DP said he wouldn’t have been interested in me if I was his age.

[CCDL]

I’m ten years younger than my DP. We were having conversation the other day she was talking about how he didn’t find women of his age attractive and that a lot of the women he went to school with looked ‘rough’ now.

This led to a bit of an argument, as I pointed out that he had changed a great deal in appearance from when he was at school.

I asked him what would happen if we were still together in ten years time and I was the age he is now - would he think I looked ‘rough’ and unattractive. He said he didn’t know. He then said he wouldn’t have been interested in getting together with me if we had been the same age, as if he wanted children he wouldn’t be able to have them with me.

I thought we had got together because we were compatible and really got on well. It makes me sad that he has these attitudes towards women and my worth is predicated on my ability to give him children.

Am I being totally ridiculous or is this a red flag?

Aside from anything else, imagine the messages he would be giving any potential children. Girls should just be pretty and do everything and boys can sit around and do nothing.

Run

He sounds like my ex. Thank goodness you have woken up to who he is before having children with him!

Even though he’s no Adonis, he will probably try to replace you with a younger model in a few years when you commit the crime of getting older..
He’s a twat

He sounds quite frightful TBH!.Maybe someone should have a word with him about what century we are in( 21st not 19th!),Unless he was joking, I find his remarks about "Other Holes" quite alarming !.You say you get on together very well ,but he sounds like an over entitled MCP straight out of "Life On Mars!)"to me !

you have other holes don’t you?

Well you certainly have another hole. One great big fucking revolting arsehole - him.

"The more I write the more ashamed of myself I am becoming."
Don't you dare! You have nothing to be ashamed of! Frankly, you should be proud you've spotted it early enough to get out. You said he "he has the ability to talk his way out of things and make me feel like I am overreacting." And still, you've come to the point where you can see straight. Be proud! (And LTB.)

Oh OP
Don’t waste anymore of your life with someone who things of you in terms of his own needs and status

Please please know that there are decent men who don’t give these sorts of misogynistic thoughts any head space

Please value yourself before you get in any deeper.

I know. I hear you all - I am grateful.

The warning signs were there. He behaved badly with a younger female colleague a few years ago. I have also tried to change myself to make myself ‘better’ and more ‘attractive’ to him.

He has never told me he loves me. He has criticised my appearance in the past, he never pays me any compliments but is quick to complain.

Actually WTAF am I doing? I’m a complete mug. Stupid thing is whenever he has shown me a bit of affection I’ve been so pleased.

Eugh. Glad he's yours and not unleashed into society.
Do you not think you are worth better? Not sure I know anyone who would be happy with him.

He sounds awful re the appearance comment.

The children comment though is no different to what many think but may not actually say outloud. Plenty of women chose their partner as they want children as they are getting close to the end of their biological clock or because he’s a good earner etc.

Before you do leave OP, please take great satisfaction in telling him he's old and looking aged, and you'd prefer a younger more modern man.

Why are you grateful for his attention OP? I'd it because he's such a catch? Or because you fear you can't get it from anywhere else? Genuinely asking so that you don't make the same mistake again.

He's never told you he loves you? Really? Not in the whole 5 years you've been together? 😯. Do you tell him that you love him? How does he respond? I'm so angry on your behalf!!!

Oh Op, don't waste any more of your precious time with him. You deserve so much better.

I don’t know why I was grateful for his attention. I really don’t. It’s ridiculous really that I’ve let my self esteem sink so low that I’m grateful for some small crumbs of attention like this is all I deserve.

I’m off to have a soak in the bath, watch a film and cry my eyes out. Thanks everyone.

At least I don’t have to face him right now as he is away with his brother.

Sounds like a TOTAL TWAT.
Get rid you deserve better for sure.
Oh and put a mirror in front of him
Welcome to bold fat twat man.

I think I just vommed a bit in my mouth at the "hole" comment. Oh Op, you're not a mug - you;re just a decent human being who wanted to see the best in someone. He's disgusting.

I told him I loved him only once and his reaction was to look at me like I had literally slapped him.

He says that saying ‘I love you’ means he wants to get married.

His comment about sex being given by his wife says it all. As in, 'if my wife didn't give me sex I would leave.'

What he actually meant was, 'if sex is with held from me I will leave.' That alone tells you where his head is at. He sees sex as a bargaining chip to be given as a reward or with held as a punishment.

He does not see sex as a mutually shared positive experience. Does he ever say, 'make love' or is it always, 'sex' ? As in what can I get ? Or has she locked the sweetie cupboard again ?

How does he react when you turn him down for sex because you don't want to just at that minute when he asks ?

Let me guess. Tutting ? Sulking ? Glaring ? Insults ? Accusations ?

I think whilst he’s away, it’s a good opportunity to get things in place. Depending on your living situation, start looking for somewhere to move etc.

As an aside, I don’t think what he calls it is an issue. “Sex” is fine. Neither me or my DP would ever say “make love” as we’d find it cringe. We could both be sitting on the sofa and one of us say “wanna bone?” But it doesn’t mean we don’t love and respect each other. Specific language matters a lot less than general outlook.

Your updates are getting worse and worse though. I think you know what you need to do. Good luck

I wish you were a troll OP, but I think you're for real.

Please, please, please get away from him.

Let me guess.....he really likes the attention of younger women?

What happens if you " misbehave?" ( as in if you assert your needs) - does he make things uncomfortable? As in, he may not hit you, but I bet you are punished in some way. My theory is the smarter they are, the more manipulative they can be.

Do you find yourself changing your behaviour to keep in his good books? As in, you probably don't know what " normal" is?

How is he with others? Is he quite charming and well liked?

Any of these ringing a bell?

What a catch he is - not!