To confess to an affair?

[Charly108]

Need some straight up opinions. Do you confess to an affair? Yes or no? Any experience?

If your partner suspects already (no solid evidence) but the affair is officially over, sex involved, feelings involved. 6 months. You name it

Since March this year.

Shall I just leave it?

You won’t get much sympathy here OP. You have behaved appallingly.

But

It does take unexpectedly living through this kind of thing to know how horrendous it is. I never intended for it to happen in my life either. You can hate and judge yourself more than anyone else can.

You are just a person though. This kind of thing happens to people. There's a whole body of literature, art and music to testament to that. These are the emotions that thrill us.

It’s obviously better to strive to not be in this position, but you are not alone. And the hurt you feel is real too, although it’ll never be socially acknowledged, and definitely not in AIBu

What I'm trying to say is don't be so down on yourself that you depress yourself out of action. You need to act with honesty and bravery to get yourself out of this situation before it gets worse and a broken you begins a pattern of behaviour within this obviously broken relationship. Because if you don’t address this, you’ll do it again.

You are a member of a species that has the capacity to be amazing, unselfish, strong, brave . Strive for the highest. Lift yourself clear, give yourself space to be sort this out, give your partner to chance to move on.

My advice would be finish both relationships. And Be alone for a while . Get counselling. Find out why this has happened . There will be a reason in you that has given this precedence. You will find it if you look, but you need to clear the slate, make amends and then be alone to find it. Give yourself a chance. Because even if you get thru this with one of them still loving you, you won't ever love yourself .

A good start would be the relationships board rather than AIBU, there are posters there who have compassion, empathy and knowledge of the kind of emotional landscapes, scripts and backgrounds that set the scene to this kind of situation. You won’t get much sympathy, but you might get compassion and knowledge.

Good luck x

Thanks so much @gingerginger2 for your kind message I will take that with me for a long time.

I have asked this to be moved to the relationships board.

Tell him, ASAP. Poor, poor man.

OP I think you have to unpick your own feeling to really be able to answer your questions. I think a lot depends on how young you are and what drove you to have the affair. I can't speak for anybody else but I didn't settle down until I had, 'been around the block' as it were.

Do you feel you have settled down with you DP too soon and you haven't yet 'lived'. If so, finish with him and get out there and live your life. I got married when I was forty. I know I will be faithful to my DH because I have been there and done that and have no interest in going backwards but I am only where I am because of the things I have seen and done IYSWIM? Until you know why you did it, you cannot possibly move forward. Maybe tell him, as that would be the right thing to do and it will let a bit of air get around it. If he wants to stay then at least it's with full disclosure and you can both move forward in an honest way.

@NorbertHerbertGruntfuttock I'm
mid/ late twenties and have been with partner since late teens. Never had single life as it were.

I guess it's taken this to realise things.

That’s a good idea. Good luck Charly.

You should take some time out to be single. 20s can be messy for relationships especially if you’ve been together since teens. Sometimes you grow apart. You will both feel free when this ends and you will both find real love

I think you need to tell DP so he can decide whether to stay with such a vile, selfish person. It’s taken you 6 months to realise it’s wrong? Yeah right, you just wanted to get your kicks guilt free. There is no excuse to cheat.

@Pretendapony thanks sooo much for your non helpful bitter response

I guess you're an angel then, made no mistakes, and your life is absolutely bloody perfect and wonderful? Yeah right...

Hi OP, you are clearly feeling terrible about what you have done that is obvious from the guilt you are feeling.

But please try not to be so hard on yourself, everybody makes mistakes. Although it's an awful thing it doesn't define you as a person!

If I were you I would confess to your OH, he has a right to know and at least then you would have done the right thing and he can decide what happens from here.

Sending hugs. Just remember that although you probably feel awful, this doesn't make you a bad person xx

Why do you keep calling people bitter, OP? Do you think we’re jealous? Of this?

I also think you ought to be single for a while. I believe it's quite important to spend some time as an adult without a significant other and discover a greater degree of independence.

As for if you should tell your partner - I think yes you should if you want to stay and work things through. And probably actually even if you leave. The reason for this is that it's horrible to have suspicions and to know you are being betrayed. You always wonder, even if the relationship ends.

Plus I think your partner might benefit from knowing the full picture, especially if you are not going to stay in the relationship. It might well help him to get over it - he can seek support knowing the full story and everything that has happened in context then. Rather than always wondering and thinking perhaps he did something wrong.

