Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Am currently messaging with Mr Joker while he is on holiday so that's nice. :)

Sorry for your rotten evening, Ginmel. :(

Hahaha @Sunshineandflipflops I just couldn't imagine shagging him. Nope. Never. No way.

@Ginmel He could obviously imagine shagging you! Sorry!!!

One day @Sunshineandflipflops I'll forgive you for that joke but today won't be the day 😂😂

Actually you made me laugh and I needed that.

Sunshine 😂😂😂 that’s so mean!

Isn’t it odd if we are into them the idea of them fantasising about you is great.

If we aren’t it’s all “ARGH GET ME OUT OF YOUR BRAIN”

Just me?

Ok so I'm off! I've been reading but feeling more and more removed from dating and actually this thread is so time consuming. I will miss hearing what you're all getting up to and I will definitely be back but by the time I am it will hopefully be a whole new set of hopeful daters. I've finally accepted I am in a relationship with Mr Unsuitable. We will never tell each other we love each other although clearly we do. We won't be spending the rest of our lives together. He remains totally and utterly Unsuitable and is still 15 years younger despite celebrating our shared birthday together recently. He's met my DCs a couple of times. We won't be going out a la famille but they know he's ok although teen DD is slightly horrified at the unsuitableness. One day he'll move back home and my heart will be broken for a bit but for now it's working.

For those of you who don't know I only really met him for the anecdote and interest. And he was persistent. I had no interest in a man more than five years younger. Our first date when I saw him I had a kind of calm feeling inside. Plus finding out we have the same birthday was weird. I didn't actively fancy him though. After date 2 I nearly didn't see him again.

The messaging has always been easy. We don't message a lot or even dailybut there's never been any worry. I knew we were exclusive straightaway. We both sort of did.

Anyway apologies for the ramble but good luck one and all. I will read occasionally and hope you all slowly disappear (for good reasons...) and @Ant330 there's a good woman out there for you.... but it ain't ms H!

@Peanuthedz I know, thank you. It's definitely over with MissH.
MissTiny messaged me tonight from her holiday asking if I had a nice birthday, and has sent a couple more messages, so all may not be lost there. Mind you she's away with friends so she may just be drunk!

peanuthedz best of luck with Mr U going forward. How you met and how you are together all show what a unique bond you have.

Had a great first date with my IRL encounter that I swapped numbers with last weekend in a club at 3am! Who needs apps 😃 I do really

Connection and spark was incredible and we ended up dtd at my house. Our schedules are way irratic though, so I'm not sure what it is or will be. Fun for both of us either way.

Good luck peanut I missed why MrUnsuitable was unsuitable (age isn’t enough?) but enjoy it while it lasts I guess!

Rick sounds like you had a fun night!

Hey
I was on here almost every day and had some dodgy dates and flings and then I met my man.

Just a word of encouragement for those online daters. I am almost a year and a half into my relationship ( yes we met on POF) and we have just had our offer accepted on a home together.
Things have been amazing and I can't believe i stayed with my ex husband so long slogging through a thankless loveless marriage.

regarding the Things you put up with and turn a blind eye to....he smokes, which I hate! He works a lot..... and gets very tired/falls asleep....BUT If that's all I have to worry about then I consider myself a very lucky woman. None of us are perfect and he is such a loving, genuine, sexy, ROCK of a man. I love him to bits

@shitwithsugaron you're not a terrible girlfriend. You're in a difficult position and it's natural to miss him as he's understandably a bit emotionally unavailable for you right now.

It sounds like you are doing the right things though, letting him know you are there but leaving it for him to come to you as and when he's able to.

I don't know his history with ex, how long they've been separated etc but I can imagine that your child being ill, even when the parents are not together, may bring you closer for a while. Just because they are the only ones who know how each other feels in that situation. It doesn't mean there is anything else going on.

