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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Narcissistic boyfriend

284 replies

whattodo12345 · 26/08/2019 13:03

Hi....just wondering if anyone has any experience with this?

I'm a total paranoid wreck but can't seem to get out?

OP posts:
bunintheoven88 · 28/08/2019 20:35

As @ThatCurlyGirl said watch out for him setting up another email to contact you that way, my ex sent my DAD an email saying 'hi Buns dad hope you are well, can you please show this email to Bun thanks' and then went on for a good 12 paragraph about how horrible I was and my family and my friends.

Just wow 😂

whattodo12345 · 28/08/2019 20:59

Thankyou guys.

I really am taking all your advice on board and it's helped me so much....considering the friend I asked to go out with tonight cancelled on me....even tho she knows everything 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have locked myself in and haven't heard from him so this is a good sign

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 28/08/2019 21:23

I'm so pleased to hear that OP well done - we can be the next best thing to IRL friends when they bail 

God @bunintheoven88 they really are all the same aren't they! Mine is a musician and sent a demo song about me to ALL of my family and friends. Reader, it charted fairly highly a year or so later but I only realised he'd released it when I heard it in a Starbucks.

Most surreal moment of my life 😂

bunintheoven88 · 28/08/2019 21:33

@ThatCurlyGirl Urgh I bet it makes you cringe when you hear it 😂

@whattodo12345 You will look back on this in the future like I'm sure all of us have and thank your lucky stars he is no longer in your life! I hope your ok and aren't too worried tonight. Does your friend live close?

offinabit · 28/08/2019 21:34

14 years with a horrible narc here: the emotional and narcissistic abuse has broken me as a person. Get out fast - the red flags are there so don't ignore them or rationalise them, honestly, getting out now is the best thing you can do for yourself. Do check out YouTube Dr Les Carter "Surviving Narcissism" channel, he is superb & there is one video in particular when he describes the different types of narcs, as they aren't all the same. You might find that helps to confirm your situation and affirm why leaving asap with no contact is the best thing for you. Good luck & run for the hills! X

crappyday2018 · 28/08/2019 21:36

I'm genuinely starting to wonder how many of them are out there. I was chatting to my next door neighbour yesterday. She has split with her bloke because, in her words, "he was a narcissist". She then went on to describe what he had been like!

ThatCurlyGirl · 28/08/2019 21:38

@bunintheoven88 oh it really does make me cringe! And all my friends know it's about me because he sent the demo version to everyone and they couldn't resist listening 😂

In fairness it's a bloody good song (I mean tbf the muse was a fucking saint Wink) but surprise surprise it paints him as a tortured soul who lost the love of his life because he's oh so complicated. Nah mate, you're just a nob!

Sorry to derail OP I'm so pleased you have somewhere to vent especially if friends bail on you - I know the feeling where sometimes you're about to cave and you just need to be snapped out of it for a second or you'll regret it!

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 28/08/2019 22:05

God this thread is bringing back memories. @ThatCurlyGirl, my exN thought of himself as a musician too but his 'music' was utterly utterly terrible. He painted himself as a tortured soul who's children were stolen away from him. In reality he was awarded visitation by the courts and spent his once a month visits shagging as many local women that he could and getting drunk. What an absolute loser!!! He also sent my family messages when l left him saying why he would never get back with me Confused. How I ever willingly had sex with this man beggars belief. He also called me crying saying he was so devastated that I'd left him that he hadnt left his bed in 2 days and had pissed himself twice (oooh, I REALLY wanted him back after that 😂)

I've read estimates that 10% of the population are narcs and about 1% are diagnosed as NPD. 1 in every 100 people is still bloody terrifying!! I think once you learn how to spot them, you start to see them everywhere!! Its sad to realise I've wasted so many years and been through so much heartache over these weak, pathetic idiots!!

I agree with getting an STD check OP, they are often riddled!

Miniloso · 28/08/2019 22:06

Read this OP, it’s amazing.

www.amazon.com/dp/B01CUOPKF8/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

crappyday2018 · 28/08/2019 22:07

I'm booked in for my check next week so I suggest you do the same OP.

Miniloso · 28/08/2019 22:08

Sorry, UK version

Your Brain on Love, Sex and the Narcissist: The Biochemical Bonds That Keep Us Addicted to Our Abusers www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01CUOPKF8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_B0UzDbD864Z19?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Miniloso · 28/08/2019 22:09

It’s an essay, not a book - but an amazingly insightful read.

ThatCurlyGirl · 28/08/2019 22:26

@Jaffacakesaremyfave god if they only realised they really ARENT a rare breed! Maybe they could start a band in our honour...
"CurlyJaff and The Narcissists"

Looking back I at least got some funny anecdotes out of that ex and our ridiculous relationship.

I just remembered how he also romanticised / sexualised my mental health issues.

