Narcissistic boyfriend

[whattodo12345]

Hi....just wondering if anyone has any experience with this?

I'm a total paranoid wreck but can't seem to get out?

But surely he will use that as an excuse to the please? That I used to like the fact he fought to be with me? He's so convincing it's unreal!

You liked that he fought for you, that's normal. You absolutely didn't like the fact he smashed a glass over his head did you? No. They will understand that completely.

I tried getting across to him this morning that it's just the way he is but I don't want to be with someone like that...without telling him what I know! But Jesus....I wanted to tell him!

By him do you mean your ex? So you have spoken to him this morning about your relationship ending?

If he shows up again do not engage. If this doesn't work then "Leave me alone" "I will call the police" should be the only things you say, then CALL them. You have to follow through on the consequences you threaten.

OP it sounds like you're talking yourself out of this by worrying people won't believe you or will think it's your fault.

Look at this thread and how many people have been through this. It's not your fault but you do have to take responsibility for your actions from now on - and you need to get the police involved for your own sake.

I think the best approach now is to stop focusing on analysing him and focusing on protecting yourself. He is stalking you and refusing to leave you alone. He has been abusive and violent.

Spend the next good years of your life trying to figure him out.... and waste it.... or take back control of your own life, live freely and be free to meet healthy men.

I was like you, "but, what if, but he said, but he did, and then he wanted and didn't, rationalise, rationalise, analyse and BLA BLA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..." until I drove myself potty. I wasted PRECIOUS LIFE YEARS. My last reproductive years.

Don't be another idiot like me. Wake up now. You are far too empathic and he knows it.

Listen to @Gemma1971

It doesn't matter why he is like this. He is like this.

Don't ask yourself why he behaves this way, ask yourself what you can do to stay safe.

Yea I told him this when he turned up at mine this morning!

I'm not trying to talk myself out of it....just don't want to waste anyone's time or look silly!
I'm the type that would of been shot but still drive myself to the hospital! Dont know why... 🙄

You really are helping me btw stay strong! And making me realise these last 2 years have all been lies....and it's really helping not fall for any of his talk anymore!

I think I'm just still In shock that people can be like that and that I was a victim to someone.

I was married to the nicest man and now I'm thinking I'll never find anyone as genuine as him with all these nutters around 😂
Not that I want anyone else....I'm staying well clear for a while and sorting myself out once he is out the picture.

It's not love, it's trauma bonding:

I can recommend that you use YouTube to educate yourself,

Until a few years ago, I had no idea these nutjobs existed. I certainly never expected to be targeted by one and to spend 10 years literally obsessed by him.

I am free and healthy now.

Use Richard Grannon, Lisa A Romano, Inner Integration and Melanie Tonia Evans. Then you will really understand what has been done to you.

And at some point you are going to get REALLY angry. I did. Most targets do when you realise it was all a con. BUT that is usually the turnaround point at which you never go back.

You only spent 2 years with him. That just brightened my day! Good.... long enough, but you have the rest of your life.

Now go speak to the police and stop worrying about what they will think.

The good him is the fake bit, he only uses the hooks you need him to to keep him in there. Your job is to make him feel all powerful and mighty through his systematic erosion and destruction of you.

He will never change - unless you count getting worse as change.

Get him out of what’s left of your life, understand that your safety and security is at high risk, and people exactly like him can hurt, maim and kill, and do.

Look at the recent reports about the 8 stages of abuse. It’s bang on the money.

I say this as a former abuse sufferer, and someone who has worked in charities to help other abuse victims.

I lost 10 years of my life to that prick, I saddled the best son in the world with a useless abuser as a father - hate myself for that!

However... life goes on. I can’t tell you how much my life has improved, yours can too, but you have to take a deep breath, get rid of this awful man and not stop until he’s history.

