Leaving my wife

[Jack1964]

I am just about to tell my wife I am leaving her but I know she will beg me to stay,
Anybody got advise on this.
I have given my tenant 2 months notice and I will move into the cottage then, unfortunately I will have to live in the same house as my wife for the next 2 months.
I feel I should at least give her 2 months to let it sink in.
I am leaving her for infidelity reasons and the fact we have had a Shiite last 8 yrs together.

"So I find out today that my wife met with our tenant in the cottage and told her she could stay on there as we had changed our minds about needing it for a family member."

1. Serve official 60 days notice in writing on your tenant.
2. Tell your tenant verbally it is you who are moving in as you and your wife are splitting.
3. Explain to your children that you are separating and why.
4. Start sorting out your finances.
5. Take advice from a solicitor.
6. Start divorce proceedings.

It doesn't matter that your wife is crying. It's natural that she's upset but she has to understand that, for you, the relationship is over and that you no longer want to be with her.

It doesn't matter if her cheating was her 1 and only indiscretion. That is 1 too many for you and it is your right not to put up with her behaviour.

You need to let others know what is happening as that will help move things forward and help her to accept it.

Don't give in to your wife or children"s feelings. You do not and should not have to stay in an unhappy marriage to appease others. Your feelings need to be paramount now and, if you've spent 8 years being unhappy, it sounds like it's time for you to move on and have a chance to make a new life.

Serve written notice to your tenant. Start divorce proceedings and do not leave your home. She has no more right to it than you do.

Tell the DCs but all you need to say is that you aren't happy and haven't been for a long time.
Difficult for someone else to argue over that.
Keep it simple and dont' bother (imv) trying to prove who the bad guy is. You aren't happy haven't been for a long time and want to separate, it is in the DW''s interest too if you are not in a happy relationship.

Honestly, from what he's said about his wife, I wouldn't put it past her to try and turn him into the villain in this situation. If (or when) the children see their mother in hysterics over the end of her 30 year marriage, I don't think 'I'm unhappy' will cut it. I know it should be enough and as adults they should understand and not take sides. But if my own parents were to divorce because one of them was unhappy, I'd put my time and resources into supporting the one who'd been left devastated and while I'd understand that it's hard to stay in an unhappy marriage, I'd still feel very hurt and upset for the parent being left.

Infidelity would obviously completely change things. So while I agree that it's best that he doesn't share all the gory detail or insult their mother, he may find that choosing to keep them in the dark may negatively impact his own relationship with them and stop him from receiving support that he may have otherwise received from them.

I am getting the sense OP that you are frightened of your wife and very much under her control. I wonder if your children are too and if/when you tell them, they will try to ensure you stay in the role you have been in for all of their lives. If you are a worker/provider who has always capitulated to your wife's demands then shes going to put up a very strong fight to stop you leaving. Has there been any domestic abuse from your wife to you in the past? I ask because you seem very resigned to the 'giant waking up' story and stopping your escape.

Where are your family and friends, who knows that you have been cheated on and that you feel so unhappy?

If you don't have those supports in place, which is telling in itself, I suggest you get yourself some in the form of professional help. I suspect your original request for help was more important than we understood - that you couldn't get out of the home without your wife finding out and you were aware you are too powerless in the relationship to go against her. How did you find out about the affair may I ask?

Do you both own the cottage?

Surely you can't just give notice if the other owner doesn't agree?

See a solicitor and stop mucking your poor tenant around.

Yes we both own the cottage , we both work in our successful business,with both of us having critical roles.
My wife is verbally abusive and angry but never physically abusive.
I don’t have friends nor family in this part of the country that I could trust, I’m flying solo with this.
I have been using a therapist for the last 5 weeks but have decided to stop with this as I get better info on this site than with her.
I have let my wife have her way Re not moving Tenant out of the cottage as some of you have suggested i cannot do as she is the owner also.
I have moved my clothing and precious items into the pool house on the property.
I will stay here until we can come to a compromise over the division of assets.
I am trying to stay away from my wife apart from in the workplace where we are constantly interacting with one another, thank god we are very professional about it.
Ps I could never tell my children that their mother is a cheater, why do they need to be hurt by this.

Try another therapist OP. Sometimes it takes more than one to find the one you click with.

As others have also suggested, see a solicitor ASAP.

I don’t know what to say about your children. If you don’t tell them, which probably is the best course of action, be prepared for your wife to attempt to blame you for the split.

No there is no need to tell them she cheated . I left my abisive ex . I told Ds o thought we would both be happier living separately.

Kids don’t need detail,

Therapists wont give you practical advice its not their role, but you can get that on sites and using specialists like legal advisors, financial advisors etc. What a good therapist can do is help you work out your part in the relationship and support you with making changes such as avoiding remaining, feeling guilty, tolerating unacceptable behaviour.

It sounds like you are going to have to work steadily to end the marriage given you have business and home as your joint connection. You might want to join some divorce forums where you can get a lot of practical advice based on others experience and on going support from regular users.

