Narcissistic boyfriend

[whattodo12345]

Hi....just wondering if anyone has any experience with this?

I'm a total paranoid wreck but can't seem to get out?

*And why do I feel sad and hurt that he isn't trying to contact me? Surely I should be glad? But I don't 😫 what is wrong with me?"

It appears that on some level you see any attention, even abusive, as better than none. I do not know what insecurities fuel this belief, or how deep seated they are but for the love of god, talk to a professional.

Your vocabulary like ‘fighting for’ ‘I care too much’ seems to be used by you to abdicate your responsibilities to yourself. You can not change behaviour (yours, not his) you do not first acknowledge.

The last two posts are spot on. I had to recognise all this in myself.

OP I'm so pleased you're taking steps to remove yourself.

From my perspective, grey rock has worked immeasurably. I can now be silent, I don't offer solutions, I don't intervene in arguments between exH and the children unless they're particularly onerous or 'deep'.

He's always been content with me doing the emotional work with our children; all the while basking in the reflected glory. Now that I've stepped back a bit I can see how adversarial he truly is. I've been putting myself in the firing line for over 15 years in order to protect the kids and bolster their confidence and sense of security.
I've organised family meetings since our split to give the kids a voice, to keep lines of communication open. I hoped it would help all of us move on. Sadly (or not) the children feel the meetings are pointless, that we just go round in circles without achieving anything.

Actually, they're right and can see and accept things I took forever to see. I was misguided on.thinking that rational, logical, constructive and open.communication would break down his barriers.

I'm not doing it anymore, the.children are content with the contact arrangements as they stand. That's enough for me.

Sorry for essay...this thread is cathartic but also triggering (such is life)

OP, believe in yourself. Respect yourself. There is no closure with people like him.

we just go round in circles without achieving anything.

Pretty much the crux of every conversation with a narc. I feel your pain @aufaitaccompli, having children with a narc is brutal. We've been 3 years LC and 1 year NC and life is so much better without him and his toxic grip on my DC. I'm lucky that he is serving a long prison sentence so it has been thrust upon him but the fear of when he gets out never goes away.

If only I had read this thread 16 years ago. Life would have been very different.

You've done so well OP and have some excellent support on this thread. Keep staying strong

Oh OP well done! I feel really chuffed for you that you've taken steps to keep yourself safe.

Totally normal to feel hurt about them not trying to get in touch and then feeling scared and angry if / when they do. What you're feeling is counterintuitive but totally normal IME and part of the process.

You're doing really well I was worried yesterday that you wouldn't report it so I'm really proud of you!

Have they given you an idea of next steps? If not then it's worth following up in a few days to ask for a plan of what will happen next - will he be getting a warning / a visit etc.

Well done again OP

Thankyou guys!

I think your right about the counselling thing...,I'm just not sure how to go about it?

Reading this thread really reminds me why I'm doing this, even if he's not a fully blown narc...,what he's done is terrible and I'm not happy so need to get out either way! Just so shit!

They said someone will Contact me in a couple of days that is more equipped at dealing with stalker cases....I guess then they will talk to him if he contacts me again? I'm not really sure....he wasn't very helpful but it wasn't his department so he did all he could

Counselling wise can you afford a few private ones to get the ball rolling? You can look for them on counselling-directory.org and filter by location / type etc. Some do Skype sessions now which can be helpful.

I'd see your GP too and get on the waiting list for counselling but the wait can be unbelievable - 6+ months in most places.

They said someone will Contact me in a couple of days that is more equipped at dealing with stalker cases..

This is really, REALLY good and a great sign that your local force will be able to support you. Some would fob you off or just assign someone available (my dad is a copper so not having a go at them, they are under so much pressure with ever decreasing resources) so the fact they know to pass your case to someone fully trained up to date on stalking is great.

And like you say, it doesn't matter if he's a diagnosed narcissist etc, his behaviour (no matter what label it comes under) is totally unacceptable and you are doing the right thing.

Well done OP

yes, doesn't matter re. label as Curly says. The smashing glass thing on his head or whatever is the only reason you'll ever need to get away from him; total nutter.

I think someone mentioned about the adreniline thing when you are getting rid of someone awful; or the sadness, or whatever.

I was thinking this morning its like a big bowl of dirty lukewarm washing up water. It might be yuk but when you get rid of it you can feel like you're now faced with an empty bowl. Especially if all your energy has been directed at that bowl of dirty water. But, gradually, the bowl will fill with fresh new water; it may be a trickle for months. You just have to be patient, and if there is some emptiness or sadness for a while, its just temporary, you can ride it out if you are determined.

