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Original poster

To confess to an affair?

236 replies

Charly108 · 30/08/2019 08:22

Need some straight up opinions. Do you confess to an affair? Yes or no? Any experience?

If your partner suspects already (no solid evidence) but the affair is officially over, sex involved, feelings involved. 6 months. You name it Sad

Since March this year.

Shall I just leave it?

OP posts:
InvernessAdventure · 30/08/2019 11:18

OP, I think your relationship has run its course. I can empathise because I was in a LTR that spanned teens into early 20s and it can be terribly difficult to walk away from someone who you've essentially grown up with, who was perhaps the first person you loved. It's also quite likely that you've (both) done a lot of changing in that time, and the lack of experience of anyone/anything else can eat away at you, as you've found. I think you need to find the courage to walk away and stop hurting both him and yourself, all the more so if you think he'll beg you to stay.

I think you still need to tell him about the affair though, because there are medical ramifications. It can take 3 months for HIV infection to show up in a blood test. If you're having a test next week it could quite plausibly be a false negative. What if you break up with him and he has unprotected sex with somebody else in the time it takes you to get retested and raise the alarm?

Just for the record, I hate all the judgy crap on this thread. It must be lovely to never fuck up, be confused or make bad decisions, but some of us can only dream. I myself am clearly following a very lowly karmic path.

GinDaddy · 30/08/2019 11:21

@herculepoirot2

My word....

I don't "admire" the activity she partook in.

What i (clearly stated before) I admire, is her honesty on an open forum in terms of sharing emotion.

For me, it makes for a better discussion.

For others, it seems to light the red mist and bring out the sceptre of judgement.

ThirstyGhost · 30/08/2019 11:24

I think that as he already strongly suspects you should tell him. The feeling that you're going mad when you suspect your partner is cheating is the worst thing. For me it was worse that the actual adultery that he put me through that. You blame yourself, "am I just paranoid.... is this my anxiety... am I going a bit mad?". It's awful. It can destroy your trust and faith in people. It's also utterly humiliating (at least it feels that way) having to go to an STD clinic for testing, getting upset in front of them when you explain what's happened, all because your partner respected and cared so little for you that they put you in this position by having unprotected sex with someone else. But you should tell him because it's his health and so he has a right to know I think.

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 11:24

GinDaddy

Self-indulgence and myopia aren’t admirable qualities, Gin. The OP can admit her true feelings because this is an anonymous forum, and what she is actually doing is making excuses for her bloody awful actions towards her partner. Nothing admirable about it at all.

hazel67 · 30/08/2019 11:26

Do you want to stay with your partner? I would work that out first. There is a reason you've had an affair and if it's because you are no longer happy or fulfilled in your relationship and you see no way of fixing it then I would leave, but not tell him about the affair as it will hurt him even more and it isn't necessary for him to know if you're leaving him anyway.
If you want to stay with him then I personally think you should be telling him so that he can make an informed decision about whether he wants to stay with you.

Ginger1982 · 30/08/2019 11:31

I don't get what you hoped to gain from 6 months of unprotected sex. Were you looking to get pregnant?

I think you should tell your DP. He has the right to know, and then perhaps focus on what it was that made you decide to do this and whether it's something that can be worked on together (if he wants that) or whether you need to go it alone.

HIVpos · 30/08/2019 11:31

Need some straight up opinions. Do you confess to an affair?

OP, what what I gather you’re not married and no DC but in a relationship with someone who suspects you’re having an affair (now finished), and have never really had a single life - true?

My suggestions:

  1. Tell your partner and work out together what you both want to do
  2. Get yourself tested for all STIs, so not just swabs but also blood tests which detect HIV and syphilis. Take into account the window period during which an STI might not show up - suggest 1 month after the last time you had unprotected sex.
  3. Your DP, whatever the outcome of your tests, should get himself tested regularly. If he has never had a test, now would be a good time to do so.

