Narcissistic boyfriend

[whattodo12345]

Hi....just wondering if anyone has any experience with this?

I'm a total paranoid wreck but can't seem to get out?

I don't mean to be harsh but he doesn't stalk you because he's so in love with you, he needs to get you back because you wrecked his ego. In his head he will be thinking "how fucking dare she end things". He wants you back to punish you.
It is natural for you to feel bad about all this of course. I did, and my relationship only lasted 10 weeks.

Definitely call 101 today.
Ask for the DV team and log everything.
Then contact Womens Aid.
Ask them about their Freedom Programme and attend in person as soon as possible.
You can also do it on-line but attending in person is better.
Order the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that?
You will find him in there.

Stay strong OP. You are doing so well.

Mine hoovered me back 3 times by saying the same things but HE DID NOT CHANGE. In actual fact he got worse. I had left him each time but he only wanted to horribly discard me to ‘win’. Everything is a war with these men. Nothing they say is true. They have no moral compass, no integrity.
It is the hardest thing when they are saying the love you etc. They do not love anyone, the can’t. It’s not personal.
They do not love you, they only love what you are giving/supplying them. They are ultimately weak, disordered people, chock full of disfunction. They are incapable of being on their own, of living with the emptiness within themselves.
In the end I accepted this, and realised it was impossible to have a relationship with someone who’s void could never be filled, who moved the goal posts continually, who was a pathological liar and serial cheat.
I was stronger (eventually) on my own. I only want to be with another partner if he is strong and has integrity.
Nothing about these people is normal. It’s not healthy, it’s not love.
He’s going mad because of what he is about to lose, not because of his love for YOU.
Do not give up any more of your life for someone who does not love you, who has no morality, who will continue to harm you.
You will end up lowering yourself to his level and become an insecure shell. Do not waste your beautiful happy life any more.

@Gemma1971

My ex was on dating sites THE MINUTE we had an argument. He would then deny it. He had no idea his email was still open on my laptop. Straight onto all sorts of dating sites. His explanation? I must have clicked on something accidentally.

Yep same here - during our relationship I was tipped off by friends that he was on dating websites numerous times. His reason? He needed a confidence boost because our relationship (ie me) was making me feel so bad about himself aka my fault.

And guess what? AFTER we split up I joined tinder and he went fucking mental, how could I get over him so quickly, how could I want to sleep around (never have, never will btw), how could I humiliate him.

So in his mind, HIM being on tinder DURING our relationship was justified but ME being on tinder AFTER our relationship was justified - aaaargh!!!

And now I'm going to speak directly to you lovely OP. Tough love time again.

stop it

You are going to cave if you keep looking at stuff. You need to download something called "cold turkey blocker" - it is a legit search engine extension so will not cause any viruses at all. (So you cant use that as an excuse!)

You put in any url you need to not be looking at (in my case his specific fb, specific instagram etc - so you can't see them. (This is for his specific pages so you can still use fb and insta for other stuff). You can set a time for it to be active and it can't be reversed for that time.

IT IS HARD TO CLICK YES AND DO IT BUT ITS SO WORTH IT.

More than a year on I still have it turned on just in case I have a moment of madness or curiosity that could potentially spiral me.

Is that something you'll consider? You can join our super cool band if you do

Also look at this and let it sink in.

People like him are ALL THE SAME.

Ugh that was meant to say

So in his mind, HIM being on tinder DURING our relationship was justified but ME being on tinder AFTER our relationship wasn't justified - aaaargh!!!

That diagram of the cycle is brilliant. I went through that SO MANY TIMES ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The waste of my life, my time, my LOVE and my resources. The fucking flights to Ireland I paid for 99% of the time. And then the abuse, I would leave, no contact, he would draw me back in, instead of hopping off that bloody sick-making merrygoround for good, I would be in that transition phase and I would go back.

I don't know how many times OP has been through this cycle, sometimes I call it Wash, Rinse and Repeat. I sincerely hope though for her sake that this is the last time. Took me too many times.

He even ruined our holidays to Spain, France, by saying jerky stuff to me, flirting in front of me, then being super nasty to me afterwards, then denying it. Then he would be nice and it would aaaaaaaaaaaaall start again. I was in mini-cycles on our holidays, I see that now.

That's a really useful diagram!!!

I know it is hard not to look at sites he might be on, believe me, I’ve only just stopped 6 weeks on. But be assured he will be true to type and find another supply super fast, if he hasn’t already. You know this. There is no point in giving yourself any more pain by seeing it with your own eyes.
Get through the break up as quickly as you can. You will feel deep sadness and feel devastated but this does not last, then you will feel angry and empowered (best part!) then you’ll feel acceptance and clarity. Don’t keep looking or you won’t get through this process as fast as you could.
You know what you will find. Don’t do it.

