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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP said he wouldn’t have been interested in me if I was his age.

287 replies

CCDL · 25/08/2019 13:26

I’m ten years younger than my DP. We were having conversation the other day she was talking about how he didn’t find women of his age attractive and that a lot of the women he went to school with looked ‘rough’ now.

This led to a bit of an argument, as I pointed out that he had changed a great deal in appearance from when he was at school.

I asked him what would happen if we were still together in ten years time and I was the age he is now - would he think I looked ‘rough’ and unattractive. He said he didn’t know. He then said he wouldn’t have been interested in getting together with me if we had been the same age, as if he wanted children he wouldn’t be able to have them with me.

I thought we had got together because we were compatible and really got on well. It makes me sad that he has these attitudes towards women and my worth is predicated on my ability to give him children.

Am I being totally ridiculous or is this a red flag?

OP posts:
Original poster
CCDL · 25/08/2019 14:50

I have heard of the freedom program but I thought that was just for victims of domestic violence. He has never hit me.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
ColaFreezePop · 25/08/2019 14:51

Dear God - what a horror of a man.

My DP is a few months younger than me, but I also have brothers, sisters and good friends where the woman is the older partner. In some cases by a decade or more.

In one of my brothers case he's become more devoted to his wife as she has got older.

A couple of my good male friends have had relationships with women their age or younger, but found their relationship with their older partner is the one that has lasted long term.

Incidentally all the men can look after themselves, pull their weight with housework and children, if they have them. The fact he gaslights you over stuff means you need to dump him.

Ravenblack · 25/08/2019 14:51

I have also heard from research and studies that men are far more likely to leave a marriage when his wife has an illness like cancer or MS or some kind of condition that physically changes her/makes her weak and vulnerable. A woman however, is more likely to STAY with a man who suffers the same, even if she doesn't love him anymore.

Some say it's because men have a self preservation mode or some shit. I think it's because many of them are self centred, selfish, self serving and lazy, and can't be arsed to nurse a very sick wife, can't be arsed to have to do everything, and don't want to be seen with a wife who has changed physically (and not for the better.)

Some of them have a 'this is not what I signed up for' attitude.

MitziK · 25/08/2019 14:52

First sign of grey hair or a health condition (or pregnancy) and he'll be lining up the next twenty-something. Or at least trying to - if he doesn't completely slime out and head straight for the 19 year olds.

Derbee · 25/08/2019 14:52

Aside from anything else, the fact that he views sex as something that a woman must give a man is enough to leave him.

Never mind the fact that he is an ageist misogynist who has openly admitted that he wouldn’t stick around in tough times. The only decision worse than staying with him, would be having children with him.

If you want children, leave now and find someone worthwhile to do it with.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 25/08/2019 14:53

"He has never hit me."

Not yet.

wildcherries · 25/08/2019 14:53

Holy shit, the more you write the worse it is. And the OP was enough of a red flag. Please run, he is an awful human. Bin him so fast.

Sunflower20 · 25/08/2019 14:54

Wow what a cunt

CIareIsland · 25/08/2019 14:55

Please don’t bring another generation of his genes and vile beliefs in to this planet. He will be a shocking partner once you get pregnant and give birth. The abuse will ramp up. He will do nothing to “help” and will not be the partner or father to and your DCs need.

Why has he not had children to date? Maybe because other women sniffed his vile odour sooner and left. What is his “relationship history” (you will only know what he told you - bet they were all “mad controlling psycho bitches”?

Does his brother have children - how has that planned out.

Original poster
CCDL · 25/08/2019 14:55

@Loopytiles you haven’t met his mother. She believes that the woman should do everything for the man in a marriage. Sadly, I do believe that she has enabled these attitudes.

She has told me in the past that I should give up my career if I have children. She did this and firmly believes that all women should. When I told her I loved my job she told me i was selfish!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 25/08/2019 14:55

Let's see...he'll leave you when you get old(er), he'll leave you if you get seriously ill, he'll leave you if you are unable to give him sex. He'll stay if you never age, never become ill, and if he has access to all your 'holes' whenever he wants them. What a charmer!!!

As I figure, you're in your mid-30s. Based on your age, you theoretically have around 10 years to start a family. Why on earth would you want to have one with him? I wouldn't even want to breathe the same air he does! Get the hell out and find a decent man who respects women and more importantly values you as an equal and sees you as a life partner, not a disposable commodity.