"I love I can feel all your ribs because it means I can feel all of you"
(SHUDDER, yep that'll be the anorexia)

"it's sexy I basically get to shag two different girls depending on your mood"
(bipolar diagnosis had just come through - spoiler alert it isn't a mood and you sound like a dick)

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

How are you feeling @whattodo12345? See there's no need to feel embarrassed like you said earlier - loads of us have gotten reeled in by this type. You've recognised it though and now have an invisible army of MNetters who won't let you feel sorry for him!

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2019 22:36

The whole playing you off/running back to an ex thing is textbook too. Google narcissistic triangulation, its an eye opener.

Basically they compare you unfavorably to someone or even something else or use it to make you feel like you don't quite measure up. I had one use America, as in, the country America xD for this believe it or not. He would go on and on about how he wanted to live there one day because there was nothing for him here ('gee, thanks'). Funily enough, married a girl and mived there...two years later he moved home without her, complaining that he hated america. They are never happy with what they have. But they enjoy using that fact to make sure you are on edge and miserable too.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 28/08/2019 22:49

CurlyJaff and The Narcissists does have a certain ring to it 🤣

That's so completely fucked up that he romanticised serious health problems but then I guess it makes sense as they are only happy if someone else is suffering.

Techway · 28/08/2019 23:35

I've read estimates that 10% of the population are narcs and about 1% are diagnosed as NPD

In addition its estimated that for every NPD person 5 "victims" are harmed.Ex is on his way to his 3rd marriage and no doubt countless gfs before/after marriage. This statistic may not include the harm to children.

It is the reason why PDs are being highlighted because it appears to be increasing and the impact/trauma following a NPD relationship is getting recognised.

Those who are fortunate to not been involved with a NPD partner seem to suggest its exaggerated but anyone who has knows the difference between "badly behaved" and "personality disordered".

whattodo12345 · 29/08/2019 07:08

I love the band name 😂 does have a ring to it 😂
I can't believe he used to do that about your mental health tho that's awful.

Are they all sex mad tho?

Like mine we had the most amazing sex, I think that's the only reason we stayed together so long tbh....but he would make me feel bad if we didn't have sex....

But yea I'm okay....had a wobble last night and got really upset....I can't stop stalking his profile 🤦🏻‍♀️ I know I'm crazy! But when I don't hear from him I think he's obviously with someone else and it makes me go mad....I'm hoping this feeling won't last long tho!

Also woke this morning to 2 voicemails....1 saying he can't believe I can just cut him out I must not of cared that much (he always uses that Cos he knows that got to me) and that if I'm with someone else please just let him no as it will make it easier...
Then the 2nd voicemail was " I have just driven past your house to see if your car is there, I'm sat outside now so least now I no your home in bed"
Also pleading me to talk to him as this is so unfair!

Why is it hearing from him knowing he's suffering makes things easier for me? ☹️ am I also deranged?

OP posts:
PotatoShape · 29/08/2019 07:16

He's not suffering. He's angry, don't forget that you are in the most dangerous time for women. You've left a narcissist.
Grey rock him. Be boring. Let him think he has actually 'played a blinder' in getting you do do the dirty work, be the baddy etc.
Don't let him back into your life.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 29/08/2019 07:21

Come and join the band @whattodo12345!!!

Mine have all been sex mad apart from one who used to withhold sex. He had ED and was cheating on me prolifically even though his dick didnt work but he was very covert and sulky. The others saw sex as an my obligation, wanked over porn constantly and cheated. I even caught one filming me under the covers without my consent. Fucking vile!!!

I really think it's time to ring 101 OP. Him driving past your house to 'check on you're is not OK.

Everything he said is to manipulate you because he knows it works. Did he care about you when he was out with another women cheating? Did he care about you when he was lying to you and not keeping promises? Did he care about you when he was destroying your ability to trust in other people? Look at his actions not his words and keep reminding yourself of what he has done to you. All the tears you have cried and all the love you wasted on him! Remember, he doesnt have the capacity to love. He's just an empty shell of a person with nothing but a facade to make him look human.

I think its normal to want someone who has hurt you to suffer. To think that they care enough to beg you back but you have to remember that it isn't what it seems. He isn't able to truly miss you for you, only the supply you gave him.

Keep watching videos on youtube about it. Little Shamen is one of my favourites. It will help you understand why he is doing this ans will make you see his tactics for what they are.

Also block him on facebook. You need to go cold turkey here. Now is the time to pour all of this energy into taking care of yourself. Just bear with it, even if at times you wobble because I promise when you are free from all of this craziness you will look back and realise what a gift it is to finally be rid of him and learn never to be taken in by a manipulative person again!

whattodo12345 · 29/08/2019 08:25

He's blocked on everything it's just I have a work account that I can still see him on and I have all his passwords so curiosity got the better of me last night and I logged on 🤦🏻‍♀️ god I need help!

