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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving my wife

181 replies

Jack1964 · 30/08/2019 01:57

I am just about to tell my wife I am leaving her but I know she will beg me to stay,
Anybody got advise on this.
I have given my tenant 2 months notice and I will move into the cottage then, unfortunately I will have to live in the same house as my wife for the next 2 months.
I feel I should at least give her 2 months to let it sink in.
I am leaving her for infidelity reasons and the fact we have had a Shiite last 8 yrs together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jack1964 · 31/08/2019 01:21

I’ve decided to wait until my Tenant is back from holiday to tell my wife I’m leaving her.
So far I haven’t really talked to her for 4 days and we have separate bedrooms anyway due to my apparent snoring and her Menopausal night sweats and erratic sleep pattern.
I’m keeping my distance from her.
So this is another thing I’ve been putting up with for the last 7 yrs, all the erratic menopausal mood swings,
So the Cottage I will move into also has a house on the same property rented out also.
We live in a very large private home which is valued at about 30% more than the other property.
I guess she can have her pick of which one she wants.
We have a considerable amount of cash, shares , dividends to go around so if split neither one of us will be needing.
My two children are grown up and are doing well with they fledgling careers .
I’m hoping for a equitable division of assets

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 01:49

due to my apparent snoring and her Menopausal night sweats and erratic sleep pattern.

If you snore, you snore. You have omly said its been shite for 8 years, and shes been menopausal with mood swings for 7 years, and had an affair.

Had you agreed to keep trying at your marriage after the affair? Or does she not know that you know.
Either way stop with the 'Im avoiding her', and not spoken for last 4 days.

Your both adults behave like it and tell her now.

Tell her straight, and stick to it. Neither of you is going to suffer any financial hardships as a result of the split.

Do this as amicably as you can manage, nasty exhanges or silences are not going to improve things for either of you.

Tell her, she surely won't be surprised and it sounds like the family home should easily be large enough for you to each have rooms for living and sleeping without having to bump into each other unnecessarily.

Both have your space and try to do this civilly. You are the couple that vowed undying love to each other at one point, tontry to treat each other fairly.

She has destroyed your marriage and trust by cheating, but you dont sound emotional or unhappy at the inevitable, so I'm not entirely sure what you are looking for here.

Follow up your words with action, i.e. i'll be writing/speaking with lawyer next week, to get the divorce underway and do it. They might be painful truths but at least its the truth.

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 01:52

As far as equitable division of assets, the starting point is 50/50 afaik

Banangana · 31/08/2019 02:31

Had you agreed to keep trying at your marriage after the affair? Or does she not know that you know.
Either way stop with the 'Im avoiding her', and not spoken for last 4 days.

Your both adults behave like it and tell her now.

I disagree. Get your ducks in a row and tell her whenever you feel like you're ready.

Scott72 · 31/08/2019 02:43

I think OP should see a lawyer before making any decision, especially with all the assets he has. Will moving out go against him in the divorce? What are the exact obligations with regards to the tenant? He needs some proper legal advice here.

1forAll74 · 31/08/2019 04:19

Nobody can really advise you how to go about living in the same house as your wife,when you tell her you are leaving. You have already stated.that she will go ballistic when she finds out, So, with this in mind,you will just have to wait and see what the outcome will be, and work around all the upset and the different,and difficult situations that might arise.

People on here,do not know what temperament you and your wife have,and break ups can cause all kinds of things to flare up,so you will have to try and deal with all the things that might be difficult.

Jesaminecollins · 31/08/2019 04:25

@Jack1964

So she is suffering from menopausal night sweats but still has been able to have an affair?

Can I ask what do you look like?

Jesaminecollins · 31/08/2019 04:25

I should also add what kind of mood swings?

greentheme23 · 31/08/2019 04:31

@Jesaminecollins why do you want to know what he looks like?

Scott72 · 31/08/2019 04:32

Jesamine your constantly trying to paint OP as the one at fault here isn't helpful.

Jesaminecollins · 31/08/2019 04:53

@Scott72

Are you Jack's brother?

Jesaminecollins · 31/08/2019 04:54

@greentheme23

I am trying to understand why his wife felt the need for an affair - perhaps he was a bad husband or didn't take care of himself - who knows that is why I am asking

Eeyoreshouse · 31/08/2019 05:01

I'm sorry but (speaking as a sweaty hormonal menopausal woman with erratic sleep patterns) I do not understand all the advice about "avoid speaking to her", "do not engage in conversation", etc etc.

How many threads have we seen on here from distressed women who had no idea their partner had decided to leave, found their dh's impossible to talk to, competely cold, withdrawn and unemotional, and so they ended up feeling hurt, bewildered and wracked with whys and what ifs which just prolonged the agony all round.

