Leaving my wife

[Jack1964]

I am just about to tell my wife I am leaving her but I know she will beg me to stay,
Anybody got advise on this.
I have given my tenant 2 months notice and I will move into the cottage then, unfortunately I will have to live in the same house as my wife for the next 2 months.
I feel I should at least give her 2 months to let it sink in.
I am leaving her for infidelity reasons and the fact we have had a Shiite last 8 yrs together.

You've lived the most difficult bit of this relationship and you only have a few more weeks to endure it.
Just think about the peace of mind and future freedom to live the life you choose @Jack1964
You can snore to your heart's content in the privacy of your own home.
I snore and live alone!

There is no better feeling than being able to close your own front door and not have to walk eggshells anymore.
I was manipulated for a long time until the day the 'penny dropped' something just clicked in my brain and I knew that was the end of the marriage.
I have to say it has put me off ever having another relationship but I am happy with my decision.

It's great that you are in a good situation financially and that you have somewhere to live so that reduces the stress somewhat.
Good Luck OP and wishing all the best for a better future

Spend as little time in the same space as her for the next two months. As others have said, be it a new hobby or something, try and get yourself out of the house.

Write down why you are leaving her and reread it regularly if she tries to change your mind.

Good luck with the next couple of months before you can leave.

Counselling isn't always about repairing or continuing the relationship, it can also be a safe space to do the work of ending a relationship. There are many advantages to using this sort of service while you are both willing to do so - it can be a safe focussed space to listen to what is being said and for each of you to be supported to work with the new relationship. You need to be clear with the therapist that your goals are ending the relationship and finding appropriate ways to communicate about the arrangements for property and joint ties.

In terms of your wife this can also serve as a space where you can focus her need to communicate and can be a way of channelling any requests for you to change your decision and provides her with a supported space to help accept the end of the relationship. This does not have to be a lengthy piece of work although you should be aware that divorce involves significant amounts of sorting out. If you can manage to find a way of talking about that reasonably you will save yourself a lot of money so early therapeutic support can only be a worthwhile investment.

If I was you I would eat out all the time and just sleep there - use a laundry for your washing and try to avoid any bathroom mishaps

Good luck!

So I find out today that my wife met with our tenant in the cottage and told her she could stay on there as we had changed our minds about needing it for a family member.
Now I’m trapped in the house and my wife is crying and asking me to give it another try as she loves me and wants to grow old together and her cheating on me was her 1 and only indiscretion .
I feel trapped and will never be able to move out now,
What the F can I do

You tell your tenant immediately that your notice stands. Tell her that you are going to live there and that your wife canceled the notice under false pretenses.

Are you actually going to allow this woman to manipulate and control you?

You need to move out now - check into a cheap hotel or stop with a friend (do you have any?) you have never mentioned any friends on this thread. Instead of chatting to anonymous ppl on here talk it over with a close friend.

Reinstate the notice with your tennant.
Tell her that your wife is being unreasonable and not to listen to her.
Get online now and look into Air BnB properties in your area.
Get away and stay with family and friends.
Just get away.
You are being 'hoovered' back in already.
Don't allow it.
Stand firm.

You treat your wife like you would like to be treated if the situation were reverse.

Try and be kind. Be the bigger person. It sounds painful for you both.

I'd reinstate the notice and tell the tenant what's happening. No need for drama or too much detail. Apologise for the confusion, tell them you're separating so you'll need the cottage for yourself, your wife isn't taking the separation well but it will be happening so they should ignore her if she tries to cancel the notice again.

Find a solicitor and start the ball rolling with divorce proceedings.

Go back to the tenant and explain the situation.
You will be moving in in 2 months whether she leaves of not as you are separating from your wife. I hope you have your money tied somewhere safe where your DW cannot move it all into an acount of her own.
Once she accepts that the split is inevitable she will possibly get nasty and take what she can (possibly through fear of being poor if she doesn't own the business too).
You must speak to a solicitor, mortgage dealer and get things sorted in your head. Tell DW that you want to remain friends etc
How will the finances be shared. If the DW finds out she is going to be comfortably off in her nice house her attitude might change and she want you out sooner. Initially it is a shock to her.
If you don't sort the finances repercussions could run for decades get proper legal advice.

