Narcissistic boyfriend

[whattodo12345]

Hi....just wondering if anyone has any experience with this?

I'm a total paranoid wreck but can't seem to get out?

@LamotWamot its good to share our experiences though because that is what OP needs to hear. Sorry you're still feeling bad about your ex. Hopefully reading these threads will remind you that you absolutely did the right thing!

@whattodo12345

It's great you've recognised this and know what you want to do next. Well done for that, now you need to stick to your guns and it won't be too long until you're freeeee!

Is there anyone you can stay with for a few nights after you let him know you don't want to be in the relationship anymore?

Not even necessarily because he'll definitely kick off, just so you don't have to worry right away about how to deal with it if he does. It's horrid worrying about whether someone will be outside your place.

Plus it's nice at times like this to have someone close at hand to remind you why you've made the right decision and talk you out of caving!

@LamotWamot

How long ago was this for you?

@whattodo12345 he is a narc through and through. Regardless of this fact you have to call the police if he turns up at your house. Imagine it was a friend, you would tell them to do the same thing.

My ex was a narc to the point of getting his brother, brothers wife, sister and mother to contact me and tell me what a mistake I was making, then trying to turn my OWN family and friends against me, messaging them all repeatedly. My mum tore a strip off him and he backed off in the end.

I thank my lucky stars every single day i had such strong people around me to help me through that time and not allow him to infiltrate my mind any more. I hope you have family and friends you can speak to about this in RL.

Wishing you lots of luck OP, I PROMISE in a few months you will be thankful you got out of this relationship.

@bunintheoven88

That's the problem I have no one around me 🤦🏻‍♀️
And I think that's why I have given him so many chances because I get lonely and he says the right thing to make me feel so special.

whattodo I've been on my own 9 years. I get fucking lonely. But not so lonely I would allow a cheater and stalker into my world. You can do better.

@whattodo12345
If this is the case then it's even more imperative you call the police. You thought he was one person and he has revealed a completely different persona altogether so who knows what he is capable of?

I'm not saying that to try and scare you but your safety and well-being are paramount in this situation.

I've done it 🤦🏻‍♀️

Shit I feel weird

@whattodo12345 you feel weird because he has manipulated you! Make sure you block on every social media avenue.

Yea I have done!

He leaves me voicemails when I block him and I already have one!

I don't want to listen to it because I know I'll cave!

😢

OP even if you had people around you, you’d probably find excuses to take him back. You need to understand that you are the only person who can protect you from his influence and if you can’t do it on your own presently then you need to invest in support to get you there.

If you want to break the cycle you have to disrupt the cycle.

Any engagement after deciding to end things will be a waste of your precious time and energy. Narcissists thrive on mind games - remember “Never wrestle with a pig, you’ll both get dirty and the pig likes it”.

2 voicemails 🤦🏻‍♀️

God I really thought he wouldn't fight this time as he hasn't seemed bothered this last week!

Must not cave....must not cave! 🤦🏻‍♀️

I changed my number to avoid any contact ; they are unlikely to stop for a long time trying to reel you in - as long as there is a chance you remain a possible source of supply.

Also worth remembering - contact x 2 after you have made it clear you want to end things can constitute harassment and you can call the police.

It’s all in your hands.

Ps. You can feel alone and vulnerable and still be strong and powerful.

Op don't cave. I did. Several times over several years. Three children later. I could cheerfully kick myself for what I tolerated.

I'm now linked to him for life. My kids love him, however they see through a lot of his behaviour (a blessing I guess)

I am not exaggerating when I say he almost destroyed me. I let him.

That's not to say I deserved his treatment but I was far too easy going in the relationship, then far too afraid.

Please don't be me.

Yea I have caved so many times before....hence why I thought he fought for me....not because he's a narcissist....

Just keep telling myself how shit I feel when we're together....

Scared to go home tonight now tho! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Lol why would you cave though? I understand caving when you don't know what he is, but you do. You know he's a monster who hates you. So no excuses.

Can't you block his calls? Or if its the house phone, unplug it. Could you go away somewhere for a few days? Even if it's a hotel. Oh and could you maybe tell your neighbours what's what? (If they seem pleasent that is) That way if he comes round, they might call the police/chase him off.

