Narcissistic boyfriend

[whattodo12345]

Hi....just wondering if anyone has any experience with this?

I'm a total paranoid wreck but can't seem to get out?

Oh and people are their credentials, not their potential.

It is not your job to make someone a better person. You are with who they are now.

I want more for you OP

Thanks guys!

Do I do it via text like the website suggests?
As I know he will worm his way back in if I see him in person?

Do I explain why? That I think he has narcissistic traits and that I'm not happy? Or just leave? I don't think the latter is fair?

Yes do it by text. Be firm and I wouldn't mention his narcissism as they hate to be called out on it. Just tell him you no longer love him and the relationship is not working for you. Make sure you tell him you do not want any contact from him (you need to show this if the police need to be involved). Block him straight away. If he posts letter, bin them without reading. Don't answer the door to him and if he tries to approach you outside your house, tell him firmly you will report him for harrassment if he doesn't leave.
I know you think this all sounds harsh but it really is the only way. he will use emotional blackmail and cry and beg and pull at your heart strings to try to get you back.
Think about it. A normal person would be upset but they would just accept it and move on. Why would you stalk someone who has made it clear they don't want you? Its not normal.

Tough love below OP but answering your questions based on my experience x

As I know he will worm his way back in if I see him in person?
He will try - will you let him? If so then do not see him in person

Do I explain why?
Why would you if it's over? It's over, you don't want to be together - that is reason enough. Rinse and repeat. See below.

That I think he has narcissistic traits and that I'm not happy?
Absolutely not. At all. No. He will not accept this. He doesn't really give a shit if you're happy or he'd have been kind to you. He wasn't, so it's done. He hasn't made you happy - it's over.

Or just leave?
Tell him it's over. Block him, delete his number. It will feel a bit shit (speaking from experience) but he will likely soon project this behaviour onto someone else and leave you be.

I don't think the latter is fair?
It's not about what's fair it's about what is right for you. If you want it to be over and feel like he will be able to persuade you otherwise if you meet in person then do not met him in person.

Come on OP - it'll be a shit few days but then it's done

Everything that@crappyday2018 said too! We've been there OP - rip off the plaster now and it will be easier in the long run!!

You will probably question your decision afterwards. You will also probably start to only focus on and remember the nice bits, which in turn will make you wonder if you've made a mistake. Write a list of all the narcissistic things he has done and keep reading it as a reminder.

Never call a narcissist out on being a narcissist (its like rules number one through 100 lol).

Just text him 'It's over, do not contact me again'. Don't try to explain anything, don't agree to meet him after no matter what he says. If he comes to your house to harass you again, call the the police. Same if he in any other way won't take that its over for an answer.

Good luck! Stand firm!

Oh PS: change all your online passwords just incase and if you gave any mutual friends, be careful as he will use them to spy on you. Don't accept any random fb friend requests either.

Oh and on the off chance he threatens suicide, either drop his family a message or call emergency services and advise them of what he has said. He is likely lying, as abusers often use this lie. But the ambulance people will determine that.

God this is sounds so harsh and I know your right!

Just so hard when I had literally planned my future with him and have never found a connection like ours 🤦🏻‍♀️

Right thanks ladies....I know what I have to do! 😕

Don't feel sorry for him, he isn't like you or I, he's a predator. They fake being hurt when they lose control - in order to get back control.

You can do it :) keep us posted x

I'm sorry @whattodo12345 I know it's shit but you'll feel so much better when it's done

Just to prepare you, you may well get one or all of the following responses:

• I'll hurt myself if I lose you
• I've never felt like this before and I got scared so i pushed you away
• I didn't know what I had until I lost it I'll never make you sad again
• My ex fucked me over so I didn't think I could trust anyone but now I know I love you..:

Etc etc bullshit bullshit

Get past this difficult first bit and in a month or so you'll look back and think thank FUCK! I promise

Haha or maybe
-you'll never do better than me!
-no one could love you as much as me
-everyone thinks you are mental/bad/stupid and I can do better

• it's your fault I cheated because...
• but you're the only one who understands me
• you're overreacting/too much drama.
• you only care about yourself!
• youve misunderstood me! Waaaaah poor hard done by me, no one understands me!

We could turn it into a game of bingo if it wasn't so depressing. Hopefully he won't get a chance if op deletes and blocks.

@ThatCurlyGirl

Yes I have had all that before....but that was before I read up in narcissistic people and now I know it was all just words...

I always said to him actions speak louder than words and his actions say he hates me! Why have I not listened to my gut?

All the promises he made....it's been 2 weeks and he's already back tracking.....he just knew what I wanted to hear 🤦🏻‍♀️

I got the following:

• You're throwing away something amazing
• noone will ever look at you like I do
• I've been nothing but a gentleman, loving, caring etc etc
• How can you do this to me
• You had someone who is crazy about you and this is how you treat him

then

• I need to explain things to you (more guilt tripping)
• I won't plead or beg (would have pleaded and begged)
• I won't try to change your mind (why bother then)

They all follow similar scripts

Never ever tell a Narcissist you think he’s a Narcissist. Keep that knowledge to yourself. Remember, knowledge is power.

