Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

@iamthrough what time did you message him and what time are you meant to be meeting? There's still a chance he will respond but agree with others not to get in touch. You asked him a direct question. Sorry if he doesn't respond - some men are such cowards.

So for ease I will call the guy I'm talking to mrFacetime. Didn't hear a peep last night but he's just tried calling. I'm genuinely going out in 5 mins for DS swimming lesson so didn't answer. I don't like playing games but I also don't like being easily available.
I might drop a text shortly and say we are at swimming and I'm free later. So I'm responding but leaving ball in his court again. I dunno. I'm rubbish at this. No wonder I'm forever single 😫

I'm a INFP-A according to Myers Briggs. Sums me up to a tee.

@Ant330 lovely, I think you need to just field her call a little, calling up someone who has said their busy and rambling shows very little self awareness and it risks bringing you back into her fold which is precisely what you probably don't need at this time.

@iamthrough - definitely don't chase, I'm not sure who posted but upthread there was a really good quote that said if you someone likes you you'll know about it, and if they don't/are not bothered you'd end up feeling confused. Could be that they have other options open to them and don't want to commit to a meeting. It's shit though

Spent the evening last night talking to an iron I'll call Mr Chef. He's 8 years younger than me 😂 Seems very nice and local, I might take a punt on him

I agree with @Ginmel, @Ant330. I think you’re going to have to be much clearer with MissH and set much firmer boundaries. In fact, you need to set those boundaries for yourself.

It’s not acceptable that she phoned you about her troubles when she knew you were on a birthday night out with your friends. She was purposefully trying to fuck with that and stop you having fun. But you didn’t have to take the call and you could have ended it immediately after pointing out that you were out.

Tbh, as much as you might feel that you like her, it sounds like she’s extremely hard work and this is just coming out properly at the 3 month mark. People can (and do) pretend in the early days, but who they are comes out eventually. In this case, I suspect you should imagine the future with her as one in which any attempt for you to have fun or go out with friends is sabotaged by her having problems. We all know people in these kind of relationships (and there are enough threads on AIBU from people like this to illustrate the thinking) and it’s clear that the weird possessive/controlling/sabotaging side to their partners wasn’t what they thought they were getting when they started the relationship.

There are loads of large, waving red flags here.

Apparently I’m an INTP-T. I used to consistently get ENTP but with a fairly borderline E. I’d hazard a guess that MrSG’s results would come out fairly similarly to mine.

Thanks All, I agree I'm absolutely not going to chase although I'm sitting on my hands resisting sending him another message! LOL @notreallyacatfish - I messaged him last night 10pm to confirm if he's still OK with tonight. We're supposed to be meeting for drinks at 7:30. I suppose he could still message - I will let you all know if he does. In the meantime if its all off I think I'll treat myself to a takeaway!

Me too iamthrough! Nothing since midday yesterday. No good night's, no call. Wtf! I've sent 3 msgs and no reply. Won't send anymore. It shows he's been online but not read msgs. Hope your MrBoat isn't my MrBirdsEye? 🤔.

Iamthrough nothing wrong with a night in and a takeaway Let us know what you end up doing!

notcoolmum - my niece had a message out of the blue on WA the other week from a man she was messaging via Tinder when she split from her husband (never actually met). She has been with her current partner SIX years now!!! Longest conversation pause in OLD history???

Ginmel maybe just offer to walk the dog instead?

Well ……. I take it all back had a message and apparently He's looking forward to meeting. Blimey really don't think I'm cut out for these ups and downs! It's like a roller coaster isn't it? Why it took him 12 hours nearly to reply I just don't understand...

Seems like we're all having missed comms!
My date for tonight texted last night asking if I could do last night (not instead, just was i free then) - I wasn't, I had my daughter. Later on I asked if he was still alright for tonight. Read last night (blue ticked). No reply. Here's my angle on this.....

I could wait today, see if he replies but I consider it a basic lack of courtesy. A direct question, it takes 30 secs to do yes/no/not sure/can I let you know later. There are NO excuses in the online age for shoddy communication. So, whether he comes back or not - i've made other plans. It's a shame, I liked his banter....but these days for my own sanity I gotta let em go if they can't manage the basics.

This is sounding fishy iamthrough (excuse the pun). I also got a msg but he did add that all mine came thro at once this morning.

@iamthrough I am a 0% fan of taking hours to reply, as you can see from my date for tonight update. However it was 10 when you texted him so seems kinda reasonable to assume someone might be going to bed etc and not really down for texting at that time. 10 am, after arrival in work? Seems alright to me.

