Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving my wife

181 replies

Jack1964 · 30/08/2019 01:57

I am just about to tell my wife I am leaving her but I know she will beg me to stay,
Anybody got advise on this.
I have given my tenant 2 months notice and I will move into the cottage then, unfortunately I will have to live in the same house as my wife for the next 2 months.
I feel I should at least give her 2 months to let it sink in.
I am leaving her for infidelity reasons and the fact we have had a Shiite last 8 yrs together.

OP posts:
2020ismyyear · 31/08/2019 20:25

Do sorry you felt you had to explain yourself. Sad

I replied further up about booking some odd nights away. It’s a truly awful atmosphere to live in and I do think you’ll need some respite from it.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 31/08/2019 20:33

What a crap situation to be in. Personally I would tell her sooner rather than later fit my own benefit, the waiting would make me feel I was loosing my mind.

As to telling her, I’d say ‘I can’t get over your affair. I have given the tenant 2 months notice and I’ll moce into the cottage then. I want to be amicable but I won’t live a lie.’

As to getting through the next 2 months, I would work a lot and try to be out a lot. For myself, not her. It will be totally shit, but you’ll get there.

awishes · 31/08/2019 20:40

I remember your previous post. You've had a rotten time but at least now you can move on. Tell her straight so there can be no misunderstanding.
I wish you well. I lived with my ex for several months and it was torment.

Jesaminecollins · 31/08/2019 20:46

@Jack1964

Join a dating site

middleeasternpromise · 31/08/2019 21:01

I would probably select a good marriage therapist who you interview first, you need to be clear that you want to discuss the ending of the marriage and you want to be able to do that in a supportive environment. Arrange for the first session to be as soon as possible after you inform your wife you are leaving. Your wife knows you very well and you her. Why are you so certain her response will be to attempt to prevent you leaving? If she were to take that position, why do you think that is? Is it about love, fear of you being with someone else or an issue of control?

How are you planning to tell your children? They are very important in this regard and how might each of them respond do you think? It can be very hard on adult children when their parents separate more so that some people anticipate.

Do you have a network of supportive friends separate to your wife? It would be helpful to speak to them in advance and ask for their feedback - if they know you and your relationship are they going to be surprised by this decision or are they likely to feel this is a needed step? Close trusted friends are your greatest support when you are navigating a difficult decision like this.

Lastly are you sure you want to end the marriage? Is this a cool headed decision or one located still in emotions - that will be important to your capacity to remain consistent and clear with your plan. Only you know what the 2 months are going to be like - from experience I can say its very hard to live under the same roof when a separation is being worked out but it can be done and many people have to do it because they are not in the fortunate position you are with resources. Being busy is helpful and avoiding too much unstructured home together time, setting some structured time to talk with a counselor as a focus for needed talking. Good luck

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 22:39

In all honesty OP, not posting any of this, and paraphrasing it the way you did has probably drawn the responses you received.

Bear in mind also, that you didn't make any reference to previous threads or any further backstory, and the rest then looks like drip-feed.

So, given what you wrote, its not really on to level the blame you have at those responding.

FWIW I dont blame you for wanting out when your wife broke her vows (but you didn't make that clear in your OP), and I certainly don't think you need to justify who you are in order to avoid having her cheating blamed on you. She cheated, her bad.

There was no backstory, and to be fair you sought advice on how to manage for two months. I did respond to that with the fact that you sound to have sufficient family home space to take separate bedrooms and living spaces. I would be seriously wondering if you were sharing a one-bed flat or studio, but you have options in your circumstances so long as you make it clear its over, no further discussion unless through lawyers.

Also, just tell her! If you flounce off in a huff like you have here blaming everyone for your communication, or lack of, and then ignore her, well frankly, as most said, thats just going to make things worse.

It doesn't take a psych to see/know that.

I hope you can steer this through as painless a path as possible and stick to your guns. If you have to, then write to her making everything clear without possibility of interruption from her.

Its an awful process and there are certainly better and worse ways to get through it. I hope you find the least painful.

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 22:41

Also, in future, it makes sense to post a thread when you are around and not blame others for wondering where you've gone Confused

You didn't say that you'd not be checking back for at least 12 hours, so you can hardly blame others for this too.

It all sounds terribly important irrelevant

I'm out

mcmen71 · 31/08/2019 22:48

How Do you know she was unfaithful.
Stay at work from early morning to late evening and eat out with friends.
Do your own laundry
Go to the gym or pool loads off stuff you can do to stay out of each others way.
Get a girlfriend ha ha to entertain you

bamboocat · 31/08/2019 22:52

Smother to be fair to the OP he did mention in an earlier post that he has a business. And quite a lot of people don't go on social media when they are working.

In any case, threads do run in fits and starts and get derailed; you can't expect every OP to put their life on hold and do nothing except monitor their thread.

