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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving my wife

181 replies

Jack1964 · 30/08/2019 01:57

I am just about to tell my wife I am leaving her but I know she will beg me to stay,
Anybody got advise on this.
I have given my tenant 2 months notice and I will move into the cottage then, unfortunately I will have to live in the same house as my wife for the next 2 months.
I feel I should at least give her 2 months to let it sink in.
I am leaving her for infidelity reasons and the fact we have had a Shiite last 8 yrs together.

OP posts:
sadandtired01 · 30/08/2019 02:17

Seems like taunting her to stay there in her face for two months while ‘it sinks in’ irrespective of the reasons or whose fault it is.

Who has been unfaithful ? Her or you ? Why has the last 8 years been shite. It reads as though you have been drinking at the time of posting this in which case perhaps think on this when sober in the morning

C0untDucku1a · 30/08/2019 02:24

Why not wait until youre in a position to move out.?

Doyoumind · 30/08/2019 02:29

Living together after you have told her will not be pleasant - particularly for her if she's not on the same page as you. Why not wait until you are ready to go?

DrinkTaboo · 30/08/2019 02:54

OP, I think you should leave after telling her. You are planning on leaving anyway and you have 2 month's rent still so could put that to renting a place.

I think it would be shit to tell her you are binning her off but then expect to still live together when there are options to move. Then again she might move out after you tell her anyway. Not everyone likes to stay in a house that has "shite 8 years" of memories.

Banangana · 30/08/2019 03:08

If she's cheated and you'd rather split up now than keep up a facade for 2 months then it's a good idea to tell her. How she copes during the next few months isn't your problem and if you were a woman no one would be telling you to consider your cheating spouse's feelings. It's also understandable that you'd want to stay in your own home rather than go through the trouble of moving out, setting up a new home for two months and wasting money on rent only to move again when the cottage is ready.

If you're the one who's cheated then it'd be kinder for you to live elsewhere for the next two months.

CatonNZ · 30/08/2019 03:18

Ok.... it’s 2 in the morning and there’s a few things to sort out.,,

  1. have you had a chance to talk about your situation with some people who you feel will give you some love and support?
  2. are you writing this because you want to get it off your plate because it’s been going on (maybe a bit) too long? 8 years is a while...
  3. someone needs to live elsewhere as you and you wife will have things to sort out on a personal level and if it’s been shite as you say them you nor she will want the person with whom they shared misery with for another eight weeks. Someone needs to go. Peacefully for a while while this situation gets sorted.

Suggestions: citizens advice bureau, online ministry co UK on getting divorced, family mediator.
The process will take you out of your comfort zone but with legal guidance and support you have the opportunity to figure out what you want.

Don’t rush!!

Winterlife · 30/08/2019 03:24

Don’t tell her until you can move out.

As I posted previously, get your ducks in a row. See a solicitor. Move half your joint accounts to your name. Look at how you will divide your assets. Tell her once you’re in a position to move the next day.

Original poster
Jack1964 · 30/08/2019 03:27

Ok , she did the cheating not me.
She will probably find out in the next couple of days via the Tenant or her friends anyway.
I thought I should be the one to tell her as opposed to getting it second hand.
I had to give the Tenant some notice as I cannot kick her out the same day as I tell my wife I am leaving her.
I wouldn’t be able to find a rental for 2 months in my area and a hotel will run me about £200 per night x 60,nights so around £12000 for 60 days

OP posts:
MsJRMEsq · 30/08/2019 03:32

You should leave when you tell her. She'll probably tell you to fuck off out of the house anyway.

Original poster
Jack1964 · 30/08/2019 03:38

It’s ok saying move out , but it’s not feasible, I don’t have family in this area and I need to be close to my business.
I was looking on advice on how to break the news to her and not on were I will be locating myself the next day.
So some constructive suggestions on what to say and expect pls

OP posts:
Chewingbubblegum · 30/08/2019 03:38

If she is the one who cheated, there is no reason to allow her to force you out 9f the house. You are the wronged party here.

Good for you. No one, vman or woman, should have to put up with a lying, cheating spouse.

Peakypolly · 30/08/2019 03:39

What you are actually telling her is that you no longer are able to stay within the marriage due, at least in part, to her being unfaithful. I think it is a kindness to tell her this so she is not under any misapprehension regarding your shared future.
Do you have DC? If so, have you considered how they will hear the information, this is also best to come from you/ your wife.
As Banangana says, it is not your problem as to how she copes with the next two months but it will in fact, give her a chance to plan her future even if the living conditions are not ideal in the short term.

