Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Sobering @ginmel, but very true!
I'm located on the west coast of Ireland so have a very small pool to fish from! If I was creatively inclined I think I would have the makings of a best seller after my 6 months of OLD!

Good luck for Friday @supercali77. Even though I only want a FWB we've chatted far more about non sexual stuff which is a slippery slope

Well done for pressing the button @notreallyacatfish. You’re a better woman than me. 😆 I hope it goes well when you do speak to him.

@trustmygut It can totally be shit. There are a lot of shits out there. But honestly they aren’t all like that. There are good ones. This thread is definitely the place to come for help with all the crap though - if there’s an OLD mistake to have made, one of us (at least) has done it too.

If you were up here @Marlboroandmalbec34, and d definitely confiscate your phone. I bet he totally deserved whatever you did say.

And, since some of you were foolish enough to encourage such a thing: warning - what follows will contain some unbearably soppy nonsense. 😂

I really do think this relationship is actually ‘it’ for me. I have never felt this way, or this certain about anyone before. He is actually perfect for me (not actually perfect in a general sense, but even the annoying bits about him are annoyances I can totally live with and understand). And he feels the same way about me.

It is all so far from where I was even 18 months ago. I’d been so worn down by a hideous ex that I really didn’t believe that I could have a relationship ever again. I felt really ugly and totally unloveable (in hindsight my ex is ugly, inside and out, and incapable of loving someone). I just would not have believed I could feel like I do now.

I decided to try OLD because I was bored and found myself with childfree time to fill. I had very, very low expectations of it really. And I did find it depressing. But then I matched with MrSG, who is gorgeous (really he is). And he liked me - really liked me. And we just want(ed) to be with each other. For the first time in my life I properly feel loved. And like I’m attractive and completely loveable.

I’ve never had that before. I remember a very good friend at university (who is an asexual man) telling me that I always had boyfriends who I was ‘way out of their league’. I thought he was being ridiculous at the time, but I now realize that I have been picking guys that reflected my poor self-esteem (cheers crappy parents) who were a bit rubbish. In fact, I swiped on MrSG with an attitude of ‘well he’s gorgeous; he’ll never swipe for me’ and was surprised that he matched with me. But actually he seems to genuinely think I’m beautiful. And I feel much more attractive as a result.

I had a brilliant time with MrSG celebrating his 40th in a far away place, and returned to learn that we are definitely buying a house (and the one we wanted) together. He is always so lovely to me and makes it very clear that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We walked past silly cheap ring stalls several times while we were away and he asked me if I wanted a ring. I laughed and told him he could buy me one if he wanted (not that I wanted a plastic skull shaped ring or whatever they were selling). He didn’t buy one but he did smile and wink at me. So he probably has some kind of plan. 🥰

I do feel stupidly soppy about it all and happy. Properly happy.

Mr U is also checking quite frequently if I'm on fab. I can check him without logging in. He only logs in for about 5 seconds 😉 should stop checking that

That was properly heart warming @woo thank you. I'm so happy for you.

trustmy I know others on this thread have a different approach but I have one hard and fast rule: no actual DTD on the first date, though lots of other stuff if it seems right! Just gives me that opportunity to really consider if he’s worth risking the hurt of him treating me as a notch on the bedpost. DTD second date with everyone I’ve carried on seeing after that pondering time, and haven’t had that particular hurt.

If it makes you feel any better @Ginmel, it was more that 2 weeks of messaging before I managed to meet MrSG. He was away for work and then visiting his mum and stuff like that. And I had things going on.

Which is to say, it isn’t always a problem if you bend the rules occasionally.

(I was also pretty overinvested by the time we met. To put it mildly. I remember going into town to meet him and thinking something really, really ridiculous along the lines of: if I actually fancy him and he’s as lovely as he is over messages, I’ll probably fall in love with him. I was kind of warning myself to be wary (and aware of the danger I posed myself) I think. But I was actually right. I went home from that first date pretty sure there should be more. Luckily he felt the same, and he’s the kind of heart on his sleeve person who’ll arrange a second date (with specifics) during the first one and message with ‘I really like you’. But not in a weird love bombing way. I know, because I had a friend help vet for that.)

