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Original poster

To confess to an affair?

236 replies

Charly108 · 30/08/2019 08:22

Need some straight up opinions. Do you confess to an affair? Yes or no? Any experience?

If your partner suspects already (no solid evidence) but the affair is officially over, sex involved, feelings involved. 6 months. You name it Sad

Since March this year.

Shall I just leave it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Charly108 · 30/08/2019 10:06

@herculepoirot2 Hmm

OP posts:
SmellbowSpaceBowl · 30/08/2019 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 30/08/2019 10:07

I wouldn’t confess, what good can come of that?

ItookYourJob · 30/08/2019 10:07

I would not say anything. It is your cross to carry not his. You'll walk away free but he is going to be crushed. As the previous poster said - you need to be on your own for a while. Forgive yourself, regret etc.

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 30/08/2019 10:07

I wouldn't tell him unless your sti test gives you a reason to (unprotected sex was a huge mistake on so many levels). I'd leave though as you're evidently not happy and your partner has noticed. You can say quite honestly that what he's been picking up on the last 6 months is you realising that this isn't right any more. If he asks you outright, up to you whether or not you want to deny. I would if I thought he'd believe me. Spare the pain. You sound pretty guilty though and guilt compels you to share, I find... who else can you safely talk to?

SunshineCake · 30/08/2019 10:08

You have come to the wrong place if you want praise for your sad face and seem very up yourself when you are so sure you can cheat on your boyfriend and he'll beg you to stay. I really hope he shocks you and goes.

ravenmum · 30/08/2019 10:08

You're naturally defensive and hitting back at people judging you with accusations of being "bitter", as presumably they are saying what you really hope people won't say about you. Is that why you are worried about being honest to your partner?

As long as you get the tests done properly, and you get the all clear, of course you could just leave without fessing up. You have to decide for yourself whether you are going to start being honest or not. The obvious drawback to being honest is that people will judge you, as on this thread. But there are also drawbacks to being dishonest: your partner will continue to feel gaslit, and you will have a guilty secret. Or: your partner will guess the truth and start telling people what he thinks, and people will judge you for the affair AND for pretending not to have had one. Difficult choice for you.

ThreeGreenHippos · 30/08/2019 10:09

I was in a similar situation to yours when I was a young adult. I kind of understand that thrill you talk about due to some of the things the married man I had a sexual relationship with did. I believe he got some sort of a rush knowing he was overstepping boundaries and having forbidden sex.

If I was you, I'd do the right thing and seek couples counselling if your relationship is to be saved providing that your partner wants to stay with you otherwise the guilt and turmoil you are currently feeling will fully consume you to the point where it will gradually change your behaviour for the worse etc.

I'm 100% sure you're a good person deep down! I just think you have went off the track a little and that is okay because everybody does from time to time. There is always a lesson to be learned in making mistakes including personal growth. Smile

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 30/08/2019 10:10

You will get absolute bashed on here - for some reason the people in AIBU never ever behave badly and would NeVER have an affair.

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 10:10

@herculepoirot2 hmm

What?

ravenmum · 30/08/2019 10:10

You're not a good person. People are not either good or bad.

Catsandchardonnay · 30/08/2019 10:11

Did OM dump you?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/08/2019 10:12

This is harder than usual.

Would you want to know, @Charly108? I would. I'm always on the side of telling, because I would absolutely want to know. I couldn't forgive someone for hiding it from me.

But, I can usually see the argument for not telling, of bearing your own cross and not causing chaos in someones world if it's definitely over and you know why it happened... but in your case, it happened because you've been together a long time, you're bored and curious, and those are things that are likely to reappear.

In addition, he already suspects. It's a horrid thing suspecting someone you love, feeling that something is wrong and not knowing what. I think to prolong that feeling would be cruel. You'd end up gaslighting him, trying to convince him that the truth isn't the truth.

