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Original poster

To confess to an affair?

236 replies

Charly108 · 30/08/2019 08:22

Need some straight up opinions. Do you confess to an affair? Yes or no? Any experience?

If your partner suspects already (no solid evidence) but the affair is officially over, sex involved, feelings involved. 6 months. You name it Sad

Since March this year.

Shall I just leave it?

OP posts:
Icecreamsoda99 · 30/08/2019 09:07

You need to break up with your partner either way, you both need to find people who fulfill you, you say you lost your mind for 6 months, well you will do it again because you got the thrill of it, there is something missing in your relationship or in you for this to happen. Get yourself checked out do not sleep with partner again and when you have the results tell him and please ensure in no way do you blame him or make excuses for what you did. I would also advise you seek professional counseling because the thrill of an affair is one thing, the thrill of unprotected sex is quite frankly baffling as you are dicing with your health and others!

Original poster
Charly108 · 30/08/2019 09:08

@GinDaddy probably made them feel better as they've been on the other side of the secret. I get it.

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 30/08/2019 09:08

you should tell him.so he can decide if he wants to stay with a cheat and a liar

Original poster
Charly108 · 30/08/2019 09:08

@wildcherries I'm not married.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 09:10

Is that going to help the OP? Or did it make you feel better...

I’m not going to dress this up - I don’t want to help her. I think her behaviour is revolting and her attitude drips with entitlement to behave however she likes and ask for understanding from strangers. Erm...no. There is no level on which I can condone or excuse a person sleeping with another person behind their partner’s back for 6 months, then coming online and trying to persuade us of her reasonableness because of the “thrill” of unprotected sex. It won’t be very thrilling if her DP has HIV.

wildcherries · 30/08/2019 09:10

Well, your partner then. Either way, he deserves to know.

katesalwayslate · 30/08/2019 09:13

Omg. You’ve done an awful thing. At least set him free and let him move on with someone who will treat him well and not betray him in the worst possible way. It’s obviously over or you never would have done this - you couldn’t love someone and do this to them.

PoshToryTotty · 30/08/2019 09:13

The fact that it was unprotected means that you absolutely have to tell him. Doesn't matter if you think it will cause him emotional pain or heartache. You can't risk his physical health - he has to know.

Your relationship is over anyway, OP. People in happy relationships don't have 6 month long affairs.

Sagradafamiliar · 30/08/2019 09:13

You have a very low opinion of your partner. Why would you stay with someone you don't respect? Let him free to find an equal, loving relationship.

Original poster
Charly108 · 30/08/2019 09:22

@herculepoirot2 I asked for opinions not necessarily 'understanding from strangers' HmmI'm not really asking that...

I certainly haven't got that from you have I. You've made your point so get off my thread now please... your bitter opinions are no use here. I get it. You've made you're point.

I have had more constructive opinions and guidance from others who can see the bigger picture at least and who still are mortified by my situation.

OP posts:
Yabbers · 30/08/2019 09:22

I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worse enemy.

OK to do it to your DH though?

The lack of remorse of what you have done and will do to him is telling. Leave him for his own sake.

ravenmum · 30/08/2019 09:25

I do not want to put him through the pain of knowing- from what I have read it could potentially make things worse by putting him through that sort of pain
But you say he suspects something, and the only thing he doesn't have is solid evidence. I have been in that situation - knowing he must be having an affair, but having no evidence - and it was very painful. After that, finding out exactly what he had been up to was painful, but also a relief, to know that I wasn't just imagining it. He'd been denying it and making out that I was nasty for accusing him, or not believing the reasons he'd given for his odd behaviour.

Everyone is different, and your situation may be different, but if your partner already suspects something and you've been denying it, why not stop gaslighting him and let him know he's not going mad, if you're going to leave him anyway?

Yabbers · 30/08/2019 09:25

I agree entirely with @herculepoirot2. (A new experience for me 😄)

chipsandgin · 30/08/2019 09:25

You say please do not judge me as a bad person unless you have been in this sort of situation and the thrill of unprotected sex with someone you shouldn't and the sex you shouldn't be having is a thrill I can't even describe

So we can’t judge? Are we also not supposed to judge rapists or paedophiles, who no doubt use the same justification for their actions? Because we haven’t been in their situation and it’s ok because they got a thrill out of it!?

Of course what you did is different as both you and the OM were consenting adults, but your DP wasn’t consensual in being put at risk of HIV or any of the other diseases you may have picked up. IMO every poster who is judging you (all of us) has every right to.

It’s utterly morally bankrupt behaviour. & fyi that’s how judging others behaviour works - you don’t have to have experienced something to know how wrong it is & the fact we wouldn’t makes us morally superior & in a position to judge away...

ravenmum · 30/08/2019 09:27

And yes, get yourself checked out properly for all STDs, of course. For your partner it's too late, if you have something, he's already infected. But you'll still need to know whether you have contracted something, for your next partner.

user1473878824 · 30/08/2019 09:29

Only on Mumsnet would having an affair put you in the same bracket as a paedophile Hmm

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 09:30

get off my thread now please... your bitter opinions are no use here. I get it. You've made you're point.

Oh dear. This isn’t “your” thread, OP. You asked for opinions on a public forum. If those opinions don’t match your own version, tough.

wildcherries · 30/08/2019 09:30

You: Need some straight up opinions.

That's what @herculepoirot2 offered. You just didn't like what you read. Not everyone will sugarcoat things in life.

I'm leaving the thread - so you don't have to tell me to ...

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 09:31

I agree entirely with @herculepoirot2. (A new experience for me 😄)

😂

Oakandlove · 30/08/2019 09:32

I have had more constructive opinions and guidance from others who can see the bigger picture at least

There is no bigger picture, just what are you telling yourself? Leave your partner and make this a bit less disgusting if at all possible.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2019 09:33

Why did you cheat?
Was is just the thrill of it?
Do you actually love your DP?
Is sex with your DP regular and good?
Does he satisfy you?
Does he love and cherish you?
How long have you been with DP?
Do you have DC together?
How old are you?

0lga · 30/08/2019 09:33

You say you don't want him to go through the pain of knowing. But I don’t understand why you didn't care about this pain for 6 months yet you suddenly care now.

What has changed? Has OM dumped you?

S1naidSucks · 30/08/2019 09:34

I agree with everything herculepoirot2. The way you’re trying to make out that you’re also a victim in this is absolutely sickening. There’s only one person I have sympathy for, and that’s your husband.

The fact that you’ve immaturely told herculepoirot2 to get off your thread, because she told you the truth, shows how you’re making the affair all about YOUR feelings and how painful it is for YOU, just shows that your husband would be better off without such a selfish, shallow wife. That poor man.

misspiggy19 · 30/08/2019 09:35

Confess. Your DH has a right to make an informed decision on who he is spending his life with.

^I agree

LODfan · 30/08/2019 09:36

You should tell him if he suspects.

You read thread after thread on here about how the suspicion drives the person mad, not necessarily the cheating. Some work through it once the truth comes out.

What you are doing by denying his suspicions is in effect gaslighting him. Revers the roles and it would be LTB.