@Woo I would love to find a mr sg one day but this guy is only supposed to be a FWB. Your story doesn't help me not overinvest 😂 mind you yesterday mr u said I could build a hedgehog hut in his garden so he's not helping matters

Anyhow I'm sure the lack of photo thing will probably muck this up but I don't care. I have already told myself if/when this doesn't work out, it's a step closer to what I want.

I went with that rule too @CassettesAreCool. It was very tempting to take MrSG home after the first date. I was actually going to try for a few dates first, but we didn’t last long before retiring to bed on the second one.

I think though, in my case, it is because I know I have a history of desperation trying to make sure it’s not a one night thing. I have had ONSes in the past. and then I’ve felt crap about it. In fact, if I’m truly honest my entire relationship with my ex was an attempt to not have had a ONS with someone I knew professionally. I’d (drunkenly) done that before and felt embarrassed about it. The really sad thing is that I didn’t really fancy ex when I met him and hadn’t really planned on the ONS bit but sort of felt subtly pressured into it (in hindsight, that was an issue throughout the relationship). Basically I slept with him to avoid the embarrassment of telling him that he should have just stayed in the taxi and gone back to his hotel. And afterwards I felt I needed to make it into a relationship. It’s incredible that it lasted a decade really.

But, given that history, I felt a no sex on a first date rule was obligatory.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 DELETE! I did straight away this time and it's really helped me move on. I know now that the only way I will hear from him again is if he contacts me, but I know he won't.

@WooMaWang YES! This is lovely news and I'm so happy for you! How long have you and Mr SG been together?

MrAd messages a lot (we both do) and part of his recovery is to not lie so he opens up a lot to me and he keeps saying he can't see why I would like him. I love that I don't have to try and guess what he's thinking...it's liberating!

Yes, wooma, it was my own experiences that made me put this rule in place. I had ONS in early 20s and felt shit, so I decided the next man I DTD with would be The One. Followed that through to the letter! For 20 years the rule worked, had a good relationship with now XH (DTD on second formal date) until events got in the way.

Aw woo that’s lovely!!

Casettes I set that rule for a while until an iron I really liked, I didn’t on the 1st or second date, got really attached, DTD on the 3rd then he fucked off. Turns out holding out just made the prize higher for him and more painful for me.

Now don’t believe it’s within my control sadly

We met in July last year @Sunshineandflipflops. It sounds ridiculously fast, but it totally feels a case of ‘when you know, you know’.

@WhatWhyWhen I'm of the same opinion. First time DTD might trigger some misogynistic script within a man's brain (?) in which case....nope anyway. But if they're going to use an emotional line into your knickers it doesn't matter if it's the first date or not.

@ginmel cheers! you too

Thanks @supercali77

And so true...
But if they're going to use an emotional line into your knickers it doesn't matter if it's the first date or not.

Happy Birthday Ant 🎁.

Aww Woo - you're living the dream! So happy for you.

Notreally - don't beat yourself up but hold back on DTD on a 1st date if you are looking for a relationship - I got told this by a date I DTD with on a 1st date! I'd decided the next day I didn't want to see him again which left him confused. It works both ways-men have feelings too. It's so easy to get swept away on a 1st date, the excitement etc (and alcohol).

whatwhy oof that probably makes it even more painful! I’m sorry, totally not your fault, some people are such arseholes. I have been fairly lucky so far with OLD I think, though two years in and I’m still not ready for a relationship, frustratingly. Anyway, I like rules that I can stick to, as i can control my own behaviour and accept I can’t control anyone else’s, and for me that rule has helped.

@Ginmel - a hedgehog hut! That's up there with having a drawer.

@TooOldForThis67 😂😅😂

Sorry, got names mixed up in DTD 1st date post.

Is it unreasonable to have a relationship with a beautiful ex military nuclear scientist who lives in the USA with no kids. Just wondering.

Matched when I travelled there in April. I stopped messaging when I fell for MrHermit, he’s just come back to say how much he misses me, and adores me, he’s such as ego boost. He’s SO HOT, and clever and sweet and wants to buy flights here. Someone give my head a wobble seeing as I thought Holland was far

Yes I normally have the not DTD on the first date but I broke my own rule this time ... back to enforcing it. I'm usually pretty astute about these things and know if it's going to be a ONS or not ... this time I was my gut was wrong! Ah well!