I personally would try and avoid narcissist injury - so best not to blame him - they can also get nasty.

Just say it’s not working and you want to end things.

PS They are likely to continue to contact for supply in the future. Make sure you cut off as many avenues as possible.

Good luck. You’re well rid. Life can begin again for you.

Never ever tell a Narcissist you think he’s a Narcissist. Keep that knowledge to yourself. Remember, knowledge is power. I personally would try and avoid narcissist injury - so best not to blame him - they can also get nasty.

This!!!

Just think at least three people who don't know you on this thread have told you word for word what he'll say, and you've confirmed he's already said it all - he's basic, textbook and not worth your time.

This probably hurts right now but IME they find another partner victim quickly and project the same behaviour onto them. So hopefully if you absolutely cut him off then you after a couple of weeks you won't have to deal with him anymore.

When the fog lifts their behaviour seems utterly ridiculous and suddenly you can see how "control by numbers" it's been!

Hope you're feeling ok - stay strong

@crappyday2018
God....that is all so familiar it's scary!

I have tried to end it so many times and each time he is like...." I won't fight for you this time, if you go then that's it"
Yet he would always fight for me even more than my husband of 13 years did! Says a lot I guess!

I'm so glad I started this thread!

Just finding the courage now x

You need to check this site OP. It's brilliant.

lovefraud.com/

All the best!

@whattodo12345

I won't fight for you this time, if you go then that's it

Ah lemme guess - the old, you should leave, you're too good for me, I don't deserve you etc

He doesn't deserve you! I don't know you but I'm still excited for you to move past this guy and onto your future

So people with these narcissistic traits.....do they tend to always be looking for there next person?

So people with these narcissistic traits.....do they tend to always be looking for there next person?

This is not relevant to what you need to do. You do not need to try and understand him.

You just need to end it once and for all with this STALKER and CHEATER and have nothing to do with him again.

Diagnosing someone you are far to close to and aren’t qualified to is pointless. Your focus is on his issues and you appear to deliberately ignoring your own.

I repeat, the only power this man has over you is the power you’ve surrendered to him and you need to understand why. His ‘special’ power is to focus on and feed your anxieties. He tells you what you want to hear because he knows that you will not only listen but also, place a disproportionate value on hearing them over the reality.

This man knows your weaknesses and knows how to exploit them. If you understood them better, you’d be better prepared to protect them. Please, please invest in your emotional well-being by understanding yourself better and that most probably means professional support.

Other lines to add:

“I’m not a bad person, look at all the good things I do for you, you never remember them”

“Your are not perfect yourself (insert whatever flaws of yours you might be really sensitive, but I overlook your flaws because I love you”

“I promise I’ll change”

“I’ve booked an apt with a therapist/psychiatrist, I’ll do anything to be a better person for you”

“I’m just so scared of losing someone as amazing as you, it’s self sabotage because I don’t value myself”

🤢

Along with possible suicide talk.

Then, if none of that works... nasty messages telling you all the things that are wrong with you... block, delete, tell him you will inform the police if it doesn’t stop.

Oh, and block third parties, any “friends” you have in common need to be told you don’t want to hear anything about him. Anyone who tries to pass messages on his behalf needs to be avoided

Mine told me, during one of his jealous rants, that I was a narcissist.

Days later I said to him “you must have thought that to say it?”. First, he got angry because I was “bringing up the past” and “making him feel bad”.

Then, rather condescendingly, he said “Well, even if you are, it doesn’t matter, because I still love you”

At one point, when he was unravelling a little, he said to me, in a panic “You don’t think I’m a narcissist do you?”. When I said no (I was back in the FOG and felt sorry for him) he said “oh that’s good then”.

Actually, I’m starting to feel sorry for him again now, must stop!

I left him and he announced he was going to kill himself that day - he announced “I am going it FOR you, because you deserve better”. He never did.

He could be a right nasty twat. Really awful.

But when it was good? I have never felt so “seen” and so loved by anyone in my life. And he did do lots of lovely things. 6 weeks no contact and still so bloody confused.

I think he has borderline personality disorder actually - diagnosed with bipolar though. But then, what does a diagnosis matter, when someone is hurting you, they need to go

(Sorry, not trying to hijack OP 😳 I was trying to show empathy but have started banging on about myself, still a bit caught up in it !)

My god!

All these are so relevant it's crazy!

Right so I am about to right him a message ending it....
What do I say?
Do I explain why? I don't feel I can't just say it's over and block him as I know he will turn up at my house. And then I'm weak! 😢
I don't have the heart to call the police....as I still can't quite believe everything he said was an act!
We talked about marriage 😢