Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving my wife

181 replies

Jack1964 · 30/08/2019 01:57

I am just about to tell my wife I am leaving her but I know she will beg me to stay,
Anybody got advise on this.
I have given my tenant 2 months notice and I will move into the cottage then, unfortunately I will have to live in the same house as my wife for the next 2 months.
I feel I should at least give her 2 months to let it sink in.
I am leaving her for infidelity reasons and the fact we have had a Shiite last 8 yrs together.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 09:40

Actually, I think I'd be very worried about my DH if he started having mood swings, personally.

I would also hope that as its something that can be, to a degree, anticipated, and certainly receive help with, that we could work out where responsibility lay for any outbursts and demonstrate some tolerance and understanding, especially knowing its a hormonal fluctuation causing the problem and will resolve, and can be helped.

It does depend on how extreme and volatile, and what efforts have been made if any to ameliorate it.

OP is not saying, and is refusing to talk to his wife, but with no reason?

Jesaminecollins · 31/08/2019 09:42

I think it can mean some kind of medical condition if your husband starts sweating and has mood swings - low testosterone perhaps?

Starlight456 · 31/08/2019 09:48

Tbh . It sounds like it will be no suprise.

Just be factual.

I would also be aware of the grown up children . Sometimes parents divorcing can hit them hard.

Cmagic7 · 31/08/2019 09:49

Well, even though this will be difficult for both of you, it may help to concentrate on the fact that you're trying to improve the situation in the long term. It sounds like neither one of you was happy in your marriage (which she could hardly deny), and the best thing that could come out of this is that eventually you could get your friendship back. Even though she may not see this now, you might be doing her a favour too. Sorry it's come to this and I hope you will both be happier in your new lives.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 31/08/2019 09:50

Tell her. If it upsets her well tough shit.
Tell her you care about as much as she cared about you when she was shagging the other man.

Can't wait to see the next thread where some woman's been cheated on and all the posts asks why she's let herself go.

Banangana · 31/08/2019 09:57

Actually, I think I'd be very worried about my DH if he started having mood swings, personally.

I would also hope that as its something that can be, to a degree, anticipated, and certainly receive help with, that we could work out where responsibility lay for any outbursts and demonstrate some tolerance and understanding, especially knowing its a hormonal fluctuation causing the problem and will resolve, and can be helped.

The mood swings have been occurring for 8 years and they're only now divorcing because of her infidelity so it sounds like they were managing it. It's completely understandable that now she's cheated, he resents having put up with it for so long because she clearly wasn't worth the wait, effort or consideration. That's how I would be feeling anyway.

Stressedout10 · 31/08/2019 10:05

Hi @Jack1964
I remember your last thread about this, your stxw really doesn't deserve your sympathy and concern,but you are good and kind person.
Living with her for another 2 months will be hard. The best way to deal with this is to treat it like a plaster and rip it off. Be firm and factual do not be drawn into any further discussion about making things work. Only discuss how you want things to move forward with the divorce/separation, and most importantly tell your adult DS the truth you might be pleasantly surprised by the support they will give you. Oh and ditch the couples therapist and get a real therapist who will help you to recover from the betrayal you've been through.
I know that this is easyer said than done but be strong you deserve so much more and when you're ready you will find someone who truly loves you and treats you the way you should be Flowers

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 10:13

Banangana

I thought it was clear OPs attitude toward the menopause, that I and others have commented on, so that was in response, as it didnt sound [in OP's words] the way you say it. It didn't sound atall like anything was managed or worked through together. It came across like he'd already had enough of her mood swings and then she cheated.

But OP is not engaging with his own thread effectively in terms of supplying infortand has decided, against all advice so far, that he will ignore her, as he has been for 4 days.

How childish, punishing, and unlikely is that to sort anything out?

She has done and he's every right to call time as a result, but he's not, is he.

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 10:14

*wrong. done wrong

How does it miss whole words out!?

