Narcissistic boyfriend

[whattodo12345]

Hi....just wondering if anyone has any experience with this?

I'm a total paranoid wreck but can't seem to get out?

Hi OP, do not beat yourself up. I was a bit like you having come out of a very long relationship. I didn't know about red flags or narcs either. You had the good sense to come on here and get advice. Its scary when you start to piece together all the 'little' things he has done which fit with the 'narc script'. Not every narc is the same so its also easy to think they don't fit with all the categoristics but they don't have to.
From what you have said, he is definitely a narcissist.
The guy I was seeing was only for 10 weeks thankfully and I also don't think he was extreme. He didn't harass me when I finished it (apart from loads of texts) because I blocked him. That might have been cos he wasn't an extreme narc, or because we hadn't been together that long.
Things will be hard for a while. You will doubt your decision (I still do sometimes), you will only remember the nice bits, you will feel sorry for him. Just remember to read back on this thread if you have doubts. This man is NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

You're not stupid @whattodo12345. These men are highly skilled manipulators. They are con men!

I definitely went through a period of deep depression when I realised none of it was real. There were good times that I missed and everything seemed so intense so it's hard to let go of the person you thought they were. You just have to keep reminding yourself that you fell in love with a mask.

If you had just left a long relationship, did you meet him fairly soon after that? They often target people who are at a vulnerable time in their life because they know it's easier to suck you in.

So many women on this thread have been through this experience so you are not alone. It's hard to fathom that there can be so much evil out there if you are a good person who would never lie, cheat, steal or abuse. I've learned to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and instead observe behaviour closely before i let someone in.

It's great that you have friends IRL that you can lean on for support (and are good at spotting bullshit). Its common to feel abit (or very in my case) depressed after these relationships end because you become trauma bonded to this person which you have to break. It can be like withdrawal while your body gets used to not having the 'love' hormones in your body but you have to remember that it isn't him that you miss, it is who you thought he was xx

2 more voicemails 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yea I met him fairly soon after I broke up from my husband....on a night out!
I knew him from when we were little!
He didn't come on too strong or anything....in fact I think it was me going after him more!

I'm just so confused by it all! And so annoyed I have wasted 2 years on something that quite clearly can't go anywhere 🤦🏻‍♀️

2 more? Whats that, like 9? fs he's totally deranged. I think you would have realised it wasn't love but total craziness by now even if you didn't know what he was right? xD

I mean can you imagine any circumstance where someone tells you it is over and you would leave them voicemails, turn up at their house and post a letter through their door and then come back later to see if they are in too and when they aren't, leave 5 more (angry) voicemails. Let alone all in the space of a day and a half.

If he shows up again op - 999 all the way.

Yup some narcissists are worse than others - but physically hurting himself in front of you and his coercive and obsessive nature, I think you've got a particularly volatile one here. I agree with the poster that said it could very easily escalate, especially considering his prior actions. Although that aggressive activity was towards himself, it is very common for abusers to display violence to themselves and to objects as a threat in order to show you what they are physically capable of.

I've found that with narcissists too, either they are the love bombing (chase you, put you on a pedestal ect...) kind OR they start you off early on feeling as if you should feel so greatful to have any of their time/they are slightly out of your league and they expect you to do all the chasing and blow hot and cold ect n you are never quite sure where you stand with them. That's why I don't mention love bombing too much because I think it isn't relevant in a lot of cases.

Think of it as two years to learn a really good lesson that will stand you well for the rest of your life! Some pour souls marry them and take twenty years to figure it out.

How do you know he is leaving voicemails? If he is blocked you shouldn't receive any notifications of them. I would ring your phone company and ask them if they can completely block his number.

Think it depends on the app thing being used, I blocked a creeps number once and he couldn't text anymore but he kept calling :/ might actually be handy to just let him call in this case though seen as he's digging his own grave evidence wise leaving all those voicemails.

@Pinkbonbon YES!!!! I’ve always been confused re the love bombing thing as I was really made to do all the running (asked my friend at the time who was testing the waters for me what class degree I had and where from - turned out he didn’t even gave any GCSEs!!!). He also blew hot & cold. They don’t always love bomb in the classic way!

• have not gave

OP I'm saying the below with my tough love hat on but I hope you get a chance to read it.

I feel like you know what you should do but that you also feel (correctly unfortunately) very vulnerable to being drawn back in.

Smashing a glass over your head because an ex has been on a date with someone else is fucking MENTAL.

That ONE incident alone (the pint glass one) already shows the following:

• an aggressive reaction to you wanting to move on
• propensity for violent behaviour
• desire to draw you back with extreme action (eg in his bullshit script he loves you SO much he hurt himself when he thought he was losing you)

Since you told him this time it's over:

• He is now flooding you with calls when he has been clearly told you're done.

