Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

@notreallyacatfish if he's giving you bad vibes I would honestly let him get on with his life. It can be hard, but your gut is always right. In a way his actions have made you feel that you had to FT him. Whilst I agreed it was good for you to do. I'm more concerned with how he's making you feel. From one hour to the next. If you get a chance read the book mr unavailable and the fallback girl.

I find this "can i contact him or should i wait, how often can i contact him, am i saying the right things or is it too much, why hasn't he contacted me" etc. so draining, with every single date :(

@lifegoes I think you're right. And I think I will feel better for it and also feel like I've taken control rather than wait for him to just phase me out if he gets a better offer! Should I just ignore/block now? That feels like ghosting but not sure what I would say.

@LonelyButterfly I agree and I think it's shitty that men can seemingly contact you as much as they want and women are classed as 'full on/needy' if they do much as send one to many messages. It's very unbalanced.
MrFacetime would think nothing of calling or messaging me more than once (with a ?) if I don't respond quick enough for him.

@LonelyButterfly I find the moment I get into that state of mind. I just delete their number and let them come to me. The right one it just flows nicely, you don't even think if it's too much or when they'll contact you.

@notreallyacatfish I would just delete his number but that's me, if he texts then I'd be inclined to say. But your set up is just friendship at the moment isn't it?! You haven't had a date? If that's correct then I would ignore his message.

The reason I delete their number. It just stops me being tempted to text them. And ignoring them because I've not dated them and I won't tolerate their behaviour. Sounds a bit silly, but if someone treats you bad or pushes your standards. Then they have to learn the consequences of that.

Can't keep up tonight but @notreallyacatfish I find the ft thing a bit weird to be honest. I hate talking to men I haven't met yet on the phone, let alone ft! I wouldn't do it before meeting and would be enthralled about doing it after either!

@notreallyacatfish exactly, double standard!
Dr B: when i didn't respond within a few hours, i got 2 needy messages why i wasn't responding. he takes 2-7 days to respond and IF he does (it's about 50:50 chance to get a reply) with about 3 words.
Ex A: called me needy because i wanted a phone call between dates, and a text "i'm not ignoring you" apparently counts as saying hi. he ghosted me after 2 months of relationship and then later denied we had a proper relationship so "there wouldn't need to be a conversation to break up" (he called me girlfriend).
Mr F: had a great date, when i said 'this was fun, would like to see you again' he responded with 'i don't want to stress about implications as i stress about life too much already' and then ignored follow up text.

@lifegoes that's a good way to do it. i tried that too, but for some reason the guys keep coming back, and once you respond, they disappear again. until i stop responding, quite exhausting.

always feels like men are in control (and not women). walking on egg shells.

Yeah it's just friendship but we dated years ago and lots of chemistry then. He's bombed me with calls and messages for the last 7 or 8 weeks now. Mostly friendly chat, not much flirting although a few references back to one evening in particular (we never slept together, just kissing but it was extremely enjoyable!).

We've not met yet (since years ago) as there is now 2.5 hours drive between us.

He's done nearly all the initiating. Calls that lasted over an hour, sometimes two. Calls on breaks at work, driving home from work etc. It's only the last 3 days he's gone quiet on me but very low level keeping in touch. I can be a little paranoid sometimes but I'm also not an idiot! Although I have wondered how sustainable that level of contact is anyway, even if both were dating happily.

I was annoyed he kept FaceTiming me even though he knew I was uncomfortable with it. But because I turned the camera off I then felt I was being ridiculous and had to get over myself. But ultimately I've allowed him to push me into something I wasn't comfortable doing, no matter how ridiculous it might seem to others.

@LonelyButterfly yep I've come across those scenarios too! Except Mr F.. what does that even mean?!

Well, I know I won't message him first, whether his number is deleted or not. That's where it helps being a fearful avoidant type . It will be replying I will find hard because I feel like I'm being rude ignoring. But it could be quite satisfying to see how often he tries to contact me, which I wouldn't get if he was blocked completely.

@LonelyButterfly I'd not respond the next time. I've learnt the best way is to not respond when they come back, mainly because they'll hook you back in. They aren't daft they know if they try and you engage in convo it's like a green light.

@notreallyacatfish you are of course right it's hard to keep up that level of contact. But you've just reconnected, you owe him nothing. If he wants you, he knows where you are.

I do feel bad as I also pushed you to do the FT. But on the positive side it's helped get over your fear of it. If you hadn't and this had ended you would constantly question if it was because of that. Now you know it certainly wasn't. My friend uses FT all the time rather than calling, mainly because she's pottering around the kitchen cooking or sorting the kids. She prefers that with her iPad so I do get why someone does it.

But you are right, he's played on your vulnerability slightly.

notreally sorry, I dropped the ball there! It’s good that you conquered your issues and did the FT thing, a) because you conquered your issues and b) because you now know for sure that FT is not your thing (100% behind you there). These are both valuable learnings, and you can move on a wiser woman.

Oh good lord this just sounds like hassle for everybody left right and centre! to all.

