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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP said he wouldn’t have been interested in me if I was his age.

287 replies

CCDL · 25/08/2019 13:26

I’m ten years younger than my DP. We were having conversation the other day she was talking about how he didn’t find women of his age attractive and that a lot of the women he went to school with looked ‘rough’ now.

This led to a bit of an argument, as I pointed out that he had changed a great deal in appearance from when he was at school.

I asked him what would happen if we were still together in ten years time and I was the age he is now - would he think I looked ‘rough’ and unattractive. He said he didn’t know. He then said he wouldn’t have been interested in getting together with me if we had been the same age, as if he wanted children he wouldn’t be able to have them with me.

I thought we had got together because we were compatible and really got on well. It makes me sad that he has these attitudes towards women and my worth is predicated on my ability to give him children.

Am I being totally ridiculous or is this a red flag?

OP posts:
ilikethisusernamethemost · 26/08/2019 09:52

Well done OP! Stay strong and never go back! Thanks

ShirleyPhallus · 26/08/2019 09:56

Best of luck OP, good for you for getting out Flowers

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 26/08/2019 09:57

Well done for getting out! There is no doubt you have made the right decision. Now you just have to stay strong, and get through the shit bit, to a happier future.

Teaandcrisps · 26/08/2019 10:01

Well done OP Flowers

HandsOffMyRights · 26/08/2019 10:03

Well done OP. You deserve so much more than this loser.

Livpool · 26/08/2019 10:30

Well down OP!

Wishing you lots of luck xx

ElektraUnchained · 26/08/2019 10:36

Well done OP.

billy1966 · 26/08/2019 11:02

Well done OP, delighted to read you have gone and have your Mum's support.

Gemma1971 · 26/08/2019 11:08

Shame he works where you do. Do you have much to do with him at work? If so, might be worth looking for a new job if possible.

These abusers lure us back in. Any opportunity, I bet he will take it. Remind you how you are nothing without him, getting older, will never meet anyone else, anyone as good as him. If you manage to ignore that he will probably either lay on the charm and gifts super thick, OR commence a barrage of abuse and insults. Be prepared for any of the above. They tend to follow a script.

Check out YouTube for lots of helpful advice on leaving and staying away from abusive men. Lisa A Romano, Inner Integration and Ross Romano are great places to start.

Don't go back like I did for more abuse. Most women do. Get your self-esteem and bullshit filter with boundaries firmly in place and know you are worth soooooooooo much more.

He will be counting on using old tricks to get you back. Be aware of them. And if you are tempted, make a list of ALL of his shitty comments and behaviour. Trust me and everyone else, he is not a good person.

IamtheOA · 26/08/2019 11:21

Oh, and these guys are really really good at pretending that they have evolved/done some deep thinking/made a discovery or realisation about themselves/ this has startled them into making changes or going for counselling......
Typically all bull shit to lure you back

BuildBuildings · 26/08/2019 11:25

Well done op. Look after yourself this week while you're off work. Flowers it's perfect timing! Start making plans for the future that don't involve him.

Ohmygoodnessreally · 26/08/2019 11:32

Keep strong

Original poster
CCDL · 26/08/2019 12:01

Thanks everyone. I’m doing ok.

OP posts:
RhymesWithOrange · 26/08/2019 12:43

Well done. Be kind to yourself and find some IRL friends to lean on. You have absolutely made the right decision.

TreeSunset · 26/08/2019 13:30

Huge well done for leaving, you really did amazing. It will hurt and he will try and get you back because she wants an easy life. No one can go 5 years without hearing I love you. He is an arsehole

AcrossthePond55 · 26/08/2019 13:50

Just remember, now that you have broken with him you are covered by workplace harassment laws.

If he attempts to talk to you at work beyond necessary work related things, you have recourse.

AMAM8916 · 26/08/2019 14:18

Well done OP. His holes comment was so disgusting it stayed in mind and I'm still thinking about it. It's the type of jokey thing two 18 year old 'lads' might say to eachother, not what a man should say to his partner. He is misogynistic and ego driven. Having any kids with him would be horrendous

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 14:22

Well if he considers himself such a Clooney, that makes you Amal doesn't it ;)

LOL at the term "Adonis"....that one never gets old

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 14:24

Oh just read the "other holes" comment.... cringe. If all he requires is a hole he can just go buy a Fleshlight, sounds like he doesn't even need an actual human, really...

ohfourfoxache · 26/08/2019 14:38

Bloody well done for leaving - that’s a huge achievement in a very short space of time.

You deserve better, don’t let this tosser think he can win you round. He sounds revolting btw

Walkamileinmyshoes · 26/08/2019 16:15

Sending you good wishes CCDL.
Your mum sounds lovely - supportive, good instincts (she had him pegged, didn’t she?)

I second the idea of printing out this thread, reminding yourself of what a horrible misogynistic pig he is.

Hope the weather keeps up and you have a couple of nice days out in the sunshine.

Is there any chance of him leaving your common workplace although from what you’ve said about his arrogance I doubt it
or will it be down to you? Perhaps you could look at it as time for a life overhaul?

Walkamileinmyshoes · 26/08/2019 16:15

Strike through failBlush

BaloneyBar · 26/08/2019 16:19

IamtheOA such a good point! If they've had therapy - keep your ears and eyes open and spider antennae active! It could mean they're total shits and their lives have fallen about them as a result. The pyschotherapist is paid to listen to their B.S. so it can go on for years without any self-challenging their awful behaviour that has led to their crisis! Psychobabble or psychotherpay doesn't always or necessarily mean they're evolved - in fact, sometimes, quite the reverse!!!

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 26/08/2019 16:30

strongly believe that his mother has enabled him and his brother to grow up with superiority complexes.

He does the minimum of housework and finds fault with most things that I do in the house.

Have you ever considered he could be a narcissist?

He's certainly a raging misogynist, emotionally abusive and entitled. If you had a child with him he would expect you to do everything.

KeepStill · 26/08/2019 16:38

strongly believe that his mother has enabled him and his brother to grow up with superiority complexes

I think that's irrelevant. Once you're well into adulthood, you're responsible for your own 'complexes', and you're no longer some kind of creation of your parents' issues. I grew up with some appalling beliefs about myself and the world at large from my parents -- but I'm in my 40s, with a child. The buck stops with me now.