Absolutely, op. The label isn't important. He's abusive and you wasting your previous life on him.

If you are in the UK, look up the BACP. It will list counsellors by area.

You may be able to get reduced cost counselling through your GP or with counsellors in training.

Precious not previous

I will try private counselling depending how expensive it is as I really don't think I would be able to go to the doctors with something like this 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yea I guess I just wanted to put a label on it as then least it explains why he's been like he has and then it makes me feel like yes he will never change....don't go back!
I just have to keep telling myself no matter what he has said in the past it's all lies!

I'm so up and down at the minute it's unreal 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am having CBT at £60 a session. It’s been invaluable.
Just treat yourself with kindness, take each day at a time. Each day that goes by you will be able to see more clearly about what’s been happening and gradually get stronger. Take it slow and realise the emotions you feel will change daily. Soon you will feel more neutral about what has happened. Sending you 💐

Just reading at our being codependent....it describes me exactly....so I think I have caused my ex to be like he is 🤦🏻‍♀️

so I think I have caused my ex to be like he is

Come on now, the only thing you need to take responsibility now is learning from this.

Remember we said earlier that there's no use ruminating over why he is the way he is? Remember that!

Him smashing glasses over his head and being a wanker is NOT caused by you. And it doesn't matter what did cause it because you no longer need to psycho analyse him. Time to focus on yourself

And that focus should be now honed in on learning from the horrible experience of being in a toxic codependent relationship so you don't allow history to repeat itself.

But what if it was my first relationship that caused me to be like this in this one?

My ex husband and I grew up together and I naturally did everything for him etc.

So when my most recent ex didn't need me and I got upset by it.... oh I dunno....I'm just thinking maybe I'm the problem 🤦🏻‍♀️

Nope.

The reason I have been in a number of codependent toxic relationships is because it's all I've ever known and it's learned behaviour.

So I take responsibility for my part in repeating the cycle, but I don't take responsibility for ex partners hitting me.

I have been drawn to men who exhibit the behaviours I have come to expect and accept. They have been drawn to women who expect and accept the behaviour they exhibit. None of that makes their behaviour ok.

Hopefully you can get to a similar way of thinking.

It wasn't him not "wanting" you that upset you, it was him being cruel, aggressive, violent and a liar.

I think it would be good for you to focus on some ways of moving forwards eg counselling, some new activities, reconnecting with friends etc or you're in danger of spending all your time psychoanalysing him and it won't help you at all.

Don't play the blame game, focus on what you can do to make you less vulnerable and lots more happy in future

It appears you are more focused on understanding why he did what he did than on the reality of what he did to you.

Are you wanting to blame yourself to excuse him so you don't have to leave the relationship? Because that's what it sounds like.

He is an adult. You didn't make him abuse you. No one has the right to abuse you.

I also think that this would usually be a period of the relationship post blow up event where he would be minimising to get back into your good books ready to start the cycle again.

You're maybe going into default mode and doing what he used to do during this period by going over what "made him" behave the way he did to find reasons and excuses (like he would have done).

He made him behave that way. Simple as that.

Don't talk yourself out of this progress OP!

Oh no I'm not trying to get out of it....as no matter what happened the bottom line is I'm a paranoid wreck when I'm in a relationship....he doesn't reply for 5 mins and I'm stressing thinking he's with someone else, it's awful!

But I guess I'm just feeling bad for putting all the blame on him when now I think maybe I made him the way he is as in putting him and his rugby before me etc...,when really that's completely understandable 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

Guess this is just another phase I'm going to have to ride out 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's normal to feel all over the place. You just have to push through with the knowledge that this was an unhealthy relationship that caused you a great deal of angst and pain; and you deserve to be loved in a healthy way.

I think I deffo need to see someone and work on myself 🤦🏻‍♀️

Just echoing that what you're feeling is totally normal.

Keep your eye on the prize (being happy) and try to start building a life around yourself separate to your life with your ex and separate to any other potential partners for the time being.

It's really important now that you learn to get comfortable with yourself and be happy single. When you are in that position you'll be much better placed to them have healthy relationships moving forwards.

All the heartache and hard work now will be worth it, promise! You've got this

Op you may have stayed with him longer and tolerated more than you should have in part because of some codependency issues (which he nurtured) but you didn't cause him to be abusive. It's just what he is.

Just remember in just the last 3 days alone he has stalked you, not taken no for answer and left you 20 voicemails! That's batcrap crazy xD

We've all been there OP. I always used to wonder if I had behaved differently, would it have changed the way the relationship panned out? If I had not behaved in certain ways, would they have been different? The answer is 'probably not' because they are who they are, regardless of how you behave. The only thing you can control is how you go forward.