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Original poster

DP said he wouldn’t have been interested in me if I was his age.

287 replies

CCDL · 25/08/2019 13:26

I’m ten years younger than my DP. We were having conversation the other day she was talking about how he didn’t find women of his age attractive and that a lot of the women he went to school with looked ‘rough’ now.

This led to a bit of an argument, as I pointed out that he had changed a great deal in appearance from when he was at school.

I asked him what would happen if we were still together in ten years time and I was the age he is now - would he think I looked ‘rough’ and unattractive. He said he didn’t know. He then said he wouldn’t have been interested in getting together with me if we had been the same age, as if he wanted children he wouldn’t be able to have them with me.

I thought we had got together because we were compatible and really got on well. It makes me sad that he has these attitudes towards women and my worth is predicated on my ability to give him children.

Am I being totally ridiculous or is this a red flag?

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 25/08/2019 14:27

OP "He does the minimum of housework and finds fault with most things that I do in the house."

Run away, very fast. This is very bad. I'm sorry you've ended up in this situation. No more talking to him, btw, he will just talk shit at you. Regardless of how his parents brought him up etc, this man is vile and you can have a better life without him in it.

Acornriver · 25/08/2019 14:27

This reply has been deleted

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GidgetGirl · 25/08/2019 14:28

He just sounds like an arsehole. My partner is considerably older than me (more like 25 years), but he’d never say or think anything like that. He’s had many relationships with women his age and older in the past.

RosaWaiting · 25/08/2019 14:30

btw I hope you never have had a major illness or injury but I can't help wondering what happens if you do.

I live alone and had both of the above in my 30s. In my parents' circle, there was a lot of flapping about me living alone and shouldn't I stay with my parents (no, because they have stairs and I was better in a small flat).

So my friends and family came over a lot to help me here.

Since joining MN, I've almost cried reading threads with married women having illness or injury and saying their partner basically behaved as if their domestic machine had broken and they got no "help" and often didn't have friends to help.....please don't become that person!

Walkamileinmyshoes · 25/08/2019 14:31

you have other holes don’t you?

Oh God.

Do you think this is the sort of thing he and his lovely mates say to each other .. and he forgot who he was talking to?

RosaWaiting · 25/08/2019 14:31

Acorn OMD that guy calling it "self preservation"!!

Inawholeofdoom82 · 25/08/2019 14:32

That's a whole parade of red flags.

Walkamileinmyshoes · 25/08/2019 14:32

Say to each other about women, I mean.

vampirethriller · 25/08/2019 14:32

He thinks he's going to wait until you've had his children and he doesn't fancy you any more, or you can't have sex for whatever reason, and then he'll find someone the age you are now to shag while you run the house and raise the children.

Walkamileinmyshoes · 25/08/2019 14:36

However, he has the ability to talk his way out of things and make me feel like I am overreacting.

It’s called gaslighting, OP.

Let me guess, does he say these things in a confident, RP voice?
My ex used to do this - because of his delivery and confidence it took me a while to realise that the content was utter nonsense.

zen1 · 25/08/2019 14:36

Leave OP. Find someone who will treat you with respect. I can’t believe you’ve put up with his attitude for 5 years. He sounds disgusting.

RantyAnty · 25/08/2019 14:39

The more you say, the more vile he sounds.

What if he couldn't have any sex any more or became disabled? Would he think it would be ok for you to ditch him?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/08/2019 14:39

Hmm, there’s obviously a reason why he’s got to his mid forties without managing a successful relationship that led to children.

In my observation, so many of the older men who get a younger wife are deeply inadequate. Not all of course, but there are a lot of them in our village.

LightDrizzle · 25/08/2019 14:42

The thing is (and this isn’t your fault) you’ve carried the torch for his mum in feeding his sense of entitlement, because despite being no oil painting himself, he did “bag a bird” 10 years his junior and have a baby with her didn’t he?
Yuck!
He probably thinks you are pretty lucky too.

And the irony of it all is that he only stood a chance with you because you are so very different, in that looks are not the most important thing for you, you see beyond them.

God you have my sympathy. It’s a shocker isn’t it? I still feel embarrassed about my first marriage.

minibroncs · 25/08/2019 14:43

However, he has the ability to talk his way out of things and make me feel like I am overreacting.

He does the minimum of housework and finds fault with most things that I do in the house.

He also said to me that he would leave his wife if she didn’t give him enough sex.

It makes me sad that he has these attitudes towards women and my worth is predicated on my ability to give him children.

If you were nifty with a sewing machine you could run yourself up quite the dazzling outfit from all these red flags.

Ever been on the Freedom Programme?

Ravenblack · 25/08/2019 14:44

@CCDL Wow what a nob. Run as fast as you can from this awful man!

RUN!

veryboredtoday · 25/08/2019 14:44

He does sound vile and I would be incredibly worried about somebody who has his attitude. He won't get better with age and if children come along, the chances are he will get a lot worse.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 25/08/2019 14:45

Urgh, he really views you/women as a useful appliances that exists for his deluded lordship that he can bin the moment you pass your sell by date. LTB, seriously. He's told you who he is, a nasty misogynist who doesn't even see you as a person.

Northernsoullover · 25/08/2019 14:45

A huge green flag for my partner was that on OLD where we met his preferred age range was ten years lower and ten years above. We are very middle aged so the 10 years younger was someone in their 40's .

Mix56 · 25/08/2019 14:47

Boot to touch

madcatladyforever · 25/08/2019 14:48

Hell dump you for a younger model in a few years time.

Loopytiles · 25/08/2019 14:48

Urgh.

Hope you don’t already have DC with him! If you’re mid thirties don’t waste any more of your time with him and seek someone better.

TreeSunset · 25/08/2019 14:49

After your last update, just run.
I got ill and unable to have sex. It was actually one of the most loving and close times in our relationship and we felt so close and in love. Not that I was broken and he had to leave me.

Loopytiles · 25/08/2019 14:49

And don’t blame his mother for his misogyny!

ReasonedCamper · 25/08/2019 14:49

“He does the minimum of housework and finds fault with most things that I do in the house. “

He needs to go.

Why would you waste 10 years waiting to see if he considers you to be past your shelf life when you reach his age?

I would tell him he is not good enough for you on many counts.

You haven’t got kids yet have you?

Don’t stay with him. He had told you his priorities. And if he stays for the kids he will cheat. Or in his terms, find another hole. If you are still together when you hit 45 he will cheat. He will look for a 35 yo or younger.

Lucky you found out now. You could have wasted 10 years.