Narcissistic boyfriend

[whattodo12345]

Hi....just wondering if anyone has any experience with this?

I'm a total paranoid wreck but can't seem to get out?

Deep but fair baloneybar. I've started to reduce it simply to darkness is always looking to stamp out light because it is jealous and hateful of it. Perhaps that's too spiritual or simplified for the human psyche but I feel it describes what those sorts do to a tea.

Jaffa is always on point! I've realised I don't necessarily attract narcissists, there are just a lot around. And before I knew what they were, I assumed the good in them. I assumed good in everyone i cared about. So when their behaviour deviated, I tried to explain that as my own misunderstanding/a mistake they had made ect... now I know what these sorts are, I see them for what they are and the true motive behind their actions and when they show me what they are - I run for the hills.

I don't think I've ever been codependent, but I was perhaps too nice and too naive. Learning about them has helped me considerably. I still run into them, sometimes they still take an interest in me but I can get outa there fast. So you you have to be codependent or have low self esteem ect....to attract them (they aren't picky) but there is usually some work or other you need to do on yourself to stop them staying in your life. For me it was educating myself as much as possible on their true natures and how to spot them. I also listen to my gut about people now and am more aware of my own boundaries and when people are attempting go take advantage.

Great post pinkbonbon
They generally are attracted to the strong parts of you, the 'trophy' bits which they then use as a stick to beat you with. Your strengths become their weaknesses in their eyes.

All the world is a stage to a narc. Covert or otherwise. My ex would put people on pedestals and then swipe them down. He thinks nothing of bad mouthing others if he believes they make him look bad.

He'd speak in a derogatory way about others, including children. He was and is a person seriously lacking in character and empathy.

I also don't believe I am particularly co-dependent, I was definitely naive and pretty trusting. Currently the pendulum has swung so far the other way that I trust very very few.

That's what is healing me. Trusting myself first and foremost. Seeking and accepting the help I need and being open to growing. I have faith that a better life awaits us all and is in our grasp.

Can a narcissist ever change? What if it isn't narcissism they have and there just very selfish as they are an only child?
Could they change?

Absolutely not OP. Although they will say and do almost anything to deploy the hoover.

Check out narcsite.com

It will help.

All the behaviours you have described point to a middle ranging and therefore unaware narc.

No. Think of it like us being zebra and them being tigers. Tigers can't become zebra.
It's who.they.are.

Maybe its easier to think of him as a psychopath? They are pretty much the same thing. There's something fundamentally missing in him that cannot be gained.

Oh and I'm an only child and like to think I'm not particularly selfish lol (... .... XD) . It certainly wouldn't be an excuse for treating anyone the way he has treated you.

And narcissists aren't just selfish - they don't have empathy. That's not something that can be learned at his age, he either has it or he doesn't.

I'm an only child, OP and I'm not especially selfish . Narcissism is something completely different anyway.

If you read up about narcissism you will know they really cannot change. Maybe 0.0001% of highly aware narcissists might try (don't know how successful they are); but the vast, vast majority will never change, no matter how miserable they are. And the very few self-aware Narcissists (the ones who know they are) actually quite enjoy this knowledge, in fact in their mind their new self-knowledge delights and empowers them further. Thats why you should never tell them what you suspect or know or even mention the subject, its just more grist to their mill and means more fun mind games for them to be had.

Keep reading about it. You might even be obsessed on the subject for a while, but eventually you will move on to other happier things.

And to all those who came across Ns. I think there are quite a few out there. I wasn't particlarly co-dependant either. I had reasonable boundaries, reasonable intuition and reasonable self-respect. As au fait mentions they are even attracted to the strong and best parts of you as "trophies" (though they hate your strengths too and will want to destroy them).

But in my mind I "wanted" a relationship, too much I see now, and that made me more likely to overlook things and go along with things. I was vulnerable at the time and looking for a relationship after many years single and I thought it was time for some fun.

Get out now and don't look back OP; any chink in your resolve and armour and they will attempt to get you back in their supply circle. Where other people see boundaries, they see annoying obstacles that in their mind are irrelevant to them anyway.

Can a narcissist ever change? What if it isn't narcissism they have and there just very selfish as they are an only child?