If he stalks you, call the police, if he contacts you at all, no acknowledgement at all, tell anyone who tries to contact you on his behalf that they have had their one chance and mention his name again and they too will be out of your life

Don’t spare anyone in this, no matter who. Narcs find us because we’re conditioned to accept abuse. So you may find your ex enlists your family members to get you back to him, they get banished too - be ruthless

Your very existence is at risk here! Take this seriously

(((Hug)))

I too wasted YEARS on a couple of partners like this. Yes, more than one!

Please don't waste the time we did OP, you have a chance to get out of the situation before sharing a home, marriage or kids. That is rare and precious with this kind of toxic relationship.

Call Suzy Lamplugh Trust as a priority, they honestly would tell you if you're over reacting or would be wasting police time.

I promise you aren't, at all, I believe you need to report him ASAP. But hearing it from a professional I'm sure would help you.

We are strangers but concerned for you and happy to hold your hand through this.

Again don't waste this opportunity my love, if you don't disengage from him for good this time then you'll have to go through all this again.

Dig deep, get the first bit done (call the Suzy Lamplugh trust) and you'll have support from a couple of different sources then.

Oh and if you ever feel yourself doubting this decision, make a list (someone mentioned it earlier) of all his abuse. This could also be useful for the police?

I don't need to look at my list now. I should pull it out though just to show you how similar these abusers are. When I think of the ex now, I rarely remember the good times. They always give us good times because if there was nothing good, we wouldn't stay or go back. But like most everything else about them, those good times are a facade and are tailored to the specific target of the moment.

When I think of him now, I see our last holiday earlier this year. We had sat down at a table in the restaurant after ordering our fish and chips and tea. It was a lovely day, the sound of the sea lapping on the shore, sun beaming down. Sure, he had already been mean with a back-handed compliment about my figure a few days before, but I swept it under the rug. We had had great sex and I was feeling relaxed.

We had been taking loads of photos of each other. He looked so sexy sitting there with the sun beaming onto his tanned face and his shirt slightly open. I whipped out my phone to capture him. Instead of saying nothing, he scowled and snapped at me "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? PUT THAT THING AWAY NOWWWWWWWWW!!!"

You know that is my main memory of him, not all that long ago, and there are countless more incidents I don't even care to recall or mention. The point I am trying to make is that I really only remember him as that.. the scowling, unhappy, verbally abusive twat who had to ruin anything and everything beautiful.

It was a lovely photo of him. I have deleted it, and all others. But that face scowling and cursing is who he really is and I now accept that.

I think he will be back. He always is. But this time, I am different. You WILL feel like this. But the only way to get there is to block him in every way possible, cease contact and work on making your own life beautiful again.

One more thing... the guy I was involved with was divorced twice.

He was really cagey about why his first marriage failed. He said it "just never worked out, there was no spark, nothing else, I think she may have cheated, but we ended it amicably". I found him searching for her online. One day he spent almost 7 hours searching. I found her myself and sent her an email stating he was desperate to find her and here was his number.

At the time I was so naive. I thought he abused me because he was so in love with her still. WRONG. Her response was "Piss off". Clearly someone who, in hindsight, was either still harbouring some resentment, or maybe afraid???

He triangulated me with her, going on and on about the great sex and how much she loved him and even when he walked out of their flat for the final time, her very last words were "I love you!!"

Second wife had a restraining order on him for alleged violence. She said he hit her. He denied it and said he kicked her up the arse for being lazy...

HOW STUPID I was.... second wife did a runner while he was out of the country. He said she was lazy for not wanting to care for their child and going out to work instead. He, of course, did not work, but resented caring for his own child.

All the facts are there, sometimes you don't need to read between the lines, sometimes you do if their con is a good one and they give you something you're missing in your life. I bet your ex has a history of abusing women and he may well be on file with the police already if truth be told.

OP don't be afraid of the police not believing you. The safeguarding officers are trained to deal with these situations and they understand that these men are highly manipulative and full of shit.

