Narcissistic boyfriend

[whattodo12345]

Hi....just wondering if anyone has any experience with this?

I'm a total paranoid wreck but can't seem to get out?

Does any of this ring true with you OP? blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2018/06/rescuing-resenting-and-regretting-a-codependent-pattern/

I think its understandable to feel a bit frightened OP. Once you realise "who" they really are, it can be a bit scary.

But you do have a card up your sleeve. Remember, legally, I believe it is harrassment if you ask someone clearly to stop contacting you and they continue to do so two more times after that. So you can contact the police for advice. Or, you could try Womens Aid if you're scared and don't know what to do. If you're scared you might "cave in" that is slightly different. You just have to stick to your guns. Play "grey rock" if necessary. But you will most likely have to block him everywhere - social media, emails, phone. If he comes to your house again when you have told him you don't want anything more to do with him - it really is harrassment. They are very crafty as well. But don't give in. Don't be surprised by any antics or out-of-the-blue behaviour to catch your attention. And be prepared to contact the Police; threaten him if necessary - you might find him beating a hasty retreat then.

Remember - knowledge is power so keep attuned to that understanding, and you can pull through this. You know what he is, and that is your ace card (though of course never share it)

If helping someone comes at the expense of your MH then it isn’t helping, it’s something corrosive and ultimately very destructive. Couple that with non existent boundaries and you have the perfect environment, for twats, bullshitters etc to migrate to.

@Jaffacakesaremyfave

Ummm some of it does!
Especially the bit where I can't say no 🤦🏻‍♀️ I will make excuses rather than say no....it's so frustrating!

@BaloneyBar

Thankyou! All i am doing is reading up on it and your right....do not tell him it can make him worse!
As at the moment I really don't think he knows what he is doing, he genuinely believes everything evolves around him 🤦🏻‍♀️

Although I do think I understand Agent's pointed frustration earlier, I just wanted to add a general point about this.

If you find yourself in danger sitting in a boat offshore in a storm - the most important thing to do is to get back to shore safely, and most likely all your energy will be focused on that. Of course, once you're back, you can reflect on how you found yourself in that position, did you heed weather warnings, etc etc. But at the time, your first priority is to act to get away from the storm and back to shore. So, I am not sure how useful it is to engage in alot of personal self-reflection at a possibly dangerous moment in time when you need to act for your own self-preservation.

re. everybody being an amateur Narc detector, again their is some truth in that. I had a friend who told me she went out with a "psychopath" once - of course I was shocked and appalled. When we discussed it, it really came down to him being a bit difficult and she was just using the term colloquially. However, I think better understanding can really help - because their behaviour is very confusing and seems to make no sense. Once you understand it all falls into place, in a common all garden way. And, rather strangely, in the process of this you can also come to understand yourself a little more.

Finally, as Curly has said a few times, a boyfriend doesn't have to have a personality disorder to be dropped. They can just be ordinary unpleasant people who treat you badly.

So he turned up...knocked on the door and left....

Then I get a very angry voicemail....

I don't think he's going to give up without a fight again 🤦🏻‍♀️

Change your phone number. And yes you do need counselling. You have probably have rescuer syndrome.

Well done for not answering the door or responding to him. It gets easier.

@Getmyfrownupsidedown

From that article: “To this day, in Thom's mind, I didn't leave him because he was abusing me, I abandoned him”

He's a total whack job op, i hope you can see that now.

But great job not responding to his bullshit. If he comes back call the police. I know you don't like the idea of that, but he is clearly unhinged if he hasn't got the message by now so if he comes back call them. That's what they are their for so don't worry about inconveniencing anyone.

You can do it op. Reminds me of a magnet I used to have on my fridge that said 'better to have loved and lost than loved with the psycho the rest of your life' xD persevere with this hard stuff for a wee while and it'll all be over soon.

*there for
*Lived with

Oh and they know what they they are doing - they just don't care.

Its like a five year old throwing a tantrum in the supermarket because it wants sweets. It doesn't care that you are on a tight budget, it doesn't care that it is stressing you out, it doesn't care what other people think, it just wants sweets and hates you for saying no.

Your feelings don't matter so long as you give him what he wants. Which, funnily enough, is full control over you and your feelings.

An angry voicemail? There you go, he's not getting his own way so he is turning on you. This will only get worse and the very worst of him will come out. In some ways that's good because you will then realise what he is really like. However, I hope you don't have to endure too much more.
If he was a normal, healthy person who genuinely loved you, would he get angry? no!
Stand your ground OP, you're doing great.

How's things op?

He didn't come back!

But I have had a few more voicemails! It's so annoying that even tho you block someone than can still leave you voicemails!

I'm going out with a friend tonight incase he turns up again.

Thanks so much for all your help!

Everytime I think that he does love me I just re read this chat and I'm doing so much research online it reminds me that he is textbook!
Turning everything round on me....just typical!

Good stuff! I was gonna say vary your schedule so he doesn't know when you're coming and going.

Think if it this way op, you ended it and he's already sent you, what 4 or 5 angry voicemails? Posted a letter through your door and came back over to try catch you in. Not the product of a sane mind.

