 why post if you are going to get snotty with the answers you dont like.

If your partner suspects you are better off coming clean to him.He deserves that much at least.

And i wouldnt be so sure your partner wont leave you.Maybe he has itch feet as well,and it might be the nudge he needs to break free.

The wait time for HIV in the UK seems to be 4 weeks. (It's 6 weeks here in Germany, huh.)

Because you’re not Peggy Mitchell and this isn’t your pub?

@herculepoirot2

If you were a friend in real life in this situation, I'd tell you to get tested and if it's clear, keep your mouth shut.

You do need to decide if the relationship with your DP is what you want. If it is, you have to throw yourself into it and really make an effort and never ever tell them about this time, otherwise end it and walk away.

I know other posters do not agree, but I also suspect they wouldn't be giving the same advice to a friend as they dish out on here.

Do you want to stay in a relationship with your boyfriend, OP?

You haven’t said, I don’t think.

You have to live with the guilt and that's a pretty heavy punishment
The op doesn’t feel guilt. She’s carried on for 6 months guilt free. She says herself it was the thrill of unprotected sex. Why should she be able to get off scott free while her poor dp, who is the real victim in all of this, is non the wiser? How would you feel if you’d just found out your dh was shagging someone else, unprotected, for 6 months, just for a thrill! Think about it

If you want to stay with your partner then morally you should tell him so he can decide if he wants to be with someone who has cheated on him.

If the relationship has run it’s course, which it sounds like it has if you’ve been together since young and you’re wanting new experiences, then I wouldn’t tell him. It will just leave him with trust issues to carry into future relationships.

Quite apart from everything else OP, what gives you the right to put your DPs life at risk by potentially exposing him to a serious STI? That is despicable on every level. Bad enough you cheat for 6 months but to have unprotected sex is disgusting when you are also having sex with a partner who is unaware of your extra curricular sex life.

@herculepoirot2 You enjoy giving people a verbal kicking far too much, methinks. I feel sad that this is compelling for you.

There are plenty of others on this thread, who think this thread is also about verbally abusing the OP and calling her names, so that she understands just how "vile" she is.

Again, I can't really see how this is going to actually help the predicament.

She may not be writhing in protestation of guilt at the knees of the Mumsnet moral mother, but she has been open and honest enough to come on here and ask how she could proceed/move forward.

And I really admire the human honesty of talking about the thrill.

Because it's real. It really is. For her to admit that is part of the way forward. I'd rather have self realisation, than another person in denial hurting themselves and others.

But carry on kicking if it makes you feel better

GinDaddy

You admire that?

Like you say, this is real. A man has really been exposed to life-threatening diseases by a person who was supposed to be honest with him. You can try to turn that round on me by implying I ought to be nicer to the OP about it, but I will feel free to ignore the thoughts of someone who admires a person for talking about the “thrill” as she wilfully put her partner at risk.

Generally, I’d say don’t tell. But...he already suspects. I suspect he’s already in pain, and not telling him feels like gaslighting. further if you are going to try and sort out problems, it feels unfair for him to have to do emotional work without knowing that full back story. Sorry OP...I don’t think it will make it easier going forwards, and maybe it will end the relationship, but I think you have to tell him the truth in this case...

Agree with ginger and gindaddy. Of course what OP has done is wrong, but none of us are perfect. Herculespoirot you've made your point, now you seem to be hanging around to carry on the bashing of the OP. If you've nothing else productive to add, why stay around?

Herculespoirot you've made your point, now you seem to be hanging around to carry on the bashing of the OP. If you've nothing else productive to add, why stay around?

I have the same right to be here as you do. You are writing posts directed at me, so clearly I have to be “around” if I am going to answer you.

@DecomposingComposers

"Putting life at risk"...

I won't ask you this directly, but I'd love to know somehow, if everyone strictly used condoms with everyone they met, until both parties showed their test results - and then only stayed with that person throughout.

it's a nonsense. I know plenty of people who met someone, knew them as friends or the like, had unprotected sex, stayed with them, that turned into a relationship. They may have had tests at some point after hooking up, but this isn't surburban conservative America. Some people have sex, they like the feeling of unprotected sex, and they do it first then ask questions later.

So yeah, it's pretty horrendous, but I just don't think it's "despicable" - it happens more often than people realise.