DP said he wouldn’t have been interested in me if I was his age.

[CCDL]

I’m ten years younger than my DP. We were having conversation the other day she was talking about how he didn’t find women of his age attractive and that a lot of the women he went to school with looked ‘rough’ now.

This led to a bit of an argument, as I pointed out that he had changed a great deal in appearance from when he was at school.

I asked him what would happen if we were still together in ten years time and I was the age he is now - would he think I looked ‘rough’ and unattractive. He said he didn’t know. He then said he wouldn’t have been interested in getting together with me if we had been the same age, as if he wanted children he wouldn’t be able to have them with me.

I thought we had got together because we were compatible and really got on well. It makes me sad that he has these attitudes towards women and my worth is predicated on my ability to give him children.

Am I being totally ridiculous or is this a red flag?

“If I do something he doesn’t like he will give me the silent treatment.”

Good. That’s one hole that needs to be shut! Can you leave before he gets back?

Urgh.

Another reason some men seek younger women is they know a woman their age or older won’t put up with their shit. He’s given you crumbs of affection too as a way of control.

Stay at your mums and make plans to get away from this foul creature.

Urgh.

Glad to hear you're going to your Mam's and taking steps to get rid of this awful man who doesn't deserve you.

I am packing up right now. I don’t have that much stuff at his because I’ve only very recently moved in with him.

I won’t lie, I am feeling scared that I won’t be able to stay away from him. I’m going to ring my old counsellor first thing on Tuesday and start some further sessions.

Once again, I thank you all. I’m a proper mess right now but if I’m being honest with myself I’ve known this was coming for a while.

I’m just trying to stay angry. I’m going to step away for today, as I need to get across to my Mam’s once I’ve finished up here.

Sorry if this post is a bit rambling.

Wow,so glad you have had the wake up. Don't blame yourself, I suspect he is incapable of love.

This is a difficult concept for "normal" people to relate to so we spend time making ourselves more loveable. These types just care for themselves. If you meet their needs they are fine, if you dare to have needs then they will withdraw or abuse until you are back under control.

I'm so glad you're getting away OP, you're so strong. You're leaving before these views manifest as something way more sinister, and before he can use you up and throw you away. Well done, OP. If you ever need to remember why you're doing this, reread this thread. You're worth so much more than this loser.

OP good for you. You deserve so so much better than this

Block him completely from contacting you. Luckily, there's no reason to ever have to speak to him again. Take every single thing that is yours and don't look back. This man is absolutely horrible.

Please please whatever you do don't have a baby with this man. If you haven't had one before honestly for me it put the most almighty pressure on our relationship when you are at your most vulnerable. If he's like this without any pressures he will be even worse when you are too sore and beyond exhausted to please him 🤢🤢🤢.

Silent treatment is another form of emotional abuse, @CCDL. If, once you get away, you are AT ALL tempted to go back, read this: www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

Emotional abuse is what’s damaged your self esteem and he has programmed you to blame yourself, be grateful for any attention from him and that you won’t be happy without him. You WILL. Emotional abuse quickly becomes Coercive Control which is an offence. Think of each criticism as a punch and you would be black and blue by now with broken bones. Why would you go back to that?

Glad you are packing

“I won’t lie, I am feeling scared that I won’t be able to stay away from him”

What’s the attraction? Is it a way of a pushing a self destruct button? I think it’s really worth looking at this carefully. I hope your mum gives you lots of cuddles and support

He sounds like s total c*^t

Well on the other hand if you wanted children why would you pair up with someone who for one reason or another wouldn’t have them with you. I’m not entirely convinced by that this was his reasoning but it’s perfectly valid to exclude people who are infertile/dead set against children from your dating pool if that is important to you.

Good luck Op

Stay strong OP
Picture your future going two ways- one path is where you are being slowly eroded into a shadow, where you fight for crumbs of affection from someone who will never love you as all his love is to himself.

Or a future of strength and joy and love and laughter and new people and experiences and not fighting for survival.

You can do this OP

I think I speak for all of us when I at we're really proud of you OP. Be brave and strong.

It will get easier. You should leave a note so as not to end up in conversations with him. He's clearly abusive and will try and exert control.

Please read the book by Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That" You can google the pdf it's free online.

It explains the different types of abusers, and I'm sorry to say that it does seem you are a victim of emotional abuse.

I think every woman should read this book. It would save a lot of heartache and lives.

Good luck.

*Does he ever say, 'make love' or is it always, 'sex’?

Ignore this OP, it’s drivel.*

ODFOD

You have my first LTB.

(and I've been on MN over 12 years!)

I'm pleased you're seeing what he really is. Stay strong and remember there's loads of people here to support you. Don't let him grind you down to stay with him.

So glad your mum hates him, that will help enormously.
I know it’s easy for us all to say LTB on here, and it’s so much harder to do.
Well done for taking action, warn yourself there will be tough days but steel yourself to stay away. No “talking things through” or staying friends.
I’ve always tried to be kind and decent when breaking up, but I’d be tempted to put the boot in here a bit. It sounds like he needs it.
Maybe along the lines of your discussion about 10 years in the future making you suddenly realise he’d be 10 years older too, and still him, and you realised you could do better.
Then block him!

However, he has the ability to talk his way out of things and make me feel like I am overreacting.

So he gaslights you as well? Sounds charming...

I agree with RRJR. Speaking as someone scarred by online dating, those are the economic realities we face. If men of a certain age want children (fair enough) then they're going to try to find a woman in that age range.

Clearly he had a major lapse of emotional intelligence being that blunt about it. But I'm not sure we're in LTB territory. If we binned every guy who's occasionally an emotional fuckwit, the race would die out.

nearly “If we binned every guy who's occasionally an emotional fuckwit, the race would die out.”

This is not occasional.

(And who cares if the race dies out! There will be many happy women enjoying life before it).

He says he wants children but I bet he means in the psychopathic “I want a mini me to show the world I’m a man” sense.