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 23:05

OP has lost my sympathy Bamboo cba so no, not interested Grin

Thehagonthehill · 31/08/2019 23:11

I would suggest finding a lawyer and starting procedures if you want to end your marriage.
You say that she may talk you out of this move so you need to be able to tell her what you want,that you are moving out,have taken advice from a lawyer and are serious.
You listen to what she had to say,be prepared for a lot of hurt after a long marriage however rubbish the last few years.Accept that her version is the truth for her and do not rationalise it,just listen.
Then keep discussions to how you both move forward seperatly.
2 months is a long time but easier than not having a time line.It gives you time to pack,choose items that you agree you can have,sort how bills etc get paid until your divorce is through.
Also you need to discuss how you tell your children.Do not mention cheating.They probably know things are not well but do not need to know why.Adult children can take these things badly,so grit your teeth for that but do not justify.Make sure they know that all will be fair to their Mum financially and do not lie.
There is no easy way to do this.Remember this is the end of a long relationship that had lots of good years as well as bad but has run its course.Listen more than talk, don't ignore and be civil and it will sting less in the end.

Banangana · 31/08/2019 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Jack1964 · 01/09/2019 00:58

Thank you all very much for your input
I have a lot of good advice to ponder over

OP posts:
gilliansgardenbench · 01/09/2019 01:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/09/2019 01:46

As far as the two months, treat her as if you were guests in the same hotel. Be polite, minimize conversation. Avoid her as much as possible. Find things to do out of the house or put a telly in your room.

Do your own laundry, prepare your own meals and clean up after yourself the way you would if she was a roommate. Expect NO domestic services from her. Provide no domestic services for her. As of the moment you tell her, she is no longer truly your wife. Legally yes, but not in the sense of a true marriage.

As far as weakening, write down all the reasons you no longer want to be in the marriage. Write down the things she has done that make you unhappy enough to leave. Fold it up and carry it with you. In a pocket, in a sock, somewhere. If she starts in on 'saving the marriage', touch that piece of paper and remember what it says.

I don't know what led her to cheating. Maybe you're a shitty husband, maybe you're a gem. But you never solve problems within a marriage by going outside the marriage. And cheating is always wrong. If she was so unhappy in the marriage, she should have left you long ago, before she cheated.

Original poster
Jack1964 · 04/09/2019 03:35

So I finally told my wife of 30 yrs I will be leaving her in 2 months once the cottage becomes available.
First she was angry and then reasonable and begged me to go to counseling with her.
I told her I don’t have anything left to give this relationship, it’s over.
I now need to stay strong and not give in to her manipulative ways, any suggestions pls

OP posts:
Weezol · 04/09/2019 04:35

I'd go with the sound advice from AcrossthePond55.

Google 'Gray Rock Method' - it's a way to stop yourself getting drawn into conversations you don't want to have.

There's some good 'survival' tips in this piece:

www.huffpost.com/entry/separated-under-the-same_b_3375154

Jesaminecollins · 04/09/2019 05:27

@Jack1964

You only have one life so hopefully the rest of yours will be happy and you will find that special someone

Jessie x

gilliansgardenbench · 04/09/2019 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stressedout10 · 04/09/2019 12:02

@Jack1964
You've done the hardest part already, good for you.
As for how to stay strong, write a list of all the reasons why you are leaving her, everytime you feel like wavering reread your list (it helps). Try to talk with someone in real life who has your best interests in mind (whether it's a friend/family member or therapist) this will protect you mh. DO NOT engage with her in any conversation that isn't necessary ie only about bills ect (if you can talk about them sensibly with her) .
Get a lawyer ASAP. If you feel strong enough start the ball rolling on your divorce, as she cheated you have grounds so it can be started immediately. If you don't feel ready for that yet a legal separation is relatively easy to get and shows her that you are serious and won't be talked around. (This is when you will see her true colours)
Most important protect yourself from her and her abusive behaviour (that's harsh I know but she really does sound abusive) .

Remember that there are people on here who will support you and your doing what is best for you Flowers

ADUTT7 · 04/09/2019 12:03

Stick to your guns. I have been through similar and it was tough whilst in the same house but 2m soon passes. Don’t cave in to counselling. You know when it’s over

Wherearemymarbles · 04/09/2019 14:03

Manage her like you would your business!
And lets face it, it maybe not have been her 1st or even 2nd affair!

Treaclebee · 04/09/2019 14:42

I would suggest finding your own therapist asap, who can keep you centred in this and help you deal with any manipulation. Even if it's just for the next 2 months. I did this and it helped me from getting caught up in his tactics and made it easier to stick to my plan, and gave me somewhere to blow off steam!
Sorry to here your going through this Op.

Treaclebee · 04/09/2019 14:44

hear

Jabbercocky · 04/09/2019 14:52

@Jack1964
You sound checked out. You need to appear to be checked out to give your STBXW a clear and consistent message. Going to counselling is a waste of time in your mindset, it would be flogging a dead horse. Tell her so.

Ride out the next 2 months with all the calmness and dignity you can muster. Get a series of bullet points in your head of all the deal breakers that have brought you to this point and recite them like a mantra should your wife press you on turning around your decision. If you feel yourself being drawn into a rethink, back away and disengage. You owe her only civility and honesty at this stage, not kindness, forgiveness or love. The marriage is over - those days are gone.

When you finally get your own place, you will heave a sigh of relief, even though you will still have administrative dealing with her from time-to-time. This is a temporary uphill slog to get you to the top of the mountain. After that, the terrain tilts in your favour.