Narcissistic boyfriend

[whattodo12345]

Hi....just wondering if anyone has any experience with this?

I'm a total paranoid wreck but can't seem to get out?

You need to call them OP and ask the next step and likely timings - it will depend force to force on your specific case. I really would try to speak to them soon my love, I worry you'll talk yourself out of it otherwise. You have all the info they'll need for now - let us know how it goes

I truly wish MN had been around when i was with my narc ex. I could have done with it tbh.

My story is very similar to all the others - manipulation, lying, gaslighting, cheating (though he would swear blind he was utterly faithful but he did sleep with a work mate of mine), isolated me from my support networks, APPALLING with money and extremely manipulative with money, long history of people doing him wrong (never ever his fault)

In hindsight he had friends but always new friends - noone from before i knew him and limited contact with only a select few of his family - he had pissed everyone off (again not his fault )

Funnily enough it was something relatively small that made me say Enough after he had tried to reel me back in for the 3rd time. I did no contact which was a bit easier back then as no social media.

He still managed to ramp up his campaign in RL with suicide attempts, taking out loans against my address and then moved into a house 2 doors down from me.

I did stay strong with lots of help (especially from my dsis) and eventually after a year i met Dh and life is great.

As to him - he got kicked out of the house 2 doors down (not paying and accused of stealing by landlord) as i predicted. There was then a sequence of events that led to him being formally diagnosed with NPD. Last i saw was in the local paper - he had been convicted of assault.

OP don't panic we have dcs so harder to go NC! But I was convinced I loved him even with terrible behaviour... freedom program sorted that!

I promise I'll do it tomoro.

It's my day off so I have no excuse 😊

I feel so much better than the last few nights tho....stopping stalking him really helps.
I know I'm at the beginning but I really think I can do this 😬

You totally can op, you're doing good :)
But phone them tomorrow, even if you don't hear from him. Also double check you've locked up tonight before you call it a night.

Doors are always locked now!
But yes I'll do it tomoro 😊

Here's to a good nights sleep!

Thankyou guys x😍

Well done OP - remember you promised! We just want to see you safe, have a good sleep tonight and let us know how the call goes tomorrow

So....I'm just writing down my don't cave list....all mine is to do with trust....not actually being abusive as such!
Writing it all down tho....how the hell did I forgive him for so much 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Well I would say he was in fact abusive. I am sure the police would confirm that. He broke a glass over his head in front of you and you had to go to hospital with him?

That constitutes coercive control at the very least. He did it why? You broke up with him? There is new legislation in place about abuse and it encompasses verbal abuse as part of DV.

I did not think I had been abused either. Had the police seen his emails, they would have told me differently.

A friend is currently going through this BTW. He ended up hitting her as she would not go back to him. She had gone back to their home to pick up her clothes. He was there and he punched her. She has a fractured cheekbone. She knows she should have told the police about the stalking and harassment and refusal to accept it was over. Now they are involved. Don't even let it get that far. For her, it started out with small things and escalated.

Stay frosty. Stay sharp. Don't rationalise or excuse and nip it in the bud.

Does he make you feel like everything is always your fault?
Does he say really nasty things and then act like nothing happened?
Does he make you feel like you need to record a conversation because he is either gaslighting you or making no sense, talking in circles?
Does he acuse you of these things?
If the answer is yes to all these, he sounds like he could be a narc. I used to date one and he made me confused, miserable, angry and hurt. god knows why I kept going back to him but they are utter charmers arn't they? My advice is to research into this and be sure. Watch a few Youtube videos by Angie Atkinson and if things are starting to ring bells just leave. You're not happy either way so that's my best advice. Don't go back.

Yea I'm so glad I have realised now tho!

But I have had to stop writing it all down as it's making me angry and making me want to message him and just say to him how could u do all this to me....but I no it won't get me anywhere! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sorry that is happening to your friend! I hope she is okay. Can't believe how common all this is!