Even IF he says he's doing this because it worked before, you have made your position clear now and the police will be able to see he is blatantly ignoring your wishes. It only takes 2 incidents of unwanted contact to constitute harrassment by law and he has done well over that now.

Unfortunately some of them do keep this up for a very long time. One of my exN's dragged it out for 6 months. He stopped for a fee months and then started it all up again by sending flowers to my workplace. Unfortunately they keep you in their 'list' for a very long time, almost like a toy they put back on the shelf for a while.

I have reported harrassment for far less than what is happening here and the police took it seriously. They have had to review how they respond to harrassment cases because they know in many cases of murder by an ex partner, it was proceeded by stalking and harrassment.

Yes, unfortunately some of them do keep it up. My ex popped up after a whole year and six months after I had been through health problems, family health problems, work issues... and guess what... I was lonely and went back.

Some of them never give up.. I have read of some people getting texts or FB messages after a DECADE. Why? Not because the abuser has regrets, finally realises they behaved like an absolute twat and have actually changed.... nope. They come back because you are still on the supply shelf in their mind and it is easier to go back to previous supply than to sniff out and con new supply. Or that is, until the target wakes up fully.

I liken it to the Matrix film, with Keanu Reeves taking the pill.. the red one? - and finally waking up and never going back because he sees how he has been used and abused by the evil system and wants to take his power back. And I think once you fully realise what you are dealing with is a sick person who can never give you what you need and deserve, moving on from it will become much easier.

For now though, get protection in place. Most posters on here are worried about your personal safety, and rightly so.

Op call 101 before it ends up being call 999 because it's getting very worrying now. No, it was worrying yesterday, now it's flat out terrifying.

Trauma bonding is definitely a good shout to research.

I don't know if that's what i had... basically you becomes so accustomed to the highs and lows of them being about, your body is constantly on high alert and when they are gone, you find you are still in a fight or flight state but with no...structure to it. So you feel lost and panicky.

When they were nice you felt a million dollars but when they weren't...you felt like your world was falling apart. And the good treatment became less and less and like a drug you missed it and kept trying to get back to that.

I always think of Angel fish now because they have that light they dangle in front of their eyes to draw you in close and then - snapidy muchity crunch lol.

Only took me about 3wk no contact to feel better but I'm sure it varies. Maybe if I'd known what he was at the time I could have shook it faster. Maybe try some breathing exercises n make sure you take the time to look after your basic needs (good food n rest ect).

Hope the police will help. And dont worry 20 voicemails in your phone is more than a good enough reason to call them.

Also, you can break up with anyone you want, simply because you want to. You don't owe him anything and the police certainly won't feel you are to blame in any way, because you aren't.

lovefraud.com/category/recovery-from-a-sociopath/

@Gemma1971, I totally get what you mean by the matrix analogy!! Its like you've been living in a different world when you realise the truth. Sadly, nearly all my relationships have been with narcs bar 2 (and they were emotionally unavailable in other ways).

I also have DC with narc exH and I second that it is like a life sentence of misery.

How are you doing OP?

Yea all good Thankyou 😘

I havent heard from him all afternoon so this is good.

I googled trauma bonding this afternoon and something just clicked....I didn't feel sad....I just felt like a sense of relief....but I guess that comes with not hearing from him aswel. Hoping it lasts 🤞🏼

I haven't had chance to ring 101 yet....

What will I expect when I do? Who did you say to ask for again?

I would ask for someone who has been trained recently in stalking and harassment / a safeguarding lead. If you'd prefer a female officer then ask for this and they'll see what they can do in my experience x

Have a look at my post at 11.16 where I shared some thoughts on the kind of language to use when explaining his behaviour

OP keep going ... I did 20 years and it's taken nearly 5 to get over home
So many lovely men out there and you have so much to offer x

Yes I screenshotted what you told me to say!

So will they speak to him straight away? Or will they just log this?

5 years 😱😱