So things have escalated since my first message...
He turned up this morning banging on my door and wouldn't leave but I had to as I had to leave for work!
Basically he just starts saying all the same stuff of how he will change, how can I do this to him after the weekend we had.... blah blah blah!

So I'm going to ring 101 today.....just really thought it wouldn't come to this....plus my neighbours love to gossip and I didn't want to give them something to gossip about 🤦🏻‍♀️

I just don't understand why he would beg me this much when he could have anyone else 😢

OP posts:
bunintheoven88 · 29/08/2019 08:52

@whattodo12345 I'm sorry he turned up this morning that must have been horrible.

He is making an effort because he knows he can manipulate you, and finding somebody else he can manipulate will take up his 'precious' time.

Remember it isn't specifically you he wants, he just wants someone he can easily manipulate and you fit the bill at the moment. Sorry if that is hard to hear but it is true.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 29/08/2019 08:59

It's the right thing to do @whattodo12345. Just remember that he has chosen for this to happen. You are not 'doing' anything to him. You're protecting yourself from a crazed person who only means you harm. Also, fuck the neighbor's. I know its embarrassing but you'd be surprised what goes on in other people's houses and his behaviour is not a reflection on you.

Most of us have been stalked by our exN's so it isn't because he truly believes what he is saying. Often they want to get you back so that they can discard you. All they want is to win, they are like children in that sense. For example one of my exN's slept in his car outside my house and accosted me on my way to work declaring his undying love. The fucker owed me 3k at the time, do you think his 'love' for me made him pay me back? It was a very expensive lesson but I try to think of it as therapy I paid for because he was the last straw for me in terms of narcs and gave me the impetus to finally learn all about narcs and work on myself to understand why I kept finding myself in these batshit relationships.

I know it's hard not to snoop but it really does set you back days of hard work so block him from that account too.

Let us know how you get on with 101. Wrote down a timeline of events with every voicemail, call and when he has shown up etc so you can explain it clearly to the police.

Gemma1971 · 29/08/2019 09:14

I just don't understand why he would beg me this much when he could have anyone else 😢

99% of them do this, the stalking, pestering. Doesn't mean they love you, it means you are excellent supply. You gave him attention, emotional responses, you can be manipulated. Please don't be like me, I thought it meant he loved me. He emailed, rang, WhatsApped constantly from Ireland begging me not to leave him..... I am embarrassed to say I lost count of the times I went back because he PROMISED it would be different. It always was, for a few days or more. The the covert insults would start, the gaslighting, the criticisms, hostility, flirting and ogling with other women, the lying about dating sites he was using, the hot to cold and back again moods.

They are not normal.

I am 48. I was 38 when this all began. I missed out on dates with good men. I still get attention but hell, I am not the same person. I feel somehow cynical and tainted sometimes. But I have learned what to watch out for.

Be wise.

Make a list. HE CHEATED. He keeps going back to her. He treats you like an object. He is incapable of love.

Stop listening to the voicemails. Stop looking at anything to do with him. A work page?? Do you really need to look at it? His aim is to break you. He may do this by taunting and trying to make you jealous. Be aware also he will already have someone else or a few people to have sex with and to get validation, most of them do this. He will keep this hidden from you unless he needs to use it to hurt you. Then bam he will reel you back in through a weak point, your fear that someone else gets only the good parts and not the bad.

They ALL treat ALL partners the SAME.

My ex was on dating sites THE MINUTE we had an argument. He would then deny it. He had no idea his email was still open on my laptop. Straight onto all sorts of dating sites. His explanation? I must have clicked on something accidentally.

The mistake targets of these con men make is to think we are special to them. We aren't, we simply have qualities that allow us to be hooked and conned. They always have more than one and they do not love.

Stay strong and speak with the police about your concerns.

Pinkbonbon · 29/08/2019 09:14

What bunintheoven said. Plus he is angry at you for daring to tell him he can't have what he wants. He isn't hurt, he is angry. It is all about control and he is angry that you can't be controlled anymore.

But in a way he is suffering as he will never know compassion, empathy or love. He is doomed to repeat the same nasty crazy patterns for the rest if his life. Never being happy with anyone he is with, and hating them for being able to make their own happiness without leaching it out of others. It would be sad in a way, if he wasn't a monster. But he is. We don't feel sorry for the clown from IT right? xD

Its like he's a kid seeing another kid with a trainset (so say, you with your freedom/self worth/happiness). He didn't really want the trainset but how dare this child be happier with this one toy, than he is with anything. He wants to get the toy and break it because he is a nasty, gluttonous, spiteful little bully.

Step away from the computer!

Definitely call 101, its escalating and something official needs done asap.

Windygate · 29/08/2019 09:15

So your stalking him as well? You do realise that your accessing his accounts will be recorded?
Cancel the gym membership, delete all his passwords etc and enrol on the freedom course.

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