@Debbierocket123
He does turn things round on me all the time!
Like I'll question him about something because I dont trust him....and he just says...."don't get like this"
So then I feel bad for even asking! 🙄
When really it's his fault I'm asking as he has lied and cheated on me so much! 🤦🏻‍♀️

I really want to fast forward a year if I'm honest!

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics

@whattodo12345 today's the day - give them a call, I hope it goes ok

But when it was good? I have never felt so “seen” and so loved by anyone in my life.

This. This. This!

I think part of the reason we felt so 'seen' is how intensely they can focus on us. I realise now that that isn't chemistry or love though, it's actually the way my dog looks at me when I'm holding its' food bowl. It has nothing to do with love, I just have something he really wants to devour.

I felt like this too and agree its partly because they focus so much on us during lovebombing but also I think it's part of our projection of our own good qualities onto them (e.g we are not liars so we assume that of them) so we ultimately fall in love with ourselves because all of the 'good' they appear to have has been projected by us onto them. They also figure us out to create their facade so they can appear like soul mates. They copy all of our likes and dislikes in the beginning. It's all part of then con.

So I have reported it.

Why do I feel so sad about it?

And why do I feel sad and hurt that he isn't trying to contact me? Surely I should be glad? But I don't 😫 what is wrong with me?

Had one go through my fb and like a big long list if everything I liked once. I took it that he was trying to hint he liked me. Actually he was mirroring - trying to con me into thinking we were very alike... and probably didn't realise I'd see he'd liked it in a big list like that xD looking back I should have seen it as creepy...but ah I was a sucker for a handsome face :/

He's just trying a different tactic and thinks silence might work. Chances are it wouldn't have lasted long as they have no patience. In a few days he would have been harassing you again. Or worse, that link someone posted up thread that said when they go silent - worry. As they are planning their next attack (in the links case - to murder you).

Hopefully the police will give him a good dressing down and he'll stop harassing you. Bet anything you'll bump into him months from now though/get a message with him trying to hoover. Then just remember, don't engage, he cannot give you closure, he cannot change, he's just in the hoover.

You're bound to feel a little sad,you're newly single, everything else aside. And mourning the loss of something you once at least, thought was real. And probably scared that you might end up in a similar situation I'm future because you didn't spot him. But that's all natural and you'll feel better in time. Just keep reading up on the subject and work on building up your 'self love' again. Its a new chapter in your life :)

"Why do I feel so sad about it?

And why do I feel sad and hurt that he isn't trying to contact me? Surely I should be glad? But I don't 😫 what is wrong with me?"

Trauma bonding. Stockholm syndrome. Look it up, you feel sad and possibly guilty due to biochemical bonds with the abuser.

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/

*on the hoover even xD

They have gaping holes in their psyches

They pour all the things THEY want/need onto you for you to pour back to them.

But it’s an insatiable and voracious feed they need, and we can’t give them the supply they crave so they demand more and more and more and then it gets cruel.

The “good” them takes a Herculean amount of effort. They aren’t good/nice, they are cruel and evil. Over time they have you hooked/trapped then they can relax and let the real them out

The “good” them vanishes because it never existed in the first place.

We end up chasing the “good” like a gambler chases the big win to cancel out the loss.

The other thing to be very aware of once you’re out of a relationship like this is that it’s adrenaline that powered the decision to leave, but the adrenaline does wear off. So expect a blip, expect a wobble, be ready for it and remind yourself that you are worth better, and the sooner he’s out of your head, the sooner you’ll be the best version of you, you’ll be happier and healthier - just as you should have been all along

Stay strong! You can do this!

And why do I feel sad and hurt that he isn't trying to contact me? Surely I should be glad? But I don't 😫 what is wrong with me?"

Maybe because you just want someone to love you. Maybe you have abandonment issues, maybe you are codependent. There could be many different reasons.

You really need to get to the bottom of this through self-reflection or counselling so you don't accept another abusive relationship. Sadly, having accepted one you are more likely to tolerate similar abusive behaviour again.

You need to not back down.