Some really good rules! I met Mr B in January, he was extremely keen to get to know me (not to jump into my knickers) so I already broke rule 3 and started having feelings and investing too soon. Then, of course, he got cold feet and backed off, but re-entering my life since then regularly, telling me he finds it hard to open up because of a traumatic story and that he would like me to be his friend, while keeping his walls as high as possible. I asked him how he wants me to be his friend. He told me it has nothing to do with me and I suggested therapy to him and he said he knows and might need to do that. Quite hard to escape such a situation when you want to help (I know I shouldn't) and when you see signs/crumbs he actually likes you (I know it's not enough). Every time I communicated my standards and how this makes me feel, he doesn't disappear (I wish he did, or I wish I did) but also nothing changes. I'm longing for a respectful team player, and where I'm not just being used as number 25 on their road to fun. And when I don't have to worry about multiple dating. Back to trying to follow the rules...!

"If they like you, you'll know. If they don't, you'll be confused." Until one day they say they don't like you quite as much as they ought to, while giving every impression that they do. Then you'll be very confused !

I think I'm going to struggle with the 'if they like you, you'll know' part of dating from here on in

Definitely be relaxed about late night/early morning text gaps @iamthrough - my school run morning + commute leaves very little time for considered WhatsApping. And if I WhatsApp with someone I like, I do not want it to come off as brusque.

Unfortunately that advice applies to normal people, not headfuckers. Sadly there seem to be quite a lot of them on OLD.

It’s hard to produce a single set of rules or principles because it just always depends on so many variables.

And it’s crap because the headfuckers make the normal people more wary of everyone.

I think you’d be best off putting a stop to all contact with MrB (and his headfuckery ways) @LonelyButterfly.

Thanks @shitwithsugaron

Sorry I'm not really that bitter, nor have I been headfucked but couldn't help but think that quote didn't quite cover it. Although y'all loved it, I sort of disagreed: feelings and 'knowledge' can change over time. We see the potential at the start but the realisation of that potential is the challenge. It's nice to hear stories like @Woomawang and MrSG to know that it may not be all that challenging after all

Oh @HairyArsedMan I think you can take ANY quote and say it doesn't fully apply to all circumstance. Yes life changes, people change.

But the quote is more aimed at people or are sat wondering at the start, I don't know if they like me. It's not about it lasting etc. If you question someone's intentions or feelings at the start. Then there is your answer. My ex said he loved me, I never once doubted his feelings for me. Only he turned out to be married and a fully blown narc. So you know! We never know what the future holds

Sorry to hear some are having communication issues. I do agree with @supercali77 it takes 30 seconds to reply to a question. ESP when you are confirming an up and coming date. Whilst people have lives I am never rude. I wouldn't sit online and ignore a question someone had asked. It's basic manners. And if they can't show basic manners, it tells you loads about their character.

In an attempt to not be stalkery and neurotic I have turned off the blue ticks feature on WhatsApp so I can't check if anyone has read or seen my messages. And by anyone I mean Mr Joker who is on holiday with friends and is probably far too busy to reply to my breezy message this morning with some recent good news about my life. I won't turn it back on. I won't, I won't.

Mr Rugby keeps turning up every few days. He's a laugh but I reckon he'd be one of those head-fuckery sorts, so I'm glad I'm not invested.

Speaking of stalkery things I think I've finally found Mr Unexpected on social media. Oddly he looks far more like I thought he would than his profile pic. Also found house and ex wife. Didn't mean to find the ex wife. I just wanted to make sure he was divorced.

Let me try that again
He looks far more like I thought he would, which is far more similar than his fab profile pic.
And I just wanted to make sure he wasn't married. Didn't know he had been married but obviously expected and more importantly knowing also that he's divorced!

Ha I love a good stalker find @Ginmel you can find out a lot. Great news he's divorced.

Feeling more normal now haha!

Glad your efforts yielded positive results, Ginmel.

A pleasant surprise. house is nice too

I think a bit of SM stalking is fair @Ginmel. It’s totally prudent to check that someone really is not married/in a relationship.

MrSG and I both checked online for each other once we had surnames (disclosed on the first date). He would definitely have been better at finding stuff online than I was (he has many years of professional expertise in such things). Actually he probably used my photos/phone number to find stuff before I told him my name (so he probably already knew what my full name was was when I told him).

He told me recently that he’d found my ex online at the time and was horrified that he looked/was so crap. Apparently he checked back at my photos to check that I was actually as attractive as he thought I was and wondered WTF I’d been doing with the ex. (Ironically my ex thinks he’s god’s gift and much better looking than me; objectively he’s not).

I must admit I only knew his job, office locations (this was key), first name and name of place a few miles from where he lives. Sleuthing is just too easy.