Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

shitwith I don't think it's a case of you being more invested, I think he's just going through a difficult time and his own issues mean this affects how he communicates. Like I said before, let things calm down then have a word, he was receptive last time and it's not a constant problem. I think it's easy when you're not seeing each other to assume the problem is bigger than you think and let your mind get carried away.
Lovemusic glad to hear you had a good night with merry MrSkinny, stop worrying 😉
Ginmel good luck with your new unexpected iron.
MissTiny asked me out on a date today, next week when she's back from her hols 😁

Shit protect yourself from how he is with the ex or how he is being with you?

You could try “I have been thinking today. It’s so heartbreaking with DC in hospital and no clear path forward and I would do anything I could to make him/her well again. I think about how awful this is for you and ex wife a lot.

I just want you to know that I think, from a sincere and caring place, the only thing I can do is give you the space and time to focus on DC. You don’t need any additional pressure right now from the needs of a new relationship. I am here for you whenever you need me, practically or emotionally, but have no expectations of contact until things are more settled love Shit*

JeSuis it does count if said when DTD. So squeeeeee!! Happy for you.

shit I think saying what Notcool said would be good. It's completely human to feel like you do, and I would feel the same about the thoughtful messages to his ex.

Ginmel we've all done the over investing thing - it is so disappointing. Good luck with the new iron.

Love glad you had a good time.

Rick excellent

Peanutz sorry to see you leave the thread - pop back every so often to update us.

I've seen Mr BC for 22 hours straight and I miss him so much now he's gone. He helped me turn my stupidly heavy but gorgeously comfortable mattress before he left so I changed my bed. Now I don't have a pillow that smells of him to hug tonight

Ant woohoo for MsTiny!

Gin yep no overinvestment but glad there is a new distracting iron!

As for MrEasyPipe, he is ridiculously busy with responsibilities, so can’t text. He did call to explain he wouldn’t be able to today which is thoughtful?

Think this may be a good thing because I can’t do the whole intense messaging/waiting/seeing each other build and boom thing. And as he’s busy it’s ok that I am. So long as we do make some time I guess! It’s an odd feeling not texting constantly, but sort of liberating in the end I hope?!

Okay I understand what you are saying.

Dear Mr B
I am more than a bit tired of you treating the lovely (insert your name here) badly when you are stressed. Many of us have challenging MH conditions and face stressful times and it's just not acceptable to treat someone badly when you stressed and apologise but then do it again. She cares for you so much. Surely if you are properly sorry then you show it through improved behaviour, or at attempting it and you don't seem to be doing that.

Of course we appreciate your dc being in hospital is a hugely stressful experience but the lovely (your name again) deserves to be treated better. With this in mind she's stepping back until you can discuss your comms during stressful times with her and agree a way to flag whne your comms take a turn for the worse, fully appreciating you may not always be aware of it. My suggestion is a yellow/ red card system with agreed next steps like apologising and repeating what you want to say nicer.

Trust you will agree with me because I know I'm right.

Love

Ginmel

There you go @shitwithsugaron. 😉

And thanks everyone for the consolations.

Consolations genuinely help.

Most welcome 👍

@shitwithsugaron I can completely understand you feeling fed up with the lack of/change in communication. I think stepping back is the right thing to do and maybe talking about it when his dc is out of hospital.

I don't have much to add really other than I am a little bit smitten with MrAd. We have a shared playlist on spotify and his music taste alone makes my knees weak! We've been talking for 2 weeks, one date and over 5,000 messages. I know what he is thinking and how he feels because the plus side of being a recovering alcoholic with AA is that you have to be honest. Every cloud and all that 😂

He really is lovely and why I put up with MrSAS and his adversity to commitment (or monogamy) I have no idea.

Yay @Sunshineandflipflops ❤️❤️

@shitwithsugaron it's not about pressure from you! It's about him treating you with respect. You are hardly a burden.

@shitwithsugaron can I be honest and maybe a bit brutal here? I think you are putting too much emphasis on how he is behaving right now and assuming that's how he feels for you. He has MH issues and is going through a difficult time. He is still in contact with you. You know there is nothing with his ex. She's pregnant with another man's baby.

His focus is elsewhere. And yes he could be being better but this is his issue to deal with. You may decide you can't handle his response to stress and want out and that is your choice. But I don't think you can read into his being preoccupied that he doesn't care.

I'm normally the first to call out dickish behaviour and making sure we treat ourselves with respect. I do think this situation is different. I think stepping back is the best thing for you.

I hope you don't mind me saying this.

@shitwithsugaron so he asked you why you were being distant, you told him and then he's said he's tired and he doesn't want to have the conversation now?

I think that's quite unfair of him.

I wouldn't necessarily take my advice as I'm terrible at stuff like this, but maybe say something like

I understand things are difficult for you at the moment but I don't deserve to be spoken to the way you have done to me lately. I am going to step back and give you the space you need to care for your son. We can then talk when you feel ready to do so.

@shitwithsugaron Tuesday. We've also tentatively arranged date no 3 😊

@shitwithsugaron you have to look after you. As hard as that is. X

Love it @Ginmel I wish you were my real life friend, I would send you over to my ex.

Ok so I stopped messing about and spoke to MrFacetime. Took a lot of courage as I have a fear of confrontation as well as rejection (thanks 'D'M).

He was great actually, really honest and open and things kind of make sense now. It wasn't that I was looking for him to commit to dating, I was just confused by the high level of contact which is not typical of 'just' friendships yet there had been no hint of this progressing to anything else. I basically said because I felt there was a change Wednesday onwards, this made me think 'what are we doing'.

He's not ready for any kind of relationship, doesn't know what the future looks like (marriage only ended in March, divorce not complete), insisted this was no reflection on me and he likes talking to me and clearly there is some history there which we may want to explore, maybe he comes to visit etc. So I think there is potentially something more there it's just the wrong time at the moment.

This actually really suits me. I've clearly got a lot to work on with me for now, get myself back in a healthy place. Past relationships have been more successful when there has been time to build a friendship beforehand. I find OLD so terribly pressured to make decisions early on when you don't actually know someone very well. So a slow burn might be just what I need.

So I think we are just going to enjoy keeping in touch on a friendship basis and if something develops in the future then great, but if not then it's no big deal. I will probably be much more relaxed with him now. I'm not putting all my eggs in his basket as I wasn't ready for dating people anyway.

Still not sure about FT though 🤣

@Sunshineandflipflops awww that's a lovely update! 5000 messages though, wow!!
How do you know that? Is there a count on whatever app you're using?