You refer to him as 'DP', so I assume you aren't married and have no children with him. It should be relatively easy to get the fucking hell out of Dodge. Leave. Just leave. I'd rather live in a ditch under a bridge than with a man like that. Leave.

I'm say this as a woman in her early 60s, married over 30 years. DH still sees me as wildly sexy (God bless him!). We went through a 5 month 'dry spell' during my second pregnancy when all sex was put 'off the table' due to pre-term labour. He never asked to use my other 'holes' nor did he cheat. On the contrary, he was as concerned as I that nothing endanger the pregnancy. And when I broke my ankle and 2 years later my wrist, I could not have asked for a more caring care-giver, even lifting me on & off the loo, in & out of the shower and having to wash my hair for me. Both times for almost 3 months. THAT is what 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health' means.

WizardOfAus · 25/08/2019 14:58

Please leave

Original poster
CCDL · 25/08/2019 14:58

@ClareIsland he has had a few relationships but none more than two years.

He has said that a few of his exes were ‘crazy’ yes. His brother has never had a girlfriend and resents him spending any time with me.

The more I write the more ashamed of myself I am becoming.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 25/08/2019 14:59

Yes please save yourself and leave

Junoon · 25/08/2019 14:59

What are his good points? Because you’re painting a picture of a deeply unpleasant man and it’s hard to see why you are with him.

Snowfalling · 25/08/2019 15:02

What will you do op? Thank God you've not have children with this disgusting man.

wildcherries · 25/08/2019 15:02

You don't have to be ashamed. But you should definitely reassess your situation and leave. There's a red flag in every update from you, and his family sounds horrendous too.

mydogisthebest · 25/08/2019 15:04

It doesn't matter what his mother is like. He has a brain and can make his own views and decisions.

My MIL believed that the woman should always be younger than the man (I am older than DH), the woman should be the one cooking cleaning etc (DH cooks as much as I do and we used to split the housework equally - I don't work now so I do most of it which I am happy with).

His mum came round once and DH was hanging the washing out. She was actually angry and shouted at him. She said the neighbours would think he was a poof!

Both his mum and dad were very racist and intolerant to gays, lesbians, foreigners etc. DH definitely does not hold those views

Original poster
CCDL · 25/08/2019 15:05

Yes, you’re right. I think I’ve probably been unfair on his mother.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 25/08/2019 15:06

Jesus wept! He's a cunt, not a 'partner'. There is zero way I'd procreate with him. He's an insecure twat who thinks he's God's gift to women and a negging arsehole. I had one like that. He was an ugly dickhead and I ditched pronto.

SignedUpJust4This · 25/08/2019 15:06

Don't be ashamed. Just be grateful that you found out what a twat he wS before having kids. Please don't have babies with this nasty piece of shit. You will truly see what he thinks of women once he's 'lumbered you with his seed'.

YesSheCan · 25/08/2019 15:06

He sounds awful OP. In your first post I noticed the 'if he wanted children' - in his mid40s and with you for 5 years and he doesn't know if he wants kids with you yet? Do you want kids? For this reason alone I'd be worried he's commitment averse and stringing you along until your biological clock has timed out at which point he has the luxury of his ongoing fertility. And that's not even getting started on the awful things he's said to you - you can't rely on him to stick around if you get sick? He'd expect you to 'give him sex' even if you didn't feel like it? He'd feel entitled to anal if you had postnatal issues with your vagina? Get yourself a one-way ticket on the Hell No train all the way to Nopesville and bin him off.

Plus the in-laws sound nightmare too.

SandyY2K · 25/08/2019 15:08

If he wanted kids and your age could have been an issue, then I understand him on that point alone.

DB is on his second marriage. If he wanted kids, he wouldn't have married his second wife ad she was late thirties.

He already had DC from his first marriage...as or happened, Yeats of IVF and thousands of pounds later...she was unable to conceive.

Not quite an issue for him, as he already has DC.

As for your DPs comments on your looks...he sounds shallow.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/08/2019 15:11

You are so much nicer than him op. Please don’t have a baby with this man.

Watchingthyme · 25/08/2019 15:12

I almost can’t quite believe what I’m reading

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