I've got a friend trying to set me up with her ex for some funzies and a mr 5 feeling glum, stuck and skint with a broken ankle oh and a series of people I barely know blurting into my inbox using me as emotional crutch for everything from boyfriend trouble to pregnancy scares to trying not to self harm. Meanwhile my job is full on flat out, a full 2 weeks before I expected and planned for it to be

On the plus side I think I might have somehow managed to set a friend up with a minor celebrity, so I could probably open a crap dating agency for Z listers 🤣

The good thing about MrFaceTime going quiet is I've had more time to reflect. I'm actually most gutted I allowed myself to get swept up in the attention for so long, rather than gutted about it not working out with him. I've come to the conclusion he's probably not a very nice person. There were some red flags (not an issue now but if things had progressed) which I hadn't shared here as I know what the response would be. But today in particular he said some very unpleasant things about a driver who was holding him up. He sees it as humour. I just don't find it funny. I actually said 'you can't say that!'. The worst bit for me was he had his kids in the car when he said it.

So he's definitely a reason guy. He's helped me identify what I need to work on confidence / self esteem wise and I also need to stand my ground a bit more, listen to the red flags and not be glazed by the attention. Plus I looked at my DS sleeping next to me tonight and thought I don't want a man like that in his life. So what's the point in wasting time on him.

My only little tiny hope is that he does contact me tomorrow so I can have the satisfaction of ignoring him!!

@CassettesAreCool yes I definitely will not be agreeing to any FaceTime before meeting someone in the future.

Sorry, not ready. Just wallowing in self pity. Why?

tooold not ready for what? Why what? Are you ok?

Random post. But MrHHard back.Feck.

Don't blame you for not being ready @tooold it's damn hard. Personally I'd send a message calling him on it and then block every way possible. But you need do it how/when is right for you. Ripping off that bandage can help though.

Ignore that please sorry @tooold. Wrong person 😔

@tickettocrazytown ahhhh I thought you 2 hadn't met. Right yes it makes more sense why youd ditched your other irons.

@scotgal2017 ghosting after 3 months. My god. I am so sorry. That is awful behaviour. Me and a pal were talking last night about the ability to review app men being essential. But good for you, the last thing he needs is the validation of you chasing him. I've had a man turn up many many months later like nothing happened. Dont be surprised. Ghosters etc are literally without shame

@notreallyacatfish christ constant face time possibility just sounds stressful to me. Theres just no need for it....why cant you 2 meet yet? Sorry you might have said this but I've missed it

@WhatWhyWhen it's a bit like buses on the apps. Or waves. Please let go of mr headfuck for your sanity. I'm all of the opinion now that people that fuck about should be treated as such else they think it's acceptable behaviour to string people along. Actions have consequences....hopefully long term they learn.

Well, I had a great night with my pal post deleting of mr normalbutfunny. I cant remember getting home..not often that happens to me but we decided to work our way down their cocktail list and I cannot handle cocktails.Also pleased to report that I didnt randomly text an ex headfuck....it has been known to happen before ...so I guess, progress?

tooold i'm sure you'd mentioned that the reason you'd let this guy go in the first place was flakey behaviour. Honest to god flakes dont change ime. Ever. Talk a big game, then under deliver. I'd personally be sticking his chat in the delete file.

Has everyone heard of prick advisor btw? Fb group where you can out dreadful dates/relationships. Theres a local one where I am. My pal outed her ex on there yesterday...as did the other woman he was seeing at the same time as her. Another woman turned up on the thread. He'd been seeing her too. Eye opening stuff.

@LonelyButterfly there is so much nloody flaking these days. Honest to god it's been said before but they always come back. Well 90% of the time. And when they do it's just ignore. It is a slog getting through these time wasters but the faster you spot em and delete etc the faster you get to the people who're legit

I’m still over thinking things with Mr Skinny, have a feeling he’s going off me. He usually messages me to say good night after he’s been to his friends house on Friday, I sent him a message when I got home from the party I was at, he’s received the message but not opened it, no good night message from him. I’m going to go out with the dc’s today and keep busy, not sure if I’m staying at his tonight or not, somethings just not feeling right, like he’s backing away.

Bumble experts, can I just check, if there's men in my match queue, and I haven't paid for a subscription, then those men are outside of my filter requirements? Otherwise they'd have appeared for me to match?
So I am not missing out by not renewing the subscription because they probably live 80 miles away and just match with every one that appears?
If I am wrong then I'll think about renewing...

Last day of August, been OLD since start of Feb 2018 - 18 months - so I’m now done! Deleted Tinder account a month ago, deleting Bumble and Match today.

I’ve had a ball for the most part but the quality of men and their behaviour that I’ve encountered in the last six months is really poor so I’m going the RL route to find a partner. Signed up for sport and education classes, walking dog in more public area, joined a social group (inter varsity).

I’m keeping two FWBs from OLD: 16 months in with Mr Mad, ED and kinky as ever but funny, clever, politically astute, likes trips away; and 6 months in with Mr Greedy, ever horny yet lazy, but gentle, calm and emotionally astute, likes weekly meets. I’m also keeping two mates from OLD, both with lifestyles and backgrounds completely different to mine but we get along and it’s interesting. Between them, probably half of what I’m looking for but still more than I had in my marriage for the last few years, so I’m up on the game.

I’m excited at no more swiping, no more staring aghast at sad faces in lorry cabs, no more sick rising at the vile things men text, no more heart sinking at banal and badly spelt messages. It feels scary but really exciting to let that all go and reclaim my precious time.

This is a dating thread, not just the OLD thread, right? Can I stay please on the very remote off-chance that I date people IRL?