Banangana · 31/08/2019 10:34

I thought it was clear OPs attitude toward the menopause, that I and others have commented on, so that was in response, as it didnt sound [in OP's words] the way you say it. It didn't sound atall like anything was managed or worked through together. It came across like he'd already had enough of her mood swings and then she cheated.

Nothing he's written suggests that this is the case. You and a few other posters chose to interpret it this way because of your own sexist agenda. A quick advance search will show you the OP's previous post on this and give some insight into why he's utterly fed up with her. Though even if this was his only thread, he's posting on an anonymous forum looking for support and is just as entitled as any woman who posts here to vent about his cheating spouse. On many threads where a cheating husband has had a mental illness, posters are tripping over each other to tell the OP that 'he's not depressed, he's a selfish bastard'.

But OP is not engaging with his own thread effectively in terms of supplying infortand has decided, against all advice so far, that he will ignore her, as he has been for 4 days.

How childish, punishing, and unlikely is that to sort anything out?

She has done and he's every right to call time as a result, but he's not, is he

He's moving out of their home as soon as an alternative place is available and he's after a fair split of their assets so it really does not sound like he's trying to punish her. What's more likely is that he's fed up, hurt and disgusted with her behaviour and understandably doesn't want to interact with her. He's said he does plan on telling her and will tell her when their tenant comes back from her holiday. No idea why that is but he can handle this and tell her whenever he feels ready. We all deal with things in different ways and it's ridiculous to expect him to rush himself and work on a timeline that best suits her and protects her feelings.

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 10:40

Well, regardless, he is not helping anything by ignoring her, its punishing.

I am not being sexist, thats gross. I have said clearly hes every right to call time. What he can't do is the childish/punishing ignoring and expect to get sympathy.

He's an adult. He asked what to do, everyone said tell her pretty much, but his update is, ignoring her for days on end. What a vile atmosphere that creates, and yes, it comes across as nasty.

If a woman was doing the same it would be nasty, knowing whats already in mind to say, why wait, he gives no reason whatsoever.

But then OP hasn't been engaging with his thread either.

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 10:42

I am using his words, you are not, yet you accuse me of sexism and putting some other spin? Confused

He said, hes ignoring her. Thats punishment.

Banangana · 31/08/2019 10:55

The relationship is over and they're getting a divorce. If he feels like he can't or would rather just not interact with her for the next couple of days before he tells her he's made a decision I don't think that's particularly terrible. Again, it's your (sexist) choice to interpret this as him punishing her but I bet if he didn't have a penis you'd be able to empathise more and realise that this is a very difficult situation to be in and he's probably feeling incredibly hurt and devastated at her actions and this is his way of coping instead of being quick to jump to calling him childish and undeserving of sympathy.

Stressedout10 · 31/08/2019 11:06

@Smotheroffive
In his previous thread OP spoke about his feelings around his stbxw and how everytime they speak it turns into an argument and that he previously told her he wants a divorce and how she begged him not to throw away their marriage over 1 little (4 month affair) mistake. Plus her gaslighting him and all the vile things that she said and did.
As such ignoring her is not nasty but just doing what's best for him ie going grey rock please read OPs previous thread as it will help you to understand the situation properly and then give constructive advice

InDubiousBattle · 31/08/2019 11:26

Just be straight forward and tell her. It sounds like it's been a long time coming and after the affair it can't possibly be news to her that you want to end the marriage. I would see a lawyer first, then explain what is going to happen wrt the tenant and you moving out. As for day to day living, it sounds like you live very separate lives already.

TanMateix · 31/08/2019 11:39

Honestly, staying at home for 2 months after you tell her you are living is going to cost you far more ££££££££ in the long run.

A good separation of assets agreement that is quickly sorted depends on the good will and ability to diplomatically negotiate the division between the parties. If you ruin that good will with all the drama of having to share a house with the ex, this will become a bun fight and it will cost you FAR more than £12,000 in solicitor fees to untangle the mess.

