Leaving my wife

[Jack1964]

I am just about to tell my wife I am leaving her but I know she will beg me to stay,
Anybody got advise on this.
I have given my tenant 2 months notice and I will move into the cottage then, unfortunately I will have to live in the same house as my wife for the next 2 months.
I feel I should at least give her 2 months to let it sink in.
I am leaving her for infidelity reasons and the fact we have had a Shiite last 8 yrs together.

@Banangana

Her husband left her because she had an affair - I should have added that.

I personally think they are both to blame but he needs to let her move on now - he turns up once a week to take his children out and I watch her standing at the bedroom window watching him with a longing look on her face - all very sad.

why should he leave, she's the one being unfaithful. Tell her she can go stay with the person she cheated on you with until you can move into the cottage. Why should you have to move out before your ready when she's the one who caused this. Stand your ground.

@Alysanne

I agree but he has decided to move out so it is his decision

If he's moved out and turns up once a week to get the children then it sounds like he's moved on and the relationship is over. He can't really be blamed for the longing look on her face or her inability to move on.

As far as the OP is concerned, wouldn't you say that if living together after separating is a terrible idea, the person who has cheated should ideally be the one to stay on a friend's couch to make the next couple of months bearae for the wronged spouse? Of course she doesn't have to do that at all and she has as much right to stay in their home as he does. But I'm finding it bizarre that so many people think that because he has a penis, the OP has the moral obligation to make life as easy as possible for his cheating spouse at the expense of his own comfort.

Bearable*

Jesaminecollins

Just leave and stop prolonging the agony for her.

...just leave now and stop messing her about.

Jack I really hope you're not paying any attention to this^

Does your wife know that you know that she's cheated?

If she does, then go ahead and tell her, and as others have said, try and be concise, and not get into any emotional, pleading discussions. From you posts, it sounds like you are already emotionally detached, and your feelings for her are completely dead. So she will know pretty quickly that she's not going to change your mind.

If she doesn't, well that's a whole other ball game, and sticking to the script might be near on impossible, because she will likely enter a phase of denial and saying and doing anything to win you back.

Still, try and stick to the script, present her with evidence if you can, and tell her nothing she can say or do will change your mind, repeat.
DO you have children?

@Banangana

Yes I know this but he hasn't told her where he is and he hasn't divorced her so they are both now in limbo - I would think he would like to perhaps marry his new woman or at least let his kids meet her. His children are in their 20s and old enough to accept their parents are separated and living apart

@Goatcurious

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I am sure Jack will decide which is the right thing for him.

I wish you well, Jack.

Me too Jack - I wish I had your courage

Just tell her you can't move on after the cheating and the marriage is over. If she isn't comfortable living together for the next two months maybe she can go stay with the OM until you leave.

There really are some odd replies on this thread.

Jesaminecollins

Wow - there are no comparisons, though, are there?

Jack will be staying in the house for 2 whole months - his cheating ex wife will know where he is, because they'll still be living together until he moves out into a cottage which I am assuming, they jointly own. His wife will know where he lives, won't she?

Do your friend a favour, and stop letting her think she's the victim. She cheated on her DH, and he's moved on. She's brought it on herself.

Sorry for the derail, Jack.

You stay till your good and ready .
I’m in the same position although we are in the motion of divorcing.
Sorting out or I’m trying to sort out finances as he refuses to engage.
We are still in the same house it’s his house as well as mine.
Why do people say anyone should move out.its not as easy as that.
Jack just tell her as it is we haven’t gotten along we have changed we aren’t in love anymore.
It’s more productive for both of us if we end it now.
This in mind I will be moving into the cottage blah blah.
She will cry etc but she’ll be quietly relieved no one likes feeling like shit after they have been caught out.
That’s the easy bit the hard bit is the actual divorce and the finances.
One bit of advice put in your reasons for divorce before her don’t wait around.Do it as quickly and swiftly as possible.
It’s not what’s said it’s how you say it Jack.

Oh I would be dreading the next 2mths, hopefully she will have somewhere she can stay even if you can't, even an air bnb.

As someone else said resist getting into any slanging match, keep it straight and strong but respectful. Maybe just stick to the script of not the same post infidelity, she can't really complain about that. Tell her you've been unhappy for 8yrs so have had a long time to think about it. You have had some time to get used to this but it may come as a shock to her so try and be kind/respectful whilst not allowing any negotiation, firm but fair.