• He's shown up unwanted at your home when he's been clearly told your done.

Please OP, come back on here when you're feeling torn so we can give you a shake and talk you out of responding to him!!

Don't. Let. Him. Get. To. You.
Do. Not. Feel. Sorry. For. Him.

Yea so I don't get the call just a notification with how many voicemails I have got!

Have had another 2 tonight! One saying he hopes I come for tea 🤦🏻‍♀️

Also....we go to the same gym....so I thought I would go later so I don't bump into him....I pass him in the car and think great he's in his way home.....
Get into the gym, set up and then there he is behind me....asking me to go to dinner 🤦🏻‍♀️

I obviously said no....he then says okay I'll cook for you Sunday night....see you then and then walks off....

He knows I won't cause a scene in the gym....but why should I stop coming just because of him ☹️

Ok so you haven't been flooded with calls, you've been flooded with voicemails. My mistake.

He knows I won't cause a scene in the gym....but why should I stop coming just because of him

Because at the moment it is giving him a chance to "bump" into you.

He can do this inside where he knows there will be a group of people so you won't make a fuss.

He can also do this on your way in and way out when you will be alone.

It's your journey OP but you're getting a lot of good advice on here from people who have been through the same thing, I know it's hard but he's following the textbook script of activity that unfortunately many of us are familiar with.

Good luck

@ThatCurlyGirl

So you think I should stop coming? While all this is going on? ☹️
I go nearly everyday....when he's back at work I'll just have to make sure I go in the day when I know he won't be there and avoid the other days I go in the evening!

This all seems so unfair....he ruins my life yet he gets to just carry on and woo some other girl 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thankyou... @ThatCurlyGirl just read your other message!

This chat has literally made me stronger otherwise I know I would of unblocked him by now....he's just so good at making me feel bad!

I'm going to right everything on here that he does as like a diary and a note....as I can't recover the voicemails but I will try and save the rest I just automatically delete but I'll try and save anymore!
Evidence I guess....I really really don't think he would hurt me....but I guess all the girls think that 🤦🏻‍♀️

@whattodo12345 feel sorry for the next girl he 'woo's'!

Basically he's followed you back to the gym. Stalker alert. Glad you got away safe at least! You could maybe have spoken to their staff, see if they could have removed him?

Brace yourself for the 'I cooked dinner and its gone to waste boohooo' voicemail on Sunday!

And you friggin shouldn't have to avoid your own gym. But maybe for a couple of weeks it would be wise. I know it sucks hon. I hope you are getting angry about it all and how he's just disregarded everything you've said because what you want means nothing to him.

I'm a little scared for you. Think you should speak with women's aid, see what they would advise. If it were me that would have been the last straw tbh, id be phoning the bobbies. And locking myself in my house with a steak knife under my pillow at night xD

Honestly @whattodo12345 use this thread as much as it helps - I also kept a piece of paper on my fridge with a list of upsetting things that my ex had done during our relationship and when I left him. It meant I saw it lots of times a day so it was front of mind.

You basically need to make sure that at be moment your focus and priority is it ending and the reasons why this is important.

This goal needs to be front of mind so that he doesn't have any cracks to slip through and get your guard down again.

This all seems so unfair....he ruins my life yet he gets to just carry on and woo some other girl

It is unfair but life is really fucking unfair, but fortunately this is a situation where you have the opportunity to take control of your own actions at least.

I have to be honest - the fact that him wooing another girl is even on your radar and upsetting you at the moment is very troubling.

I'd expect you to be saying something more like "it's so unfair, he ruins my life because now I'll feel scared loads" etc.
Make yourself, your safety and your future the priority.

He might start trying to make you jealous as another tactic so you need to really try to get your guard up as highly and firmly as possible ASAP so this doesn't work if he tries!

If you were a friend of mine IRL I would be suggesting a chat to women's aid or even (if you can spare the cost) a counselling session or two to help just get your thoughts collected and a plan in place.

When I was being stalked my gym gave me three months out on my contract, didn't pay so couldn't go but wasn't out of pocket. This happened because I explained the situation (very discretely) to the head office customer relations people, not the gym manager so I didn't have to let anyone know IRL.

Loyal customer who has always paid on time so they didn't mind at all. I used the money I saved for a few counselling sessions. Worth a go

Yea when I said no to dinner tonight...he then said..."well that was a waste of time me turning round and coming back here" like it was my fault 🙄 all seems so obvious now!

As for the gym....it's an awkward one....it's a private run gym and the people who own it are friends of his....I think telling them would cause a lot of drama....I think it's best I just stay away for abit, I haven't heard from him since the gym so I guess that's a good thing!

