Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Forget my previous post. It's not right and I'm not sending it.

Maybe this instead... sorry I think I'm talking to myself, it's quiet on here today.

I just feel like I need to say 'something' so he knows why I don't want to talk to him. But also gives him a chance to explain incase I have been unfair.

"We’ve had frequent contact on a daily basis for weeks now. But something changed Wednesday onwards, including you rejecting my (return) call on Friday night with no explanation since. I now feel like I’m just filling a gap for you when it suits, and I’m not interested in being that person. If I’ve misunderstood then feel free to correct me."

@notreallyacatfish why not just send "what happened on Wednesday?" then let him explain?
Not sure I'm the best person to advise, seeing as I just sent a meme to "do not contact" who sent a smiley face back.

Hey not really I think you are right to say something as what he had done isn’t bad enough to go ghost I don’t think, plus that never sits right with me!

Not sure what though!

notreally what do you want? End in mind and all that. To continue talking or to end it?

To end it just say “it’s been lovely talking but I think something has changed so I’m going to say goodbye now”

To keep talking yes as Orignay says just simply ask “You rejected my call the other day and haven’t really been in contact, what changed?*

I think if there was a reasonable explanation then I might be happy to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I've not asked for one so I don't know what it is.

Even if I want to end contact completely, I guess I'd like him to know why.

I like the shorter 'what's changed' type responses. Rather than me giving him the words. Will think about that.

Ok good luck!

@notreallyacatfish yeah I'd go for the briefer 'what happened on Wednesday' text rather than putting all your eggs in one basket in one text message. I see why you're feeling that way and he seems so unreliable with contact. Why is he so insistent on FT anyway! That said the only person I FT with is my Mum

Mr Chef has been binned off and blocked/unmatched on Tinder. After his 'I'm not ready for a relationship' spiel yesterday the day before we were due to meet, he decided to bombard me with pervy messages when I didn't reply to an earlier text message and sent me a dick pic. I sent him a message back saying I didn't appreciate unsolicited dick pics (my son has access to an iPad which downloads images to, and besides the point, I don't mind a dick pic, when I've asked or agreed to one) and just straight up blocked him.

Tinder is proving a bit shit at the moment. The iron I was seeing for a week I spoke about in the last thread is still on my mind. I hate that, I'm usually totally cool with things not working out but perhaps the abruptness of it has played into my emotions as i wade through the dross on Tinder I realise he was the nearest to normal or comfortable I'd felt. Ugh.

Ex is also being a prize cock at the moment. If I could just do FWB I'd be off to a great start as there are loads of guys who have shown interest in that but I just can't, I get emotionally attached

Ok I sent this 'You rejected my FT call the other day and haven’t been in contact as much. What’s changed?'

I feel better for calling him out on it, rather than just blanking him. Will see what he says (if at all). Thanks for your help ladies.

@NigesFakeWalkingStick he said he likes FaceTime as it's more like a face to face conversation. He also likes to set it up when he's doing something like cooking his tea, so he can chat at the same time.

Sounds like MrChef was trying his luck after telling you he didn't want a relationship.
i agree I wish I could have a FWB set up without getting the feels. It's rubbish isn't it!

Been meaning to ask, where does the term 'irons' come from?

He's replied with this

What’re you on about? I was on the phone when you called and I’ve called and texted since? I tried loads yesterday when I was at the seaside?

@notreallyacatfish Did he though ? Anyway even if he did, in my humble opinion, he doesn’t sound like a pleasant bloke in his response.

@Peanuthedz Happy (not happy) to see you go - as you’re in a good place makes sense !

He rang twice yesterday morning, and twice this morning. Plus two messages each morning too. wouldn't class that as loads but he has tried.

Back from my night away at Mr Skinny’s, had a lovely time, o really need to stop stressing and stop picturing the worst case scenario all the time (it’s hard when you have dated so many ass holes). He was a bit drunk when I got there after being out with his friends but he was kind of sweet and funny, this morning he couldn’t remember all the things he told me last night, not even sure if her remembers half of what we did in bed either 🤔.

It’s ‘irons’ in the fire, @notreallyacatfish.

He doesn't sound very pleasant in that message, catfish. Is it really worth continued contact?

I replied already with this...

'I’m on about Wednesday to Friday.
I guessed you were on another call Friday - that’s not really the issue - but nothing from you afterwards? Until you messaged in the morning like I’d never even called you?'

And he's just replied with this...

'Blimey Catfish? Hadn’t even thought about it... just busy and try where I can ? What’s going on? '

Notreally it’s up to you, he has tried since and if that’s the only blip you could be overdoing it because it coincided with your paranoia over FTing.

You have to make a decision - are you done? You mentioned he said some things that weren’t nice before on the phone?

Or

Is he generally nice and you need to let the one time he didn’t call back go? Do you wan to carry on? If so you need to speak on the phone because text will just get messy at this point.

love glad you had a nice evening in the end and it’s going well so far!

Despite my plans for a break, I seem to have acquired a new iron called Mr Canada. We have exchanged recent photos and will not be messaging much before meeting some time on the weekend. I won't overinvest this time, or make plans for hedgehog houses.

Thanks @shitwithsugaron. This one really hit me badly. I really hoped he could be 'the one' I am just telling myself the hedgehog house and the one is just a not yet which is helping. Onwards

Can you call to him about it instead @shitwithsugaron? I know he's with his parents but can you text him to call you as you need to discuss comms whilst dc is in hospital
Or if he says he's not available 👺 then send more over text?

@notreallyacatfish yeah I suppose I do the same with FT, but generally only with people I feel super comfortable with and definitely not with someone I don't know well. I suppose it's horses for courses.

I think you've done the right thing in highlighting the weirdness of him since Weds and don't let him make you feel weird for questioning it.

Mr Chef seemed so promising but the deeper I looked at it (hello Facebook stalk) the more I could see he was blatantly lying about his intentions. He couldn't even last until we'd met before he started getting pervy over message 😂

Aw @shitwithsugaron I'd say something like you know he needs to focus on his DS right now so you are going to step back for a bit. You are still around if he needs you but you understand his focus is elsewhere.

I think stepping back will be great for you.