Best of luck...

I’d be telling her to fuck off to the cottage since she was the one sleeping around behind your back.

Tell her you'll be moving out once the tenant leaves the cottage. That you've made your mind up you don't want the marriage anymore following her infidelity.

Will you be filing for divorce? As I sometimes think, not saying this, leads the other person to think there's still hope. You need to make it clear you're done.

Over the 2 months...move into the spare bedroom and live a separate life to avoid confusion and be civil with her.

Good luck

Tough situation OP.
Do you have DC together?
It would definitely be better for you tell her before she hears it from someone else.
I think you should let her know that you can't get over the affair and that your marriage is over. You have given your tennant 2 months notice and will be moving out then.

You will have things to sort out.
Finances.
Assets.
Child maintenance if you have DC.
Bank accounts.
Savings.
Pensions.

Use the 2 months trying to keep things as amicable as possible.
Sorry you are going through this.
I had to live my cheating ExH for 6 months after we split.
It was hell on earth and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
Summer holidays are coming to an end.
Would there be an Air BnB in your area you could rent for a couple of months?

Make sure this comes from you and not through gossip.
Good luck.

No his moving into the cottage and to be honest his really being thoughtful.He could say the wife should move to the cottage.why should he get a band b or whatever.
For 8 years there has been a sloe death compounded by the affair.
They lived through it and it won’t make much difference now.Jacks sorted on living accommodation.
His question is how does he tell the wife

So let’s start afesh.
I can’t leave and will not leave until my tenants Tenacy is up in 2 months time.
I’m looking for advise on living in the same house and not giving into my wife changing my mind about leaving.
The deed is done with my Tenant she has her 2 months notice served.
I now need to be strong in my own house for my reaming time here.

I know I should use spell check

Just say to her you no longer want to be together and you will move in to the cottage you own in 2 months time. Say you aren't leaving until then but she is welcome to go elsewhere until then if she wishes but you do not expect her to go. Then obviously work out sleeping arrangements. That's the first step.

After that, you need to agree how things will be split and contact for your children if you have any. Do you intend to go and live in the cottage and she will keep the house?

If she doesn't want to split, she may try and change your mind but sticking with your decision firmly would be the best option. Seeing a counsellor to help you stay firm in your decision and stay strong is probably the best option here.

Sorry you're in this situation. But you could ask HER to leave?

@Jack1964 - sorry you are going through this - many people post before reading the whole thread / don't actually read to comprehend what the OP is asking for but rather steam in with their opinions.

In response to what you were looking for advice about - I would tell her as others have said - that the marriage is over and that you are moving into the cottage once the tenant vacates. You say the marriage has been shite the last 8 year but you don't say why. I am genuinely not trying to victim blame you but could her infidelity have been down to this - although there is never a good excuse - she may not be entirely shocked that you wish to leave. Can you shed any light on why the last 8 years were so bad? And do you have DC? These circumstances could make a difference to how you deal with the next 2 months under the same roof.

Hi OP,
Sorry that you're in this situation.

In terms of what you should say, and this has happened to me on more than one occasion unfortunately, I'd keep it simple. I'd explain firstly that you've asked your tenant to leave the cottage and then explain that you've done so because you want to move out. At that point she'll already know that you know and if it was me I'd give her every opportunity to come out and say it herself.

If she doesn't bite I'd just tell her that you both know that things have been difficult for a long period and you feel that because you've not been able to resolve things through communication that the relationship is over. Honestly, I wouldn't be the first to mention the affair/infidelity but I would hint at knowing something. Hearing it coming from her mouth might be strangely cathartic for both of you.

Hm, if it's her who had the affair then she will kind of have to put up with you for 2 months.

I lived for a while with my exh after his affair. If you can, create your own separate space, ideally a bedroom, and lock any important paperwork etc. you have in there. Just try to spend as little time together as you can: eat separately, etc. It's going to be uncomfortable, there's not a lot you can do about it.

Don't get involved in any discussions about why you are going. If she starts a discussion of that kind, say "I don't want to stay together", leave it at that, repeat as often as necessary. So if she asks "But what about the kids?", don't say "They'll get over it"; say "I don't want to stay". You can discuss organisational issues after you're out.