What are your next steps here? Do you intend to break up with him? If you're leaving him anyway, you have a stronger case for not telling him, although I would. If you intend to stay, can you build a future for this, when it's already failing, and it'll now be built on lies? It's going to be a lot harder to do, and you're going to need to be very careful that you don't end up cheating again - it's much easier the second time, you've already done it before, that moral barrier is gone.

areyoutheredenise · 30/08/2019 10:12

A lot of people have been in situations like this at a similar age. It's not right but comparing to rapists and peadophiles is Shock.

As PP posters have said, you need to be single for a while. Get your test done at GP and fingers crossed you are ok. Tell your DP. He deserves the truth then you both need to move on.

Original poster
Charly108 · 30/08/2019 10:14

@Catsandchardonnay I dumped him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charly108 · 30/08/2019 10:14

@herculepoirot2 why are you still here ? Confused

OP posts:
SophieSong · 30/08/2019 10:16

Honestly, I don't think not knowing does spare lots of people any pain, especially if they already suspect. In my case, I was never able to prove my ex cheated on me, and he certainly wouldn't have confessed, but I am 99% sure he did. I'd have much rather had the truth.

People think what someone doesn't know won't hurt them - but that doesn't take into account the way behviours change, the way the atmosphere and relating to one another changes and so on. you can't have an affair and not have it affect things with a partner, and the partner will feel those effects even if they don't know for sure what the cause is.

This can cause so much confusion, suspicion, and paranoia - it's actually worse in my view to be left hanging, knowing something has been wrong but never ever having it confirmed. It really makes moving on difficult. For me, it was maddening to know but not know. If I had just been told the truth I feel I could have dealt with it sooner.

Even now, a couple of years down the line, I'm basically over the end of that relationship but I still feel a bit of residual pain at the fact he never ever respected me enough to tell me the truth (especially when he knew I place a lot of importance on being honest).

I just wanted to say that because I feel like the idea that not telling saves people pain is often not true at all - it often adds to it.

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 10:17

Because you’re not Peggy Mitchell and this isn’t your pub?

NotTonightJosepheen · 30/08/2019 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PapaShango · 30/08/2019 10:20

I actually had a bit of sympathy for you for a second there. Then you fucked it up by acting like a brat because you didn’t like people’s responses. You just want people to feel sorry for you and to make you feel better. You’ve realised you’re a selfish, horrible person and tbh it wouldn’t surprise me if the other man actually ended it with you. Did you even want it to stop?

I completely agree with herculepoirot2. The only person I feel sorry for is your poor dp. He’s the only innocent party on all this.

KitKat1985 · 30/08/2019 10:20

You say you've had a 6 month affair from March. So has this affair literally just ended? Why the sudden desire to confess all when you will have been lying to your partner for months?

But yes, if I was your partner I'd want to know. But you need to know your relationship is unlikely to bounce back from this. I've been cheated on and the hurt is unreal. And you feel so stupid for believing all the stupid lies, and you wonder what else they were lying over and whether you can trust anything they say anymore, and wonder all the time why you alone weren't good enough. Even if he takes you back, the trust in your relationship will have been completely lost, so things will never be the same again. That said, I'd still want to know. At least then he has the choice to walk away, and you owe him that much.

yellowsubmarines · 30/08/2019 10:21

I think you should tell your partner. They have a right to know all the facts, particularly that you had unprotected sex for 6 months.

Is the OM or W married? Is it someone you know through work or someone both you and your partner know (mutual friend?). I think those two questions would be significant for me.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/08/2019 10:21

I think my answer would depend on what you want and think will happen in the future.
Do you want to stay with your partner? Can you see it lasting for ever? Or do you think when you go through hard times the thrill of sex with another stranger will become too much?
If you really honestly think you've learned your lesson and want to stay with him forever then maybe you shouldn't tell him. I know that is an unpopular opinion on here and understand that others think he should make an informed decision but if you are sure he would want to make it work anyway then maybe it would be for the best.

If he suspects though already maybe it would put him out of his misery. Or if you're not 100pc sure this relationship is for you maybe it would be best to have a break

Hammondisback · 30/08/2019 10:23

Get tested for STD first. If negative and all is good with your relationship, don’t confess. If not, you must confess.

gingerginger2 · 30/08/2019 10:24

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