Having said all that, you are perfectly in your right to look after your own feelings too. I don't know how serious or long term his DS illness is but if it goes on for sometime and you are not getting what you need then it's also ok to move on, sad as that is. Even the strongest relationships don't always survive when there is a sick child, it's very stressful times.

So I didn't hear from MrFaceTime for the rest of yesterday.

But this morning I've had a few messages and calls. The last message said 'where have you disappeared to?' Followed by a call half an hour later.

I'm doubting now if I've been a bit harsh or imagining things. Feel bad for not responding as I also know how that feels. I'm just so confused what to do.

Good luck @Peanuthedz. It certainly doesn’t matter if MrU is not a ‘forever relationship’ - a relationship that works for you right now is exactly right.

I agree that you’re not a shit GF @shitwithsugaron. The fact that you’re being so understanding (even beating yourself up over any feelings you have) when he’s got no time or headspace for you speaks volumes about his great you are.

I think it’s fair that you feel a bit hurt that he’s ‘looking after’ his ex and taking the time to send her nice messages (that aren’t about the DC). You are doing the right thing in not making a big fuss, but it is something that many people would feel upset about. Especially when he was such a shit to you when his DC first went into hospital.

@shitwithsugaron so mr b has proved he can even show care for his ex wife, and I get that she's the ds's mum but he is still at best uncaring, at worst a prat to you. As always it's your life. Be kind to you

I've been reading along for a while- I've found it really helpful to read about how you're all working these things out and managing boundaries etc. I'm getting up the courage to start OLD after a difficult end to a marriage about 4 years ago. It's taken me a long time to feel ok again.

I wanted to say thank you, I feel like I'm learning a lot from your stories. I also wanted to say to @shitwithsugaron that the situation sounds really hard. I can understand how hard it must be to see him writing caring texts to his ex when it sounds like he doesn't have time to think about you, or treat you kindly. It's just an outsider's opinion, sorry if it's not asked for. But it sounds like he's almost sabotaging himself in this situation, by putting his energy into a relationship that's over, which is causing him to withdraw from you (something new). I don't know if there is anything you can do at the moment, and that's what's painful, except take care of yourself.
Hello, everyone.

I’m not sure it is tough shit @shitwithsugaron. Yes, of course, he’s going to be preoccupied with his ill DC but it’s not that he has no headspace beyond that. I think you’re finding it so hard because he does have the headspace to send kind messages to his ex, or to spend time with his parents. And it’ll be even harder because he was so horrible to you last week.

You seem to be feeling guilty for feeling anything because there’s a DC in hospital but it really isn’t a free pass for MrB to treat you like an afterthought (or emotional punch bag) while attending to the emotional needs of the other adults around him. That’s completely separate from his feelings and actions regarding his DC.

After all, if your DD were in hospital, you’d probably find time and energy to say ‘thank you’ to him for just being there to stroke your head or whatever.

By the way, I think you are doing exactly the right thing at the moment @shitwithsugaron. But I also want you to know that you aren’t being petty or ridiculous or whatever it is you think is wrong with feeling the way you do.

Hmmm I'd forgotten about his shitty behaviour when DS first went in to hospital. Did he ever acknowledge that?

Thinking of sending this to MrFacetime. Too direct? Waste of time?

"You’ve been bombing me with messages and calls for weeks, until earlier this week when something shifted and you’ve barely responded. Then you reject my call on Friday night with no explanation since. I don’t know if I’m filling some gap in your life but I’m not interested in being put on back burner in any type of friendship."

@shitwithsugaron personally I think he sounds like he is going through a massive situation and I'd probably take a step back till things have cooled over.

@CassettesAreCool I wish you loads of success in the world of real life dating!!!

Paying for OkCupid was a waste of money as none had any potential! Have binned the irons who were not giving me what I needed. i spoke to Mr Casual and seems like we really are in a comfortable exclusive FWB situation. We dont have the ups and downs of his usual relationship history so I'm feeling like I'm just the nice option which kinda grates at me a bit.

Im wondering whether to also take a break as it's proving a bit disheartening and making me question myself.