Thank you @sydney97 xx

It does sound like you've grown apart. But it's not fair on him to use him as an emotional rock while you find emotional and sexual fulfilment elsewhere. He can't be a transitional object, that's just cruel.

I agree with gingerginger start afresh and sort your emotional landscape out before embarking again in a relationship. Lots of us have had difficult childhoods but it doesn't give us the right to disregard others' feelings going forward. And please be honest with your partner. This wasn't a one night stand, where you might want to spare your partner's feelings. This was you emotionally checking out of your relationship for six months. Don't let him think he was going mad and can't trust his own instincts.

OP no one is being bitter, they are been honest.

You clearly don't Love your DP, you can't switch love on and off when you like, you don't just think I want a quick shag oh let me turn the love off.

You need to tell DP the truth, he has his whole future ahead of him why would he spend it with someone like you? as Harsh as it sounds everyone has the right to live a life where they are treasured and someones entire world. You clearly don't see him as that, so let someone else try.

You need to tell your DP the truth, and the WHOLE truth.

Tell him that his suspicious were right, while he thought that you loved him, you were actually out shagging another bloke for 6 months behind his back.

You need to tell your DP that you have put him at risk of getting HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhoea and any other STDs that the OM may have had, and you need to tell him that as you have been flat-out lying to him for 6 months, if you have given him an STD, it is likely to be more developed than when he acquired it and should get tested immediately.

You must not say that you love him, because you don't. Being cheated on, especially for that long, is enough to break someone. Absolutely shatter someone, their confidence, their self-worth. I was cheated on four years ago and I still wonder why I wasn't good enough. Why I didn't just deserve honesty or the dignity. Knowing that my DP and OW were sneaking around my back, they both had a dirty secret that they were hiding from me.

You need to tell him, and I hope to the high heavens you haven't infected him with anything. I hope he eventually gets over this and finds the confidence to meet someone loyal to him.

Also I hope to god there are no Kids involved!

@Charly108, what comes out clearly from your posts is an utter lack of respect for your partner. Not judging you btw. You're still very young, you've been with him forever. You're bored and wondering what you're missing out on. Well, now you know, but what you might not know yet is that you are wasting your time trying to make a relationship work with someone you don't respect. It's more fundamental than even love. Leave your partner for both your sakes and have your single life as an actual single woman.

I appreciate you cane here looking for opinions but you have mainly made this about yourself...

I've felt low this last few weeks and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy etc etc

Surely if you felt truly awful, you would of been able to see this from your partners side and then post wouldht of been how much this impacts you.

If they suspect and you're allowing this to continue and making them feel like they're paranoid and insecure then you're cruel.

I also suspect as you've thought about your partners reaction and say he won't want to split up, then you wont ever know what remorse or guilt is as you know he will forgive you. There will be no consequences to your actions.

I've a family history of an affair, and understand (have felt) its repercussions. I also know that otherwise nice people can make terrible mistakes and cause awful upset to their partner. But this part,

This sounds awful so forgive me- the thrill of unprotected sex with someone you shouldn't and the sex you shouldn't be having is a thrill I can't even describe.

Is gross. Really horrible. Tell your partner, he deserves to know and to be able to get himself checked out ASAP.

Why do you think Pretendapony is 'bitter', of all things?

I don't get that from his/her post.

I cheated on my ex-husband.

I didn't come clean. To this day, I don't think he knows. I hope that's the case - finding out wouldn't have made him happy.

I did break up with both him and the OM, though.

Clearly neither was right for me. The minute you start sneaking around, is the minute you start banging nails in coffins.

Anyway, back to you. It all sounds very dramatic. I hope you figure it out, with minimal hurt to undeserving parties.

How do you know that he suspects? Has he asked you?

Unprotected... well what's done is done but get yourself to your local GUM clinic and get tested, if it's all clear then at least you can put your DH's mind at rest about that.

I'm a firm believer in "don't ask don't tell" but a 6 month liaison and your DH has suspicions, I think the most ethical thing to do is come clean. Otherwise he will always be plagued with doubts, and that's a very unfair thing to put on someone who has no influence on the actions already taken.

I am going against the grain here.
Can you fix your marriage?
Do you love your husband?
Does your husband love you?
Can you put it behind you?
Does he want to know?
Can you make this right & commit to him?
Will it make the situation better or worse if you confess?

Do the right thing for you and your DH not what a lot of strangers say on an internet forum.

Skinnydogfatcat1

And if the OP has contracted an STI? Does that change your advice?

@Skinnydogfatcat1 I intend to indeed, thank you.