Please tell your pal that much at least and i'm sure she'll agree. Oh and maybe don't drink tonight incase it makes you want to call him xD

If he leaves you many more voicemails I think it might be wise to pop into a police station and have a quick word with someone just so that it's reported, maybe they would offer to have a chat with him for you. Sometimes knowing that you are taking it that seriously (and seeing that you are protected) gets them to back off quicker.

Can you turn voicemail off for a while, or ring you provider and ask them?

Well done on everything.

I had no idea narcs existed until my early 30 and the majority never know of their existence.

You have had a horrible experience, but ultimately, you now know better and going forward, you will be happier because you will be able to spot them way way faster and be confident in yourself to remove yourself from their sight.

It is a battle now but you win the war. You get to live a better informed life while he will always be an arsehole.

I really don't want to scare you OP but you are already in stage 5 www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-49481998

Please get the police involved if he continues to harrass you. You need to recognise that these men are extremely dangerous.

My friend knows everything! She has never liked him and has always thought there was something wrong with him. But no matter how much she told me I would always go back!

My local police station is useless....it's only open like 9-3 2 days a week and I'm working those days! But I'm hoping it won't come to that!

He left me 7 voicemails last night and then I have had 3 this morning! Just saying to unblock him and he won't message me....it's a ploy tho right?

I'm going to try and deactivate voicemails today

@Jaffacakesaremyfave

My god 😱
The last time I broke up with him we did end up in a&e because he smashed a glass over his own head Cos he got angry that I went on a date!

He also wouldn't let me out his car once!

But I think this time if I keep him blocked he will just move on!

But now I am tempted to ring the police if he turns up again!
What is the number? I don't want to waste a 999 call?

Just saying to unblock him and he won't message me....it's a ploy tho right? yes it's a ploy. In his mind, if he can just get you to speak with him then he will be able to manipulate you all over again to take him back. It's worked all the other times right?

They often try to get you to meet in person after you talk to them on the phone because they know then that you are likely willing to take them back.

You are in serious danger here OP. If he turns up again, ring 999. You can ring 101 and report the harrassment now and they will log it as a job and make an appointment for an officer to come out to your house.

I have been through this with 2 separate narcs and both times I didnt report them immediately, the harrassment escalated. One even contacted my employer making false allegations about me to try and get me fired. It went to court but he didnt turn up and there is still a warrant out for his arrest.

These men are absolutely batshit and you have no idea what he is capable of. Save the voicemails and call 101 as it is important evidence.

If the police don't take it seriously, ask to be put through to the safeguarding team and mention the article I linked today. Tell them about his past controlling and abusive behaviour and anything that he has done that fits with coercive control.

Common coercive control tactics

Isolating you from friends and family
Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
Monitoring your time
Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
Controlling your finances
Making threats or intimidating you

He hasn't done any of those things!

It's all the false promises when I leave him....and the cheating and the self centred ness I can't deal with!
It's not as bad as some but he deffo has traits and turns everything around all the time!

I have deleted the voicemails 🤦🏻‍♀️ I'll see if I can recover them!

I don't think he's as bad as some narcissist but deffo does have a temper on him. The voicemails have stopped now tho so maybe he's giving up this time quicker....went on for 8 weeks last time before I finally caved in again as I did miss the way he made me feel when things were good 🤦🏻‍♀️

He doesn't have to do all of those things to be controlling. Those are just common examples and are more towards the extreme end of the spectrum. He IS intimidating you by harassing you, he is controlling you by refusing to accept your decision to end the relationship. In terms of isolating you, it's not always as overt as them telling you to stop seeing X, its often done more subtly where they will decide someone in your family doesnt like them and use this as a reason not to go over to their house or socialise with them etc. This is done to eventually draw a wedge between you and someone who is a threat to them and you end up taking sides and seeing that person less. Or they tell you someone was mean to you when they weren't etc.

What I'm trying to say (badly) is that these warning signs can often be seen manifesting in more subtle ways and I have made the mistake of thinking it's not that bad because it was done so covertly. My exH for example decided all of my family hated him for no reason (ha!) and refused to attend family events even though they had supported him financially many times.

The last time I broke up with him we did end up in a&e because he smashed a glass over his own head Cos he got angry that I went on a date!

You say he's not as bad as some but the above is pretty batshit OP. I think you have lost perspective about how bad this man really is. He did this as a way to control you. To make you feel guilty for leaving him, to make you come back. This is done for the same reasons they threaten suicide, to control you.

Actually when you say it like that he will never ever come to any family occasions....or anything that I invite him too....always has an excuse to why he can't come!
Sunday for example...I had a bbq to go to he said he might pop along later....then just as I'm about to go home he then says oh okay I was going to pop in and say hi 🙄 I then obviously said no....
But it does make me not want to go to occasions because I liked to be with him....mainly because I didn't trust what he was doing if I wasn't 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thinking about it this time last year when he got back from New Zealand....he convinced me not to go to a family wedding and to spend it with him 🤦🏻‍♀️ how stupid was I to actually do this! ☹️

Can I just add....when I got with him I had just got out a 13 year relationship....I never done breakups or dating or anything....so all the times I broke up with him and he would fight like crazy for me back I thought it was normal because he didn't want to loose me hence why I was flattered....and then would promise me the world!

God I can't believe how naive and stupid I have been 🤦🏻‍♀️