I would keep quiet about giving notice to the tenant until she asks you. And move straight away after you tell her you want to leave. Honestly, it is much cheaper both in terms of financial and emotional costs if you just leave after dropping the bomb. I assume you really don’t care about the “emotional” side but remember that creating such setting can and will force your children to take sides, which is incredibly selfish of you.

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 11:41

Ive gone on whats been said here.

Please dont keep accusing me of being sexist and attributing things that really aren't there.

If these things are so pertinent, they really need to be in the OP, as otherwise its misleading.

OP also made no mention of previous threads, thats his choice. I am certainly not going to be delving into his history, its hardly the way to go is it

Banangana · 31/08/2019 11:54

The OP has not once said that he's ignoring her in order to punish her but you've decided that that must be the case based on the little that he has said. You haven't explicitly said that the reason you're being insensitive and unsympathetic towards the OP is because he's a man but I've similarly arrived at my own conclusion. We're going around in circles though so let's agree to disagree.

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 16:11

How ironic that you have arrived at such sexist conclusions, ha!

He hasnt said his intent. He doesnt need to. Ignoring people is ...well....

Anyway. Not to derail the thread, which this is, and my conversation was with him.

2020ismyyear · 31/08/2019 16:14

Banangana good to see someone talking sense. Completely agree that if it was a woman who posted the advice would be totally different!

OP I had to live with my husband for a week after he told me of his affair and that he was leaving, so that the kids could get to the end of the school year “normally”. It was truly hideous and, like you, I honestly couldn’t bring myself to speak to him and was essentially ‘ignoring’ him. I hid in the bedroom or another room.

For your well-being I would try to find somewhere to stay for at least part of it. If it’s not an option, or in addition to, maybe book some weekends/days away if funds allow. Arrange to stay with your children or at friends fir some days. You will need some respite. I’m sorry you are going through this and getting so much shit on this thread.

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 16:20

Please dont put your interpretation on me. This is all and adide from OP because hes not saying.

I have literally just been posting in defence of a man, imagining how I would be wanting to help my DH if he was in such a position and being anxious about him, so cobblers frankly with your sexism rubbish.

OP is not engaging though, so is this thread about him, or others?

Wherearemymarbles · 31/08/2019 17:19

Why would the op engage when most if this thread has been asking why his wife had an affair and then squabbling amongst yourselves?

My advise op is to re post on here in a few days, change your user name and story a bit an pretend to be a woman.

Otherwise tell her now and and stay put or she can move out and maybe stay with one of the children. Worse case, you take a wing each.

Smotheroffive · 31/08/2019 18:38

most

many have agreed he should tell her! OP will be reading even if not engaging.

She doesn't have to stay with one of the dc, they have 3 homes to choose from and hes already made his plan to move out. Confused

Or she could move to the smaller property as he's the offended party, as that doesnt seem unreasonable.

In which way is it sexist to say that she's destroyed the marriage vows exactly? Sexist against her ? Or him?

Banangana · 31/08/2019 19:37

Please dont put your interpretation on me

But that's exactly what you're doing to the OP...

Jack1964 · 31/08/2019 20:15

I havnt responded in the last 12 hrs or so because I have a business to run.
What this forum has taught me is that men are from Mars and women are from Venus,
In other word the women are very sympathetic towards their gender as they can put themselves in the same place,
Likewise the Men can too.
I endured , supported , rationalized her menopausal symptoms for the last 8 yrs so feel I did my bit there.
Re have I let myself go , and this caused her to look elsewhere.
Well if having a athletic body 12% BF and a overall good sense of humor and being referred to as a lovely person is letting yourself go then I hold my hands up.
And no I’m not some Gym freak who thinks only of his body.
I eat very well and take care of myself in all areas .
I was asking all about staying in the same house whilst letting my wife know I would be leaving shortly.
If you remember I was looking for advise on how not to let my wife change my mind as she is very manipulative and can easily show me I’m doing the wrong thing, she could probably look at all your posts and debunk them all, she is a very intelligent mature woman who usually gets what she wants one way or another.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread