DP said he wouldn’t have been interested in me if I was his age.

[CCDL]

I’m ten years younger than my DP. We were having conversation the other day she was talking about how he didn’t find women of his age attractive and that a lot of the women he went to school with looked ‘rough’ now.

This led to a bit of an argument, as I pointed out that he had changed a great deal in appearance from when he was at school.

I asked him what would happen if we were still together in ten years time and I was the age he is now - would he think I looked ‘rough’ and unattractive. He said he didn’t know. He then said he wouldn’t have been interested in getting together with me if we had been the same age, as if he wanted children he wouldn’t be able to have them with me.

I thought we had got together because we were compatible and really got on well. It makes me sad that he has these attitudes towards women and my worth is predicated on my ability to give him children.

Am I being totally ridiculous or is this a red flag?

@nearlynermal have you read the OP’s updates? Saying that he chose her because she was of childbearing age is the most charming thing he’s said.

If you don’t think she’s in LTB territory, I can only assume you missed the parts where she said
*a woman’s role is to give sex to a man and if she didn’t, he would go elsewhere

• if she got sick, he’d leave
• if she couldn’t have sex due to a difficult pregnancy, “she’s got other holes” *hasnt, and refuses to say he loves her as she will take that to mean he wants to marry her

Those are just off the top of my head, without rereading the thread. If you’ve RTFT and still don’t think she’s in LTB territory, I do wonder what on earth is wrong with you?

Get out before he’s back

Yikes! Failed to RTFT there. Sorry all: definitely one for the bin.

RTFT nearlynermal

@nearlynermal 😅phew!

I agree with reading the Lundy Bancroft book. It really helped me x

That's a disgusting thing of him to say. He sounds really immature. Basically the main reason he is with you is because of how you look? Eugh

Definitely run! I think someone else said it first, misogynistic twat... Sorry probably not what you wanted to hear, but if he thinks like that you have a shelf life and are only useful as you can provide children x

He's a dreadful person, and your life will be so much better without him in it. You sound like you have good values, and you are being dragged down by somebody who simply doesn't meet your standards.

This:

"He also said to me that he would leave his wife if she didn’t give him enough sex. When I said that there might be all kinds of reasons why sex wanes in a marriage he told me he could not guarantee that he wouldn’t leave if his wife became unwell. I asked what he would do if I had a difficult pregnancy and couldn’t have sex - he replied ‘you have other holes don’t you?’ When I challenged him about this he said he was only joking."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????? This is SO horrid. DUMP HIM PLEASE!!!

The only joking line means he really meant it, but you called him out on it, so he panicked... I cannot tell you how many times I had the same shit of only joking pulled on me by ex covert misogynistic twat. Get rid, OMG. If you have children to this twat, can you imagine what he will do when you are pregnant?? When you cannot have sex after giving birth? And when your body changes after pregnancy is he going to leave you as you're no longer up to scratch???

RUN FOREST RUN AND DO NOT LOOK BACK

Run. There are good men out there and he’s not one of them. The holes comment knocked me sick.

Thank goodness you're leaving. Keep posting here if you start to weaken. He sounds abysmal.

This too:

"I have heard of the freedom program but I thought that was just for victims of domestic violence. He has never hit me."

Domestic violence is not only physical. You should read this. You are being abused violently in emotional and mental ways:

www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics?fbclid=IwAR10ymnlfg9YRtESu7JBFPyrVrEMwSJiiuEskKwXYe0aHaLaGlfRTRs08A4

I read Jo Wood's autobiography. After years of being married to Ronnie Wood, looking after him on tour, keeping him sober one day he looked at her and said he never imagined he would end up with a middle aged woman. That after years of marriage. Him a walking cadaver and her a very attractive woman. He started playing around with very young girls after that, trying to get Jo to divorce him, which eventually happened. Man's vanity knows no bounds, or loyalty for that matter.

😳

Direct him to the Everyday Sexism project/Misogynation book, not that he's likely to pay them scant regard.

Fuck me, that's awful. My DH was 22 years older than me (I was exactly half his age when we married). He and I talked about the age difference sometimes, like when we realised that he was married to his first wife before I was born. But he always said that it was my personality and sense of humour that attracted him, and he didn't realise my age when we met - he was quite shocked when I told him. He would never have said anything like your DP, because for him it wasn't about my youth or fertility (bloody lucky there because we were both fertilisationally challenged and only managed one child together!!).

He has never hit me.

You don't need to hit someone to leave deep, ugly, scars.

Keep coming back to this thread. We'll help you through it and make sure you don't go back!

Good luck OP. You're so strong. Please please stick with this. It's been mentioned already but as well as calling your old counsellor, find a freedom program so you can learn the early warning signs so you don't fall into this trap again.

Well done for putting yourself first!!!

You'll be ok. You'll hurt for the loss of the dream but not for the loss of him.

Take care of yourself. Be brave.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if he had an affair in ten years time with a much younger woman if he holds these views.

Well done for finally seeing this utter asshat for what he really is. Here's to ypur freedom to finding a decent member of society OP .

Well done OP, you've made the right decision. It's interesting that your mother hates him - she's probably been watching from the sidelines for years, desperately hoping that you'd see sense and leave this awful man. I can imagine her beaming face when you tell her that you've left him. I hope you have a great time with your mother, and give vent to all the negative feelings that must have been building inside you for months, maybe years. I'm so pleased that reading all the feedback on this thread might have helped you find the courage to do what's right for you - what a great result. Mumsnet at its best, women supporting each other to improve their lives.

How horrible. My husband is 5 years younger than me and has never made me feel old or rough.