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Original poster

To confess to an affair?

236 replies

Charly108 · 30/08/2019 08:22

Need some straight up opinions. Do you confess to an affair? Yes or no? Any experience?

If your partner suspects already (no solid evidence) but the affair is officially over, sex involved, feelings involved. 6 months. You name it Sad

Since March this year.

Shall I just leave it?

OP posts:
shas19 · 30/08/2019 14:05

Haven't cheated myself but have had it done to me. In all honesty, I'd rather know than not. It will come out one day. Far less of an embarrassment if he finds out from you other than somebody else. What's done is done and up to your partner ultimately what happens next!

Missmadamefluff · 30/08/2019 14:10

You need to tell them the truth and leave for their benefit. If that's how you act I a relationship, you are not ready for a monogamous one.
Go find yourself and then get into a relationship when you are ready

indy315 · 30/08/2019 14:15

Honesty is the best policy.

It might be hard but it will be better in the long run. If they find out on their own will be even worse

dustarr73 · 30/08/2019 14:38

Are you still having sex with your dp @Charly108.

Because im wondering how that is going for you.Are you using condoms with your dp,or is it unprotected.

Im going to give you my honest opinion.
1.You have no kids,leave
2.Get tested
3.Tell your dp,if he suspects its just going to mess with his head more.
4.Go have fun and be single for a while.

Notallitseemstobe · 30/08/2019 14:45

No, I wouldnt confess. If you want to leave, then do it.

He'll want details and facts that just won't help him in the long run.

But if you stay, I'd say it will happen again.

When I finished my first affair I knew being faithful again was never an option.

crestar · 30/08/2019 15:06

Some of the advice on here is shocking.

For instance -

Tell him you've been fucking someone else, then tell him you're fucking off to live your own life, and enjoy having some fun time!

Some people really do have shit for brains.

PennyPittstop · 30/08/2019 15:15

Do you want to stay in your relationship with your DH? Personally if you do then I wouldn't tell him but I would strongly suggest that you both get booked in for couples counselling to fix the problems that lead to your infidelity. Something has obviously gone very wrong for you to be tempted into an affair. You may find that you are better to break the news to him in a couples counselling session.

Original poster
Charly108 · 30/08/2019 15:16

@crestar I agree. I gave up reading them all after a while and I've just sod off. Can't be assed.

OP posts:
TacoLover · 30/08/2019 15:21

Are you even going to tell the poor sod, then?

Hammondisback · 30/08/2019 15:25

Confessing would be selfish. It would be just to expunge yourself of the guilt and would hurt your partner more, IMHO. Get tested ASAP and tell if positive. If negative, then decide if you want to stay.

Hopoindown31 · 30/08/2019 15:29

Confessing would be selfish

What is with people peddling this utter bullshit line? As if lying to your partner is not utterly selfish, particularly when they already suspect something.

The fact is that the selfish act has already happened, it is the affair. Hiding it is not protecting anyone but the perpetrator.

Carthage · 30/08/2019 15:32

Sophiesong I completely agree with you. It's so often people who haven't knowingly had unfaithful partners or who have been unfaithful themselves that talk about not hurting the partner by telling.

As you say, it's obvious the OP has been behaving differently towards her partner because he's become suspicious. He's already hurt by this behaviour but she's not going to give him the dignity of knowing why because it suits her to keep him out of the loop. She'd clearly rather make him doubt himself and his judgement, which to me is far worse than the infidelity itself. And then patronisingly assuming it's for his own good. Yeah, cos we all like being lied to and gaslighted.

Hopoindown31 · 30/08/2019 15:37

@Carthage

Absolutely, lied and gaslighted. It's the idea that it's a little white lie that keeps the peace. It isn't it is a major deception that compounds the problem. Even if your partner/spouse doesn't find out, what about any children. There are some horrendous stories out the of children finding out they are product of their mothers affairs and it is utterly devastating.

DecomposingComposers · 30/08/2019 15:38

@GinDaddy

Whether people show partners their test results before stopping using condoms is entirely up to the couple concerned. If they choose to knowingly take a risk then that i their choice. What isn't right is to take away that choice by engaging in risky behaviour when your partner believes that you are being faithful. Do yes, she has put her partner at risk by exposing him to a potential disease.

Some people have sex, they like the feeling of unprotected sex, and they do it first then ask questions later.

That's up to the parties concerned. It isn't up to one person to decide that they will have unprotected sex with a 3rd party, thus risking the health of their unsuspecting long term partner, simply because they enjoy having unprotected sex. If that's what you want then end your relationship and go have as much unprotected sex as you like, risking only your own health.

Jade218 · 30/08/2019 15:43

You need to tell him, you really do. What you've done is very deceitful and it's so unfair. If you don't tell him then you need to split from him.

Loopytiles · 30/08/2019 16:06

Your call OP.

Cheating and exposing your DP to risks of sexually transmitted diseases is lousy behaviour.

AMAM8916 · 30/08/2019 16:39

If he suspects, tell him. There's nothing worse than letting someone go crazy with wondering what went on. If he didn't have a clue, I would say don't say anything, decide if you should still be together and if you decided to stay together, do some serious work. If you decided to leave, own up to why!

ravenmum · 30/08/2019 16:59

If the test is negative you decide not to tell him, leave quickly and hope that he doesn't crack your e-mail password or have a key tracker set up. If he finds evidence, you will look more of a dick than if you told him.

Robin2323 · 30/08/2019 18:00

When I asked 'has anyone confessed and got s positive story ' I meant ;

I confessed

We worked together to solve the problems that led to the affair.
We not have a really good relationship, better than before as we are really communicating with each other etc.

The 2 previous stories led ti the couples splitting up so if you confess that will be it for your relationship.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 30/08/2019 19:32

Good grief your poor partner. Set him free and let him find someone who loves him enough not to be a total and complete dick head.

Myriade · 30/08/2019 19:50

Errr her partner might not want to be ‘set free’. Many people, men and women, actually decide to work through an affair and save their relationship.
The assumption that he will automatically want to leave is wrong ime.

However, if that has any chance to work, BOTH of them need to do some work and get counselling.

OooErMissus · 30/08/2019 20:25

It's a pretty sure bet that once he finds out the OP has been having (unprotected) sex with someone else for six months, he will probably be walking anyway.

On the other hand, if he does hang around, wanting scraps from the OP, she will respect him even less than she already does.

This relationship is dead in the water.

crestar · 30/08/2019 21:25

Charly108

If you really do want to stay with your DP and you know it won't happen again (and there is no risk of him finding out), then i strongly advise you not to tell.

It will only likely destroy him and it will likely take years (perhaps never) for him to get over.

Don't put either of you through that if you truly want to make it work.

Dinks66 · 30/08/2019 22:28

If you've had an affair then your not in love with your partner. It's as simple as that. Get the STI checks done and if all negative, forget about it. It is however time to end your relationship, you don't necessarily have to tell him about the affair, (unless anything comes back positive). But you do have to do the right thing by ending it. Do damage limitation for your DP and yourself.
I've been there x

OooErMissus · 30/08/2019 22:47

Don't put either of you through that if you truly want to make it work.

If she 'truly wanted the relationship to work', she wouldn't have had a six-month affair in the first place. It really is a simple as that. Nor would she have loved the 'thrill' of having unprotected sex over that six-month period.

I agree she shouldn't tell. But she should also leave the relationship.

It's over. She either makes a clean break, and its onwards and upwards for both of them.

Or, she drags it out, he finds out, and is deeply unhappy / affected.

Do the decent thing, and you can at least look back on the whole sorry affair (pun intended) with some dignity. Said as someone who's been there.

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