Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

I've DTD on a second date and the guy disappeared. DTD on first date with exh (nearly 30 years married) and two others which went on to be relationships last over 2 years and 1 year. So I think there's no bloody rule. I just used to have sex if I felt like it. I don't get emotionally attached if I have sex with someone though!

whatwhy I don’t see what’s wrong with an ego boost, but a full-on LDR has its problems i think!

Woo that's lovely 😍

Mr BC adores me, I can feel it, and tell by his actions (and he tells me all the time). And I adore him. He's my favourite person to spend time with. Such a lovely feeling after my awful marriage 💕

batshit I don’t get emotionally attached either, but I do get carried away and make REALLY bad choices and I hate ONS. So for me the rule is to give myself thinking time. With my brain.

@bats 😍❤️😍

I don't think many people legit like ONS....it feels either a bit shabby/hangover fear/wreckless or else - like something that ended too soon. I don't like 'em myself. Tbf I generally wait till 2nd date or more. I just happen to have been a bit - well let's face it - wreckless recently.

Completely in the same place super my libido and wine take over and then my brain goes WHAT THE FUCK 😬

Bat that lovely! May we all be Bat and Woo soon!!

Despite my recent experience with Miss Close, I don't usually dtd on the first date - in fact it was the first time it's happened to me since I was about 20, and that was on holiday on a 18 - 30's thing, so not sure that counts?

However, I am of the opinion that if the chemistry is right, and it feels right, then go for it. YOLO and all that.

Hi everyone. New here and new to OLD. Recently divorced after 20 year marriage so the whole On-Line dating thing has been a real eye opener so far! Started lovely conversation with Guy #1 and once he'd told me he wanted to arrange a date and that he fancied me - next thing I new I was blocked! I have so far had 1 date - Man #2 was really cute and a gentleman but he obvs didn't fancy me as few days later told me he didn't want to see me again (at least he told me straight rather than just ghosting!) I've been speaking to Man #3 for about 10 days - very sexy and we're meeting up tomorrow. Very nervous about it as I suspect he might want things to get physical straight away and while I'm trying to have an open mind - he does turn me on - I don't want it to turn into a ONS. I'm using Bumble. Any advice appreciated! Particularly how do I deal with a sexy man and keep him interested even if we don't (yet) get physical???

Aw Woo that is lovely! And Batshit, Sunshine and the rest of you on the smitten bench!

I am just enjoying this thread for the content atm as not going anywhere with any of it! Am swerving POF for now (hidden profile and not looking at it) as moved a few conversations onto WhatsApp (4 to be exact) but seem to have fallen into the classic rookie mistake (according to you all) of chatting for 2 weeks and not really going anywhere though a couple have expressed a desire to meet once they get back from holiday (not together haha) but no specifics yet.

The ones who proposed a specific meet up did it way too early for me when I had just joined and I got spooked that someone I had exchanged messages with for 2 days was prepared to drive an hour and a half to take me out to dinner and politely stalled.

Actually am not sure I've thought this through - for example all your chat about ONS/DTD first date or not has got me thinking, I have a very censorious teenage daughter living with me - my nickname for her used to be Saffy from Ab Fab - who has had to get used to me and her dad spitting up in the last year, so I would never upset her by even admitting I was doing online dating unless unavoidable despite the fact that her dad has been dating for months and months because has own flat and barely sees the kids so has complete autonomy to do as he likes so where would I DTD anyway? I am a bit old to do it in a car park! So what am I actually playing at?

Are you all in the situation of having shared custody and therefore part time freedom or grown up kids left home/no kids? Am I being a total arse and should I stop messing people around and just admit I have no time/opportunity?

ANY ADVICE, OH WISE ONES??? DD comes first with me, always. But also, when she leaves home for Uni in a couple of short years, I will be even older and more jaded. How unacceptable is it to arrange a date for October 2021?

iamthrough contrary to popular belief, men are not all solely motivated by sex.

If he loses interest because of the boundaries you need to feel secure, then it isn't going to work anyway.

Can someone tell me what DTD means??

@Ndotto I've wondered this too. I'm a solo mum and there is no one to have DS overnight, so even if I get a babysitter to date someone, I can hardly bring someone home. I also bed share with the toddler because it suits us at the moment and we both sleep better.

I would have to try and do lunch dates maybe!

Ndotto I have three kids under 10 and ex only sees them on holidays! It’s not impossible!

I make time with overnight babysitters, DTD generally hotel as it feels safer than their house.

Though yes I’m very clear that my focus is the kids and I’m time poor so building anything is slow. I have the advantage I work from home a lot so can meet for coffee in the day so as not to steal time from the kids.

Your daughter is a teenager and actually I think it’s a good lesson for her that no one only gets one love, her mother has a life and deserves to be happy. I’ve never introduced anyone to the kids but eventually I want them to know life doesn’t die after divorce because eventually I don’t want them to grow up “putting up” with a bad relationship because they believe there is only one love.

Does that make sense?

Iam doing the deed.

Shagging basically

Average honest answer do you ever lose respect if a woman does on the first night? All my male friends have said they need the “chase” and women who do it with them are somehow devalued. Even if they don’t like thinking that way, it’s instinctual.

iam dtd - doing the deed

WhatWhyWhen Difficult for me to answer, as I have so little experience of ONS / DTD on the first date, but I'd hope not.

I'd like to think I'd treat someone I slept with for one night the same way I'd treat any woman iyswim, but I have been told I'm a little old fashioned in some of my thinking...

@WhatWhyWhen I read some paper once about why there may be an evolutionary drive regrading male views of 'promiscuity' in women. I mean it was interesting because while we've moved on culturally, I imagine some impulses are still very much there below the radar. Not to mention that there's an inherant stereotype of a woman who enjoys sex for its own sake blah blah.

I've DTD on a first date before, many moons ago. A couple of them progressed into relationships (albeit short lived) and a few crashed and burned. Generally though I'm of the mindset that I don't like showing my cards too soon. It would take something cataclysmic to change that, plus I have a young toddler at home and wouldn't ever invite them back here on the first date

@WooMaWang What a lovely, beautiful story. I'm so glad you are so happy. What wonderful news and gives the rest of us hope 🥰

MrC has sent me a couple of messages today which I've ignored. The settings on Tinder went all funny last night and started throwing up suggestions for 20something year olds (I'm mid 30s and had it set at 30+) but I matched with a very hot, very out of my league 26 year old Swedish scuba diver. Who then messaged me saying how beautiful I was, with lots of good conversation and back and forth It won't go anywhere as he lives up north and was only in my area for a conference, but it was a bit of a confidence boost 😂

@nige just to help you avoid the thread police 😅 there's an unofficial rule all irons need proper surnames and not abbreviations until the iron is at relationship status and then you can use initial or name

ginmel do you mean a fake surname? Like MrBanana... then can only go to MrB once in a relationship?

Yep exactly that @nota

Second thought for the day

What @Ginmel I just thought we have them a name and then an initial once we'd named them. Eg Mr B is Mr Bants for me.