Can you recommend a good divorce forum?

Have you seen a solicitor yet? That really needs to be your first move. You need concrete knowledge of your legal position. All the advice on all the forums in the world are not going to be able to answer those questions as each situation is unique.

Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean filing papers. It just means educating yourself.

Glad you have the pool house to go to. Does it have a lock on the door so you can have a true retreat?

And unless you want to come out of this the bad guy, you do need to tell your adult children. Once your wife realizes there's no going back, she will turn on you. I guarantee it.

@Jack1964 I have sent you a PM

I agree OP, don't drag your kids into it. However, even as co owners, you do have rights. It was very sneaky of her to go and speak to your tenant and your tenant is also likely very confused about the situation now. Correct me if I'm wrong but you sound quite wealthy so is renting somewhere a possibility for the time being an option while you sort out legalities?

I really don't get why saying you put up with her menopausal mood swings for 8 years was wrong. Sure all women go through the menopause but having vicious mood swings, an affair and being verbally abusive are not condoned under the 'going through the menopause' umbrella of reasonable behaviour. I also agree that asking someone if they let theirself go is just down right rude and I actually can't believe someone said that!

Pool house? Let cottage? Theres plenty of money here ffs, so just go and get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Sorry, OP, I do have every sympathy for your situation, but you are coming across as a little bit drippy with regards to your own life.

Give the poor tenant WRITTEN notice, and tell them the truth. Offer to help them find somewhere else, given that your wife has messed them about and its the least you can do.

Does it really have to be a £200/night hotel or nothing?

Finally, GET A LAWYER AND DIVORCE YOUR WIFE!!

It must be a very difficult situation to be in OP and I sm sorry and shocked at some of the comments that tried to find you at fault in any way. If the roles were reversed, no one would have asked the poster what she looked like and if she let herself go as it would be unfair.

I think the only way for you to get through this (a lot easier said than done) is to take the emotions out of it on your side - you can’t control your wife’s reaction but if she is being manipulative, you can not react to it, don’t let it get at you etc. I agree with you on avoiding being in the same air as much as possible especially if you already have to spend the working day together. If you can, joining the gym would help you getting it out of your system and being out of the house.

In addition to this, focus on the practical, get the ball rolling with a lawyer. Get friends’ recommendation rather than going random and still emotion out of it. Whenever she cries, pleads etc, tell her you’re not angry, you’re over and walk away.

I hope things work out for you. Take care

She has no right to beg you to stay. She did this; some indiscretions (laughable to use such a polite word) are too severe to warrant a second chance.

I first saw this photo on MN. I think it's the perfect illustration of why you are leaving.

@Jack1964

You have a pool house?

With your kind of money I would go for a top London divorce lawyer and take her to the cleaners - everything should be split 50/50 and she should be named as the reason you are getting a divorce ie: Adultery.

The reason for the separation will not impact the financial settlement. If there hasn’t been 2 years separation, unreasonable behaviour might be easier to evoke rather than adultery if he hasn’t got enough evidence.

I keep seeing this thread, and I can't help but be a bit surprised that as a director of a successful business and with finances that allow not only a pool, but a pool house that you can live in, that you don't book an appointment with a decent local divorce lawyer. SAHMs who have dropped out of the labour market and can't afford legal advice are in a real predicament, but you can be properly advised legally and you say you have also had therapy sessions to assist with the emotional pressure, albeit that you may replace your therapist. There's no merit in citing adultery unless you want to be inflammatory. If what you want to achieve is a divorce, book an appointment and get papers filed so that your side takes control of proceedings and you are proactive rather than reactive.

OP there is a legal section on here where you ask some legal questions.
But your best bet is to visit a few in your area.
Some offer a free half hour.
See who you feel most comfortable with and then take it from there.
You can divorce for all sorts of reasons.
Just get the papers filed and get the process underway.
It will seem overwhelming at first but then the relief will follow once you start the process.

Oh dear, if it's your wife's tenant too then that wasn't a great move announcing the divorce and single-handedly giving the tenant notice at the same time. You can't go over your wife's head, and doing so will piss her off even more than she probably is already (now you are escaping her control). You need to be as cool, rational and by the book as you can.

Is there any way you could separate without selling up/moving the tenant out immediately? My ex and I had a temporary arrangement for a couple of years before we sorted out the house properly, and it gave us both useful cooling-off time.

OP - how long ago was the cheating?

I'm sorry your in this position, I think I would write down some notes as to what has brought me to this decision & how I am feeling so I can refer back to this when feeling weak & tempted to give it one more try. It may remind you why you are doing this & confirm to you that you are making the right decision for you.

I have been using a therapist for the last 5 weeks but have decided to stop with this as I get better info on this site than with her.
Good god, please do not do this. Only half way through this I was thinking all the bloody lunatics have turned up to offer opinions that have nothing to do with the situation and general crap advise.
Speak to a solicitor re: tenancy / wife's actions and finances. Keep going to therapy. The grey rock advise is also great.
Good luck!