Now I accept that this instance is different because the wife has cheated - which is totally wrong - but we only have one side of the argument and imho, whatever the circumstances, no one benefits from one-side of the couple withdrawing and leaving without discussion.

Op - I'm sorry you have been cheated on. You must feel very hurt by that. But what you are really asking here is "how do I tell my wife that I am leaving and not get drawn in to long discussions and how do I avoid hurt on both of our parts " and the simple fact of the matter is you can't and you shouldn't try! This situation is desperately hurtful. Refusing to discuss it with her is ultimately going to lead to more hurt. You have been married for a long time. I agree with the pp who said, despite the cheating, you should try and engage with her with respect and tell her how you are feeling, and fully explain your reasons for leaving (trying if possible not to get angry) and listen to her responses and try and give them respect too and answer them as truthfully as you can. If you can, try and use these two weeks productively to give yourselves closure. Good luck Gin

Jesaminecollins · 31/08/2019 05:09

@Eeyoreshouse

Well said - I think there has to be a reason why sweating Jack's wife decided to have an affair - not that I am trying to blame him for the breakup or the affair

Jesaminecollins · 31/08/2019 05:10

I wish I was sweating instead of being freezing all the time - I just put the heating on for the first time since March

Eeyoreshouse · 31/08/2019 05:13

Sorry I wrote two weeks instead of months!

Jesamine having a haywire temperature dial is hellish isn't it?

Jesaminecollins · 31/08/2019 05:22

@Eeysoreshouse

I have an erratic temperature control because I have thyroid disease - I had no trouble with the menopause thank goodness but I now something wrong with my thyroid and a big fat neck! Isn't it lovely getting old?

Jesaminecollins · 31/08/2019 05:22

I now have something wrong

wonderwhat · 31/08/2019 05:24

How do you know she’s had an affair?

Also, you say you’ve been “putting up” with menopausal mood swings for 8 years. That sounds bitchy and unsupportive to be honest. Every woman goes through menopause you know. Have you been at all supportive in the last 8 years or have you been a pig to live with and unloving and she’s finally got to the point where she thought “F this”. Not excusing the cheating (if that’s true. You haven’t given any details) but if you’ve been unsupportive, selfish, unloving for 8 years then you have your answer as to why this happened. If you’re this determined then why are you posting on here? Why don’t you just go this weekend? You seem to be dragging this out for the sake of attention seeking and drama. Have you always been like this? I just think it’s weird that you don’t check into an Airbnb in your area. It doesn’t have to cost £12,000.

Jesaminecollins · 31/08/2019 05:31

@wonderwhat

Good point

I pity any man who asks about anything on this site because he will not get the help he thought he would get if he doesn't tell the truth.

Banangana · 31/08/2019 08:09

I pity any man who asks about anything on this site too, but for completely different reasons. Imagine the outrage if if a woman posted about leaving her cheating husband and people asked her what she looks like and trying to get to the bottom of what it is about her that made him cheat. Or telling her that she sounds bitchy and unsupportive for speaking about the cheating bastard in an unfavourable way. Maybe Jack has been understanding and hopeful that their shitty relationship would improve when the menopause symptoms went away but is now understandably very annoyed that he's put up with mood swings and an unhappy relationship for 8 years only for her to go and shag someone else.

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 08:56

Pp who said dont leave the family home RTFT.

I dont really see OP engaging.

Even in ghd the one response given, all he's done is say he's not going to talk to her, after all the advice to be honest about this and speak to her.

Is this all just about punishing her?!

Totally get you being angry with her for cheating, but be an adult an deal with it. The sooner the better. Theres nothing to be gained by just ignoring her is there, unless you are trying to punish her.

catwithnohat · 31/08/2019 09:06

So this is another thing I’ve been putting up with for the last 7 yrs, all the erratic menopausal mood swings

You lost any sympathy right here. You've been putting up with? Your empathy and consideration are overwhelming - not!

Banangana · 31/08/2019 09:31

You lost any sympathy right here. You've been putting up with? Your empathy and consideration are overwhelming - not!

And yet you seem to be lacking any empathy and consideration for the OP. How would you feel if your partner/spouse had a health condition with symptoms that made life difficult for you for 8 years only to find out they'd cheated? Wouldn't you feel a quite resentful? I know I'd be wishing I'd just left earlier and lived a happier life without them instead of putting up with it.

ilikethisusernamethemost · 31/08/2019 09:38

I remember your other post. I thought you said you had both decided to divorce and was going to give notice on your tenant. Surely this isn't going to come as a shock to your wife??