Unfortunately not OP, they have absolutely no insight into their own behaviour and do not feel empathy so even if they could change, they see no reason to because they only care about themselves. Even if you cry and beg in front of them, they feel nothing but enjoyment of the power they have over you. What's worse is that they are utterly convinced of their own perceptions (I.e that they are the victim and you are treating them unfairly by asking them to do things they dont want to. You cannot reason with them and you cannot explain your point of view. The best analogy I've heard is that they see you as an object which they own, for example if you are their right arm and their right arm stops doing what they want, they will become angry and frustrated because it is THEIR arm. They do not love the arm, the arm is part of them and they must control it.

Also, narcissists are essentially in survival mode. They need narcissistic supply to feed their fragile ego. By acknowledging your feelings matter, it's like to them like saying they dont matter at all (which is the ultimate fear of the narc).

Its common for your mind to play tricks on you and start doubting whether they are abusive. Thus is called cognitive dissonance which is essentially your mind finding it too painful to accept the truth so you start to find reasons why he is not abusive.

If he was just a selfish person, he would be able to have empathy for you and there would be some way of getting through to him. You know this isn't the case because of his actions. His words are all bullshit to keep you under his illusion. You also need to ask yourself why settling for a selfish person is acceptable to you. Why would you even consider settling for anything other than love, trust, care and respect. This is the crux of your issue.

I agree you dont necessarily have to be codependent to attract a narc but you certainly have to be an empath who wants to fix people. Also, I agree that everyone attracts narcs to an extent but only deeply damaged people stay long enough for the relationship to destroy them (whether they were already damaged or damaged from narc abuse).

Gotta disagree with you there Jaffa, I'm definitely not a fixer lol. And I don't believe in empaths. Also narcs often find ways to entangle themselves with you making it hard to move away from them. One moved in with me in my student hall years and by the end of that year I was a mess. I suppose I could have changed rooms and dropped my whole social circle but she also took my course too so... I guess we can chalk that partly up to naivity of youth and sheer bad luck but it is an example that shows that you most definitely dont have to have prior codependency to end up having your life ruined by these sort. But I agree it can sometimes be a reason for staying with these sort. I think everyone has different experiences with these kind of people and while we need to look inwards, sometimes there's other factors at work too that can work against us.

Can a narcissist ever change? What if it isn't narcissism they have and there just very selfish as they are an only child? Could they change?

OP it's troubling this is the issue to you rather than the fact that regardless of whether a narcissist can change etc, he makes you unhappy and scared.

Yes he sounds like a textbook narcissist but if he isn't it doesn't make it any less justified to break up with him.

If you aren't happy in a relationship you have every right to leave - you don't have to have a verified reason

I probably am a natural empath , though I can be tough if I need to be . But perhaps it needs a weakness or vulnerability thrown in at the time to activiate the relationship with a narcissist - it could naievity, loneliness or aloneness, lack of self worth, pride, whatever... as Pink says it will be different for everybody.

Anyway - what CurlyGirl said: you don't have to be a narcissist to be an unpleasant and yuk prospect for a relationship. Some very nasty people are not narcissists but still require binning!

Yeah I think we can all agree be isn't the full shilling that's for sure and you aren't gappy with him so that's all that matters really. You don't owe him anything, if he doesn't make you happy then haul ass outa there lol.

*or happy even

@BaloneyBar kindred spirits!

I've been told I'm an empath many times too but tbh sometimes I think that because of a not great childhood I'm just keen to help people who are sad.

I feel a duty of care to any lost souls and have given away that kindness to other people who have taken advantage. But now I want to share that support with people who reciprocate and are kind to people too.

OP you sound lovely, stop worrying about why he is the way he is and start thinking about what your future looks like - and it ain't with him!!

OP. I have been where you are. It’s very hard to accept until you are removed from this situation and can see clearly - but they cannot change. No way, no how. It’s excruciating as they tell you they love you so much - and in their own disfunctional way I’m sure they do. But it is not a normal nor healthy love. It cannot grow or function properly. It can only damage and crush and demean.
The only option is to leave. There is no other option. You will be glad one day as I now. I feel sad some days but it was out of my hands. It is nothing to do with you. You are not to blame. You cannot fix a deeply damaged man. You will be happy again one day and in the light. He will remain the same, and never grow and stay in darkness.

It appears the OP is unwilling to work on herself, which increases the likelihood of her attracting similar minded twats in the future.

The OP’s ‘desire’ to understand him is an excuse, a justification to herself, to stay in a toxic relationship because she can’t acknowledge the extent of her vulnerability.