What the F you can do? Grow up. Stop this stupid idea of staying under her roof for your own convenience. Move out as grown up men who can barely afford it do, while the cottage vacates.

And yes, send a written document specyifying that the tenancy is ending on x day as you previously agreed as you will be moving into that cottage.

Don’t pussyfoot much about the above, tenants have rights and if takes forever and a lot of money to kick out one who is not listening to you anymore. So keep things clear for the sake of everyone.

@TanMateix Another nasty poster...? She is the one who had an unfair and is horrible and manipulative.

And why would it be “her” roof? They are married so it is both their properly where they both live. If anything she should be the one to fuck off and be inconvenienced since she’s the one who cheated.

Sorry some posters are being so sexist towards you OP.

Correction: under the same roof.

Yes, she had an affair and may even be a paid assassin but when it comes to financial settlements and who keeps what, these behaviours don’t matter even for a judge.

The big mistake of this OP is trying to have his cake and eat it, like informing the tenants they should leave without consulting the other owner (the wife) that he is giving notice, and expecting he could keep silent about his leaving.

Yes, everybody has the right to stay under the same roof after a split until it is decided who gets the right to live in the house, he cannot kick her out, he cannot legally change the locks, in the same way she cannot kick him out or change the locks.

If you decide to take that route you should be prepared to deal with all the mess and drama that comes with it.

I was going to give you loads of tips from my previous relationship on how to avoid her but I have now read your update.
Move into a van, a caravan, your workspace or onto a friends sofa until the let comes available. Move in with the tenant an waive the last two months rent even! Get away. You should never have told her until your exit way is clear but it is done now. Serve clear paperwork on the tenant and move out today.

What you do is get lawyered up!
Is the let cottage in join names? If so maybe you need advise on whether you require both your signatures to serve notice etc.

I am sure you can find a cheaper air bnb than £12k for 2 months.
And even if you do spend 12k, its in fact only 6k as you can take it out of your joint assets!

Unless your tenant is a good mate in your / your and your wife's (?) cottage rent free, you need to be less informal and more organised about bringing it to an end.

Your wife sounds like my husband’s ex (including the cheating, manipulation and vile behaviour).

1. Book into an air b&b for the next few months. Make sure you take your favourite possessions with you or put them into storage (she sounds the type to cut up your suits etc)

1. You need to tell your tenant that the notice stands and send a section 21 notice, if you haven’t already done it.

1. Get an appointment with a divorce lawyer for next week to start divorce proceedings.

1. Read ‘feel the fear but do it anyway’ and ‘a wolf in sheep’s clothing’.

1. Look for a counsellor to help you deal with your situation.

1. Only discuss your future as separated parents and immediate practical arrangements.

You proceed calmly, that's what you do. You notify your tenant (in writing) that the notice to quit stands. You request that if your wife contacts her again re moving out that she (tenant) is to contact you immediately. You need explain no more than that.

You refer to 'my' tenant, so I presume that the cottage is a pre-marital asset in your sole name and under your sole control. However, if it is in joint names or could be considered a marital asset then I'd assume she has just as much right to cancel the notice as you have to issue it.

I suggest you get yourself to a solicitor asap, often these things aren't as clear-cut as they seem to be. You should anyway since you are planning to divorce, but you want to be sure you are in completely legal territory wrt the cottage. If it turns out that it is a joint asset, you may need to start divorce/separation proceedings in order to bar your wife from cancelling your notice.

As far as being 'trapped forever', you are not 'trapped', not unless you want to be. A SAHM with young children, no income, and no support nearby is 'trapped'. You have income and you have a business, so stop panicking! I daresay there are myriad ways to keep out of her way if you really want to. Don't get drawn into the 'drama'.

I'm sorry to be harsh but get your balls out of the kitchen drawer and start acting like an adult instead of a frightened little child. And yes, I'd say the exact same to a woman in your situation. Except I'd be telling her to get her ovaries out of the drawer! And lest you think I'm talking out my arse, I've been where you are (except ex was abusive, not a cheat) and I can tell you that you need to stand tall and be determined.

BTW, do your DC know what's happened?

Good luck 🍷

You need to tell you tenant the truth and that it's for you and your wife has interfered. You are not trapped. You need to be forceful and match on. If anything her behaviour would reinforce the fact i wanted to leave.

Tell the cheating piece of shit to fuck off and take her bucket fanny with her is one option.