Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

@LonelyButterfly yes I think it's just to stroke egos and seek attention. Men are more able to do casual without getting emotionally attached too. Maybe some think they do want a relationship but don't realise they aren't available for one.

@LonelyButterfly ego. Lack of self awareness. Sex. Mr S said he didn't realise he wasn't ready for a serious relationship when he put himself on tinder. And that he didn't expect to find what we had. And then not to be able to deal with it. I'm not sure they are all doing it deliberately. Just as i don't realise I pick, or choose to stay with, Unavailable men.

Baggage Reclaim was a life saver when I broke up with my sons father. In hindsight he was never available for a relationship, he's too consumed with himself to ever be able to give anyone what they want or deserve. Maybe I should read it again, I have it on my kindle.

Was supposed to be going for a lunchtime coffee and stroll with a iron I only started speaking to yesterday when I downloaded (and subsequently deleted) POF. We spent all last night chatting away and have so much commonalities. He's not my usual type at all but perhaps that's a good thing. Anyway have had to cancel as my mum who usually is my son on a Tuesday has had to go up the hospital for my Nan. Have rescheduled for tomorrow night.

@supercali77 oh that makes sense. Exactly describes my Dr B - wants to fall in love, get married and have children but pushes people away with defensive aggressive responses or disappearing as soon as people try to get past superficial "how's the weather"....

Rick to be fair it's order of preference as well, so meeting MissFashion next Tues.
I'm busy all week and had something pencilled in for Sat anyway, so sticking with my original plans a week today was the soonest I was available.
I've occasionally changed my plans in the past to date, I'm not doing it anymore. I have a life if irons don't want to wait until I'm free next then it's their loss.
Thankfully this doesn't apply to MissFashion as she's a busy woman as well so Tues works for her.
TooOld sounds like your date went well

@LonelyButterfly in my experience a lot of guys are on there for an ego massage and because they don't want to be lonely but don't want to commitment of a relationship. They want to date but have multiple availability to see and chat to other people. I've found the older ones to be worse for not stating or admitting their intentions whereas the younger ones are far more upfront with it.

@LonelyButterfly It's important, once you figure out someone's self sabotaging, to not go into 'fixer upper' mode though! ya know? Don't bother....if they realise it they can go to therapy

Absolutely spot on supercali! I've tried to think of the answer but you've got it.

@notreallyacatfish @Notcoolmum @NigesFakeWalkingStick
that makes a lot of sense. My ex had said he wasnt looking for a relationship but then met me - of course didnt work out as he wasn't ready.
And Dr B (hot and cold since January) said he's lonely and doesn't have friends where he lives and maybe that's why he sticks around as I'm "nice enough".

@supercali77 i suggested therapy to Dr B and he said he knows (i doubt he'll find the courage to do it)

@Notcoolmum so sorry to hear, that's very disheartening, you definitely deserved much better and they didn't see how much you gave to them. I admire your strength standing up for yourself and removing yourself from toxic situations.

I agree with @Notcoolmum that they won't all be doing it deliberately. Which is why I will feel mean if(when) I finally cut all contact with MrFaceTime because he's not a bad person.

I think to him, our situation is just what it is... he genuinely enjoys chatting to me as and when he can, but can't commit more. I don't think he's even lying when he says something could develop in the future. He might genuinely believe it's a possibility once he's ready. (So subconsciously keeping me on back burner just incase?).

But it's on me now what I do with that information. He's not available now. Sitting, waiting, hoping he will be in the future makes me the fallback girl. And I think for the first time in my life I realise this is nothing to do with me not being good enough!!

@LonelyButterfly Dr B definitely sounds emotionally unavailable.

Amazing self awareness @notreallyacatfish

Knowing it's not us is huge!!!!!

@notreallyacatfish Bingo, it's nothing to do with you. It's an incredible release to realise this. Now, personally I would say - you, me, all of us who've been fallback girls, we maybe have co dependancy issues. And at some point self preservation has to kick in. Boundaries. Understanding anothers problems does not = being mean if you protect yourself first. That is paramount. They don't have to be a bad person to be bad for you

"She was a woman out for all she could give"

@LonelyButterfly thanks. I fell hard this time round. He treated me really well and made me feel cared for and respected. But I missed the other messages he was sending as I was doing the confirmation bias thing.

Dr B sounds emotionally unavailable. Is there a reason you've kept things going for 8 months when he's said you are 'nice enough'?! And it's not your job to fix him. He needs to fix himself.

@shitwithsugaron yes I've seen him a few times since January, first he was very keen and said i could be important but then fell into a circle of disappearing and reappearing. He's as emotionally unavailable as you can be. My job now is trying not to "save" him but rather myself from more pain.

@notreallyacatfish really great insight, i thought there's something wrong about me too until Dr B actually said it has nothing to do with me.

I love the Baggage Reclaim podcasts. I don't want to denigrate the content in any way because it's ace and so, so perceptive, but Natalie's voice is so smooth and chilled I nod off occasionally

@Notcoolmum @shitwithsugaron
You are all so right.
i kept going because I'm couldn't fight my codependence yet 🙈
He said i could be important in January and has a sob story why he can't open up. he asked me to be a friend (romantic things happened too but not much). He didn't say "you're nice enough", this was my interpretation why he is sticking around as he could have just gotten the attention from another girl who hasn't got feelings (as i did say it's hurting me and he needs therapy). i tried to stop contact twice but got weak. I think it's called trauma bonding. But i know i need to call it a day now, he doesn't even let me be a friend (only on his terms) and he knows that too ...
it's good to be reminded that there's nothing wrong with us, it's not our job to fix people, and we're a prize too!

@LonelyButterfly He sounds f**ing awful. Sorry. You tell someone it's causing you pain and they're not going to move it forward - a decent human lets you go. Seriously. He is bad news

@HairyArsedMan there are Baggage Reclaim podcasts?! I am feeling crappy today thanks to Mr Bs tricks yesterday. I’m totally doubting my decision to tell him it’s over even though I KNOW he lied and very probably was with another woman. I need to get me some boundaries back.

He said i could be important in January

@LonelyButterfly are these his actual words? What's so special about January? He's also telling you that you're not important now!
What a dick.

I'm definitely having a revelation day but by no means am I 100% fixed, however I'm also trying to tell myself that we will never be able to meet Mr Available whilst we are so hung up on Mr Unavailable.

Agree with @supercali77 // I so often do. I'd advise you to delete and block him @LonelyButterfly he is not bringing anything positive into your life. Set him free and set yourself free from this cycle.