There’s a bit of scaremongering and incorrect info going on here from a couple of other posters. It is untrue that your DP has really been exposed to life threatening diseases - rather potentially exposed. Some, like HIV, are actually really difficult to pass on, whilst others are passed on way more easily. So it also doesn’t follow that if you have contracted something from the OM you have definitely passed it on to your DP.

The important things is to be responsible and do the right thing. It’s always better to know if you have an STI so it can be treated and not passed on to any current or future partner.

I hope you and your DP can either work things out or move on - whatever works best for both of you.

yellowallpaper · 30/08/2019 11:31

If the STD is clear do not confess.

Confessing something like this is a selfish act, it will make you feel better in the short term, but will devastate your partner. Why make him unhappy? You're the one that betrayed his trust. You are the one who deserves to feel any guilt, to work through your emotions and to come to terms with your actions. Not dump the shit on him.

I had an affair and was 'in love' with the other man at a time my marriage was going through a rough patch. The other man ended it and I was devastated but knew he did the right thing. I worked on my marriage and things were better. I never for one minute considered confessing, and never will. I'm the one who did the wrong thing so I've come to terms with my reasons and have put it to rest. To confess, even several years after the affair, would destroy my marriage and hurt the innocent party which he doesn't deserve.

All this 'marriage is based on a lie' is a load of sanctimonious claptrap. It's based on caring for how the other person feels, not some high ideals which few of us can achieve.

ThirstyGhost · 30/08/2019 11:32

@herculepoirot2

I think be as self-indulgent and hedonistic and you like in life, but just don't commit yourself to any more monogamous relationships. Stay single or find someone who wants an open relationship. My personal experience is that very few adulterers actually want that though. They want the security and stability of the committed relationship but they want their bit on the side as well. It's a very selfish way to live if you continue the pattern - which a lot of people do. If I was the OP I'd just be single for a while now, while I worked out what it is I want from relationships in life. It's fine of course if that isn't monogamy. It's not for everyone.

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 11:35

ThirstyGhost

Me too. I don’t care how much sex people have. None of my business. But when someone asks my opinion on their lying, cheating behaviour, then has a paddy when I give it to them, it’s a different story.

MMmomDD · 30/08/2019 11:40

@Charly108

OP - I don’t see any scenario under which telling him serves any purpose. It only hurts him a lot and, maybe, gives you a little relief, in w self-serving way.
But it mostly hurts him, and for no reason that he deserves.
I think you aren’t sure if you want to stay in this relationship or if it’s run its course.
Your affair isn’t the reason for this - it’s a symptom.
Most relationships started in teen years don’t survive. And aren’t meant to.
Both of you have grown up and changed.

If you think you want to stay and this is the right relationship for you - put it behind you and work on re-building. This CAN’T be done if you add a massive blow of your revelation to it.

If you think that the relationship is over - tell him that. That is the important point here, not the affair.
The affair didn’t end the relationship - it’s a consequence. So - why make it worse for him?
For some misguided ‘truth is always the best’? Why? Why destroy him and his memories?
It’s hard enough getting over the end of a relationship. It’s much harder to get over a relationship where your partner cheated.
Why is it better to make it harder for him ?

alittlebitdemented · 30/08/2019 11:47

I try to have a live and let live approach to life. As long as someone is not doing any harm to anyone or anything, that is their choice. However, you are potentially harming your partner both mentally and physically; he suspects your affair and you had unprotected sex. I therefore think that you should tell him.

I'm not judging you. Please don't think that. You obviously had the affair for a reason and I think you need to focus on what these reasons were before you speak to your partner. I think the unprotected sex is an interesting (and risky, but you know this) dimension. I'm guessing you knew the risks involved but you still carried on? Do you think you subconsciously wanted to get caught out?

Good luck. I hope you can find peace, without causing yourself and your partner further hurt.

sprouts21 · 30/08/2019 11:54

If you were my daughter I'd suggest that if the checks are clear you say nothing and simply split. The relationship is over.

Chunkers · 30/08/2019 12:09

Of course, you are not the only one who could tell your partner. The OM has just been dumped and may react badly? If he is married, he may want to confess to his wife and she may retaliate?

You still have not said if you hope to continue a relationship with your partner?

Illuminated · 30/08/2019 12:12

Need some straight up opinions. Do you confess to an affair? Yes or no? Any experience?

I would never have one to begin with. Ever.

Shall I just leave it?

I think it's best to be honest and let the other party decide what they want to do with the info, stay or go. But you've already proven to be a lying scum bag so what's one more lie?

Robin2323 · 30/08/2019 12:34

Sounds like you got together too Young and not done much living.

Sometimes coupes grown together sometimes they don't.

Maybe your relationship has run its course.

I think time apart would be a good first step.

I can't see the point of confessing the affair as it was just the symptom of a bigger problem.

You'd just be unburdening your guilt.

SparklyMagpie · 30/08/2019 12:46

*"herculepoirot2

Because you’re not Peggy Mitchell and this isn’t your pub"*

😂😂😂😂😂

I'm not understanding some posters who are saying "don't tell" and "what good would that do?" Yeah so just let her partner carry on with possible STD's whilst she gets away with being a cheating,vile,selfish woman

I always love this line though " so I guess you haven't ever made any mistakes and are perfect"

Now how many have made mistakes but haven't been a selfish dick and cheated on their partner? 😂 I know I haven't!

Robin2323 · 30/08/2019 12:54

I think people when young may have confessed at one time and it should made the situation worse. X 100 - for years. And for what ?

And then others just walked away.

Anyone got s 'positive' story about how they confessed and it turn out well ???
No one can

Hopoindown31 · 30/08/2019 13:04

To confess, even several years after the affair, would destroy my marriage and hurt the innocent party which he doesn't deserve.

I.e. I'll continue to lie to my DH to preserve my lifestyle and avoid the consequences of my betrayal.

Go you.

Hopoindown31 · 30/08/2019 13:10

Anyone got s 'positive' story about how they confessed and it turn out well ???
No one can

I have. My ex confessed, and after an attempt at reconciliation we decided to split and I am much happier now than I was whilst married and I don't have to look a cheating liar in the face every day. If he hadn't confessed I pretty sure I would have plodded on in my unhappy marriage being suspicious and feeling forgotten.

The fact is that OP's partner suspects and suspicious will just corrode everything and make that person unhappy. The genie is already part of the way out of the bottle so no blissful ignorance is possible.

NorbertHerbertGruntfuttock · 30/08/2019 13:43

OP. Do you want to stay with your DP. Everything hinges on this. If you think the affair is a symptom of something else and they usually are then you have to consider this. If you want to stay with him and are 100% sure you will never go down this route again it's a different story. You are very young to have stayed with this DP though. I am a firm believer in having a life before settling down.

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/08/2019 13:45

I am sorry but you need to tell him for I think the following reasons:

a) He has a right to know what kind of relationship and DP he is with.
b) You both need to try and figure out if you want to stay together
c) You both need to see what improvements can be made so you dont stray again

Loopytiles · 30/08/2019 13:47

Yes, confess, so that your DP can make informed decisions about your relationship and his sexual health.

Before telling him, decide whether or not you want to remain in your relationship.

Loopytiles · 30/08/2019 13:49

You say he suspects: has he asked you directly and you’ve denied the affair?

Was once in that position and it was really horrible, questioning myself.

PapaShango · 30/08/2019 13:51

Anyone got s 'positive' story about how they confessed and it turn out well

I have. My ex cheated. I only found after after he gave me an std. He’d been cheating for the best part of a year, with multiple women. He broke down crying and confessed everything. Poor man, it must have been so hard for him Hmm. Although it hurt at the time (a lot) I’m so glad he told me everything. Obviously, I left him then and there and have never looked back. He came begging back a couple of times after but I never gave him the time of day.

Give the man a choice. You’re taking that away from him and you have no right to do that.