Chewingbubblegum · 30/08/2019 03:43

Just tell her clearly that you know she has been unfaithful and you'd like to bring the curtains down on the relationship.

I suggest you go for coffee or lunch (somewhere quiet but out of the house) as that might address your concern that she will beg you to stay. She might be less likely to do so in public.

You shoukd also be clear with her that there is no chance that her pleading will change your mind.

Alternatively you can write her a letter setting out your feelings and decision clearly.

shiveringtimber · 30/08/2019 03:48

I would imagine she already knows the relationship is over. It's just a matter of saying, "I've had enough; it's over."

itsmecathycomehome · 30/08/2019 03:53

There is no easy way to tell her op. If she doesn't want the marriage to end, she will be upset and may well try to persuade you to stay so you just need to be focused and determined.

Speaking from experience, the kindest thing is to simply state the bald facts - I cannot feel the same about the marriage since the affair, I want to separate and this is how I see things working out on a practical/financial level.

If you want to remain amicable, do not throw around accusations as she will naturally become defensive (use 'I statements' not 'you statements).

There is no reason you should consider her feelings in the circumstances, but it will be easier for you and any children/wider family if you do.

Over the next 8 weeks get your ducks in a row and urge her to do the same if she is in denial. Make your plans but hold off dating or do it discreetly. Do not give her false hope with cosy chats, reminiscing or by appearing to waiver.

If you were a woman, posters would be urging you to change the locks, put her stuffs on the lawn in bin bags, clear out the bank accounts and get a shl.

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/08/2019 03:57

You should leave when you tell her. She'll probably tell you to fuck off out of the house anyway.

Well, as she’s the unfaithful party she’ll have no right to tell him to fuck off out of his house will she? Or would that be ok in your eyes because she’s the woman and so to some on here can do no wrong? Will you now say he must have driven her to it? This irrational bias makes me sick.

greentheme23 · 30/08/2019 04:03

You cheated. I'm leaving. I'm not sure there's any good way (not sure if you want to be fair or kind or blunt) to say it. She may come back and tell you some truths too. It sounds like things have been crap for a long time so she may just shrug and say 'yes whatever'.

cantfindname · 30/08/2019 04:05

@itsmecathycomehome Excellent well thought out and reasoned post

This is the right advice to follow OP>

HennyPennyHorror · 30/08/2019 04:42

even if she wasn't the unfaithful party, she still could not tell him to get out.

OP just be clear. Say "It's over, I won't stay...we're over and I've given notice to the tenant. I'll move into the cottage once she leaves"

Refuse to be drawn into emotional battles. Just stay calm and avoid being alone with her as much as possible.

Jesaminecollins · 30/08/2019 04:47

Just leave and stop prolonging the agony for her. My next door neighbours husband walked out on her a couple of years ago he was 53 (midlife crisis?) She doesn't know where he is or who he is with which I think is cruel. I don't know if she has started divorce proceedings because she won't say. If I was her I would hire a private detective to trace where he is because I think he is with a younger woman because he has been spotted in a nearby village with a younger woman with a child. I honestly think she is hoping he will come back because they were childhood sweethearts and he is going through some kind of crisis because his mother had died. I wouldn't take him back but I am not as easy going as she is. I won't go into anymore details on an open forum but I think she needs to move on just like your wife needs to - so just leave now and stop messing her about.

Alicewond · 30/08/2019 04:48

I’m so sorry for you op, I have no advise to offer in your residence issue, just wanted you to know I feel bad that you were cheated on. It will only get better from here whether you believe it or not, you can move on

Banangana · 30/08/2019 05:07

@Jesaminecollins I'm sure it felt good to let all of that out but it really has fuck all to do with the OP and his situation.

Jesaminecollins · 30/08/2019 05:16

@Banagana

Yes it does because my neighbour is in a similar situation to his wife.

Why you have to be verbally abusive to me when we should be advising Jack on what to do for the best in his current situation. I think he should not hang around for 2 months and stay at a friends or with his parents and not stay at his house because it will make his wife think he is not really going to leave at all

Banangana · 30/08/2019 05:30

In which ways are the situations similar?

AnnonniMoose · 30/08/2019 05:31

OP just be clear. Say "It's over, I won't stay...we're over and I've given notice to the tenant. I'll move into the cottage once she leaves"

^ This

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