I know it's worrying that I'm thinking of the next girl....but I can't help be jealous Cos what if he's not like this with another girl 🤦🏻‍♀️ anyway....I really shouldn't be thinking like that as I'm hoping it won't happen as his ex did try and warn me after he had played us both for months....but again he talked me around 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's still fresh....I'm hoping in a few days I really will feel nothing for him!

It's mad tho you talk about jealousy....Cos everytime we have split up before he runs to the girl he cheated on me with and then comes back and manages to real me back in.....obviously part of his tacktics....my god 🤦🏻‍♀️ I never thought of it like that....I just thought I didn't want to loose him but that was obviously his plan 🙄

Not this time!!

The 'see you on Sunday' thing is similar to what my ex did. He messaged saying 'I'll wait for you in the pub' (we were supposed to meet that night). When I said I wouldn't be there, he said he would wait there anyway. This is a ploy to force you to reply because they believe you wouldn't want them wasting their time. Another line out of their script!
I would NOT go to the gym when he might be there. Its for your own good.

Ugh he's so basic!!!

Honestly the ex I thought was the most tortured, complicated soul did literally everything your ex is doing now. Its dickhead 101. And everyone else has said their exes did exactly same.

They are ten a penny and not worth be angst they cause. They are not complicated people who need rescuing, they are basic fuckers who hide in plain sight and they are much more common than you think.

It doesn't matter if they do move onto someone they don't treat like shit. The fact is they DO treat you like shit!

Try to remember that on this thread alone, every time we say what we think he will do next we have been bang on.

Block all contact (I think you have already but just reiterating), don't even listen to voicemails and ask your phone provider to block him from leaving them if you don't think there's a function on there to do it yourself.

The harder you try at this stage to disengage and stay strong, the less time it'll take to be over with once and for all. Im not being pious about this, it's based fully on my previous mistakes!

I've dragged this kind of shit out for over a year with one previously and trust me it's NOT worth it!

@crappyday2018

Yea he's done this before to me and I have always given in and messaged him telling him not to waste his time!

Not this time tho

@crappyday2018

Ah the old "sitting and waiting so feel sorry for me" routine.

My ex asked a mate of mine to pass a message on to me asking me to be at xx place at xx time and day to meet and talk.

Mate very firmly told ex on the spot before even speaking to me that I had no interest in seeing him again and that I would not be meeting him for any reason.

At the end of the Saturday he had wanted the "meeting" to take place, ex set up a new email (as his previous ones were all blocked) and emailed me along the lines:

"I knew you'd turned nasty but not this nasty, you didn't even have the fucking courtesy to unblock me just to message me and let me know you weren't going to be there, instead I sat there waiting looking like a fucking mug" etc etc

YOU WERE TOLD I WOULDNT SEE YOU

God he really was a muggy little cunt.

Re my last post, I blocked the new email address and didn't reply to him obvs.

@ThatCurlyGirl

Yep he is blocked on everything! I'm going to change the setting in the voicemail so hopefully I get them but no notification just as evidence if I need it!

I just can't believe that he is like this! I remember reading about narcissists about a year ago and brushing it off like no it can't be him....low and behold....text book narcissist 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm just glad I know about it now and hopefully it will help me for the future

They treat every partner like shit sooner or later. They follow a script I swear.

I also felt jealous about the potential new partners. Then I realised ex narc had been married twice to two gorgeous looking women, who both left him and divorced him within a few years, the second one having literally fled while he was out of the country. These were super bad signs that I should have paid heed to.

They do the same thing to all new partners. Eventually. The mask falls. And you KNOW he cheated on you? And he keeps going back to her? Sounds like he is or was running at least two "relationships". Dare like to bet she has no idea you even exist.

Cheating plus his self-harm and his behaviour right now would put most people off for life. He is a con man and hoping he can pull you back into his con. These types usually have many targets on the go at the same time.

Don't feel jealous of the next person, she won't be wooed, she will be CONNED. Feel sorry for her.

And don't mistake intensity for intimacy. The drama gets addictive, read up on trauma bonding. It was NOT love.

These types usually have something that keeps us hooked. A big penis, good technique in bed, lots of gifts, great cooks, charming, nice trips away. Something. But there are HEALTHY NORMAL men out there who can give you stability and real affection and real love. First, take the trash out and do not rake through it or bring it back in. It belongs in the bin.

Oh and have an STD check. Lord knows where he has been.

Well done my love

This really is a lesson that will serve you well for the rest of your life!

Being single for a decent amount of time after being with someone like this is really good idea too, wronguns can pick up on vulnerable people's energy like they have spidey senses!

These kind of dickheads tend to zone in and lovebomb us when we are still sad and low after a breakup - stay off the market for a while so you aren't easy prey to another wanker

Something else that really helped me was trying not to be too worried about labels. Your ex is very likely a narcissist but he is most definitely a cunt. And that's reason enough to never go back.

STAY STRONG!