Diagnosing narcissistic personalities has become sport on MN and it’s often used by posters to distract themselves from their role in the dysfunctional dynamic.

This man is a shark and you insecurities is the blood in the water that attracts him. Focus on healing your wounds OP because sharks aren’t going anywhere soon and their natural instincts means they will smell your insecurities a mile off.

Yeah but cut her some slack pp, she's only just realised what he is. It can take a bit of time to realise that someone you love who claims to love you, actually hates you - and to wrap your head around that. Learning as much as possible about toxic people and asking questions (even ones that we wish she wouldn't like 'can they change?' which may worry us that she is still looking to excuse this behaviour) are a necessary first step in getting free (because then we can say 'noooo, they're sharks!' like you are peefectly right to have said :))

I know your all right...

So why do I feel I need to tell him and to help him?

I listened to his messages and all he says is this is stupid you don't want this and I can make it better. Just talk to me and we can make it better 🤦🏻‍♀️
Says he has posted a letter threw my door and he is coming over tonight....I have no where else to go 😫

Shall I just unblock him and msg him to say please don't come over I have said all I need to say?

@whattodo12345

'you don't want this'
He thinks that little of you that he is deciding how and what you feel. If you unblock and message him he will find a way to wheedle his way back in.

It needs to be a clean break OP or you will be in the same position but further down the line when you don't feel strong enough to leave him and possible have brought children into the mix.

DONT message him. I'm almost begging you here.

If he comes over call the police.

Diagnosing narcissistic personalities has become sport on MN and it’s often used by posters to distract themselves from their role in the dysfunctional dynamic.

I don't agree @AgentJohnson, I think learning about the characteristics can help you identify the abuse tactics they use so you can protect yourself in the future. It isn't about 'diagnosis' per se, but rather looking for patterns that point towards a narcissistic person (they share scarily similar behaviours). I actually found learning the motives behind their behaviour really healing as it helped me to see my own vulnerability to this type of abuse and why it worked so damn well on me in the first place. It also helped me to realise that they were never going to change (something that is very hard to let go of) and predict their future behaviour (hoovering etc.) so I could prepare myself for it.

OP, you cannot fix this man. You will destroy yourself if you try.

So why do I feel I need to tell him and to help him? I think this is something you really need to explore. For me, subconsciously I felt that if I 'fixed' a lame duck, they would somehow have to love me forever which is quite controlling in itself. Ask yourself why you are willing to fix someone who has shown you nothing but contempt, who cheats on you and abuses you. Why are you willing to sell yourself out for the sake of someone who cannot love you?

You really need to dig deep and cut contact completely. If he shows up at your house then call the police. Normal men do not do this when you break up, it is all part of his control over you and all he wants to do is reel you back in so he doesnt lose his supply. He will say anything at the moment to get you back, it is similar to a drug addict losing his fix but I promise you it's all words and he doesnt mean any of it. He will be back to his same old self within days if you take him back and the 'nice' bit always gets shorter each time you leave.

Find a way to distract yourself. I found youtube videos really helpful in making me stick to my resolve. I promise you will look back one day and be so glad you stayed away from this man. You already regret wasting so much time on him, why waste even more!

Okay....
So I have got home but put my car round the corner where he can't see it so he doesn't think I'm in....
Locked all doors and kept all lights off! This just seems so crazy!

His letter basically was all blaming me and twisting things about give it time!

I'm sat here....scared....can't believe it's come to this!
So tempted to message him and tell him to leave me alone but one of his voicemails said if u had got these u would of messaged me by now like he knows that's what I'll do....so I'm determined to prove him wrong!

Fingers crossed he knocks but then just goes home 🤦🏻‍♀️

If I could send a picture of the letter I would

Tell him he is not to contact you again in any way, any further harassment will be reported to the police. Please read all the posters who have spent time trying to help you.

Stay strong OP. You have to go no contact.

A nice man will own his behaviour and not blame you for everything.

As for Agent saying diagnosing NPD is a ‘sport’ on here... I won’t say what I’d like to about this comment. 😤

OP, surround yourself with supportive, kind people. Read ‘From Charm to Harm’ it’s brilliant.

I really do appreciate all the help guys!

But yes please give me a break....last week I thought the guy fighting for me was fighting because he loved me and I was flattered....now I realise it's all part of a game it's just hard to come to terms with!

I don't know why I want to help....I have this awful need to help everyone....maybe it's me that needs help....I don't actually know 🤦🏻‍♀️