And believe me, if you did go back god forbid, he will have another (or more) woman lined up. They are weak, unstable men. Be strong!!

"So in his mind, HIM being on tinder DURING our relationship was justified but ME being on tinder AFTER our relationship wasn't justified - aaaargh!!!"

Yes, because they see people as objects, possessions. In their minds, you are kind of on a shelf where they can come back to you at any point and pick you off the shelf and recommence the cycle.

But woe betide you call them out on their hypocrisy. They will gaslight and word salad you into oblivion. LOL. I can laugh now.

I was lucky. He is a flight away, albeit a short one. And he is too selfish to physically stalk and too tight arsed with his money to fly to the UK. But in OP's case, I would be very worried. Her ex has shown the propensity towards physical violence quite early on. This really needs the police.

@Gemma1971

Glad you found the diagram useful and can see it now - it seems so obvious once you're out but is hard to explain to others, I had it printed out on my fridge next to the very articulate list of mine I like to call "remember he's a cunt and these are the reasons why". It definitely helped!

He even ruined our holidays to Spain, France, by saying jerky stuff to me, flirting in front of me, then being super nasty to me afterwards, then denying it. Then he would be nice and it would aaaaaaaaaaaaall start again. I was in mini-cycles on our holidays, I see that now.

Yep mine liked to do that on all "occasion" type days. Always a big fight before a wedding / christening, stony silence on the way and then lovely to me in front of other guests but still horrid to me when out of earshot if others. I called it the "selfish sabotage" - basically any special day that wasn't about him he ruined in advance.

Ooh and Liked to make us late too with the arguments beforehand so he could have a go at me for us not being on time. It all seems so clear when you look back doesn't it?

Took me ages to not feel like I wasn't enough and could have just been more placid and gone along with what they wanted to keep the peace.

OP I hope hearing the stories of other people who have been through essentially the same relationship is helping you see you can break the cycle like we did

Yes they are all helping me stay strong and not fall for all his chat again!

I have had 7 more voicemails this morning. I'll ring 101 on my lunch break as one of the voicemails said he's not giving up! And he will keep turning up until I give him closure and meet him u person 1 last time 🙄

I'm started to get fed up now....I have just deleted him off everything, photos etc, my work account and his number! I have never been threw a breakup where I was still in love with the person so I guess why I'm finding this harder!

What I'm confused about tho is 8-9 weeks this went on for last time? Surely that's not normal and if he has someone else he would give up with me?
(That's actually me wishing that would happen btw)

I just want this to be over now ☹️

Once he is threatened by police he should calm down a bit.
All this 'hoovering' has worked for him in the past so he is assuming it will work again.

Unfortunately Narcs very rarely let go completely of their 'victims'
They can continue even when they have a new partner.
Believe me!!!!
Mine stopped eventually.
But honestly.... 8-9 weeks is nothing!

Keep ignoring him.
Report and let the police give him a warning and hopefully he will back off when he realises you are deadly serious this time!

Yep it really is time to call 101.

Be firm, don't minimise (eg don't say I'm probably making a fuss but... etc).

Tell them he is continuing to contact you despite no reply and use the following kinds of wording:

• It has quickly escalated from unwanted digital communications to him physically coming to your home uninvited

• He has this week left a voicemail saying he will never give up

• You have started to have to change your routine for fear of him physically confronting you

• He has driven past your house to check where you are and followed you back into the gym to attempt to engage, so you are concerned he is watching what you are doing

• He has left over 30 unwanted voicemails when told you want no contact

• You want to speak specifically to a safeguarding contact or someone recently trained in stalking (the laws surrounding this are relatively new if someone has been on the force quite a while

What I'm confused about tho is 8-9 weeks this went on for last time? Surely that's not normal and if he has someone else he would give up with me?

This is normal because HE is not a normal person. But he is a very normal narcissist.

If you feel overwhelmed or worry you are making too much of a fuss (YOU ARE NOT!!) then consider calling the Suzy Lamplugh trust's helpine. They are THE best organisation for stalking awareness and guidance. They are amazing.

What I'm confused about tho is 8-9 weeks this went on for last time? Surely that's not normal and if he has someone else he would give up with me?
(That's actually me wishing that would happen btw)

They usually have multiple supplies and you were easy to manipulate and obviously loved him, so he does not want to lose good supply.