Are you at work? Is there a colleague you trust that could go home with you incase he is sitting on your doorstep. So he doesn't ambush you (if not, keep driving, don't get out if your car).

Please don't be me or the other people on here who caved.

I don't want to listen to it because I know I'll cave!

Firstly GOOD you've recognised the risk that comes attached to listening to it. Hand your phone to someone else and get them to dial voicemail and delete the message without you listening to it. Block him. On everything. I don't think he could leave you a message if he's blocked on phone but I may be wrong on that so sorry if I am.

Please OP - this can either be over and done with in the next few weeks or drawn out over months and years, chipping away at your confidence and self worth bit by bit.

I've made the mistake of caving and I regret it so much. Give all of us on here a gift by letting our awful experiences help someone like you not to repeat our mistakes.

Be strong. Lean on people. Come on here and ask for support if you'd like, when you're feeling weak. Do. Not. Cave.

I say this with love OP but it sounds like you are vulnerable to letting your guard down and agreeing to meet with him or talk to him if he sweet talks you or makes you feel sorry for him.

This is why I think you should have people around you for the next few days, to talk you out of caving and remind you how he is when he tries to convince you otherwise.

I wish I had confided in my friends and asked them to support me instead of being embarrassed. I know now they would have been there in a heartbeat.

Use us as a support if it feels too difficult to ask someone IRL

I'd normally say delete the messages too but this guy sounds unhinged and considering the whole doorstep thing too...it might be wise to keep the messages as potential harassment evidence.

Maybe put the phone in the drawer and get a burner phone for a few weeks? Or a new sim card?

Oh and you could speak to Women's Aid for further advice maybe. But don't be slow to call the police if he shows up. He's scary. And the police are there for situations like this. Unlikely they would charge him with anything first time, just warn him to stay away and that might be exactly the thing he needs.

The way I look at it: you have a duty to your own soul not to let someone injure or destroy it; instead take special care of it, nurture it and protect it.

OP what really helped me finally stay away from narcissistic people was understanding the motives behind their behaviour. Little shamen on youtube has some excellent videos

As PP have said, they are essentially conmen who trick you into believing you have met a wonderful person, even your soul mate. The only reason they do this is to draw you in and then once they have you hooked, their mask begins to fall and you begin to see more and more of their abusive behaviours.

The reason they hoover you is because they are not done with you yet. Make no mistake, this is not because they love you but because you have something they want to take from you (supply, money, sex etc) and they haven't lined up the new supply yet. When you break up with a narc and then take them back, they are already planning their next discard of you as revenge for you leaving them in the first place (rejection causes huge narcissistic injury). He will punish you if you take him back so please use this to stay away.

You have so far only seen flashes of what he is capable of because you always relent and go back. I promise if you stay away for long enough, you will realise what a true monster he is underneath and your love for him will die instantly. You are in love with a character, not a real person and I know that is very painful to accept but the truth really will set you free.

Use the time apart to focus on yourself and get to the bottom of why you attracted a narcissist in the first place. Lisa Romano has done really good videos.

I used to exclusively attract narcs and have now done the work to figure out that I have zero self esteem, I'm a codependent and cannot enforce boundaries and it is safer to stay single until I have healed from my past.

I promise you you have done the right thing by leaving this man.

Sorry if that sounded dramatic, but in some cases the struggle takes that form. Remember with Ns they are psychological and spiritual predators. I remember looking into the N I knew once and flinching with shock (had no idea what a narcissist was then). Don’t worry about him he’ll find new supply, probably within a very very short time. But he will keep returning too if you let him, a narcissist can never have too much supply

Omg @Jaffacakesaremyfave

I used to exclusively attract narcs and have now done the work to figure out that I have zero self esteem, I'm a codependent and cannot enforce boundaries and it is safer to stay single until I have healed from my past.

PREACH!!!

This was me too until years of therapy and I still have to check myself so I don't fall back into the trap - well done for doing some serious self reflection, I know from experience how brutal hard it is to admit you have a tendency to codependency and also how hard it is to break the cycle.

It was my default for so long and it took me until around 28 to see it and until 32 to (so far) stop it!

OP - you're not alone, so many of us have been through this and as you can see on this thread a lot of this behaviour is common to many of the narcissists we have encountered. You can do it