Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

He plays guitar as well, and is v artistic. 🥰

This is probably a weird thing to say but no one would look at him and say he's good looking. Also, he's packing a few extra pounds in an ex body builder way. He looks like a guy that could take care of himself, no one would pick an argument with him. But for me it's the eyes and mouth that does it. Very intense eyes and sensual lips. Give me a slap someone!

No way @TooOldForThis67 you enjoy yourself 😀

Nope no slaps here Tooold!

I think if they do it for you they do, if they have an intense pair of eyes/nice lips/good hair, or just some mannerism or gesture that makes your go all wobbly inside then it’s all good!

Boys on the thread - is it the same, just “something” about a girl, or is it more visual?

Oh god.

I’m going to end up being terrible with MrEP. The more I tell myself I’m absolutely not, I have will power, the more my brain is reminding me how he held my hips as we kissed, merrily choosing lingerie and putting the good sheets on.

Bastard brain.

Rick and Notwhy - thing is, I've dated him before. It failed as it was always him coming here. Now i have a car, I can drive to his and escape these 4 walls. I just hope my Mum isn't disappointed.

Eek, that sounds crap. I love my Mum but she is so judgemental. I'll have to do the u introductions soon.

@WhatWhyWhen it's way more than visual. Admittedly it's the first step and a big part overall. But I can melt when there's a certain look I see. Usually an unfiltered smile, or eyes soften, or sometimes a mannerism, like a certain playfulness or vulnerability. In that moment I feel a pure connection and that's when attraction goes through the roof for me. Sometimes I can initially not even be thinking that I'm attracted to someone, and then it hits me 😀

@TooOldForThis67 go for it. Different time, different head space, and despite being smitten, it sounds like your head is screwed on properly

@RickDeckard that's really helpful to know, thank you! Also good approach not assuming the other person will wait around single forever. You're right, the guys who were really interested pinned me down either right on the actual date already or within 24/48 hours. Those who became a penpal made me starve on arms length. What I don't understand is why someone would be very keen but then change his mind. But then this is similar to Dr B who says he can't open up and wants me to be his friend for months but doesn't let me. I suppose actions speak louder than words.

@LonelyButterfly absolutely. They are telling you who they are with their actions so do listen to them. I read He's Just Not Into You about 10 years ago. It's a bit simplistic in its approach but the message really stuck with me. If a man wants to see me he will make it happen. If he is interested in me he will show me by the way he communicates with me and treats me. If he starts to make excuses for why he can't see me, why he can't commit to me etc then he isn't that into me. And always, ALWAYS I have known that in my gut. But I haven't wanted to face it and I have made allowances and excuses and what ifs. But it's always been right.

@Notcoolmum Very true! My gut always knows but my heart is searching for clues to prove me wrong 😂 confirmation bias. Need to learn to be stronger so I'm open to receive what I deserve, none of these guys make me feel good!
Thank you!

@LonelyButterfly I wasted 5 years trying to see something that just wasn't there. And recently I was in what I thought was a great relationship. The actions were mostly there, but his words were off. The timing wasn't right. He couldn't commit to anything serious. I thought I should listen to his actions and the words would follow but of course he was telling me who he was. And I had to listen. It hurt but at least I didn't waste 5 years this time!

@LonelyButterfly someone a few days ago recommended the book 'mr unavailable and the fallback girl'. I downloaded the kindle sample last night and my word it's a revelation. Even explains why they can be full on at the start then distance themselves quickly. I'm going to read the whole book. I'm wondering if the men you meet are similar, you might recognise some of them in the book!

@Notcoolmum I'm so sorry to hear that, sounds very painful about both. I understand you wanted to try, good that you could escape this time earlier. After 8 months with Dr B, looks like I need to block him and the crumbs and sob story he's throwing at me, he becomes persistent when I simply ignore...

@notreallyacatfish I'm going to order it now! I know the website BaggageReclaim from the author which is really good.

Thanks @LonelyButterfly it was very hard this time round. I could have sat on my feelings and not pushed things. But I knew I deserved more and so I forced his hand. I miss the idea of us everyday but I'm learning it was just an idea. Mr Unavailable really helped me too.

It sounds like blocking Dr B is the way to go if he won't leave you alone but is only giving out crumbs. That's how it was with my 5 year man. Every time I ended things he would come back and I'd be weak and start things again. Nothing ever changed between us and he has no respect for me. He's now married with a family. So he could do it. Just not with me!

Mr unavailable book is an eye opener. Made it much easier for me to walk away from a situation that caused me pain

I’ve just started listening the audible book, an hour in and wow. That’s my pattern of relationships post “bad” incident last year. I e been a temporary unavailable. Eye opening indeed!

He just not into you is another great book....I read mine .Happy to post to somebody if they want it .. . I have stepped back had a few more texts including comments re my jump suit not offering easy access lol.. I am out of country till tonight so if no new date request from him before weekend I will block...

Mr unavailable and the fallback girl is one of the most eye opening books I've ever read. So pleased to see you all reading it.

Why are these unavailable boys (and girls) on dating apps stating they're seeking a relationship? For attention?

The thread will be quiet today as we are all sat reading mr unavailable on our kindle apps

It's very eye opening like you say. I thought after the chat with Mr FaceTime, who was honest about not being ready for any relationship and it came as no surprise, that being friends is fine. We're not involved enough yet that it's too big an issue for me to chat as friends. But having read relevant chapters, I can just see this is the start of me being the fallback girl. I probably stroke his ego because there is some chemistry. And whilst I was happy being friends (because I'm in no rush and learned I'm emotionally unavailable too) I also know that the dreamer in me thinks that maybe when he is ready for a relationship, he will pick me!! And this is classic fallback territory.

Ugh. I'm thankful he came back in to my life as I'm learning sooo much about myself.
I never would have said I was emotionally unavailable. There is nothing I want more than to be in a mutually loving relationship. But I can see that my fearful avoidant attachment type is what makes me unavailable and become the fallback girl.

Bloody eye opening for sure!!!

@LonelyButterfly because they aren't self aware enough to realise they keep on sabotaging their own need for intimacy. They are looking for it, a lot of them, they just can't actually 'do it'