You are right, it is NOT normal. But it is not about you. And most targets don't get this early on. Eventually you will see that though, with time and distance. The minute he leaves your door/is done ringing, he is on to the other supplies or trying to hang onto other women who have ditched him.

They lead devious lives. But it's not about you. It is about the energy he is feeding on. Eventually he will leave you alone.... when you stop giving him any opportunity. You will probably need a restraining order. Please don't forget to tell the police about the glass breaking incident.

I think he is dangerous. Don't underestimate these types. He has shown you who he is. That could be a bottle in your face next time. Or acid. Please be VERY careful.

The time to call the police is the very first time you think "should I call the police?"
So yes. Do it. Call them now.

Yes I was just about to say...do u think I have made him worse? As before when he did this I would always go back and I have even told him that I'm flattered he fights so much to be with me!

He would always "yes inspite of everything I'm still fighting for YOU because I LOVE YOU!

So I think I have made him worse 😫 so will the police still take me seriously?

The police are used to these situations. They have specially trained DV staff.

Most women take their abusers back 7 times on average. They know this happens. But they still do their job.

There is a scary statistic out there on how many women are murdered every year by a husband or boyfriend. Please don't even doubt yourself. What you did before was normal, human. But he conned you to go back to him, even though you KNEW you needed to stay away. It's called love bombing. Then the abuse starts again.

Remember, you are the target of a con man. They understand this. They have procedures, they will not judge you.

It's just all so crazy....I never thought it would come to this!

Yet u saying that makes me think his ex....when we split up back in February she fell back into his trap and met up with him....when I text her and said look thanks for your help (this was his suicidle stage because I split with him) but we're back together I can take it from here (this was off his phone as he got drunk and she wouldn't stop ringing) she went mad at him and said I'm not your rebound I was trying to help you and you use me like this!
It's mad to think all he put her threw he can get her back just like that 🙁

He always used to have someone as a back up....everytime we split.....but this time he hasn't....but maybe that's why he's so determined not to let me go....because he hasn't got anyone else this time!
Hahahah....good....is all I can say 😂

""yes inspite of everything I'm still fighting for YOU because I LOVE YOU!"

They do not love, they use people.

If he loved you, he would not have cheated, triangulated, lied or abused you repeatedly. He is sick. You cannot help him. YOU need help from the police. I think it is an excellent idea to contact the Suzy Lamplugh Trust, as another poster recommended.

You sound very vulnerable and doubtful and I am not surprised. Can you get support from your parents?

Most women take their abusers back 7 times on average. They know this happens. But they still do their job

This.

And shit yeah I forgot about the glass breaking incident, absolutely include this as soon as you report.

Remember, even if he wouldn't have turned into a physical threat to you then reporting it doesn't have any negative consequences for you. But if he is going to turn in that way (and he sounds very capable of it) then you may have saved your life.

This really is a case of better to be safe than sorry. They will likely issue him with a PIN notice which is a warning. After that it will be arrests for stalking if necessary, followed by a restraining order if he breaches the terms he agrees with the police eg no contact with you or attempts to contact you.

I don't like to scaremonger but he has the potential to be dangerous so please get the ball rolling now. He may well back off if the PIN notice is enough of a scare for him. It will involve officers actually speaking to him in person so will be a reality check.

Don't be a statistic, protect yourself.

But surely he will use that as an excuse to the please?

That I used to like the fact he fought to be with me? He's so convincing it's unreal!

I tried getting across to him this morning that it's just the way he is but I don't want to be with someone like that...without telling him what I know!
But Jesus....I wanted to tell him!

Excuse to the police* 🙄

Yea once when he kept driving me around in his car and wouldn't take me home I said to him....we're gunna be one of those couple that because u can't have me no one else can do you kill me or us both....that shocked him and he then turned round and took me home!

I hope you stay strong on this. You are in the fortunate position to have no real ties (children, mortgage, marriage etc) with him. It's much easier for you to make a clean break how things are now.

I had a baby with a bloke like that, although he didn't really fully show his true self until after DD was born. There were red flags; love bombing, jealousy, slight delusions of grandeur; but generally he acted like an ok bloke, there were just snippets of narcissistic behaviour. After DD life was truly shit, he had no reason to hide it any more. The mask slipped and stayed off. Even after I split with him he made my life hell for years. I had to get a non molestation order in the end. Thankfully I now live abroad and me and DD are well out of it.

If you don't want a life like I just explained, don't go back. If you do go back, that's what your life will be and you'll be a shell of yourself. There will be no happiness in your life. Narcissists get worse, not better. The fact he's this bad now and the mask has slipped before he's even got you tied down says to me that he has the potential to be much worse than some.